Down my little street…much to ponder

This is a different type of post today for with new beginnings there is much to consider in my life with choices before me that have never existed until now. I happen to live at the end of a cul de sac so hence the title and it is where I spend most of my time with occasional excursions as my mood hits and errands necesitate.

I believe in manifestation according to desire. I desire balance between body, mind and spirit…

My Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder is well managed right now but I’m holding out for more than I have now. I am looking and researching some new supplements to help with the negative symptoms I still suffer from- which are mainly lack of energy/motivation and a less than optimistic outlook about my life and that of others from my loved ones to my readers on here to the stranger on the street.

I want to be the best version of me possible and I now set out to the Universe to God to the Divine all my wishes to have not just a mundane existence, but one of much progress of which I know I am already doing…

It is possible and it is not talked about enough. We just settle for the side effects of medicine for our disorder and I refuse to accept it any longer! Will be sharing my new supplement regimen after a month. I have been able to find the right medication cocktail to help me be in remission from Schizophrenia and now I look to Mother Earth for wise answers to overcome all that is still lacking in my center. If anyone else has any tips please do share!

Secondly, welcome to any new readers and followers:) I have opened up some new outlets to gain a wider readership and appreciate every like, comment and follow. I try not to let interactions to guide my blogging because if I did I would have given up by now.

Blogging helps me to get my thoughts out to the Universe in a sometimes radical, sometimes mundane and sometimes a resonating way. I often read through my old blog posts which date back to 2013 and have hopes to add more categories with organization to help others find some of my posts that I feel are helpful to me and all of you. So watch for changes as I find the time to do so…

And third, currently among my many projects that keep me happy, busy and entertained, I hope to manifest guidance from above. For wherever we put our energy there it will grow and while I don’t watch tv at all or am on any social media I spend much of my day listening to music, which I love but want to also balance that with my activities. My current obsession is Taylor Swift! Ha ha, and I’m 52 years young. Her music is great for studying, reading and writing. A very talented artist to say the least!

I like to read blogs and quotes, listen to podcasts and sometimes just sit while I eat. But often I get so engrossed that I wonder where does the time go? I also like to stay up late and read and interesting suggestion on a recent blog to get proper rest by staying in bed for 8 hours even if not asleep. I have been doing this the last few days and I do take an occasional nap or at least lie down and watch the trees blow in the wind from my master bedroom. It is good to sometimes do nothing but to rest our bodies and while the results aren’t in yet will be taking note of the days I do so and check energy levels.

So those are my three areas I am focusing on for improvement. Supplements, A Welcome and where to spend my energy. It is now midday and I’m not sure what I will be doing with the rest of my day. Many of my loved ones are sick right now, so probably focus on taking care of them along with cleaning and if the wind dies down gardening, which has been lacking this year. My houseplants are all doing great though, which is my way to spend some time in nature indoors.

I will also be working on my Nature Thought Journal which I hope to publish once it is done. I am looking for a few of my readers to review it so if you have the time, send me your email and I will share it with you hoping for feedback. I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com . I have myself not found a journal that is satisfactory for my purposes so am constructing one that I’m really proud of so far. Feel free to comment what you like about a good journal. Have a spectacular day and thanks for reading if you made it to the end.

Peace

Victoria

Blood moon Solar Eclipse meaning to me…

First off before the deep stuff~ Pepperoni Pizza ha ha, my son is even picking it up.

And then to observe nature in the dusk hours in its finest display in the sky

Cloudiness may interfere with its observance

But that’s ok because just as I know that ___ is there always as a fish has water all around it yet fails to know of water, the eclipse means new beginnings to me, not a new start, no rather an opening to greater things…of the body(somatic), mind(psyche) and spirit(logos)…

Body- stretching and flexing my muscles as I have been but now with increased weights

Not walking much, but perhaps swimming, this is due to an injury which I feel is no coincidence

Mind- stretching my mind to new levels

of most importance is writing the biography/memoir of a dear family member’s late husband

next it is dare I say it, learning SEO, Search Engine Optimization, to expand my readership

as I embark upon new ideas stirring within to blog and write about in depth as if my life depended on it

And philosophy- I have finally found a podcast called Philosiphize This you can find here. I became a patreon and will be emailing the podcaster, stephen west, to introduce myself and share some of my writing pertaining to his podcast and my own conclusions of which I don’t always agree with, but first going to listen to more podcast for perhaps the answer is not yet revealed?? Fun though to spar, not trying to win but to actually be able to communicate with a philosopher I don’t find boring at all!

Spirit- embracing what resonates with me

and leaving all the rest aside

choosing my own moral principles which align with that of what I have found beneficial from many religions

but releasing the baggage that has been a part of my spirit, which I will write tonight in my journal and burn tonight, and setting my intention for this new start…

And embracing my twin flame in spirit

AND LOTS OF YOGA!!!

PRAYER TO GOD ALMIGHTY!!!

AND MUCH THINKING ABOUT IMPORTANT THINGS…

Feeling within me…

I’ve been at a loss this week in many ways. Too many to write here. There’s been a lot of good too but today is hard.

My daughter is sick, I’m her caregiver when she gets sick 🤒 even though she is 28. and others in my life are not doing great right now so like usual I’m allowing other’s stress to affect me which I’m fighting with all that I am.

I just want to escape from it all. But am choosing instead to blog about it.

And then clean up the kitchen because I made an awesome dinner tonight which nobody except me ate.

I’m the one in recovery from schizophrenia but all those around me are falling apart. I’m not sure how to pick myself back up. I need a new day and am going to use my coping skills to manage my schizophrenia.

Cleaning and healthy smoothie are old favorites which worked tonight 😊

My schizophrenia has been under control thanks to God and my hard work that I put into every day.

So looking on the bright side of things as my dad taught me today was a very productive day despite all the lack of control I have over the people in my life…

I walked 3 miles, cleaned my house, took care of my daughter and pups 🐶. And took care of me! I also didn’t buy anything when I went to my favorite store to pick up an order. Progress!

I was thinking of trying to work again but know that the reason why I am doing so well right now is because I don’t work outside the home. But it’s hard to accept some days when I have so much to offer. That’s why I’m not going to pursue my doctorate. What is the point if I can’t work.

I will continue to write and blog because that helps me greatly. I forgot to mention that I also couldn’t use my laptop today the way I’m used to. It’s being funky and won’t go online. Which meant I couldn’t work on my Nature Thought Journal I started in Maui a few weeks ago. It’s coming along nicely so another frustration in my day.

I won’t give up is my mantra in all that I do.

I won’t give up on finding meaning in my life despite my diagnosis. It’s hard to believe that I earned my Masters degree in psychology post diagnosis! But I find meaning in helping others so feel free to drop me an email at Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I answer all emails and have met some great friends on here. Also feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my experience with schizophrenia and check out my May series 2020 and 2022 above this blog. Tomorrow will be working more on May series 2022 and the mind, body spirit connection in psychiatry and psychotherapy.

I Truly feel a more holistic approach is needed to treat this disorder for people to recover.

Pax

Victoria

Embarking on the path to doctorate in Philosophy…

Yesterday, the stars aligned for me. I finally found a University that has everything I want in my next step in life. CIIS came to my attention and found the perfect degree that interests and excites me. I didn’t know it even existed. That’s how life can be…

One minute you can think this is all I am going to get out of life, and the next new doors are opened with a glimpse of what I never thought possible~ to get my doctorate in Philosophy, Cosmology and Consciousness at CIIS.

My best friend recently got her doctorate there in Transpersonal Psychology. I wasn’t even looking for a school, nor even dreamed it possible. Then yesterday at our brunch to celebrate life, I shared with her how I almost got scammed with a worthless doctorate from a stuffy school. She proffered why I didn’t consider her University. She mentioned a doctorate in Anthropology and I was immediately interested. But after we parted ways after a lovely time together, which is not often because best friends don’t need to spend every minute together I have learned, I actually found my niche degree.

On further research, I learned a degree in Anthropology would be about politics, which is not my interest. I wish to write about things that matter to me and to the world in a way I can make an impact, a profound contribution to mankind. So I looked at the 25 degrees they offered and found my match. Allow me to break it down in a minute. After I found my degree which makes perfect sense to me I signed up for a introduction session on May 17th. They sent me a link to a video which speaks on my degree and I was so excited that I decided to sign up for entry Spring 2023! I am now emitting to the Universe the means to either get a full scholarship or the money to pay for it outright. I feel if it is meant to be it will all come together.

Breaking down my degree:

Doctorate in Philosophy, Cosmology and Consciousness~

Philosophy- the study of the fundamental nature of knowledge, reality, and existence.

Cosmology- field of study that brings together the natural sciences, particularly astronomy and physics, in a joint effort to understand the physical universe as a unified whole.

And last but not least-

Consciousness- the quality or state of being aware especially of something within oneself.

This all fits nicely with what my May series is about this year. And how man is unity despite multiplicity, one human being with 3 aspects, mind, body and spirit. I don’t have words to describe how I see my future in studying these 3 areas of my doctorate. It’s like too perfect to be true.

Even if I don’t get a job, for that is not my ultimate goal in getting this degree but my brain craves learning about all 3 parts of this degree. I will continue to blog and write but pardon me for my focus is now learning more about how I can apply this new knowledge in a way that gives meaning to my life and that of others. I am beyond ecstatic about the possibilities this all means. It will be a transformative experience that only God and me knows where it will go and I don’t know for sure, because I can’t grasp it yet but more will be revealed.

Now that my Schizoaffective disorder is in remission, I can get on with my life and although I may never work for money, I can achieve my dreams of writing about all things that matter and this degree is the catalyst into a future with meaning.

Thanks if you read this far in my blog. Only one person in my life will understand better what I am writing about, my youngest son, who is actually taking me to Mother’s Day lunch tomorrow. I know he will get it because he is my philosopher and it is my hopes that we will work together one day. But if nothing else he will be the one I can bounce ideas off of and who will understand much of what I have already been studying excitedly about.

Today was a perfect day though in many ways, went on a hike by the beach with my dear daughter and spent the afternoon and evening with my mom, my oldest son and daughter in law, my granddaughter, my sister, daughter with her soon to be fiance, and my husband. It was a wonderful evening full of fun, food and good memories.

Happy Mother’s day to all my readers, even if you aren’t a mom in the sense of what we know of the word, all women should be celebrated today for I know many women who don’t have kids but yet their spirit is immeasurable in how they speak to others in care and concern and that is being motherly.

I have been blessed with 4 children and one granddaughter and I celebrate with all women, for while I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, I am also fine when I am not with them especially getting lost in my studies and personal transformation. I will never give up being the best version of myself for me first, then my family and then the world. Hope I hold dear and hope I wish to spread to all, to one, to many. Blessed be…

pax

V

May Series 2022: Mind, Body and Spirit Connection

In psychiatry, the mind is the focus of treatment 99% of the time. This does us a huge disfavor in terms of our wholeness of self.

In my own experience of having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder since 2008, I have only had my psychiatrist ask me once about how I was managing in spiritual matters and the question was posed as a curiosity, rather than as a treatment of my spiritual condition. It was never followed up and it was not a deep inquiry.

The body isn’t talked about much either other than the fact that I have gained much weight on anti-psychotics. And this was addressed early on in my treatment and then just accepted by my psychiatrist not me.

I am sure I’m not the only one who is in treatment for a mental health disorder, whether it be depression, anxiety, bipolar, psychotic disorder, or any other and have read the instructions for the many meds we take to manage our mind symptoms and have observed the following disclaimer- the doctor deems it necessary to take this medicine because the condition being treated is more serious and outweighs any side effects (then a long list of possible side effects) or something along those lines.

So we take our meds and observe the mind’s reaction and deal with the side effects, often taking another med to counter any negative reaction. I hate this! While my disorder is well-managed now better than ever, I have learned my own ways to deal with the unwanted side effects and I am still experimenting and open to anybody else’s successes at natural ways to counter them.

I will speak more about this in another part of this May 2022 series for I wish to further explore the neglect of the body, mind, spirit connection. For if one part of the equation is out of whack, how can we truly say we are doing well? It just doesn’t add up. We must be unified in all three aspects I believe to live a more functional life. Balance is what I seek after…

I learned this recently from Well Being Blogger in one of our few life coaching sessions. Her homework was simple and instructive and for me had the biggest impact upon my well-being. She asked me to write and do 5 things for my mind, 5 things for my body and 5 things for my spirit (which does not have to have any religious connotation). She also gave a few examples to help me but I was out of the gate running as I ran through my list quickly categorizing old and new ideas of how to manage these three aspects of myself.

It has been the elixir for my treatment plan and each week as I diligently started to adopt this 5 things practice, I became more connected to who I was and who I am becoming. I am quite pleased with the results thus far and would like to share a few examples of my routine. Some overlap as you shall see but I think you will get it and hopefully develop your own way and feel free to use any of mine. I also suggest taking a look at my May 2020 series published here for ideas and ways to incorporate them in your lives.

My 5 things

Mind- self study through reading and writing, meditation (walking I prefer, which can also count as spiritual as I observe nature), learning new words, practicing my Spanish and studying philosophy.

Body- exercise (for me this involves walking, yoga and just added strength training and swimming), proper nutrition (I’m trying whole foods eating 90% of the time), stretching, getting dressed nice (even though I don’t have a job) and gardening.

Spirit- yoga, ritual prayers, tending to the houseplants, listening to uplifting music of sorts and spending time appreciating nature.

I don’t do them all every day but do some of them every day like eating healthy, walking, reading and writing, and spending time in nature. The rest are on a weekly basis.

What are some of your 5 things you do for your mind, body and spirit?

Pax

Victoria

Happy Mental Health month! Upcoming

Great to be back home after a nice vacation and a relaxing weekend!

My usual series for May is in the works!

I will be exploring the body, mind and spirit connection focusing on the work of Viktor Frankl’s insight on how man is unity yet multiplicity. And how taking it beyond that can affect the world benefiting us and others.

My self study on philosophical ideas is causing me to turn this blog into a little different posts.

Hope will also be an ongoing theme for my writing and all it encompasses. Without Hope we are dead inside. Hope keeps us going and when it is lacking reading and writing and mindful activities provide it.

May you all have much hope today and every day, to live your best lives and embrace your humanity!

Forget any diagnosis for now but keep taking your meds as I do or keep trying to find the best cocktail for you! We are all different yet the same in many ways.

Peace love hope and joy be with you all!

Victoria

Feeling every emotion today…

Back from vacation day one. Stayed sober by the grace of God, not even a desire as my companions drank beer and mai Thais all day and night. Could have got a contact high from the locals at the park but ran the other way!

I like being sober but today I think it all caught up with me.

I felt every emotion I used to drink and get high over. Anger at the atm, cursing at it because it wasn’t accepting deposits, really? I’m still pissed.

Sadness over my dad’s passing and how he was the only person alive who truly supported me!!! I miss him so much and can’t wait to die and be with him again.

Confusion much with the time lag. Too many examples to share. but at one point some dude honked at me because my gas cover was open all the way lol after leaving a crowded gas station that after much waiting had parked on wrong side to put gasoline in. Left without closing cap.

Anger again at my husband but I got some shopping money out of it so there’s that!

And lastly love and joy because of my children, mainly my daughter. They are who I missed most on my vacation And of course my granddaughter ❤️

🖤🖤🖤

Grateful today to be in a place where I can be emotional 😭 😌🥰 and sober and not psychotic.

I studied quite a bit on vacation as well and excited to once again be in learning mode with Viktor Frankl’s books. So many new words and all very resonating with my mind, body and spirit!

Rest In Peace my new favorite author 🙏🙏🙏

Paz

Victoria

Schizophrenia and Logotherapy

Upcoming blog post on looking at Logotherapy in terms of Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder.

Studying Viktor Frankl’s books on vacation, mainly Man’s Search for Meaning and The Will to Meaning. Light topics on Frankl’s theory and practice of Logotherapy he wrote from his experience in Auschwitz’s concentration camps.

He wrote Man’s Search for Meaning in ten days and its ways of giving meaning to the other prisoners who had lost hope is just incredible.

I would like to briefly interpret it in terms of Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder or any heavy mental health diagnosis.

There are 3 stages to explore. The first stage is shock, disgust and delusions of reprieve. The second stage is acceptance, apathy and routine and the third, which is where I am, is freedom, release and liberation.

I have been examining my stages and the hardest one was the shock I realized I was first diagnosed in 2008. It was a turbulent time of recognizing that my mental health was and continued to be precarious up until recently.

The second stage of routine, apathy and acceptance was the longest by far. I felt like a robot and that this was how it was going to be forever on heavy antipsychotic meds, many hospital stays and an apathetic existence.

Now that I’m in the third phase of release, freedom and liberation, I can use my experience to write about it. I can easily revert back to old patterns though with stress, lack of sleep and/or exercise and poor nutrition.

More to come in May as we prepare to celebrate mental health awareness month.

“If man has a why to live for he can bear almost any why” Nietzsche

Aloha

Victoria

Rainbows 🌈 abounding today…

After a difficult day yesterday here in Maui today was a breath of fresh air and rainbows 🌈. I was proactive with my choice of music 🎶 and what I spent my energy on.

It worked!

I relaxed in the morning with my husband and then we went snorkeling 🤿! It was the best day yet on vacation.

I was out in the ocean 🌊 and there was a turtle 🐢 swimming nearby but as hard as I tried and prayed I couldn’t find it. I finally decided that if I was supposed to find it I would and stopped obsessing over it. I stumbled upon a underwater reef with a plethora of fish, some exotic and some schools of fish 🐠 . It was glorious!

I learned a valuable lesson in this to continue to trust the process. I didn’t get to swim with the turtle 🐢 but found something else spectacular.

I also walked 4 miles today! I’m feeling great and hope to go snorkeling 🤿 again tomorrow and the next day and then home.

I was homesick yesterday, tired and cranky. Today I don’t want it to end. Finally ok without my kids here and enjoyed the sunset tonight along with rainbows 🌈 and Hawaiian music.

It’s funny because when I feel disconnected from God and myself I revert to old patterns that do not serve me well. Music is a huge part of my day and night.

It has been hard to be around my sister and husband with their constant need for alcohol but at least today got to enjoy a beach view while they drank. Has anyone else ever gotten a contact buzz just being around people who are drinking? It happens to me all the time! I have fun mostly.

Some days will be hard but then a new day comes and I get grateful again. Grateful for God, my marriage my sobriety and everything God wants me to experience. I’m learning you can’t have fun all the time but I’ll take it as often as I can.

Peace

V

Deep pain…

Yes, I’m on vacation in Maui but missing my home and all my kids and granddaughter.

I’m here with my husband and sister but their drinking matches are getting boring.

Today a wreckless stranger attacked 2 gay men right on front street in my favorite town in Maui. This upset me very much. They were defenseless in his beating them up. It hit me right now how those two men are feeling tonight. Nobody stepped in to help is the worst part. I didn’t watch but saw everyone run over to witness this unprovoked random act of violence.

The world isn’t safe and there is nothing I can do about it.

Last night I was in heaven working on a new writing project after a wonderful day and today I find myself at a loss for many reasons.

My pain is heavy tonight. One of my readers just wrote about pain and how we must know our own pain before we can be empathetic to others.

I agree and still have my deepest darkest secret which I only share with my therapist. I actually wrote a long essay about it and will discuss it in our next session.

This pain leaves me at times but tonight every part of my body and mind feels it.

Perhaps because of the attack, feelings of low self worth, and some new physical problems which I seriously would rather have than mental health problems. I’m currently in remission of my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder on meds.

It is wonderful but this secret doesn’t help. I haven’t killed anyone or anything like that but not feeling very spiritual today.

I pray now for those who were attacked and the attacker and those who could have helped but didn’t…

And I pray for me too, for what I’m not sure but for release of whatever is bringing me pain.

Peace and love

Victoria

Maui vibes

This is me taking in the aloha spirit of Maui, my heaven on earth. Never have I felt such peace and tranquillity to my very core as on this island.

It is a different vacation here this time…

I’m content and blessed to be surrounded by my sister and husband, enjoying nature and all that my God wishes me to experience.

Last time I was here in September it was a different story which I will not tell tonight.

I am at the best place mentally, spiritually and accepting my physicality limitations but embracing every part of me.

It is times like this that I imagine myself doing great things here and when I get back home. But also a lot of rest and recreation.

I’m planning to compose a journal with daily writing prompts among other writing adventures. I have been remiss to find one that is inspirational for my personal use so will try my hand at writing my own.

I’m also inspired to finally create a secret Japanese garden where I usually plant a veggie garden. I weeded before leaving for Maui so all I need is plants, stones and some type of bridge or small pagoda.

Off to take a bath and relax some more.

Aloha and mahalo for joining me in spirit to be open to new possibilities in life.

Victoria

Marriage and schizophrenia

I’ve been married for 30 years and it has definitely been the hardest and best thing to ever happen to me/us. As I listen on loop to Ed Sheeran/Taylor Swift song, The Joker and the Queen, I am reminded how much we have been through. From humble beginnings, I was a waitress working night shift, he was my boss, the night manager. If I had known when I met him the first time, I would have been different somehow. But the clenching time came a year later when he crashed his motorcycle, which he got rid of after, I nursed him back to health and fell in love with his caring yet gruff nature and soul…

The hard times have made the good times even more rich. Right now it is a rich time of trips, time at home and exploration of much.

He doesn’t understand my disorder but accepts me for all of it and sometimes it can get pretty rough. Dealing with me psychotic, meeting with a team of doctors at UCLA in 2008, not knowing then how hard the next 16 years would be. Meeting with therapists, learning through experience that we are meant to be together with our quirks, mine more than him haha.

Now that I am stable in mind, body, spirit and our finances, it is even better. Last night and this morning were perfect examples of our unbreakable union.

We don’t sleep in the same bed for various reasons, his snoring, my late night habits etc.. it works for us. But most nights we spend time together in our marriage bed with me massaging him as he falls asleep. We talk about our day and the next, make jokes, make fun of ourselves and discuss our children and granddaughter. It is a good practice we have done for years. He has tried to massage me but he’s too strong and i’m too sensitve so I don’t mind giving him this gift most nights. He says it helps him sleep better:)

So last night we just held each other for an hour with our heads together on the same pillow. I enjoyed this very much. He fell asleep with me in his arms and I started to doze off too but hadn’t taken my night meds so ended up getting up at midnight as he wakes up at the disturbance and asks “where are you going? I love this, he didn’t want me to go away even after an hour of us just being together in embrace. I might have slept there but must have my meds to help me sleep. But the fact that I was tempted to stay was a good feeling.

His energy can be very strong and critical and me being an empath as well makes it difficult and strange at times, wonderful and pure bliss at others. He is also a big softie sometimes and acts like a big baby with many needs which I sometimes meet happily most of the time.

Then at 6:30 in the morning he’s running around the house waking everyone up because he thought there was an earthquake. I remembered that there was a shuttle taking off from Vandenberg airforce base taking off this weekend in the am so he checked on the two adult children who live with us still and went back to bed. In less than 5 minutes he was back to our side of our small home because there was another loud noise. By this time I was awake and got up with only 5 1/2 hours sleep:( He’s back in his bed snoring away undisturbed by anything.

Once I wake up I cannot go back to sleep so I’m like trying to figure out what to do. I journaled about him and now chose to blog about marriage and schizophrenia.

We don’t discuss my disorder much. But he knows when I need my space and when I need to be with him or others. But when I am at my worst, he wishes it all away sometimes with unkind words like- just pick yourself up by your bootstraps, ignore it, you’re fine, don’t think as much. These words are not helpful at all and make me try very hard to be stable at all times, at least as much as possible.

I can write about it now that I am doing well but in the midst of the chaos of my mind, things have never looked bleaker…

That is all I wish to share about marriage and schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder except for the wonderful newest development in our marriage~ he has accepted that I cannot work and I am at peace in knowing this.

Peace

Victoria

What if I don’t want to be cured of my Schizophrenia?

Today is a special day for me; it is the 16 year anniversary of receiving the gift of Schizophrenia.

The year was 2006. I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and He answered me in giving me the gift of Schizophrenia during Easter Vigil Mass in Our Lady of Guadalupe Church in Guadalupe Ca. A Gift of confusion of the mind, messages, voices and much distress. I remember it all vividly. And it has brought me to a life of not being able to work, but being able to help many, through my blog, through my family, friends and strangers.

In some cultures people are revered if they have Schizophrenia. Well I don’t want to be revered but I have certain abilities that are at times unexpressed fully because of my Schizophrenia.

Today I awoke early and without much direction. I decided to read more of Yes to Life by Viktor Frankl. This was after I wrote in my journal asking God what He wished of me. I found much meaning in Frankl’s treatise on illness and suffering.

I could be in remission with the ketogenic diet if I chose. But I know that in my heart I am meant to have this disorder and must embrace it fully on meds. The suffering has eased much with my cocktail of meds just right but I still have lingering delusions which have lessened even more being on a ketogenic diet.

Some may call me peculiar that I would choose a life of Schizophrenia over a life without. II even do. But I know today with absolute certainty that I am supposed to embrace this gift and not reject it.

So this blog will continue with me having Schizophrenia and being on meds. For even though the meds stop the constant messages and voices, they do not eliminate when God wants to touch down and for that I am grateful.

But others who do not see it as a gift should seriously check out ketogenic eating to be put in remission from Schizophrenia.

I have meaning in my life today with my mad existence and I choose life over death again and again.

Off I go to eat some carbs. Off I go to make preparations for a wonderful Easter celebration tomorrow. And who knows I might even go to Holy Mass tonight just to see if there are any more gifts for me.

I believe in God, the father almighty who reigns over heaven and earth. But that is just me.

I will also be re-blogging my post on the gift and how I received it if I can find it. I am also in the process of revamping this blog to make it more user friendly. Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey. For those of you who have Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder and have been silent know that I pray for you much through the years of my blogging. Having this disorder is not always fun so feel free to write to me at my private email, as many of you have, who suffer with this disorder or any loved ones at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

God bless and keep you all!

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Ketogenic Diet to fight Schizophrenia?

I started a ketogenic diet April 11, 2022, with no more than 20-30 grams of carbs, to lose weight for my upcoming trip to Maui. Well the results are unclear yet but brain started feeling different yesterday. I am in light ketosis already and have found studies leading to a Youtube video (see below for link) on how people with Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder can go into remission and decrease or stop their medications on a ketogenic diet. I am dumbfounded at what this may mean to my life and this blog.

I have a free consultation with an expert in ketogenic diet and brain health Monday. Excited at the possibilities. Interesting that I have finally found my right cocktail of meds recently and now may be changing it but who knows?

Any comments are welcome as usual.

V

How the Ketogenic diet helps Schizophrenia

“Endurance itself is the greatest achievement”

by Viktor Frankl from his companion book to Man’s search for meaning, Yes to Life. A fascinating read for anyone who is contemplating suicide or their purpose in life.

Suffering at any level is painful unless one sees obstacles as opportunities.

I see my life more clearly today. My moods change like the moon but at the same time I am learning and have learned so much it is hard to put into words.

Endurance of the mind, to figure s*() out. I am good at doing this but yet this blog itself is a challenge for me to make accessible to all of you. There are over 500 blog posts, some ramblings, some informative and some deep looking into who I really am, which I am still figuring out.

I have figured out so many challenges with my disorder. I haven’t even shared half my story. But endurance is at the very heart of my existence navigating mad thoughts and ideas to make my life better.

I am proudly not on any social media. The other day at the store a cashier was sharing a bunch of random facts with me about rain water properties and I was enthralled by it all. When I mentioned I prefer to blog and read blogs than watch tv, she was like do people really still do that? She was young but I was in shock because it is much of my world.

I hope that others are intrigued, inspired and challenged as I continue to blog, enduring the pain, which is minimized now. And always looking for more meaning in our existence.

V

This is who I am today…

A human being

in recovery from many addictions

A daughter

A wife

A mother

A gramma:)

A friend

A helper

What do I believe in? God for sure, but beyond that don’t really know…

Who do I want to be? Someone who makes God proud…

Am I close? I will never know until I die but will keep trying

It no longer plagues me but still in a dark space at times

today I was melancholy and that is honestly my least favorite place to be

I want to live my life as if today is my last day not just be blah…

I’d rather be caught up in drama or sad to say psychotic or so depressed that I curl up in a ball and have no energy.

I do not have a lot of drama currently but the past few months has caused me much angst over ____

I even thought for a brief moment like getting high but I know I cannot go back that route because when I get high I want to do it all day and that is not good at any level for anyone.

So I had a bit of chocolate and took a bath and called a few people.

Sober another day!

Yes, I have Schizoaffective disorder but my meds are working wonderfully right now.

Didn’t mention I decided to go strict keto diet a few days ago and gave up sugar. I will adapt and the bit of chocolate got me through a rough patch.

Heading to Maui next week, so a bit of pre-vacation eagerness. I love my home but Maui has the best vibe to me in the world. On aloha time there is no hurry, pure beauty, warm ocean and time with my sister and husband. They drink a loooot. but it doesn’t bother me. I’m way more fun sober and they all agree!

I have been reading a lot lately and awaiting a response from a family member if she will take on my offer to write the biography of her recently passed husband. His life was amazing and I offered to write about it. So all my life is on hold currently and I have never been known as a patient person. Waiting for things has always been hard for me as is keeping secrets. I do have one I may write about though. but time will tell.

v

Venice Beach tonight..

Enjoying being out and about at Santa Monica pier and Venice Beach in California.

Last night was a night to fully grieve for my dad who passed away last September. Many tears, realizations and emptiness inside after some journaling.

Wednesday I read the eulogy I gave at my dads funeral in December to my therapist. It was received well. My therapist understands better now the kind man my father was to me. And that my dad is still a huge part of my life from heaven above.

Every time I see a plane which often happens when I need it, some ethereal moment in my day confirmed by a plane or any time I bite an ice cube 🧊! Orbs in pictures still or videos along with his gentle guidance.

I will ask him a question and wait and often I know exactly what he would want or have a new thought or word come into my head.

The grief is no longer unbearable but still miss him very much. I read my journal from last year and I read my own words that when my father died a part of me would die inside too. It is true even though I have him in a different way now.

Tears 😭

I am very happy tonight though to be on the right cocktail of meds so my disorder remains at bay. And my life coach has given me new homework on how to protect myself from negative energies. Already used one today at the beach where there were so many people.

When I get back home tomorrow will be continuing to work on my new article about the symbolic meaning of the lotus flower 🌸 and how its sacredness and inner wisdom is helping me to heal as a sometimes dark empath.

My past few months of angst are behind me and I find comfort in music from Iceland 🇮🇸. Piano and string instruments along with one woman’s deep enthralling voice of exactly where I am at.

Peaceful tonight and wishing you all peace as well as having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is only brought to my mind anymore when I am taking my meds.

I feel I am emerging as a new person with some pain but no longer delusional and emotionally stable which I see continuing as long as I stay on the safe path.

Back to my title, Venice, my husband and I drove the coast down highway 1 aka pch pacific coast highway and he drove so I got to fully appreciate the beauty and powerful waves of the Pacific Ocean. Was perfect!

We got lost but avoided an accident several times along the way. We sat in our car and listened to kroq and punk rock music 🎶 from times of old and just enjoyed the day. He people watched and I stared at the Ferris wheel 🎡 in picture wishing I could go on it or at least the merry go round. I didn’t because there were so many people but pretended which I am good at.

Tomorrow attending a celebration of life for my husband’s cousin who dropped dead at age 41 a few weeks ago. So sad 😞 as he left behind two young daughters and a wife who is strong but must be hard. Will be a day with his family. But today was good to spend all day with my husband ❤️

V

So what is the purpose of life, I ask again?

In my new found freedom from addiction to much, I have asked this question again and again and have not gotten any satisfactory answer until tonight.

For in seeking to understand the meaning of life, we miss out on it really.

My yoga book* tonight posed this very question as I sat down for a quiet meal to meditate and enjoy the serenity I have created in my home tonight- candle burning, fantastical music, much thought about nothing in particular but at ease, mostly.

This is what I read, “to expand, to create, to live abundantly and beyond, to explore and most of all to inspire.” I am doing this already in unspoken intention albeit not perfectly yet and am grateful for all that I am, all that I have, my thanksgiving is perpetual~ Thoreau

No words to add to this blog tonight.

V

*YOGA: Self Love Through Yoga (BREATHE) (Yoga For Beginners, Yoga Poses, Benefits of Yoga, Yoga Illustrated) by Lei Camille, kindle edition, Amazon

I’m holding out for more than I have now…

I’m dreaming big tonight!

My past is behind me, no more looking back.

I’m in the now and the now is pretty damn good. The future will come and I will deal with it one success, one failure at a time.

Writing ✍️ is my passion as is taking care of my mind, body and spirit. Also learning how to control if possible my empathic abilities or deep intuition at times as I embrace my sober existence.

Livingtd- living the dream I could never have thought up if I tried. I am figuring out who I want to be at many levels; as myself first, daughter, wife, mother and gramma ❤️

Today wasn’t perfect but my mindset is as I say yes to life and thrive in most of what I do.

More coming soon as I prepare for a getaway with my love of my life.

Peace be with you all!

Embrace peace and harmony and never stop trying to figure things out!

Victoria

Musings of the day…

No gardening this week at any level! I hope that my overrun garden isn’t a sign of my spiritual condition.

Still doing nothing but study altruism today. I find all sources to be lacking so far of what I seek and wish to study. Altruism is the art of giving with no benefit. Sitting around talking about our accomplishments isn’t my idea of doing good. So I ask it again~ Is altruism possible in this day and age? For to give with no benefit is really hard to do. When I gave to a family in the Ukraine I was giddy with excitement. That isn’t altruism but I couldn’t help it and then I got a thank you from the family for they wished to express their thanks fully. But instead of helping me feel good about my good deed it made me feel worse.

But I will keep on keeping on, blogging and writing articles for Edge of Humanity and other magazines I hope to find where my articles can be read and perhaps help a soul or two or many.

I have much freedom today to do as I wish, to buy whatever I need, to exercise and eat healthy but I ask again the question, how can I enjoy my comfortable life when others are in great need and in despair over war, poor health and the unthinkable? I can’t really, I must do more.

My new life coach has helped me greatly to design a life vision board which includes addressing my addiction to drugs, alcohol and _ _ _ by giving much thought to my mind, body and spirit activities. I have created an online vision board using a free site called Canva. For detailed instructions go here. It is easy to use and although I did sign up for the free premier trial to get the design that I wanted of muted colors and the perfect layout, you don’t have to and it is likely I will cancel it before getting charged monthly but enjoy it in the meantime. I downloaded my copy and saved it as my screensaver. This is mine. Not sure why there’s a black line in center crossing my mom’s name out lol subconscious message perhaps.

Minimalist Sage and Brown Boxes Vision Board (Desktop Wallpaper) (18 × 9 in)Download

It is a great help in my holistic approach to recovery from the addiction of the day. Those of you who are addicts will understand that. I am an addict and freely admit I am powerless over many addictions. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. So I stay on the safe side and avoid them like the plague. I have to think like this for my sanity, for my recovery.

Although my thinking is hot or cold, black or white, I am finding with this new approach in my recovery that I am discovering a lot of grey areas and I like the color grey very much.

No more meetings right now for me and no desire to use or return to poor choices that leave me depleted but instead an exciting journey into myself, especially finding yoga daily to be beneficial!

I will leave you all tonight with my favorite quote of the year.

I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual.
— Henry David Thoreau

peace, V

The Art of doing nothing…

I’m supposed to be resting today after oral surgery this morning which went well.

But it is very hard for me to do ….nothing.

I am no longer lazy thanks to my wonderful team of support, my own gumption and finally finding my passion in life- writing ✍️ and much more really.

My life is rich and full. Not so much with financial ease but with a lovely husband, 4 kids, a granddaughter, friends, and my team of support especially my newest member a wonderful life coach who has helped me in so many ways by giving me homework that makes me think.

I love to think but tonight I must do nothing. I’m wondering if blogging and thinking counts as doing nothing. Probably do so good night all.

How can one do nothing when there is so much to do in life? I am never bored anymore because sobriety agrees with me.

I can truly say that I’m living the dream!

Pax

Marriage and solitude…

I have the perfect marriage I just realized!

I have a husband with many friends and Vw buddies, who works long hours and who is often absent by alcohol or tiredness.

Me on the other hand loves solitude and only has a couple of close friends and those 2 friends are busy with work and their families. So I have lots of time for reflection, writing and doing whatever I wish.

Oh I have the mundane chores naturally and I prefer it that way because I enjoy keeping up with the house and use that time to think too. About life, about death and everything in between.

It’s the perfect scenario. We don’t even sleep in the same bed but that’s ok too because he snores and I’m a night owl.

Feeling blessed indeed!

We do spend time together but it isn’t all the time. I like deep meaningful conversations and lately we’ve had a few. I feel closer to him than ever because he gives me space as he gets so much out of hanging out with the guys.

My disorder is at bay and I expect it will be now that things are in place for our future. After a chaotic few months things are looking up and even though I’m having a tooth extracted tomorrow I am at peace tonight and just a bit nervous they might put me under.

Found a new blog of philosophy I’m obsessed with and it’s giving me much to ponder about for my next article.

Peace be with you all

Victoria

Poverty at its lowest and finest…

I am not poor today but have been in my life many times.

Poor in mind, poor in spirit, poor in body and lastly but not least poor in finances.

Tonight I soar with the light being free from the most unusual situation I have alluded to on here. Telepathic situation of feeling another’s hold on my mind. A controlling well meaning being but burned that bridge completely and tonight I am at peace which has not been the case for months. It affected my mind and heart. Content tonight.

So being at my finest today until I learn to control my empathic abilities. Much to learn but have good guidance now and I don’t question my existence anymore. Prior to tonight I was walking with my hands bound into this person’s garden. Shame and all the emotions that go with that were my constant state of confusion and best friend. no more.

Poor in body. I guess I am that now but don’t wish to focus on that tonight hoping that the infection in my root of my tooth will be taken care of Tuesday with expensive extraction and implant after. Knee problems, hip bursitis, thyroid disorder (Hashimoto’s thyroiditis) and more. But somehow I walked 5 miles today and got much done despite lack of sleep which is both mental and physical connection.

I’ll keep going until I die! None of my issues are life threatening though at the moment so there’s good in that. I’ve always had physical health issues since childhood so I’m used to it. I try not to complain; Hope I’m not now.

Poor in spirit I am not. Rituals surround me and try to do good in all I do for me, my family and friends and the world. Since I was a child, I have always helped others except when I was using drugs and alcohol. Coming up on 9 months of recovery and have now a new focus for my days. I’m sometimes religious but not tonight . All religions interest me until they don’t make sense so tonight I claim no particular faith.

It is good for some and I stand in no judgment for those who choose it or who don’t. One of my dearest friends is secular and from them I glean much insight into whatever problem presents itself in my life.

I just try to live my life to the fullest every day I can and I believe that is all any of us can ever really do. When I see a need and it is in my power to help, I do.

Poor in finances is actually what I wish to focus on for many in this world are fighting to survive and support their families. I can only share my experience with this. My adult daughter calls it luck but I prefer to call it something else entirely. Some would say faith others fate and me well im not really sure why but I have been poor and happier than when I’ve had much and been disordered like now.

Being poor requires a certain discipline, a constant decision of what is most necessary for me to be ok. I don’t need much to be happy except love and I am blessed with that as well. My parents scrimped and saved and we often went without. But we were happy for Saturday night’s when we got to eat a frozen pizza sometimes.

Contentment is not found in things despite what the world teaches us.

But having a house and car is a certain security that many do not have. I’ve walked my share of miles in dirty sneakers with holes being without a home or car and still been happy. Wanting more at those times in my life always created discontentment so I made due and pretended I had more when I was cold and hungry. In the end I always got exactly what I needed and that hasn’t ever stopped happening yet.

For I believe our happiness does not rest in our material possessions although I do take comfort in my cozy bed but I have been just as content sleeping on a bench or the floor. Just can’t stand the cold.

Can anyone relate to my musings tonight?

What can you not live without?

For me it is love that is the glue to my existence and I just recently found that out.

So if you are loved by anyone feel grateful even if it is a fur friend. For love is truly all that matters in the end.

Peace

Victoria

Article on my experience with suicidal ideation;

As I finished this late tonight and submit it to online magazine Edge of Humanity, I’m at a quiet inn in California with my dog; I am blessed with much peace and serenity despite much drama of my mind in between the quiet moments seeking a solution to a certain situation which has caused me much angst recent months. Feel free to comment and use search feature beneath article for more of my blogs, ramblings and everything in between since starting this blog in 2013.

Peace be with you all:) V

The Ocean calls to me often~

Not always in a suicidal way like times in past, no it calls to me with its beauty and power and vastness…

As I attempt to transcend my experience, may yours become one of acceptance, too.

I have been suicidal much in my life; from my teenage years with a death wish to my time when I was first psychotic, and times in between, until recently.  Thinking I would be better off dead was a much easier way to survive in my mad and unusual existence on the planet earth.

What is it that causes so much angst and wishes to be done with this life?  Death seems the better option than to live in agony, caused by me, circumstances and even my loved ones.  But then I think, and this is the only thing that has truly prevented me, how much more grief I would cause the people in my life if I were to kill myself.  Yet, if others in my life knew the suffering I often feel and have felt since 8th grade (52 now), I think they would be glad for me to be at peace and no longer a part of this world. 

I don’t feel this way right now gladly for being suicidal is a sad state to be in; dying seems better at the time than living.  And the pain does not cease until some sort of intervention occurs to help me want to try to live again.  Hospitalizations, medicine and intense therapy along with deep introspection are all my elixirs leading to not only survival but also a very rich happiness to be alive. 

Many failures in this life lead me down the familiar road of wanting to die. 

But people, good people have come to my aid, again and again and so I continue to breathe life into these words to anyone considering it.  It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem I have been told; it is a coping skill, I learned of recent months.  It is not the answer for me but it has been the answer for so many that I choose to dwell on this idea, this right, this choice to die at my own hands.

Can’t I get a new life?  I often wonder, which is unrealistic, naturally, so I run anywhere else instead, hoping to get new perspective on my existence.  I have stopped running now for I feel safe, safe in my marriage of 30 years and safe in my state of life- being on disability because of my schizoaffective disorder, and unable to work outside the home, despite having a Master’s degree earned post-diagnosis.  But watching and helping others in my life succeed in the workplace is hard at times.

I choose instead to find purpose in my writing.  Not to give hope to others for hope is overrated when one is suicidal, but to learn acceptance with the cards that have been dealt and make the best of it.  For the gifts we possess might just be hidden from us, or unrealized, un-profited for some.

I went to the ocean today and this time was at peace and appreciated its beauty, power and vastness and I chose life over death, consciously.   

#humancondition #suicidal #beautypowervastnessofocean #suicide #suicidalideation #acceptance

Beautiful day and evening last night…

This is me today. Just a trickle of water at a water fall an hour away! Took the drive by myself so I could come and go as I wish from husband’s Vw car show! 303 Volkswagens from as far as Washington to here in California! With a tribute to last year’s winner of oldest driver of a Vw being 92 who passed away this last year ❤️. Families with dogs and kids abounded with glee at all the different types of Volkswagens present.

But me not impressed with cars hiked upwards to the falls. It got colder as I moved my legs and snapped this photo to remember the exhilarating feeling of success. I said hello to several fellow hikers and made friends with one dog. It was a good day with 3 miles in total.

I’m tired tonight.

Yesterday was recovery from the previous days of angst . I’m telling my story backwards though so bear with me as I start at the beginning.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He was out with his best friend and I had the house to myself all night. It was glorious!

I attended two recovery meetings and was of service on accident lol and shared at both meetings. It was good and I’m grateful once again for my sobriety!

After I journaled, took a lovely bath and did short yoga 🧘‍♀️ stretching. Then I stayed up late researching the internet for a situation that baffles me. It helped especially since it had to do with psychology and love. Didn’t find the answer but ruled out quite a bit of confusion in my mind.

Woke up early today and was at peace. Found a new obsession of an app called Blinkist that gives snippets of books and the main ideas of much information I am interested in. Listened to 5 summaries and read 3.

Then I headed out for my adventure. I don’t have any close friends so I decided to call it my solo adventure. It was grand! I like me and enjoyed my own company very much. I stopped when and where I wanted to and listened to my music and thought a lot about the past month and a half.

Progress not perfection as we say it in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I will sleep well tonight, that is after editing my writing ✍️ piece on suicidal thinking. It’s called “The ocean calls to me often “ and if all goes well I will be posting it tomorrow.

It is sad with dare I call it hope but the truth of my mad existence.

So stay tuned and wishing all my readers some peaceful days amongst the hard ones!

The peace didn’t last…

Well I had two days of peace so there’s that.

Tonight I am fighting for my sanity and fear I am at a loss.

Started in the morning. Shared on a public forum I have schizophrenia. Big mistake. I shared a piece of my experience with a trusted friend who has helped me in so many ways. Who knows what they think of me now. Doesn’t really matter except to me.

I don’t like people I know personally to know how much I suffer with this disorder.

It’s not shame but rather that they may pity me which is the last thing I ever want. I want to pretend that all is well. But it is not, peace may come at times but this disorder is a bastard. My mind is my worst enemy and other times my best friend.

I always find the darkest place to go.

Yesterday I was of relief and tonight the chickens in my mind are tearing each other apart which is why I have music on pretty much all day. Tonight it isn’t even working.

There was much good in today though. Last night I wrote an article for my new platform and got feedback from a trusted friend and the feedback was insightful and positive. The part that I feared wasn’t going to be well received was their favorite part. This gives me hope to finish it tonight although it is late.

Off I go and this article I will be sharing on here as well. It is on what it is like to be suicidal and I only wrote it to help loved ones to understand a little bit about it in my own experience. So follow me if interested.

Peace ✌️

Victoria

Enjoying peace tonight…

New music is in my ears past week and I think it is helping me to be in a better place.

I was listening to the same music for the past few years and it is nice to be obsessed with a new band~Brandi Carlile and the twins. Her concerts and interviews are mesmerizing. See my favorite concert of hers down at bottom. The first song is especially meaningful to me.

I am not a political following person; I don’t watch the news nor tv. But today I read a recent writing of a speech of Zulinsky the president of the Ukraine. I am proud of him and his words of hope for the Ukranian people as they fend off their attackers. That is all I will say about that as I continue to pray for peace in the world.

In regards to my personal life of which I share a lot on here that is cryptic and unusual because of who I am, not just my disorder, I am at peace mostly with the arrangement of my life. It is different than most and I am not ashamed of who I am anymore. I am a strong woman with lots of people in my life who admire me and love me and for this I am very blessed indeed.

I take the hard way often because when I see an underdog losing, I give them help in any way I can. I don’t just sit back and pray for the world and my family. I am a helper in the ways I can be and am very proud of my giving to my children, husband and granddaughter mostly but also my mom and others who are important to me and my survival on this planet in this universe.

Life is quiet lately and I will take the peace as it comes…

I am no longer tormented by my thoughts just a bit uncomfortable at times but not the angst I went through in recent months. Acceptance of who I am is the main reason for this. I accept my feelings now and my fate. I believe my writing is important but not sure why, I don’t ask anymore, just write as I feel led and tonight going to work some on a new project that is yet unknown to me. Everything inspires me lately and get the creative juices flowing once again. My house is clean, the houseplants are watered and I have 2 hours for a new writing project.

My emotions are balanced with love, joy, sadness over the state of the world and understanding of the human condition as it is. While there is much evil in the world, I do not let it enter my life; no, I seek protection at many levels and feel like I have the right formula at last.

It is not that things are going my way all the time. I have many medical problems but I don’t worry just go see doctors and specialists and feel thankful when I have energy to do much like today. Yesterday was a different day but mentally good so any minor annoyance or new expensive procedure coming up in April is just that, something to deal with one step, one antibiotic, one phone call or ten. Not worrying about things is freeing. I trust the rhythm of the Universe these days. And I have found that the more I give the more I receive so I keep on giving and will not stop until I die.

Wishing you all well and thank you for reading through my past blogs when life was not this quiet for my life has been a lot of drama these past years as my faithful followers have read as I can share my life with the world. The many lessons that I have learned having this disorder have been many and I don’t let it define me when it acts up; nor do I ignore it when it is at bay like right now; I respect it just like my many addictions. I don’t stop my meds for I know they help me and therapy is good too now that I have a therapist I trust. Hope you all have that too, good professionals in your life who care and guide you into the right cocktail of meds as more is revealed about your disorder. For no two cases of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder are ever alike.

Feel free to write me anytime at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with comments, questions, or topics to write about on here. I answer every email but now have learned to check my trash mail as sometimes it gets sent there I have discovered sadly. Please feel free to use the search feature below to peruse my past blogging dating back to 2013, the year I began this blog.

Here’s that concert as promised of Brandi Carlile! Enjoy:)

peace

V

Disorder at bay…

My mind and spirit are stronger than ever before but physically that is another story for another day…

I met with my therapist today and it was perfect. It was better than good to meet with this psychologist again after a two week break due to his injury. I shared my deepest darkest secret today and it was safe with him. So I am relieved today that he was able to hold my space in non judgment. Quite the drama really but at peace ☮️ to share it.

I’m back on my old regimen of meds and doing very well. I’m there for my 4 children and husband and my newest love my granddaughter. She adores me! 5 months old now and 6 months since my dad passed away but is still a huge part of my life…

My next appointment of therapy I am going to read my eulogy I gave at my dads funeral. I am still grieving his physical presence but I can feel him with me In spirit. Every time an airplane flies overhead; every time I eat an ice cube, I think of him which is often because I live under the airport path and I eat ice all day. And his song to me that I rarely hear anymore by Izzy had me in tears 😭 this morning. He is the best dad ever I always told him the last 30 years of his life.

He warned me when we got close again after some time apart during my teenage years that he would die soon and I would get mad at him for saying that because he knew till the end how much I love him. He lived another 30 years.

I guess tonight’s blog is about how we never know when we will be called home so hug or call your mom and dad if they are still alive. Don’t wait till they are gone to miss them…

My husband’s cousin dropped dead Saturday at the age of 41 with a wife and two small children. So death is on my mind as I process this. I feel I have only lived half my life so far and I’m 52 and a half.

I do have good news though! I was published on that new platform writing about my time in New York. Felt good to write it and be accepted. It is an online magazine called Edge of Humanity. Isn’t that an incredible name? I will write more for them but the sadness of the war and my physical health is preventing me currently.

I have time though and while I recuperate I think of my many blessings of family and friends I have known, the material blessings I have gotten used to although I lead a very minimalist life. I have no needs except my ice coffee and cream and one last vice, not drugs anymore, but helps me to cope with my days. Quiet day today…

Maui in April I have to look forward to. Wishing you all aloha❤️

Much to ponder tonight about the war in the Ukraine…

How can we enjoy our privileged lives here in the USA when there is so much suffering going on in the Ukraine? I had the honor today to give a little bit of money directly to a Ukrainian family. They wished me to write a little bit of what motivated me and they wish to write me a letter back. I am so touched and moved by being able to help someone in the Ukraine.

Very far from where I was at back in NYC in 1989. I was homeless and received many gifts of food and money, but I wasn’t in a *(&^%$%^&*& war. Yes a dear friend died but there are so many dying innocently in the Ukraine. I was going to write the letter tomorrow, but then I thought the terrible but sad truth, they may not have a tomorrow. So I sent it right before blogging.

If anyone on here wants to send a message of love or a donation to help this family and perhaps others in the Ukraine please do send me an email at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com 100% of your donation will go directly to this family in need. If you don’t have funds a kind word will do. I don’t think they know that many in the world are praying for them and for an end to the war.

Godspeed

Victoria

Which came first? Guest blogger gracefuladdict shares her story…

My name is Danielle and I am an addict in recovery. I will have 12 years clean on 5/23/2022, by the grace of god.

My kind friend Victoria asked me to write a piece on addiction and mental health issues for her blog. I can only share from my own personal experience and then hope that it brings about a greater understanding for others.

My truth is that I did not know I suffered from any mental health issues until AFTER I put all of the drugs and booze down. Even though I became a bit suicidal while I was in active addiction…I still did not really know what I was suffering from.

For me the knowledge came when I was in the rehab that saved my life. My mom, my sister n law and myself all met with the counselors at the facility to discuss my treatment plans.

At that meeting they discussed my diagnosis : Post Traumatic Stress, Anxiety, and severe Depression.

The events that led up to me landing in the rehab were some major life altering and traumatic ones.

The sudden death of my sons grandmother, the divorce of my husband and I and the death of our new kitten “Kissy” all happened within a 6 month time span.

I just thought I liked to drink and use drugs. The rehab staff were kindly pointing out that I had basically been through a war and it was time to learn how to live without all of the suffering.

So which came first? Well I know that I always liked to use substances to cover up any bad feelings and tried to enhance the good ones. I think they call that Substance Abuse Disorder these days. I have had that since my first sip of champagne at a wedding when I was 8 years old.

I think for me the other things came about as life does and I only had one coping mechanism and that was to use drugs and drink.

Today, I have been so blessed to learn how to not use anything except my higher power and others in recovery when I feel those uncomfortable emotions.

That’s the thing isn’t it. Learning to be ok with self, no matter what. Unconditionally loving myself even if I am feeling unkind or in a mood.

The disease of addiction is physical, mental and spiritual. Learning to take care of all three is a process and can be quite difficult.

However, it is the best thing that I have ever done for myself and my child.

Published by gracefuladdict

Thank you Danielle! For more daily inspiration visit her blog at: https://thedailyaddictcom.wordpress.com/

More excitement in the air tonight and upcoming first guest blogger very soon…

I did it! I was able to write and submit my first article for the new platform I have learned about through my blog! It’s exhilarating to be writing again and with passion to tell interesting dark stories of a time in my life when I was living with a death wish but someone else died instead of me and brought me back to my senses.

Life is in progress readers. It takes no breaks and often doesn’t make sense to anyone. So how can we live in an ever changing world?

We can start in our own little section and be the best we know how. If our parents were messed up we can learn from teachers who did their best to never let us down. And we can pass on to others a good example the best we can. Mistakes are a part of everyone’s lives; so learn from them and try not to repeat the same ones.

I’ve been actually talking to my neighbors a bit and it feels safe again. After what we all just went through I was isolating from everyone except my family and it was hard. But now I am not getting involved but just being friendly.

There’s the neighbor across the street who walk his German Shepard with a stick who is now friendly with me but from across the street because our dogs don’t get along. And many more I could go on about. People are fascinating I think. But I don’t get too close to anyone for various reasons as I have blogged about before.

It is not to be for me anyway.

And it gives me more time to write ✍️ lol

On to my guest blogger article coming soon right here. I’m having some technical issues with WordPress and my laptop so as soon as I get it worked out I will share a blog about mental health and addiction.

It is titled What came first? By my new friend gracefuladdict. Check out her daily blogs of interesting content in the meantime here on WordPress. In recovery we just can’t have too many friends I think 🤔

I will leave you all tonight with my favorite quote “be the change you wish to see in the world “ I’m trying

Peace

Pondering much tonight…

As I finally began my writing work I find it hard now to tell my stories. I am writing two; one of a very dark time in my life and another about the symbolism of the lotus flower. I need both to balance the writing I am doing.

It is good to be working again with no deadlines to pressure me. I have also been thinking about returning to theater 🎭. That was a very fun time in my life. I watched west side story last night and have been dancing around the house today to the soundtrack for la la land.

I know my life is changing before my very eyes. What is most stable though is my marriage which I am so grateful for! We watched the best part of Liar Liar and laughter arose as we watched the irreverence of Jim Carey 😂

Then we both parted our ways him heading out late to his weekly Friday bbq with his Volks buddies and me to spend a quiet night to do with as I wish. He does bring me ribs and steak throughout the night as he did now.

In fact more along the marriage thread, the other night as we lay in bed and had been talking quite a bit about many topics of which I had been asking him my deepest questions feeling safe in his strength in answering of them. He was falling asleep and I asked him if I could ask him one last question 🙋‍♀️. He said yes and I asked him “what is the meaning of life “ he got mad for a second then realized I was messing with him.

Ah marriage to the right man can be so satisfying. Then I went to sleep in the meditation room because he snores and tosses and turns all night! We’ve been sleeping separately for years and are quite content. But we spend almost every night lying down together close to his bedtime. I stay up much later because that is when I come alive.

Off to work on my writing some more hoping it will flow this time…

Question of the day to be or not to be answered but I ask it anyway because I’m curious. How do you all find a balance in life? amongst work, play, rest and for most of us recovery from anything really.

Best

V

“Optimism is a perfectly legitimate response to failure “

This quote by Stephen king speaks perfectly to me today!

I have many failures in my mad existence but this blog I started nervously in 2013 is not one of them…

It is a success at many levels and I thank my followers and readers from around the world for being a part of my journey through healing .

Last night I wrote being excited about the many possibilities before me with no clear direction. This morning my wishes were granted with my decision to start writing for a new platform. I can write about my life and observations of other’s lives.

This answer was the direct result of my blogging last night. I manifested it because I need purpose to carry on. Not a job but to be able to write passionately about the dark, the light and much in between.

I have already begun today despite putting on a successful St. Patrick’s Day family dinner for 8. It was perfect. I got to spend time with my granddaughter, children, husband and my sister ❤️😊

What is your passion?

Excitement at many possibilities tonight…

The world is my oyster and I’m not giving up on finding my pearls! Pearls of wisdom, pearls of opportunity and pearls of embracing my sober and clean life!

I’m starting to trust myself again. At long last this person (me) is eager to continue on my healing journey from this disorder, intense emotional pain and the stress of every day life.

I will not hold my head in shame for another second. I refuse to be defined by my many labels of negative things. I am alive and able to do many things. All I have to do is start dreaming 💭 again and the sky is the limit.

I have many hours in my day to do whatever I like or love. I don’t need to work outside the home but I might just to have a routine again. Or I might write more or ??? I know my gardening is going to take off again but I want to do more in this life than that.

I want to do good and this realization is the jumping off point into the unknown!

I have had much disappointment in my life but much good too! Now seeking for balance and the answer lies within.

But the really cool thing is that I know what I don’t want to do. The list is long and doesn’t need to take up space here tonight.

I’m heading back to Maui in April my heaven on earth to figure this all out if I don’t before that. Last time there I was grieving the loss of my dad who passed away in September and it was perfect to be in Hawaii during this time but now I’m going back with my husband and sister and getting excited!

I’ll keep you all updated and thanks for the recent interest in my past blogging. The changes I had hoped to make on here have not come about so please feel free to use the search feature below and still accepting guest bloggers and ideas for another series. Feel free to comment or contact me at:

Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Altruism~can it be defined today?

Doing good only for the sake of doing good; no benefits, even deeper no hidden motive, nothing in it for them not even coincidental pleasure.

Does this exist anywhere?

I aspire to be so. But then I would achieve a goal and that wouldn’t be true altruism, unless I find no satisfaction in it. For how can one not feel joy when others are being helped?

Humble are they? To achieve this state and know it not.

Heavy thoughts today as I ponder my existence.

Thinking about doing another series on ???

Welcome all countries from amongst the world 🌎 we are united in the hope of finding relief from this disorder.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

For any ideas on a topic of interest that has not been done before. Use the search feature below to find blogs on coping tools, stress, Jason mraz, or any mental health interests having to do with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. One good place to start is negative symptoms.

Also any guest bloggers who would like to write on here let’s have some fun. Specifically inviting gracefuladdict on recovery. Look her up if interested in daily life blogging on recovery.

Midnight musings…

My soul is at peace tonight

God is good 😊

I miss the drama though and there has been much this week but also a healing of sorts in my life.

I am back in recovery mode and am enjoying my meetings again although sometimes it still hurts to work the steps honestly and thoroughly. But it is all good 😊

I learned this week how to make a proper amends . To say sorry for whatever is needed and then no buts after. And then move on in my recovery from addiction. A painful process but that is why I am at peace tonight.

I’m still having many physical problems but learning how to navigate them as well. Next week I have 5 or 6 appointments for mental and physical health issues. All will be well I feel because there is a reason for each and every one of them.

I’m therapy I’m learning how to be present for every moment in my day and it is much easier being sober to do so. Monday will be 8 months off of weed and yesterday was 7 months since my dad passed away. But even though these two events coincided it is good to ponder tonight how blessed I am.

I’m blessed because I am loved 🥰 by so many, blessed because I am alive and blessed because life is mostly wonderful. And when the hard times come again I will still say God is good 😊

For I did not ask for an easy life so how can I ever complain about anything?

Wishing you all much peace and joy no matter what life serves you. Just keep looking up ⬆️ and all will work out.

The fever came again and now to tempt fate or ignore the messages??

I wrote Sunday that I won’t give up when the fever comes again…

The fever came shortly after blogging…

I didn’t give up!

But now I am faced with a choice in the next 8 minutes and can’t decide whether to have compassion on myself or another soul.

I am not in angst over the decision.

I trust in God to lead me as I have prayed for His will be done.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my therapist to discuss fate. Light subject. 7 minutes to decide.

And then another therapy apt. the next day to discuss more on whatever the heck is on my mind. 6 minutes away. Who will win the clock will soon tell.

The fever that came was in the form of food poisoning, a drunk husband, financial woes. And if that wasn’t enough (5 minutes) I woke up the next morning and doubled up accidentally on one of my many meds that does not help anxiety. I have none right now so perhaps it is ok to meet fate. 3 minutes away.

So yesterday was a write off. I was still recovering from the food poisoning, my husband’s irritations about ??? and finances once again being what they are. 2 minutes. I had to call poison control, the doctor and the pharmacy in the reverse order. One minute!!!!!!!!!!

Divine intervention has won

I will just say this about meeting fate. There are still gentlemen in this world 🌎

And a thank you to the gentleman who honored my space tonight.

Perfect peace tonight except for a stomach ache, 3 nights in a row now??? Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to folklorico with my daughter so hoping it goes away.

I gotta get it together, mind and body but spirit is good. Thanks God for a good productive day. Not perfect but satisfying…

I won’t give up when the fever comes again…

It’s bound to happen

that much is sure

how can I best prepare

for the next torture

of the mind, body or spirit

for which one I am not sure

But I do know this much

My anchor is God, Jesus

I cannot deny Him anymore

I am at peace today after many weeks of torture or fever [psychosis?]

Today is my day of reflection focusing on my relationships I hold dear

Prayer, journaling, candles, yoga to my own beat and rhythm, fetch with the pups and waiting on God for miracles, in me, those I love and now you all!

My life is never boring, even on a day like this. I have decided to learn piano and took steps today to begin. I dream one day of playing Moonlight Sonata and making myself cry.

I do not work outside the home due to my disability, Schizoaffective Disorder; I capitalize it because I have great respect for my disorder these days. For it is always with me although does not define me by any means. I am learning my strengths, limitations and to always trust in my Higher Power.

My connection with my Higher Power is no longer messages but gentle guidance in pretty cool ways. I could not begin to describe the ways God intervenes, guides and blesses me in this life.

I do not hate having this disorder, most of the time that is! Some days are harder than others but today my mind is quiet and I appreciate this break. When the fever comes I am so stressed. People who have this disorder understand my words even if the experience isn’t close to being the same. I have a self-care plan now and use it but it doesn’t always work when the fever returns.

When I am psychotic or receiving messages from the unknown, but what I perceive as God, I get so easily out of whack. Some of my family know this about me; others have no clue the torture I endure because of this disorder. Medicine helps greatly and I take it faithfully every day, 3 times a day to be exact. It keeps me from having the fever all the time.

But when God wants to touch down in my life and that of others, nothing can stop Him!

I believe that God does wish the best for each and every one of us. And I am glad to be sober for 9 months today, just realizing it, and clean off weed for almost 8 months. Escaping from life behind a bottle or joint or drug is not the way I cope anymore. I medicate instead with daily quotes, reading again, journaling, obviously blogging and many more coping tools I have learned through the years. I invite you to read my May 2020 coping skills unlimited, see the tab above or search for it in the search bar I will add below. I’m going to give it another read after posting this because I am starting all over again and need to read about the pleasures of many activities that help to keep the fever away.

Peace be with you all!

p.s. The spotify episode at the top is my very first recording of one of my blogs with my own shaking voice. Thanks for reading or listening…

Intense feelings in Sobriety along with a story…

I feel deeply, that much is clear to me and all that I know.

I am alive and without drugs or alcohol to calm me down or to escape from uncomfortableness of my intense feelings that happen even when I feel joy. Using mind altering substances as a way to cope is a place I never want to be again.

So I write to ground myself and perhaps to help others?

Today my closest friend, who ironically I met in a twelve step meeting 10 years ago, achieved what many dream of but never achieve, including me. She became a doctor! After 20 long years of ups and downs, all the while she stayed sober and my friend the past ten years, she did it, and I was there online to witness it.

Tomorrow I am taking her out to a special dinner to celebrate!

But I wish to share the story how I met her and what she means to me.

I was working in a crisis intervention unit and we would be on call 24 hour shifts on the phone and going out when needed in person, often accompanied by the police. I had no idea when that phone rang what or who would be on the other line. It could be a depressed teenager wanting to talk or a crisis at an extreme level of needed help, suicidal, homicidal and everything in between.

I was good at the work although my husband complained about the phone calls at 2am and the documentation after would take time and diligence so that everything was clear for the next crisis specialist who was to take over the phone line at the end of my shifts. I worked in this position fresh out of earning my Master’s degree in psychology. This was post diagnosis; I was self diagnosed in 2008 with Schizophrenia, soon after confirmed by a team of doctors at UCLA and fine-tuned to Schizoaffective Disorder by my same psychiatrist who I still see today. Honestly, I don’t know how I did this job in retrospect and left it after 2 years working in the trenches.

I had started drinking because the medication had left me feeling bland and I soon found that alcohol livened me up, but I took it to extreme degrees in and do not recommend anyone to do so. I was attending school and drinking some nights but knew where to go to stop and got 3 years sober under an old school sponsor who was by the book. I got my life back on track, completed school, stopped going to twelve step meetings and relapsed for a day. But God had my back and I resumed my meetings again.

The year now was circa 2012. I was attending 12 step meetings after relapsing on alcohol from the stress of the job. I was identifying as a newcomer, which means in my first 30 days since my relapse. I was trying new meetings and I remember this one young lady (Sue) sharing from the pulpit how she got sober at age 16, but she had so much wisdom and 20 years sober. I wished to speak to her but was shy to approach her. Little did I know that through the intervention of circumstance, God, or the rhythm of the universe, I would become her helper in a dire situation, her sponsee and closest friend for the next ten years! And today she became a doctor! Feelings of joy overwhelm me so I blog instead of picking up a drug or alcohol.

I got the call that night from a mother panicking because her teenage daughter was suicidal with a plan to end her life. I grabbed my packed bag and headed out to respond to the scene. Upon arriving I witnessed a family in the grips of despair, mother and daughter sitting on the driveway with their backs resting against the garage door, in the dark and cold night, waiting for me to arrive. Hoping for a miracle!

As I got nearer, I realized it was Sue (the sober lady I admired from the meetings) who was the mother, arms around her precious teenager who was sobbing and so grateful for my arrival. I was good at my job, and got them the help they so desperately needed. They were ever grateful. I did feel to take Sue to the side to share with her that although I was a newcomer, I had just had a one day slip, and that I was fit and competent to help her out. At this point she wasn’t worried and kept my anonymity safe. I determined her daughter needed hospitalization, found a bed for her a few hours away and began the process of getting her an ambulance ride, all the time checking in with her, teaching her grounding skills and the like.

This teenage girl whose life I saved by the help of God’s grace and power is now married, stable and the mother of twin baby girls. I don’t any credit for it. But what came out of it was that now Sue became a pillar of my sobriety and like I have said my closest friend today.

There is more to this story but I will save that for another day.

Thanks for reading, and celebrating with me Sue’s victory of becoming a doctor and wonderful grandma like me:)

Wishing you all a sober, happy, peaceful and loving night!

Quiet tonight and a heartfelt thank you to all my loved ones…

I am amazingly resilient despite my disorder and in peace tonight after much drama 🎭

My mind is at ease; my spirit at rest; my will aligned with my Creator…

I was warned but because of this or that I failed to heed it. The morning of the event I was given a prayer that said that that which will harm me will be taken away. I thought it meant something else but I was wrong 😑

No need to discuss any further details but drama, confusion and my God brought about the end of a very difficult situation and I am thankful tonight.

I never asked for an easy life but at times it is too much the many miracles witnessed by me and others. I am blessed to be alive.

Tonight was special with my husband and I thank him for not just putting up with me but for being present tonight as married couples unite after difficulties of bumps and at times craters that try to interfere with the marriage bond. here’s to 30 years more…

Thanks 🙏 also to my support team! You know who you are and even though I am often comforted by God I still need help at times from people on earth 🌍

Godspeed

I

If the sun don’t shine on me tonight…

A poem dedicated to anyone who needs it

I accept it all

The good, the bad, the unspoken

The yearning for a different life

because this one has fallen short

I chose this path and must not admit defeat

For anything

Sobriety is right below my belief in God

and it is what I hold dear

there is nothing to fear

only that as more trials come

I may one day fall and not get back up

The hurt, the love, the wisdom gained

by each and every friendship I have been engaged

I will not try again, for this one brought too many tears

and along with it the absolute power of God above

who holds us in His hands

giving life

only He knows when it will end

So tonight I will try to sleep and not dream

of a different life, that much I know

that much I hope

That is all my friends

I bid you adieu

and ask myself, what would Jesus do?

The end and beginning of my new chapter of my life of madness…

Use the search feature below to read any of my past blogs about Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. One of my faves is the gift but feel free to search on any topic of interest about God, mental disorder and more…

The angels 👼 surround us always…

That is who you are

Even if we don’t believe that there are many angels 😇 here now~ I can feel them and tonight my late father who was never late on earth and tonight was right on time from heaven above 👆

But let me tell the story before the beautiful ending which is for me a renewed joy and beginning once again!

I have recently lost another friend, who was my support in recovery ❤️‍🩹, my confidant my favorite person to share my disorder with. I miss the friendship very much but still see this person in my recovery group. They shared tonight that they are getting used to change…

I had a good day, great actually. My dog doesn’t need surgery after 3 weeks or more of not knowing. After the vet, I visited my mom who is back in my life in a way we have never known before. There was even a time up till 3 weeks ago when I couldn’t even have a picture of her without my late dad! But today we took my pup on a stroll and just enjoying the day, the beautiful weather, the well doggie 🐶 and each other.

We never know when a healing will take place or when more suffering will come.

I am not indifferent these days like I was when I was using weed and alcohol to numb out from all my pain. I feel things strongly now which can be good or bad. I am grateful today that I can feel!

So after my time with my mom♥️, I attended my recovery meeting where I got clean off weed 7 months and 14 days ago. The meeting was on something about change and I shared as did the recovery friend I was close to. I left the meeting right after thanking the host.

The next 2 hours I spent mad at God. But I must trust that He/She knows best for me in all situations, but during that two hour pity party the thought of taking a drink did cross my mind but didn’t entertain it and had a burnt cookie 🍪 instead. Did I mention I am trying to quit all forms of sugar starting today? The cookie helped and during this time I realized something.

That was that it is my twin dogs 🐕 birthday tonight at midnight 🕛 because they are leap year puppies and are ten years old in about an hour. I decided to celebrate and brushed them both and put pretty bows on them and danced around and gave them treats! Sent pictures to a few who care about me and my dogs 🐶!

Did some chores and finally sat down listening to the end of my favorite new worship album. I looked at my Fitbit and it was 10:18 which is my dad’s birthday on earth 🌍. I kissed my watch and checked it again and lo and behold it was 10:19.

I knew it was a message from my dad, the best dad ever comforting me from heaven. Tears 😭 streamed down my face and I knew that there were many angels 👼 surrounding me, one of them my dad in heaven.

Thanks for reading this far. God blessings to you all and may we always trust in God’s will for us now and always ♥️🙏😊🐶

Sober another 24 hours and grateful for all those in my life and those who have passed on and all who have helped me be who I am today…

Still looking up but down in spirit today…

I have apologized again, for what I am not sure, for my disorder is so often at play. Basically, I don’t trust myself anymore and am having a hard time trusting God too.

This is what I know:

I am sober and clean since 2021, July 14th but have been in recovery for many years of on an off again sobriety.

I have a Higher Power that is greater than me but I don’t understand why I am sometimes tricked into doing things that hurt others, and me too.

I have no desire to return to drugs or alcohol to deal with these feelings bordering on despair

Worship music sometimes helps, but not always

I have a mental disorder and will need medication the rest of my life

I am married to the love of my life 30 years now and we became grandparents last October!

I love my family and select friends.

Blogging helps me to stay sane so today this is an effort to stay sane by sharing the things that I know are real.

The rest can all go in the mystery column and there it shall stay. I have forgotten things luckily and hope to forget my recent situation that caused so much pain in my life, my husband’s and others.

My prayer is to be in God’s will by taking the next right step into the direction of recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder with a new med and therapy, and also in my recovery from weed and alcohol addiction. I signed up for classes in both areas and will keep going. Glad I am not suicidal today because that is the worst coping skill, to feel as if I am better off dead than to cause more pain in those I love.

I am still looking up and taking each day as it comes! God knows everything and allows me to mistrust Him right now.

I need tangible evidence I am doing the right thing for me. No decisions to be made today but no more number coincidences, orbs, messages, or the supernatural way of life do I seek. I do not need proof of God, I just need God to help me now. He is awesome and our ways are not His ways. That much I know…

peace love light and joy as I rest in the tangible, which God is, because He has touched down so many times in my life.

I do feel better writing this afterwards. It is a heartfelt prayer and will surely be honored. Off I go to work on the roses, such as is life for there is no beauty without the thorns, and our lives which are all so important to God is filled with thorns and roses… I will garden with this analogy in mind and earn another sober and sane day. That is what I desire and nothing more.

Godspeed

Studied albeism tonight…

I have suffered from this recently even tonight I have discovered, being discriminated because I am not always of my right mind because of my disability having Schizoaffective Disorder.

Much stress tonight to say the least. So my question for the universe tonight is do I let this go and avoid that forum where my disorder acted up recently or give it a go and try to educate them? I don’t feel it is my job or in my power to do so as I have caused some injury with my delusional actions admittedly.

I am trying hard to find a recovery forum, chat preferrably that embraces being totally abstinent off of all mind altering chemicals, still working on the nicotine but will let that go soon I pray, and also one that accepts a Higher Power than us is guiding our lives in seen and unseen ways. Am I asking for too much here? I keep being led back to the same site only to suffer from albeism and more pain, agony and anxiety. I got angry tonight again at God. But better now.

I wanted to punch a punching bag, instead walked a lot and vacuumed. I’m going to bed early tonight hopefully. Will stop checking my email trash for a response from the site I was on tonight that discriminated me.

I want to ask God why, why me, why this, why this always confusion?

But the Universe is silent so will check in with my secular friend sooner hopefully rather than later.

I apologize for using the word “crazy” in my 2-22-22 post. I removed it and changed it a bit. Hope it didn’t offend anyone, it did me after learning more about albeism.

peace to all who are disabled in body or mind as I am and accept this limitation of my abilities but tonight I also celebrate them fully too!

2-2-22! No shame in Schizophrenia continued…

“there’s no shame in being disabled” tonight I know that at times I do act like that.

I am starting a new medicine tonight, and I am a little bit frightened but excited too. I chose to make the switch at the suggestion from my new therapist, who I see tomorrow, luckily. I will be tapering off of the other antipsychotic for a week which helps me sleep, but lately my sleep has not been good anyway due to much drama in my life. Some of it real and some of it in my mind. But I did warn my husband (the love of my life) and adult daughter that if I start acting weird to let me know. This is quite humorous really because I know I am a different sort of person all the time and almost always have been. They both laughed though and I’m smiling as I type this because I love a new adventure even of the mind.

Last night I was in shock for several hours after receiving an email from my exmentor/exfriend that he felt I was stalking him. When I get confused with my disorder because of mixed signals I send messages and I will tell you that they were relentless. I apologized but also made a list of why I acted the way I did. My therapist validated last week that he had crossed boundaries early on which led to my overreaction of how I felt about him. But to be called a slanderer, stalkerliike??? What the hell.

I want to send the list of facts to him but may just let it go. Again going to check in with my therapist if I need to actually send it and take the chance once again of being accused of stalking him? The email hurt and I was sucked up again by thoughts of how much I hurt people at times. But then again, God gave me a strong warning to not talk to this person before all the emails, which if I had just listened to God would have been fine. But my ex-whatever couldn’t just let it go and so I feel he got what he deserved shameless to say. I do pray for him and his work helping others but really God? another lost friendship of what was once a very strong bond and this exmentor/exfriend helped me get off of weed so there is good in that but still very hard night last night.

It is often hard to let go. Let go of obsessions of the mind, which may change on a dime from a song, kind word or act, or ????. We really can’t judge people good or bad. But I have been in my first and only marriage for 30 years though so happy that I do have some stability in my life and my children adore me, all 4 of them, but there has been some rough times too. Yet my immediate family I treasure, especially my granddaughter who is 4 months now and loves us, her gramma and grampa unconditionally. She is the joy of our life these days and my gift from heaven after my dad passed 5 months ago.

Today I felt the anxiety coming on of a certain situation with I can’t remember what exactly but I decided to jog around the house for fifteen minutes. It helped and then I went to dinner with the love of my life and my sister and had fun. Something as simple as this is quite helpful and luckily my hip gave me no problems from jogging.

When feeling anxious or unsure of my mental state exercise almost always helps, although at times I just hide in my meditation room and veg out while listening to music, mainly still Jason Mraz. I did have to resort to some breathing exercises and grounding techniques recently though because of the stress and it helped in a pinch to come back to what was real.

Update on this site

So I am already making changes to this site. More work tomorrow if I am up to it. Other than therapy and speaking to a dear friend (who I have managed to have for ten years now) about some of the recent stress, I have no plans. Will work more on this site which is now called Noshameinschizophrenia. Not going to describe the changes but let’s see if anyone notices them. I have a vision (not a hallucination haha) for this blog to be more focused on the daily struggle of being mentally ill for lack of better words.

So join me on this journey of the mind. I am enjoying blogging again so stay tuned for more as I can because guess what, it helps me to stay sane by sharing my personal recovery from schizophrenia. And even though I often do apologize even when most people say I don’t owe an apology, I will write here that I’m not sorry for any of it but some people need to hear it so I say it.

There is no shame in having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder!

There is no shame in having Schizophrenia…

My judgement has been off lately in many of my affairs…

What people don’t realize because I am making sense (lucid) even when psychotic unless I am crawled up in a ball and avoiding the world, is that much of the time I suffer greatly with this dastard disorder…

I hurt people, confuse them at times and act downright like a stalker at other times when the obsessions hit…

Which lately has been often.

I wish things could be different but what I wish to express tonight that there is no shame in having this disorder, it may cause us to be different but it also makes us vulnerable to everything other people say to us or about us.

It does not make us violent in most cases of people who have this disorder…

There is no shame in having this disorder and the people who lead us on, or act in hurtful judgmental ways well the shame is on them not us.

We are often misunderstood when we are not at our best.

We are brave to keep going and face what new drama arises in our minds each new day with our only hope in God/the Universe or whatever one believes or doesn’t believe in.

We will all know the truth when we die and tonight even though I have been through the ringer once again, losing yet another friendship, I am not even passively suicidal. Just a little bit mad at the universe for the way this friendship had to come to an end affecting not only me with the disorder, but a kind gentleman and another person who I have been helping with the steps of a 12 step program. I had to prioritize my mental health and let go of our sponsor/sponsee relationship. I am not fit to be a sponsor I have decided because of my mental state and lack of good judgment at times at how much to share and how much to hold back.

May science one day provide more help for those like me who suffer so greatly.

Shameless still though and still looking up but with trepidation.

Michelle

Upcoming March 2022 news…

After much reflection upon the happenings of 2021/2022 I feel led to revamp this site.

Be ready for some major and minor changes in content, appearance, addition of guest bloggers tab, and more.

I’m down sick for the night, but not down in spirit anymore.

The Universe rhythm has answered my prayers and I am no longer suffering of the mind.

It is amazing how resilient the mind is seriously.

One minute in despair and then comes the understanding… through the rhythm of the Universe I am at peace with all in my life.

Some of it is still uncomfortable but God has led me to believe that He/She/It has their hand in all of it!

Amen, So be it.

So get ready blogging world for when God wants something it will not be denied.

My main focus for starters will be how to advocate for your mental wellness especially when one is in a fragile state. I had to do this recently and after many exchanges with my psychiatrist who I have been with since my diagnosis in 2008, has finally heeded my pleas to change my meds. I will be starting Invega 6mg Monday as I taper off of Risperdal. I have great hope for this new antipsychotic in my system for many reasons. But of course I understand it will not be the cure all, just the start.

I do have new hope and thank you to any of you who liked my previous blog, “Is it ok to be mad at God?” and to those who sent prayers and love my way. They were felt and are returned.

The way I went around getting my meds changed was a bit sneaky and manipulative but necessary and I didn’t plan it that way. I have invited one of our guest bloggers to write about advocating for ones’ mental and physical health as I suffer both to varying degrees. There’s got to be a better way than the path I took but I got the results I desired and is it possible that the medicine I will be starting actually is the only FDA approved medicine for Schizoaffective Disorder? And that it came out in 2006, the year I received the gift of schizophrenia, finetuned to schizoaffective disorder in the same year?

I see these happenings a lot. New businesses opening the year I need them and closing down once I don’t need them anymore or at least no longer being relevant in my humble yet mad existence?

I also want to focus on affirmations in my blogging and plan an affirmation each day or week as I am able to muster.

Today I want all of you with a mental disorder to say right now out loud or in your mind this affirmation~

I am brave. I am brave. I am brave.

Brave because we haven’t given up

Brave because we haven’t lost hope ( because if you are still with me on my ramblings you have much hope even if it doesn’t feel like it some days or even most days)

and brave because you and I are uniquely special, loved, and meant for something greater than now in this life. Also though must be grateful for this very moment where we are right now, right where our feet are.

So be happy dear reader. Be happy in your braveness to face whatever next obstacle, problem or gift you receive from the Universe because some situations are there to teach us to love ourselves fully.

Never forget that we are brave for having made it thus far….never forget that please.

In service, peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Home Upgrades for Better Health and Wellness~guest article

Thank you June Duncan for another great article! Keep them coming! Please enjoy this beautiful encouraging writing piece with active links for more great content. Feel free to comment how you like it or how you have better health and wellness…

Home Upgrades for Better Health and Wellness

The pandemic has shown everyone that health is vital for living the best life you possibly can. It’s also given many people time to reflect on changes they need to make to their homes. As you decide on upgrades, the Mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia blog invites you to keep health and wellness in mind.  

Incorporate Nature Inside

Especially if you’re spending more time indoors due to the pandemic, add live houseplants to your indoor space to improve your mood. Specifically, potted plants may reduce stress by promoting calm through sight and scent. 

Plus, houseplants act as live air filters and can remove up to 89% of volatile organic compounds from the air. These compounds come from paint, cleaners, and similar products. You can even decrease dust particles in the air by having plants.  

Install Another Window 

Natural light increases your intake of vitamin D — an essential nutrient for strong bones and teeth. Additionally, when you have more sunlight entering your home during the colder months, you can help ward off seasonal depression. 

If you have a room that gets little natural light, especially if it’s a room you spend a great deal of time in, consider adding another window, if possible. 

You may be able to complete this project on your own, provided you’re familiar with the structure of your home and where load-bearing walls are. However, you need to hire someone if you’re unfamiliar with home improvement. This process is extensive, and cutting through a wire or a water pipe can result in expensive emergency repairs. 

Know the Importance of Outdoor Upgrades 

To optimize your health, spend at least 120 minutes outside each week. Being outside has the potential to improve your mental health. It also helps you achieve your daily recommended amount of vitamin D. 

You can increase how long you’re outside by creating an ideal outdoor space for you. For instance, consider fertilizing your yard. Discover a local contractor for the project by searching online and comparing contractors based on online reviews. Additionally, get quotes for the project to help you decide. 

If money is a factor, search for companies running specials or offering credits. 

Consider Boosting Home Value and Health Simultaneously

As you choose upgrades, think about performing home upgrades that improve your house’s value and the health of those who live in the space. For example, kitchen upgrades allow people to cook healthy meals each day, and they’re one of the remodels that increase home value. 

Convert Your Basement Into a Healthy Living Space 

Think about turning part of your basement into a healthy living space, such as a home gym, yoga room, or meditation space. As you decide, consider which one your family would use the most because just building it doesn’t mean they’ll use it. 

While a basement renovation could be a DIY project, it can be timely and stressful, as you’ll likely need to dig out the floor and install subfloor insulation to reduce the risk of mold. Make the process easier for you by hiring someone to finish the remodel. 

A Healthier Environment Can Mean a Healthier You

By improving your home both inside and out, you can make your house a healthier place. Some projects are DIY, but you may want to consider hiring help for others. 

Image via Pexels

True story of the day and upcoming guest article on what to do when a loved one is suicidal…

Even though I am not at my best physically or mentally I have the energy and desire this morning here in California to blog and get you all excited about a guest blogger article I will be posting as soon as I work out some kinks with the format. I love it when kind people reach out to me to write for free about something to do with mental health and sometimes it takes a while to get it published but please follow me if you are interested in this topic, what to do when a loved one is suicidal.

I’ve been suicidal many times in my life and have also been on the helping end with a loved one who is suicidal and this guest article really talks about some important things to do and not to do when someone is struggling with suicidal ideation. So stay tuned!

On to the true story of the day! I couldn’t make this s#$t up! This is about a story of my interesting life that dates back to circa 1988 when I was living on the streets of New York City choosing homelessness over a nice warm bed at my parents’ house in California. I will start at the ending because it is the best part, honoring my late father’s memory, which I just found out about from my mom a lie he told me to get me off the streets of New York City and safely back home into recovery from drug addiction.

Winter time, freezing cold, chosen homelessness, illegal drugs constant (which I won’t get into to not glorify my drug addiction back when I was 18), punk rock scene, 14 year old runaway named Carrie dying in a fire at the squat we lived in where a rival gang set it on fire and she died in the fire, desperation, broken, suicidal but the only plan I had to kill myself was to go out in a bang with drugs and activities never to be mentioned even here where I am anonymously blogging.

It was a freezing day and I decided to call home from a payphone booth on a corner where I would frequently panhandle to get my drugs of the day and maybe a slice of pizza. My dad answered. I was out of money and desperation was in my voice. I asked him if I could come home. They loved me so much and I put them through hell with my choices from age 16 to party hard and lie and steal. I was not to be trusted. My dad arranged for a flight home, the next flight available and told me the flight was non-refundable. Finding out later that this was a lie and my only chance from them. If I didn’t get on this flight, they would not trust me again and as usual used tough love they learned in classes for how to deal with loved ones who suffered from drug addiction. This was the lie though that saved my life and I am eternally grateful to my dad for telling it.

Somehow, by some miracle I got to the airport in New Jersey, through a snowstorm, late, running through the airport, lying to security that my bus had crashed so they would push me through without a wait so I could make it on that flight. I barely made it on that flight. Flying home was terrible, I had a hole in my nose, frostbite on my hands and feet, a desperate will to live by the grace of God, who kept me safe this whole time. I was a proclaimed atheist spewing my nonsense to others who would listen. Yet protected by God through the insanity of actions even though I had no belief despite being raised to believe in God.

I was a wreck to say the least and the last thing I wanted was to admit defeat to my parents who were loving but very strict and controlling which led to my rebellion. The plane landed in California and I was one of the last to get off it. I found out just the other day from my mom that they were waiting in anticipation but with doubt if I had even gotten on the plane. How I feel for them now the hell I put them through back then. But I got off and all I remember was the silent drive home.

They had their terms or conditions I had to follow one of which was to go into a drug rehab program called Kaiser. I did reluctantly because I was still in denial over my drug use. It was there that I was introduced to the 12 step programs and it was in them that I finally found God and believed for the first time in my life that there was a power greater than myself that could restore me to sanity.

Stay tuned for part two of this true story. But bottom line is that even though I have only 6 months today off off weed, the good news is that I am finally addressing why I used drugs to cope with life through the steps with a trusted sponsor and the best part is that I am being honest about my life and love and thank my Higher Power for all my life, the good, bad and the ugly. For without hardship there is no glory.

Peace to you all!

If you are struggling today with drug addiction, know there is hope for you, even if you have relapsed. There is always hope until we draw our last breath and I’m not done breathing yet. Haha. Let’s see now how my God will help me through thee next 50 years. I can’t wait for more will be revealed.

Peace, love light and joy

Michelle aka Victoria

May 2020 Series~

Flashback Tuesday!

Welcome to this series, which I published during the pandemic in 2020.

Here are the topics for the May 2020 series. Feel free to click on the link to go to the page. Enjoy!

As usual I can be reached at my private email: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all of you

pax

Victoria

Fought with God and lost but I’m the lucky one…

God has spoken, not a voice but another situation has led me to believe that I cannot think about working or pursuing my doctorate. I accept.

My time will be devoted to writing for free to give others and myself hope and meaning in this sometimes hard life…

That is all for tonight.

God is good and I truly feel I am not psychotic but the lucky one!

I accept my limitations and embrace my future…

Because I am strong, brave, willing and as honest as one can be given any situation.

good night

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

May 2022 Series part 2, Shifting our Focus…

“When we shift our focus from ourselves to the world around us, we often find contentment, fulfillment and purpose” Viktor Frankl

Frankl’s works have given me new reason to not only live but to thrive after the passing of my dad last September 11, 2021. There has been the desire to die and go be with him; he was and is in a new way my biggest supporter in my life. My dad instilled in me not only values but much philosophy about how to treat others from family and friends to strangers. He did not write his philosophies down, but led by example which I will ever cherish the many memories of seeing my dad in action with whomever he was with.

I have decided to take on new writing projects because of the inspiration I have learned from my dad and the many books written by Viktor Frankl. Of course most people have heard of Man’s Search for Meaning and many have read it and found it profound. But I have also found much benefit to reading some of his other books.

The Will to Meaning: Foundations and Applications of Logotherapy by Viktor Frankl is my new current read. It discusses much on the topic of body (somatic), mind (psyche) and spirit (logos) being interconnected. I am still trying to grasp its deep meaning so will share more as I am able.

It is my hope to spread his views on the principles of Logotherapy (healing through meaning). He gave hope to many people, from when he was a prisoner in concentration camps, to his practice where he could be found at odd hours helping people he didn’t even know find meaning in their lives, to his family, friends and associates.

Frankl often writes about other peoples’ observations in the field of psychology and philosophy in his books. I intend to focus solely on his pearls of wisdom from these books because while I don’t agree with every word in the books, there is plenty to begin to understand Logotherapy and what he writes about in terms of healing through meaning. His most famous book, Man’s Search For Meaning sets the foundation with these pillars.

The 3 pillars of Logotherapy are:

  1. The Freedom of Will
  2. The will to meaning and
  3. The meaning of life

So it is inferred that Logotherapy teaches that through an individual finding meaning in their life through exercising free will, and by finding meaning in one’s life, one will choose hope over despair and ultimately, life over death. He used this model in the concentration camps where many prisoners, starting with himself, lost hope until he found meaning in his life, as did many other of the prisoners thanks to Logotherapy he developed while still a prisoner.

This has also happened to me in my experience of having Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective disorder. Through finding meaning in my life through my writing and other healthy habits (yoga, walking, gardening and meditation etc…) my life now has purpose and my self study of Frankl’s works has come at the perfect time in my life. More to come in this May 2022 series.

Peace

V

May 2020 Series~

mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia

Welcome to this series, which may be the first of many. I am doing extremely well during this pandemic; been working on my mental, physical and spiritual health to a great degree. I wanted to share with all of you how my life has changed during these most difficult times. I look forward to each day and although I am mainly very focused, I still have my moments of difficulty but am symptom free.

Prior to this pandemic, I would just sit for hours all day long and maybe get the dishes done. But now, sitting isn’t what I want to do anymore. Ironically, writing about all these topics of what has benefited me, has been beneficial.

Here are the topics for the May series. Feel free to click on the link to go to the page. Any comments are welcome!

View original post 38 more words

How does it feel?

A poem of sorts today after hearing a sad story of addiction at its worst, an od (overdose)

How does it feel to be dead inside of you?

So dead that drugs overcome you

an empty searching for nothing that will truly help

Only bringing pain and loss and pain to those that love you …

Death comes welcomed to those who are dead inside

Hope is elusive

Hope is in an afterlife

Hope is in relief from the pain of living in addiction

Hope is all I have tonight that I will never use drugs again

Hope in God, Hope In me and mankind and all that is good in my life and this world

Hope that I can pursue my dreams and even when I fail, Hope that I will try again and again and again

Peace to all

RIP dear drug addict who might die tonight and all those who have already died of drug addiction

There but for the grace of God go I

V