had a relapse with alcohol…

So I don’t talk a lot about my struggles with alcohol but it seems I can only get about two years sober and then I relapse.  I had one glass of wine and began to obsess about being a normal drinker.  I am not a normal drinker, I have proven that for many years in and out of the program.  I had dreams of drinking a bottle of wine for new year’s eve and red wine ahhh red wine.  Makes me feel so fine.

I need to be checking on my mental health.  I have an appointment with my pdoc soon, I think next week so that is good.  My diet and exercise have been hit and miss, some days good some days lazy and eating because of the holidays.  I have a fridge full of food!

But the important thing is that I don’t drink no matter what!



Dedication to my father…

Merry Christmas Eve to all!

I dedicate today and tomorrow’s blog to my dear father who I almost lost twice this year.  But he is still alive although at a diminished capacity.

I love you daddy!  You are the best dad in the whole world and I want everyone to know that!  Even though you didn’t really ever understand my mental disorder, you were always there for me believing in me and rooting for me at every turn in my life!



Finally able to reveal the truth…

With my daughter here visiting from Colorado we have had lots of time together and amazingly we picked up right where we left off except that I was really able to verbalize to her the truth of my condition.  How I still suffer much and about what my bad days now consist of.  I don’t share this with anyone.

My psychiatrist wants me to see a therapist but it is hard to trust someone…

For now being able to share with my daughter is enough.  I want to be alive.  I want to life life.  I want to be ok…..

My husband wants me to work in the new year.  We shall see…..

For now I will keep doing what I have been doing, work intermixed with fun and relaxing things.  Today I walked five miles and it felt great in the cool weather.  Enjoyed an old favorite candy bar while walking, chewy and peanut butter anyone heard of an abazaba?

Anyway, even got all my Christmas cards done ready to go out tomorrow.  Feels good and I have a sense of accomplishment.

I have had a few delusions of grandeur and felt like people and the angels and saints are watching me at all times.  But it doesn’t interfere with my functioning level, it just is.

God is a huge part of my day.  I pray the rosary every day and pray throughout the day to the heavens to hear me and have mercy on this poor soul afflicted with mental illness.

I go places through the day and no one suspects that I have a mental disorder.  So that is good.

Well good night you all.  I will be posting a dedication to my father on Christmas so stay tuned.

Wishing you all peace and love!



Is there a number able to count?

I have relapsed several times, some psychotic breaks, some anxiety attacks, some depression and the list goes on…

And each time I have relapsed I have gotten weaker in my ability to recover….

But I don’t give up.  I listen to Jason Mraz I won’t give up and I sing along.

Even though these relapses are behind me, they still affect me greatly.



Short bio

Welcome to my blog!

My name is Victoria and I suffer from Schizoaffective Disorder (SA), which is basically Schizophrenia plus depression; this blog journals my progress from fall 2013 to now although I was diagnosed in 2008. I have experienced both the positive (hallucinations and delusions) and negative symptoms (lack of motivation, flat affect. social difficulties) of Schizophrenia and while the positive symptoms have been under control with Risperdal, since being diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder by UCLA in 2008, I have still suffered from the negative symptoms until recently when my psychiatrist added Latuda. Post diagnosis I received my Masters Degree in Psychology and used to work in the mental health field until stress caused me to try to go on permanent disability in September 2015.

I started this blog in fall 2013 which journals my personal recovery from Schizophrenia. The earliest entries chart my psychotic period 2006/2007 with much in between and my current focus is managing the negative symptoms of Schizophrenia. I welcome all feedback and enjoy meeting new people through this blog and other articles I have written. I have also written a book which is available on Amazon by me, Victoria Marie Alonso- My personal recovery from Schizophrenia, which is for loved ones or those afflicted with this disorder. This blog has been viewed over 11000 times and by over 50 countries! Bienvenidos a todos! Welcome to all!

Please feel free to email me to share your story or that of a loved one at:victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Other mental health providers or researchers are welcome to ask any questions, as well.




A realization…


I had a fleeting thought today that I could work again…

I used to do so much at my old jobs.

It would seem as if post diagnosis with Schizophrenia since 2008 I have gotten progressively worse off.  With each failure, whether it was quitting, going on disability, or getting fired, I have each time digressed to a lower level of functioning ability.

This last time when I got fired, I now suffer from anxiety much worse than before.  I take two anti-anxiety medicines plus heavy mindfulness and I am ok if I do all that.  Exercising helps too, can’t forget that.  Today I didn’t exercise much but did some heavy housecleaning so got my heartbeat up.

It just seems as if my life is not getting better at least work-wise.  But I will look for a job after the holidays.  After my dear daughter comes home for a week.  She is my biggest supporter and really helps me sort things out on our long walks everywhere.

At least I can manage my home, bills, pets, teenage son, spontaneous husband and 2 aging parents.  I am not their caregiver but do help them throughout the week sometimes daily.

I am blessed to be alive.  I wanted to be dead at one point but no more.  No, I want to live my life fully and I am grateful for every day I can do that.



A Short Poem by me…

sitting here in the cold night air

under the moon my pups beside me

and I am in my own world


I sit and think about all the good

things in my life

Without any strife


God is good and ever faithful

Without him I am nothing just dirt

Without love I am nothing too!