Monthly Archives: November 2017

Scared to death

so disability says I am not disabled so I must follow suit…

Tomorrow I am going back to my old work but am applying in a different less stressful situation…

Just wish I wasn’t so tired all the time.  I nap every day now.

I’m in serious debt from the last two years thinking that I was going to get back pay from disability.  But no that is not going to happen.

So I am going on a major spending freeze, only basics… not even the dollar store when I am in the mood for amusement.

I just don’t understand how the doctor’s statement that I am disabled didn’t render a different verdict.  My husband says to let it go…

But I will talk to my lawyer tomorrow all the same.

I just don’t get it.  I have tried to work and met with failure, but maybe this time will be different now that I am on new medicine that really helps me to feel more normal.

Pax

Victoria

Decision rendered, “unfavorable”.

That was all that was sent to me by SSA disability.  unfavorable.

But perhaps it is the very best thing as I already have a job lined up where I used to work as an outreach consultant at a school for my base.  I have very much missed working with children these past two years and with no grandchildren in sight it will be good to work with kids again.  I am strange, I often prefer to spend time with kids than adults.  Much more interesting and I just love their passion for learning new things.

I have already cleaned up my resume and printed it and will go in Monday morning first thing.  Can’t wait till Monday…

I’m not going to say that I’m not scared at the idea of working again, I am, but I choose to be brave and trust in God.  He has brought me safe thus far and I will continue to rely on Him!

Pax

Victoria

Music soothes my soul….

In the mood to blog, hope everyone is doing well.

Music really helps me a lot that and my essential oils…

I find music on Youtube for free and buy some CD’s when I want to play my music while I am working on the kitchen.

Today is my anti-shopping day.  Not one thing, we’ll see, it is hard to resist Amazon Prime.

Right now I am listening to Jason Mraz, Mr. Curiosity.  So amazing!

I am also addicted to the music of Sara Bareilles, I choose you, 100 times and more….

Pax

Voctproa

Schizoaffective disorder isn’t the end of it all…

I was diagnosed in 2008 with this dastartd affliction and not a day has gone by that I have felt normal but on this new medicine I have such high hopes.  Sure the blood tests weekly suck but it is worth it.

I just came off Risperdal which I have been on since 2008.  It kept the voices away but I believe there is more and I want all that is due me.  If it is a life of misery then I accept it but I feel it is going to be so much more.

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate.  I over ate today in celebration of the occasion.  Didn’t feel well much of the day due to either a tummy bug or withdrawl from the Risperdal.  Hopefully will feel better tomorrow.

To anyone newly diagnosed, seriously check out Clozapine.  I have hopes I will be able to work again soon and that is very exciting.  I get bored sometimes being home a lot and often go for drives by myself just to listen to my music and chill…..

Pax

Victoria

Saw my psychiatrist today!

After giving him a very good report, he said, “ok, now we have to try it without your other medicines”.

I was sooooo happy to hear that the first one to eliminate was the Risperdal.  It did save my life back in 2008 but I want more out of life than just not hearing voices.  I want to live again and the past week I have really started living again.

More social, more well balanced, less vices,  a better feeling of well being.

The Risperdal has so many side effects I am really looking forward to tonight when I go to be and increase the Clozapine to 75 mg from 50 and not take the Risperdal.  Next will be the Latuda to go and then the anti-anxiety medications I now take.

I have had such high hopes for this medicine to be the answer to so many things.  I don’t even mind the weekly blood tests ha ha!

Thanksgiving starts tomorrow for our family, with a pre Thanksgiving dinner I make then to my sisters on Thursday for a larger gathering.

Sneak in  a few visits to my dad and it will be a perfect Thanksgiving except for my daughter being away.

Can’t have it all but what I do have is pretty awesome…

Pax

Victoria

Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.

Pax

Victoria

Beyond the yellow brick road….

I so desperately want this medicine to work.  I find myself fantasizing that I am no longer ill, but stable and able to hold down a job even if it’s an easy one.  I dream of the day when this disorder no longer controls me.

 

So far the new medicine is helping with:

connecting to family God and friends more and feeling deep emotions

I am hungrier again (gotta watch that one, don’t want to regain all my weight)

no longer delusional, don’t believe I am the greatest person to ever live anymore.  What a relief!

using music as a major coping skill while I sift through the laziness or drowsiness caused by the new and old med

How I am still suffering

unmotivated at times to do the simplest of tasks

feeling overmedicated being on three antipsychotic meds

poor memory, and judgement

question every decision many times

 

May God bless you all as He has me!

Pax

Victoria

The waiting game…

Hello to all!

One week on Clozapine now and much is going on while I wait to increase it next week and then slowly wean off my other medications.  I have high hopes that I will be much better on this medication.  It has been a long emotional week and then some depression set in today, mild though.  Anxiety was at its peak yesterday and there was nothing to stress me out.  I don’t like that but did have a job interview scheduled for today which I canceled until next week.  I am pretty much praying for a miracle.  It is a job I have always wanted but I might not be ready yet with the adjustments so I am taking it day by day and will decide next week if I am at a better place to work again.

So so far it is a waiting game.

Being mentally disordered sucks!!!!!!

Pax

Vi ctoria

a sad post…..medication helping to feel deep emotions

Today I saw my dad…..he is paralyzed on his left side after two strokes last year July 2, 2016.

He is not always coherent but today was priceless…

I just love my dad so so much and miss our long visits over coffee with him going on and on about whatever was on his mind, advice, observations, secret holder my dad!

I told him I was hearing voices of Jesus and he never told till later after my life unraveled.  I could trust him with anything and everything and trust him I did…

but no more and this makes me so sad…he almost died twice and yet he is still with us in this new limited capacity… but I will take it God, I accept he will never be back to where he was before, so today was special.

We sat by a fountain at the care facility where he lives and called a few people and then he began to just talk to me…in a low but clear voice, advising me as he once did with words from the gospel to be Jesus’ sheep.  we sat a while…and then he was done.

I have been taking Clozapine now for 3 days and I have not felt such deep emotions for a very long time….Can’t wait until it is increased and I can stop taking my other anti-psychotics!

Hope you all are doing well!

Pax

Victoria