Still looking up but down in spirit today…

I have apologized again, for what I am not sure, for my disorder is so often at play. Basically, I don’t trust myself anymore and am having a hard time trusting God too.

This is what I know:

I am sober and clean since 2021, July 14th but have been in recovery for many years of on an off again sobriety.

I have a Higher Power that is greater than me but I don’t understand why I am sometimes tricked into doing things that hurt others, and me too.

I have no desire to return to drugs or alcohol to deal with these feelings bordering on despair

Worship music sometimes helps, but not always

I have a mental disorder and will need medication the rest of my life

I am married to the love of my life 30 years now and we became grandparents last October!

I love my family and select friends.

Blogging helps me to stay sane so today this is an effort to stay sane by sharing the things that I know are real.

The rest can all go in the mystery column and there it shall stay. I have forgotten things luckily and hope to forget my recent situation that caused so much pain in my life, my husband’s and others.

My prayer is to be in God’s will by taking the next right step into the direction of recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder with a new med and therapy, and also in my recovery from weed and alcohol addiction. I signed up for classes in both areas and will keep going. Glad I am not suicidal today because that is the worst coping skill, to feel as if I am better off dead than to cause more pain in those I love.

I am still looking up and taking each day as it comes! God knows everything and allows me to mistrust Him right now.

I need tangible evidence I am doing the right thing for me. No decisions to be made today but no more number coincidences, orbs, messages, or the supernatural way of life do I seek. I do not need proof of God, I just need God to help me now. He is awesome and our ways are not His ways. That much I know…

peace love light and joy as I rest in the tangible, which God is, because He has touched down so many times in my life.

I do feel better writing this afterwards. It is a heartfelt prayer and will surely be honored. Off I go to work on the roses, such as is life for there is no beauty without the thorns, and our lives which are all so important to God is filled with thorns and roses… I will garden with this analogy in mind and earn another sober and sane day. That is what I desire and nothing more.

Godspeed

Studied albeism tonight…

I have suffered from this recently even tonight I have discovered, being discriminated because I am not always of my right mind because of my disability having Schizoaffective Disorder.

Much stress tonight to say the least. So my question for the universe tonight is do I let this go and avoid that forum where my disorder acted up recently or give it a go and try to educate them? I don’t feel it is my job or in my power to do so as I have caused some injury with my delusional actions admittedly.

I am trying hard to find a recovery forum, chat preferrably that embraces being totally abstinent off of all mind altering chemicals, still working on the nicotine but will let that go soon I pray, and also one that accepts a Higher Power than us is guiding our lives in seen and unseen ways. Am I asking for too much here? I keep being led back to the same site only to suffer from albeism and more pain, agony and anxiety. I got angry tonight again at God. But better now.

I wanted to punch a punching bag, instead walked a lot and vacuumed. I’m going to bed early tonight hopefully. Will stop checking my email trash for a response from the site I was on tonight that discriminated me.

I want to ask God why, why me, why this, why this always confusion?

But the Universe is silent so will check in with my secular friend sooner hopefully rather than later.

I apologize for using the word “crazy” in my 2-22-22 post. I removed it and changed it a bit. Hope it didn’t offend anyone, it did me after learning more about albeism.

peace to all who are disabled in body or mind as I am and accept this limitation of my abilities but tonight I also celebrate them fully too!

2-2-22! No shame in Schizophrenia continued…

“there’s no shame in being disabled” tonight I know that at times I do act like that.

I am starting a new medicine tonight, and I am a little bit frightened but excited too. I chose to make the switch at the suggestion from my new therapist, who I see tomorrow, luckily. I will be tapering off of the other antipsychotic for a week which helps me sleep, but lately my sleep has not been good anyway due to much drama in my life. Some of it real and some of it in my mind. But I did warn my husband (the love of my life) and adult daughter that if I start acting weird to let me know. This is quite humorous really because I know I am a different sort of person all the time and almost always have been. They both laughed though and I’m smiling as I type this because I love a new adventure even of the mind.

Last night I was in shock for several hours after receiving an email from my exmentor/exfriend that he felt I was stalking him. When I get confused with my disorder because of mixed signals I send messages and I will tell you that they were relentless. I apologized but also made a list of why I acted the way I did. My therapist validated last week that he had crossed boundaries early on which led to my overreaction of how I felt about him. But to be called a slanderer, stalkerliike??? What the hell.

I want to send the list of facts to him but may just let it go. Again going to check in with my therapist if I need to actually send it and take the chance once again of being accused of stalking him? The email hurt and I was sucked up again by thoughts of how much I hurt people at times. But then again, God gave me a strong warning to not talk to this person before all the emails, which if I had just listened to God would have been fine. But my ex-whatever couldn’t just let it go and so I feel he got what he deserved shameless to say. I do pray for him and his work helping others but really God? another lost friendship of what was once a very strong bond and this exmentor/exfriend helped me get off of weed so there is good in that but still very hard night last night.

It is often hard to let go. Let go of obsessions of the mind, which may change on a dime from a song, kind word or act, or ????. We really can’t judge people good or bad. But I have been in my first and only marriage for 30 years though so happy that I do have some stability in my life and my children adore me, all 4 of them, but there has been some rough times too. Yet my immediate family I treasure, especially my granddaughter who is 4 months now and loves us, her gramma and grampa unconditionally. She is the joy of our life these days and my gift from heaven after my dad passed 5 months ago.

Today I felt the anxiety coming on of a certain situation with I can’t remember what exactly but I decided to jog around the house for fifteen minutes. It helped and then I went to dinner with the love of my life and my sister and had fun. Something as simple as this is quite helpful and luckily my hip gave me no problems from jogging.

When feeling anxious or unsure of my mental state exercise almost always helps, although at times I just hide in my meditation room and veg out while listening to music, mainly still Jason Mraz. I did have to resort to some breathing exercises and grounding techniques recently though because of the stress and it helped in a pinch to come back to what was real.

Update on this site

So I am already making changes to this site. More work tomorrow if I am up to it. Other than therapy and speaking to a dear friend (who I have managed to have for ten years now) about some of the recent stress, I have no plans. Will work more on this site which is now called Noshameinschizophrenia. Not going to describe the changes but let’s see if anyone notices them. I have a vision (not a hallucination haha) for this blog to be more focused on the daily struggle of being mentally ill for lack of better words.

So join me on this journey of the mind. I am enjoying blogging again so stay tuned for more as I can because guess what, it helps me to stay sane by sharing my personal recovery from schizophrenia. And even though I often do apologize even when most people say I don’t owe an apology, I will write here that I’m not sorry for any of it but some people need to hear it so I say it.

There is no shame in having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder!

There is no shame in having Schizophrenia…

My judgement has been off lately in many of my affairs…

What people don’t realize because I am making sense (lucid) even when psychotic unless I am crawled up in a ball and avoiding the world, is that much of the time I suffer greatly with this dastard disorder…

I hurt people, confuse them at times and act downright like a stalker at other times when the obsessions hit…

Which lately has been often.

I wish things could be different but what I wish to express tonight that there is no shame in having this disorder, it may cause us to be different but it also makes us vulnerable to everything other people say to us or about us.

It does not make us violent in most cases of people who have this disorder…

There is no shame in having this disorder and the people who lead us on, or act in hurtful judgmental ways well the shame is on them not us.

We are often misunderstood when we are not at our best.

We are brave to keep going and face what new drama arises in our minds each new day with our only hope in God/the Universe or whatever one believes or doesn’t believe in.

We will all know the truth when we die and tonight even though I have been through the ringer once again, losing yet another friendship, I am not even passively suicidal. Just a little bit mad at the universe for the way this friendship had to come to an end affecting not only me with the disorder, but a kind gentleman and another person who I have been helping with the steps of a 12 step program. I had to prioritize my mental health and let go of our sponsor/sponsee relationship. I am not fit to be a sponsor I have decided because of my mental state and lack of good judgment at times at how much to share and how much to hold back.

May science one day provide more help for those like me who suffer so greatly.

Shameless still though and still looking up but with trepidation.

Michelle

Upcoming March 2022 news…

After much reflection upon the happenings of 2021/2022 I feel led to revamp this site.

Be ready for some major and minor changes in content, appearance, addition of guest bloggers tab, and more.

I’m down sick for the night, but not down in spirit anymore.

The Universe rhythm has answered my prayers and I am no longer suffering of the mind.

It is amazing how resilient the mind is seriously.

One minute in despair and then comes the understanding… through the rhythm of the Universe I am at peace with all in my life.

Some of it is still uncomfortable but God has led me to believe that He/She/It has their hand in all of it!

Amen, So be it.

So get ready blogging world for when God wants something it will not be denied.

My main focus for starters will be how to advocate for your mental wellness especially when one is in a fragile state. I had to do this recently and after many exchanges with my psychiatrist who I have been with since my diagnosis in 2008, has finally heeded my pleas to change my meds. I will be starting Invega 6mg Monday as I taper off of Risperdal. I have great hope for this new antipsychotic in my system for many reasons. But of course I understand it will not be the cure all, just the start.

I do have new hope and thank you to any of you who liked my previous blog, “Is it ok to be mad at God?” and to those who sent prayers and love my way. They were felt and are returned.

The way I went around getting my meds changed was a bit sneaky and manipulative but necessary and I didn’t plan it that way. I have invited one of our guest bloggers to write about advocating for ones’ mental and physical health as I suffer both to varying degrees. There’s got to be a better way than the path I took but I got the results I desired and is it possible that the medicine I will be starting actually is the only FDA approved medicine for Schizoaffective Disorder? And that it came out in 2006, the year I received the gift of schizophrenia, finetuned to schizoaffective disorder in the same year?

I see these happenings a lot. New businesses opening the year I need them and closing down once I don’t need them anymore or at least no longer being relevant in my humble yet mad existence?

I also want to focus on affirmations in my blogging and plan an affirmation each day or week as I am able to muster.

Today I want all of you with a mental disorder to say right now out loud or in your mind this affirmation~

I am brave. I am brave. I am brave.

Brave because we haven’t given up

Brave because we haven’t lost hope ( because if you are still with me on my ramblings you have much hope even if it doesn’t feel like it some days or even most days)

and brave because you and I are uniquely special, loved, and meant for something greater than now in this life. Also though must be grateful for this very moment where we are right now, right where our feet are.

So be happy dear reader. Be happy in your braveness to face whatever next obstacle, problem or gift you receive from the Universe because some situations are there to teach us to love ourselves fully.

Never forget that we are brave for having made it thus far….never forget that please.

In service, peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Is it ok to be mad at God?

This is where I’m at this week

I have some anger at God but right now at peace balancing the whole thing

Any feedback is appreciated 🙏😊🌹

My life has not been an easy one and I did sign up for some of it but didn’t mean all of this

It seems sometimes that God is playing tricks with my mind and emotions

I did pray to be able to suffer for God back in 2005 under the direction of my spiritual advisor

He said to always keep my eyes on Him, God that is. And not to put my faith in others and I’m trying but my mental and physical health are precarious now and last few months…

I’m heading to the urgent care right now to deal with an infection in my tooth.

Thanks for any prayers you all can spare

I’m tired of hurting people and the other night I called the Suicide hot line because I felt strongly I would be better off dead than continue to lose friends and the confusion in my mind and emotions. learned it was just a coping mechanism rather than dangerous as I had no plans to harm myself but just so exhausted of mental health problems

I’m grateful for much right now though, namely that I have one friend to process things with, a new promising therapist and all my family, also my husband and our strong marriage.

Thanks for reading. I say a prayer for all of you now, blessings to you all as we navigate many difficulties in life right now

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

I won’t give up…

The Universe is at work and play still in my strange existence upon this earth 🌍

But I have learned that I am brave to not give up ever despite all the hardships I have faced recently and through the years.

I keep looking up for answers because that is all I can do. Be brave with me and always remember that crying is not a sign of weakness but rather that we are brave!

If you are reading this know you are loved by the One who made you in your inquisite wonderfulness. Forget all the diagnostic crap for just a second and feel the love. From me those around you and for the Creator of all that is good for us in this life and the next! Trust the process and you will do well now and ever!

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

Home Upgrades for Better Health and Wellness~guest article

Thank you June Duncan for another great article! Keep them coming! Please enjoy this beautiful encouraging writing piece with active links for more great content. Feel free to comment how you like it or how you have better health and wellness…

Home Upgrades for Better Health and Wellness

The pandemic has shown everyone that health is vital for living the best life you possibly can. It’s also given many people time to reflect on changes they need to make to their homes. As you decide on upgrades, the Mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia blog invites you to keep health and wellness in mind.  

Incorporate Nature Inside

Especially if you’re spending more time indoors due to the pandemic, add live houseplants to your indoor space to improve your mood. Specifically, potted plants may reduce stress by promoting calm through sight and scent

Plus, houseplants act as live air filters and can remove up to 89% of volatile organic compounds from the air. These compounds come from paint, cleaners, and similar products. You can even decrease dust particles in the air by having plants.  

Install Another Window 

Natural light increases your intake of vitamin D — an essential nutrient for strong bones and teeth. Additionally, when you have more sunlight entering your home during the colder months, you can help ward off seasonal depression. 

If you have a room that gets little natural light, especially if it’s a room you spend a great deal of time in, consider adding another window, if possible. 

You may be able to complete this project on your own, provided you’re familiar with the structure of your home and where load-bearing walls are. However, you need to hire someone if you’re unfamiliar with home improvement. This process is extensive, and cutting through a wire or a water pipe can result in expensive emergency repairs. 

Know the Importance of Outdoor Upgrades 

To optimize your health, spend at least 120 minutes outside each week. Being outside has the potential to improve your mental health. It also helps you achieve your daily recommended amount of vitamin D. 

You can increase how long you’re outside by creating an ideal outdoor space for you. For instance, consider fertilizing your yard. Discover a local contractor for the project by searching online and comparing contractors based on online reviews. Additionally, get quotes for the project to help you decide. 

If money is a factor, search for companies running specials or offering credits. 

Consider Boosting Home Value and Health Simultaneously

As you choose upgrades, think about performing home upgrades that improve your house’s value and the health of those who live in the space. For example, kitchen upgrades allow people to cook healthy meals each day, and they’re one of the remodels that increase home value

Convert Your Basement Into a Healthy Living Space 

Think about turning part of your basement into a healthy living space, such as a home gym, yoga room, or meditation space. As you decide, consider which one your family would use the most because just building it doesn’t mean they’ll use it. 

While a basement renovation could be a DIY project, it can be timely and stressful, as you’ll likely need to dig out the floor and install subfloor insulation to reduce the risk of mold. Make the process easier for you by hiring someone to finish the remodel. 

A Healthier Environment Can Mean a Healthier You

By improving your home both inside and out, you can make your house a healthier place. Some projects are DIY, but you may want to consider hiring help for others. 

Image via Pexels

Another guest article coming soon on Home Upgrades For Better Health and wellness…

Wow! Super excited for this next guest article I will be posting either later tonight or tomorrow if all goes as planned.

I am in an awesome headspace, just finished my 8th step in my recovery from addiction and have started on the 9th step already. For those not familiar with 12 step programs, the 8th step is making a list of people we had harmed in our using and becoming willing to make amends to them all and the 9th step is making amends. It was very intense and my brain is tired but happy tonight.

My Higher Power has been at work and play and will write more soon but alas the dishes await so I will blog when I have more time.

peace, love and light to you all:)

Victoria