“there’s no shame in being disabled” tonight I know that at times I do act like that.
I am starting a new medicine tonight, and I am a little bit frightened but excited too. I chose to make the switch at the suggestion from my new therapist, who I see tomorrow, luckily. I will be tapering off of the other antipsychotic for a week which helps me sleep, but lately my sleep has not been good anyway due to much drama in my life. Some of it real and some of it in my mind. But I did warn my husband (the love of my life) and adult daughter that if I start acting weird to let me know. This is quite humorous really because I know I am a different sort of person all the time and almost always have been. They both laughed though and I’m smiling as I type this because I love a new adventure even of the mind.
Last night I was in shock for several hours after receiving an email from my exmentor/exfriend that he felt I was stalking him. When I get confused with my disorder because of mixed signals I send messages and I will tell you that they were relentless. I apologized but also made a list of why I acted the way I did. My therapist validated last week that he had crossed boundaries early on which led to my overreaction of how I felt about him. But to be called a slanderer, stalkerliike??? What the hell.
I want to send the list of facts to him but may just let it go. Again going to check in with my therapist if I need to actually send it and take the chance once again of being accused of stalking him? The email hurt and I was sucked up again by thoughts of how much I hurt people at times. But then again, God gave me a strong warning to not talk to this person before all the emails, which if I had just listened to God would have been fine. But my ex-whatever couldn’t just let it go and so I feel he got what he deserved shameless to say. I do pray for him and his work helping others but really God? another lost friendship of what was once a very strong bond and this exmentor/exfriend helped me get off of weed so there is good in that but still very hard night last night.
It is often hard to let go. Let go of obsessions of the mind, which may change on a dime from a song, kind word or act, or ????. We really can’t judge people good or bad. But I have been in my first and only marriage for 30 years though so happy that I do have some stability in my life and my children adore me, all 4 of them, but there has been some rough times too. Yet my immediate family I treasure, especially my granddaughter who is 4 months now and loves us, her gramma and grampa unconditionally. She is the joy of our life these days and my gift from heaven after my dad passed 5 months ago.
Today I felt the anxiety coming on of a certain situation with I can’t remember what exactly but I decided to jog around the house for fifteen minutes. It helped and then I went to dinner with the love of my life and my sister and had fun. Something as simple as this is quite helpful and luckily my hip gave me no problems from jogging.
When feeling anxious or unsure of my mental state exercise almost always helps, although at times I just hide in my meditation room and veg out while listening to music, mainly still Jason Mraz. I did have to resort to some breathing exercises and grounding techniques recently though because of the stress and it helped in a pinch to come back to what was real.
Update on this site
So I am already making changes to this site. More work tomorrow if I am up to it. Other than therapy and speaking to a dear friend (who I have managed to have for ten years now) about some of the recent stress, I have no plans. Will work more on this site which is now called Noshameinschizophrenia. Not going to describe the changes but let’s see if anyone notices them. I have a vision (not a hallucination haha) for this blog to be more focused on the daily struggle of being mentally ill for lack of better words.
So join me on this journey of the mind. I am enjoying blogging again so stay tuned for more as I can because guess what, it helps me to stay sane by sharing my personal recovery from schizophrenia. And even though I often do apologize even when most people say I don’t owe an apology, I will write here that I’m not sorry for any of it but some people need to hear it so I say it.
There is no shame in having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder!