Still looking up but down in spirit today…

I have apologized again, for what I am not sure, for my disorder is so often at play. Basically, I don’t trust myself anymore and am having a hard time trusting God too.

This is what I know:

I am sober and clean since 2021, July 14th but have been in recovery for many years of on an off again sobriety.

I have a Higher Power that is greater than me but I don’t understand why I am sometimes tricked into doing things that hurt others, and me too.

I have no desire to return to drugs or alcohol to deal with these feelings bordering on despair

Worship music sometimes helps, but not always

I have a mental disorder and will need medication the rest of my life

I am married to the love of my life 30 years now and we became grandparents last October!

I love my family and select friends.

Blogging helps me to stay sane so today this is an effort to stay sane by sharing the things that I know are real.

The rest can all go in the mystery column and there it shall stay. I have forgotten things luckily and hope to forget my recent situation that caused so much pain in my life, my husband’s and others.

My prayer is to be in God’s will by taking the next right step into the direction of recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder with a new med and therapy, and also in my recovery from weed and alcohol addiction. I signed up for classes in both areas and will keep going. Glad I am not suicidal today because that is the worst coping skill, to feel as if I am better off dead than to cause more pain in those I love.

I am still looking up and taking each day as it comes! God knows everything and allows me to mistrust Him right now.

I need tangible evidence I am doing the right thing for me. No decisions to be made today but no more number coincidences, orbs, messages, or the supernatural way of life do I seek. I do not need proof of God, I just need God to help me now. He is awesome and our ways are not His ways. That much I know…

peace love light and joy as I rest in the tangible, which God is, because He has touched down so many times in my life.

I do feel better writing this afterwards. It is a heartfelt prayer and will surely be honored. Off I go to work on the roses, such as is life for there is no beauty without the thorns, and our lives which are all so important to God is filled with thorns and roses… I will garden with this analogy in mind and earn another sober and sane day. That is what I desire and nothing more.

Godspeed

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