Article on my experience with suicidal ideation;

As I finished this late tonight and submit it to online magazine Edge of Humanity, I’m at a quiet inn in California with my dog; I am blessed with much peace and serenity despite much drama of my mind in between the quiet moments seeking a solution to a certain situation which has caused me much angst recent months. Feel free to comment and use search feature beneath article for more of my blogs, ramblings and everything in between since starting this blog in 2013.

Peace be with you all:) V

The Ocean calls to me often~

Not always in a suicidal way like times in past, no it calls to me with its beauty and power and vastness…

As I attempt to transcend my experience, may yours become one of acceptance, too.

I have been suicidal much in my life; from my teenage years with a death wish to my time when I was first psychotic, and times in between, until recently.  Thinking I would be better off dead was a much easier way to survive in my mad and unusual existence on the planet earth.

What is it that causes so much angst and wishes to be done with this life?  Death seems the better option than to live in agony, caused by me, circumstances and even my loved ones.  But then I think, and this is the only thing that has truly prevented me, how much more grief I would cause the people in my life if I were to kill myself.  Yet, if others in my life knew the suffering I often feel and have felt since 8th grade (52 now), I think they would be glad for me to be at peace and no longer a part of this world. 

I don’t feel this way right now gladly for being suicidal is a sad state to be in; dying seems better at the time than living.  And the pain does not cease until some sort of intervention occurs to help me want to try to live again.  Hospitalizations, medicine and intense therapy along with deep introspection are all my elixirs leading to not only survival but also a very rich happiness to be alive. 

Many failures in this life lead me down the familiar road of wanting to die. 

But people, good people have come to my aid, again and again and so I continue to breathe life into these words to anyone considering it.  It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem I have been told; it is a coping skill, I learned of recent months.  It is not the answer for me but it has been the answer for so many that I choose to dwell on this idea, this right, this choice to die at my own hands.

Can’t I get a new life?  I often wonder, which is unrealistic, naturally, so I run anywhere else instead, hoping to get new perspective on my existence.  I have stopped running now for I feel safe, safe in my marriage of 30 years and safe in my state of life- being on disability because of my schizoaffective disorder, and unable to work outside the home, despite having a Master’s degree earned post-diagnosis.  But watching and helping others in my life succeed in the workplace is hard at times.

I choose instead to find purpose in my writing.  Not to give hope to others for hope is overrated when one is suicidal, but to learn acceptance with the cards that have been dealt and make the best of it.  For the gifts we possess might just be hidden from us, or unrealized, un-profited for some.

I went to the ocean today and this time was at peace and appreciated its beauty, power and vastness and I chose life over death, consciously.   

#humancondition #suicidal #beautypowervastnessofocean #suicide #suicidalideation #acceptance

Beautiful day and evening last night…

This is me today. Just a trickle of water at a water fall an hour away! Took the drive by myself so I could come and go as I wish from husband’s Vw car show! 303 Volkswagens from as far as Washington to here in California! With a tribute to last year’s winner of oldest driver of a Vw being 92 who passed away this last year ❤️. Families with dogs and kids abounded with glee at all the different types of Volkswagens present.

But me not impressed with cars hiked upwards to the falls. It got colder as I moved my legs and snapped this photo to remember the exhilarating feeling of success. I said hello to several fellow hikers and made friends with one dog. It was a good day with 3 miles in total.

I’m tired tonight.

Yesterday was recovery from the previous days of angst . I’m telling my story backwards though so bear with me as I start at the beginning.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He was out with his best friend and I had the house to myself all night. It was glorious!

I attended two recovery meetings and was of service on accident lol and shared at both meetings. It was good and I’m grateful once again for my sobriety!

After I journaled, took a lovely bath and did short yoga 🧘‍♀️ stretching. Then I stayed up late researching the internet for a situation that baffles me. It helped especially since it had to do with psychology and love. Didn’t find the answer but ruled out quite a bit of confusion in my mind.

Woke up early today and was at peace. Found a new obsession of an app called Blinkist that gives snippets of books and the main ideas of much information I am interested in. Listened to 5 summaries and read 3.

Then I headed out for my adventure. I don’t have any close friends so I decided to call it my solo adventure. It was grand! I like me and enjoyed my own company very much. I stopped when and where I wanted to and listened to my music and thought a lot about the past month and a half.

Progress not perfection as we say it in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I will sleep well tonight, that is after editing my writing ✍️ piece on suicidal thinking. It’s called “The ocean calls to me often “ and if all goes well I will be posting it tomorrow.

It is sad with dare I call it hope but the truth of my mad existence.

So stay tuned and wishing all my readers some peaceful days amongst the hard ones!

The peace didn’t last…

Well I had two days of peace so there’s that.

Tonight I am fighting for my sanity and fear I am at a loss.

Started in the morning. Shared on a public forum I have schizophrenia. Big mistake. I shared a piece of my experience with a trusted friend who has helped me in so many ways. Who knows what they think of me now. Doesn’t really matter except to me.

I don’t like people I know personally to know how much I suffer with this disorder.

It’s not shame but rather that they may pity me which is the last thing I ever want. I want to pretend that all is well. But it is not, peace may come at times but this disorder is a bastard. My mind is my worst enemy and other times my best friend.

I always find the darkest place to go.

Yesterday I was of relief and tonight the chickens in my mind are tearing each other apart which is why I have music on pretty much all day. Tonight it isn’t even working.

There was much good in today though. Last night I wrote an article for my new platform and got feedback from a trusted friend and the feedback was insightful and positive. The part that I feared wasn’t going to be well received was their favorite part. This gives me hope to finish it tonight although it is late.

Off I go and this article I will be sharing on here as well. It is on what it is like to be suicidal and I only wrote it to help loved ones to understand a little bit about it in my own experience. So follow me if interested.

Peace ✌️

Victoria

Enjoying peace tonight…

New music is in my ears past week and I think it is helping me to be in a better place.

I was listening to the same music for the past few years and it is nice to be obsessed with a new band~Brandi Carlile and the twins. Her concerts and interviews are mesmerizing. See my favorite concert of hers down at bottom. The first song is especially meaningful to me.

I am not a political following person; I don’t watch the news nor tv. But today I read a recent writing of a speech of Zulinsky the president of the Ukraine. I am proud of him and his words of hope for the Ukranian people as they fend off their attackers. That is all I will say about that as I continue to pray for peace in the world.

In regards to my personal life of which I share a lot on here that is cryptic and unusual because of who I am, not just my disorder, I am at peace mostly with the arrangement of my life. It is different than most and I am not ashamed of who I am anymore. I am a strong woman with lots of people in my life who admire me and love me and for this I am very blessed indeed.

I take the hard way often because when I see an underdog losing, I give them help in any way I can. I don’t just sit back and pray for the world and my family. I am a helper in the ways I can be and am very proud of my giving to my children, husband and granddaughter mostly but also my mom and others who are important to me and my survival on this planet in this universe.

Life is quiet lately and I will take the peace as it comes…

I am no longer tormented by my thoughts just a bit uncomfortable at times but not the angst I went through in recent months. Acceptance of who I am is the main reason for this. I accept my feelings now and my fate. I believe my writing is important but not sure why, I don’t ask anymore, just write as I feel led and tonight going to work some on a new project that is yet unknown to me. Everything inspires me lately and get the creative juices flowing once again. My house is clean, the houseplants are watered and I have 2 hours for a new writing project.

My emotions are balanced with love, joy, sadness over the state of the world and understanding of the human condition as it is. While there is much evil in the world, I do not let it enter my life; no, I seek protection at many levels and feel like I have the right formula at last.

It is not that things are going my way all the time. I have many medical problems but I don’t worry just go see doctors and specialists and feel thankful when I have energy to do much like today. Yesterday was a different day but mentally good so any minor annoyance or new expensive procedure coming up in April is just that, something to deal with one step, one antibiotic, one phone call or ten. Not worrying about things is freeing. I trust the rhythm of the Universe these days. And I have found that the more I give the more I receive so I keep on giving and will not stop until I die.

Wishing you all well and thank you for reading through my past blogs when life was not this quiet for my life has been a lot of drama these past years as my faithful followers have read as I can share my life with the world. The many lessons that I have learned having this disorder have been many and I don’t let it define me when it acts up; nor do I ignore it when it is at bay like right now; I respect it just like my many addictions. I don’t stop my meds for I know they help me and therapy is good too now that I have a therapist I trust. Hope you all have that too, good professionals in your life who care and guide you into the right cocktail of meds as more is revealed about your disorder. For no two cases of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder are ever alike.

Feel free to write me anytime at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with comments, questions, or topics to write about on here. I answer every email but now have learned to check my trash mail as sometimes it gets sent there I have discovered sadly. Please feel free to use the search feature below to peruse my past blogging dating back to 2013, the year I began this blog.

Here’s that concert as promised of Brandi Carlile! Enjoy:)

peace

V

Disorder at bay…

My mind and spirit are stronger than ever before but physically that is another story for another day…

I met with my therapist today and it was perfect. It was better than good to meet with this psychologist again after a two week break due to his injury. I shared my deepest darkest secret today and it was safe with him. So I am relieved today that he was able to hold my space in non judgment. Quite the drama really but at peace ☮️ to share it.

I’m back on my old regimen of meds and doing very well. I’m there for my 4 children and husband and my newest love my granddaughter. She adores me! 5 months old now and 6 months since my dad passed away but is still a huge part of my life…

My next appointment of therapy I am going to read my eulogy I gave at my dads funeral. I am still grieving his physical presence but I can feel him with me In spirit. Every time an airplane flies overhead; every time I eat an ice cube, I think of him which is often because I live under the airport path and I eat ice all day. And his song to me that I rarely hear anymore by Izzy had me in tears 😭 this morning. He is the best dad ever I always told him the last 30 years of his life.

He warned me when we got close again after some time apart during my teenage years that he would die soon and I would get mad at him for saying that because he knew till the end how much I love him. He lived another 30 years.

I guess tonight’s blog is about how we never know when we will be called home so hug or call your mom and dad if they are still alive. Don’t wait till they are gone to miss them…

My husband’s cousin dropped dead Saturday at the age of 41 with a wife and two small children. So death is on my mind as I process this. I feel I have only lived half my life so far and I’m 52 and a half.

I do have good news though! I was published on that new platform writing about my time in New York. Felt good to write it and be accepted. It is an online magazine called Edge of Humanity. Isn’t that an incredible name? I will write more for them but the sadness of the war and my physical health is preventing me currently.

I have time though and while I recuperate I think of my many blessings of family and friends I have known, the material blessings I have gotten used to although I lead a very minimalist life. I have no needs except my ice coffee and cream and one last vice, not drugs anymore, but helps me to cope with my days. Quiet day today…

Maui in April I have to look forward to. Wishing you all aloha❤️

Much to ponder tonight about the war in the Ukraine…

How can we enjoy our privileged lives here in the USA when there is so much suffering going on in the Ukraine? I had the honor today to give a little bit of money directly to a Ukrainian family. They wished me to write a little bit of what motivated me and they wish to write me a letter back. I am so touched and moved by being able to help someone in the Ukraine.

Very far from where I was at back in NYC in 1989. I was homeless and received many gifts of food and money, but I wasn’t in a *(&^%$%^&*& war. Yes a dear friend died but there are so many dying innocently in the Ukraine. I was going to write the letter tomorrow, but then I thought the terrible but sad truth, they may not have a tomorrow. So I sent it right before blogging.

If anyone on here wants to send a message of love or a donation to help this family and perhaps others in the Ukraine please do send me an email at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com 100% of your donation will go directly to this family in need. If you don’t have funds a kind word will do. I don’t think they know that many in the world are praying for them and for an end to the war.

Godspeed

Victoria

Which came first? Guest blogger gracefuladdict shares her story…

My name is Danielle and I am an addict in recovery. I will have 12 years clean on 5/23/2022, by the grace of god.

My kind friend Victoria asked me to write a piece on addiction and mental health issues for her blog. I can only share from my own personal experience and then hope that it brings about a greater understanding for others.

My truth is that I did not know I suffered from any mental health issues until AFTER I put all of the drugs and booze down. Even though I became a bit suicidal while I was in active addiction…I still did not really know what I was suffering from.

For me the knowledge came when I was in the rehab that saved my life. My mom, my sister n law and myself all met with the counselors at the facility to discuss my treatment plans.

At that meeting they discussed my diagnosis : Post Traumatic Stress, Anxiety, and severe Depression.

The events that led up to me landing in the rehab were some major life altering and traumatic ones.

The sudden death of my sons grandmother, the divorce of my husband and I and the death of our new kitten “Kissy” all happened within a 6 month time span.

I just thought I liked to drink and use drugs. The rehab staff were kindly pointing out that I had basically been through a war and it was time to learn how to live without all of the suffering.

So which came first? Well I know that I always liked to use substances to cover up any bad feelings and tried to enhance the good ones. I think they call that Substance Abuse Disorder these days. I have had that since my first sip of champagne at a wedding when I was 8 years old.

I think for me the other things came about as life does and I only had one coping mechanism and that was to use drugs and drink.

Today, I have been so blessed to learn how to not use anything except my higher power and others in recovery when I feel those uncomfortable emotions.

That’s the thing isn’t it. Learning to be ok with self, no matter what. Unconditionally loving myself even if I am feeling unkind or in a mood.

The disease of addiction is physical, mental and spiritual. Learning to take care of all three is a process and can be quite difficult.

However, it is the best thing that I have ever done for myself and my child.

Published by gracefuladdict

Thank you Danielle! For more daily inspiration visit her blog at: https://thedailyaddictcom.wordpress.com/

More excitement in the air tonight and upcoming first guest blogger very soon…

I did it! I was able to write and submit my first article for the new platform I have learned about through my blog! It’s exhilarating to be writing again and with passion to tell interesting dark stories of a time in my life when I was living with a death wish but someone else died instead of me and brought me back to my senses.

Life is in progress readers. It takes no breaks and often doesn’t make sense to anyone. So how can we live in an ever changing world?

We can start in our own little section and be the best we know how. If our parents were messed up we can learn from teachers who did their best to never let us down. And we can pass on to others a good example the best we can. Mistakes are a part of everyone’s lives; so learn from them and try not to repeat the same ones.

I’ve been actually talking to my neighbors a bit and it feels safe again. After what we all just went through I was isolating from everyone except my family and it was hard. But now I am not getting involved but just being friendly.

There’s the neighbor across the street who walk his German Shepard with a stick who is now friendly with me but from across the street because our dogs don’t get along. And many more I could go on about. People are fascinating I think. But I don’t get too close to anyone for various reasons as I have blogged about before.

It is not to be for me anyway.

And it gives me more time to write ✍️ lol

On to my guest blogger article coming soon right here. I’m having some technical issues with WordPress and my laptop so as soon as I get it worked out I will share a blog about mental health and addiction.

It is titled What came first? By my new friend gracefuladdict. Check out her daily blogs of interesting content in the meantime here on WordPress. In recovery we just can’t have too many friends I think 🤔

I will leave you all tonight with my favorite quote “be the change you wish to see in the world “ I’m trying

Peace

Pondering much tonight…

As I finally began my writing work I find it hard now to tell my stories. I am writing two; one of a very dark time in my life and another about the symbolism of the lotus flower. I need both to balance the writing I am doing.

It is good to be working again with no deadlines to pressure me. I have also been thinking about returning to theater 🎭. That was a very fun time in my life. I watched west side story last night and have been dancing around the house today to the soundtrack for la la land.

I know my life is changing before my very eyes. What is most stable though is my marriage which I am so grateful for! We watched the best part of Liar Liar and laughter arose as we watched the irreverence of Jim Carey 😂

Then we both parted our ways him heading out late to his weekly Friday bbq with his Volks buddies and me to spend a quiet night to do with as I wish. He does bring me ribs and steak throughout the night as he did now.

In fact more along the marriage thread, the other night as we lay in bed and had been talking quite a bit about many topics of which I had been asking him my deepest questions feeling safe in his strength in answering of them. He was falling asleep and I asked him if I could ask him one last question 🙋‍♀️. He said yes and I asked him “what is the meaning of life “ he got mad for a second then realized I was messing with him.

Ah marriage to the right man can be so satisfying. Then I went to sleep in the meditation room because he snores and tosses and turns all night! We’ve been sleeping separately for years and are quite content. But we spend almost every night lying down together close to his bedtime. I stay up much later because that is when I come alive.

Off to work on my writing some more hoping it will flow this time…

Question of the day to be or not to be answered but I ask it anyway because I’m curious. How do you all find a balance in life? amongst work, play, rest and for most of us recovery from anything really.

Best

V

“Optimism is a perfectly legitimate response to failure “

This quote by Stephen king speaks perfectly to me today!

I have many failures in my mad existence but this blog I started nervously in 2013 is not one of them…

It is a success at many levels and I thank my followers and readers from around the world for being a part of my journey through healing .

Last night I wrote being excited about the many possibilities before me with no clear direction. This morning my wishes were granted with my decision to start writing for a new platform. I can write about my life and observations of other’s lives.

This answer was the direct result of my blogging last night. I manifested it because I need purpose to carry on. Not a job but to be able to write passionately about the dark, the light and much in between.

I have already begun today despite putting on a successful St. Patrick’s Day family dinner for 8. It was perfect. I got to spend time with my granddaughter, children, husband and my sister ❤️😊

What is your passion?