I cannot fight providence, God’s perfect plan…

As much as I would like to start working, it is not to be…

It is true I am doing better than ever, but something always prevents me from working.

I made an announcement recently that I was going to start life coaching and was very excited about it. But that same day, unbeknownst to me, my mom had extreme dental pain, that required an emergency visit to her dentist a few days later. The day I was planning to start to work, I was called urgently away to help my mom. This is my life… so I promised God I would not work outside the home and when we got to the dentist, the pain was gone, and x-rays revealed that everything was normal. Coincidence with my prayer?

The old me, the delusional one, would have taken this very seriously as an admonishment from God because every time I try to work something bad happens to me or my loved ones. I cannot fight it. I am not delusional, just in God’s will, I feel.

Yet, a part of me feels really bad for being on disability and receiving aide from the government, which I get a thousand a month, when I feel so well to work again. In the past when I did manage to work, there are all sorts of stories about my attempts to work. I’ll entertain you all for a moment~

There was the time that I worked at Macy’s for one day but set off an alarm when I went out the wrong door. The alarm went off for 20 long heart wrenching minutes. Luckily, the store was closed at the time, but it stressed me out so much that I never went back.

Another time (2012) I was working on a crisis team doing emergency services as a therapist intern. The voices that I thought was God, told me to tell my coworker that I had Schizophrenia, so I did, even though I knew it wasn’t a good idea. And to top it off I even told her that God had told me to tell her! She was very concerned naturally and told my boss who ousted me soon after confronting me with my odd behavior, which even though it was true, was not her place to confront me.

She watched for me to make a mistake and when I did, she threatened to make me work in the field without back up. I reported her actions to the headquarters after going on temporary disability because of the stress she caused. They investigated my claims and called me to let me know that they weren’t going to fire her, so I left pushed out of my job because of my Schizophrenia. Stigma at its finest. I was good at my job.

And lastly I will share the most recent attempt in 2017. I was teaching a sociology 101 course as an adjunct professor at our local community college, which was my favorite job in my life. I was great at that one. All the students loved me and gave me the most beautiful emails to say how much they leaned from me after I quit because of one student who was a thorn in my side from day one. He was older and taking the class for fun and didn’t interact well with me or the other mostly younger students.

He complained to my boss about me early on, which did no damage. When he wrote in one paper about how killing in war was fun, I was alarmed but just watched and tried not to let the stress get to me. Towards the end of the semester, he got into a verbal altercation with another struggling student who asked him a question when I went to use the bathroom. It was a heated fight on both parties, and the other students let me know after class.

I went straight to the police with his paper and several derogatory emails he had sent me. They investigated and said I had done the right thing but didn’t find any weapons at his home or other evidence to charge him. The college banned both students from one class and then allowed them both to return to class.

I knew I could not be in class with him after reporting him to the police. I emailed the head of the college that I was resigning because of him being a possible threat to me. It did no good. I helped the new professor to take over the class, but was very sad. Then to top it off, the week of what would have been finals, I was rushed to the hospital to have my gallbladder out and then the following week had to have another surgery for stones in a duct.

All very painful, but got through it all. Later, my adult daughter pointed out the fact that there was no way I could have even worked at that job because of my health problems.

Do you see, dear reader, if you are still with me, why I am scared to work again as is my husband and daughter?

I’ll wrap this up. I am slowly weaning off my psych meds successfully. I feel that soon I will not need my psychiatrist anymore. So when they redo my disability, I will not have him to check that box that says I am disabled. Without being under a psychiatrist’s care I will not qualify.

By that time I will be receiving a rather large inheritance, of which I plan to give it to my husband and children.

Final thought~ I still have schizophrenia, it is just in remission on my herbal supplements. I am doing great but who knows what might happen if I work and something stressful happens. I got stressed out on Sunday when my mom came to my son’s home for Father’s Day and almost choked to death right in front of me. My daughter in law saved her life with the Heimlich maneuver. Very stressful day. My mom, my children and husband need me right now. So I will not be working even though we really could use the money.

Thanks for reading thus far. Tis’ my life to not have a paying job, but to write, blog and keep up my home and gardens and help others.

I feel like I just went to confession haha. Any comments are always welcome:)

Pax

Victoria

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