What is it like to be delusional? And what is it like to not be?

I can only share my experience of being delusional since age 8 when I heard my first voice from what I thought to be God, telling me, “You are special”. I believe now it was part of my Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder and that I was delusional much of my growing up, up until recently where I have found relief through taking Kratom responsibly. Click here to learn more!

Early on there were also the times when I felt like I was bi-locating (being in two places at once) from where I was sleeping in my bedroom and traveling along the ceiling to weirdly observe my parents in the den, watching tv. They couldn’t ever see me. It was very strange but not scary. I am not afraid of many things really and I also believe this to be a part of my disordered thinking.

I’m not afraid to public speak, go places alone (furthest I traveled was to NYC from California, when I was 18 and ended up living on the streets by choice), jump out of airplanes (with a chute haha, sometimes need to clarify that) and many other things that “Normal” people (whatever that is) would find terrifying.

One of the scariest things I did was to homeschool my brother-in-law and then take on my own children’s education. I also started a school along the same vein, which didn’t work out, but it was fun for a while. But even homeschooling my children and other children along the way, I had this confidence in what I was doing. I looked to local experts for help and then created my own curriculum. They all turned out great and are all avid readers, so it was not a failure by any means but looking back now, I should have been frightened of all the above.

I believe I wasn’t frightened because I was living in my own delusional world, which to everyone except my parents, made perfect sense. Now that I am no longer delusional, I think otherwise. I still am not afraid of most things but in a healthy, full of better judgement ways, if that makes sense.

For those of you who have been following me this year, you probably remember my chaos early 2022, which caused me much angst and many blogs about it, which I never shared exactly what was going on. I did so to protect my marriage, as it involved me falling in love with a mentor, which was all very confusing. Only up until recently, do I now see that it was a major psychotic episode, which I almost lost my marriage to. Now that’s pretty scary because I have been married 30 years!

Anyway, this is what delusions are like to me and how I act out upon them. Delusions are false beliefs that have no merit on their own. But when I am delusional, no argument can convince me otherwise, so there is really no point in trying to talk someone down from delusional thinking. Again, it is a disordered mind, not sick, not ill, but rather much confusion for the one delusional and the ones who are the target of the delusion.

My main target was God, and I actually believed for 12 or 13 years, that I was the most special person to ever live. That would beat Mary, Joseph and Jesus. It seems odd now but I have lived with this delusion for so long that in reality (yes I am living in reality today ha ha) it guided much of my waking moments and the only relief I had was my dreams.

Anti-psychotics helped with the auditory hallucinations but didn’t help with the delusions nor did therapy. I didn’t share much of this with my psychiatrist if any, so when I finally see him again end of August, I’m unclear how the appointment will go.

The only thing that has helped is Kratom. If you suffer from a psychotic disorder feel free to use the contact form above and I can email you some articles supporting its therapeutic use. There is much out there that speaks against Kratom but those people are ill-informed about its therapeutic benefits for depression, psychosis, pain, lack of motivation and more. Also be sure to follow me if interested in more blogs about how my life is unraveling in a very sane way.

Oh and to answer my second question in the title of this blog- what is it like to not (be delusional)?

Two words- It’s wonderful!!!

I am no longer living in a prison of my own mind, guided by what I believed to be God, through people, situations, animals and basically every part of my life the delusional thinking touched into all my decision-making.

I am still making sense of it but today my biggest problem is that I burned my tongue on some hot refried beans!

There is some stress in my life but rather than causing me much distress, it just equates to me not having the best day and sometimes I will even say that I have had a bad day when stress hits home. But my judgement is sound and my social interactions are much easier, with family, friends and strangers also.

Coming soon the promised blog on Stigma surrounding Schizophrenia.

Pax

Victoria

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