Today was eye-opening for many reasons. I feel love differently now that I am not psychotic, not that I didn’t before, but somehow it has changed vastly since I began taking Kratom. My life is far from perfect though but for me today and tonight I feel very blessed, to be alive, to hold space for others (more on what that looks like below) and to be navigating my mental health with braveness and courage.
I saw my life coach this afternoon and although I did most of the talking with Joey (of JoeyTalks on Youtube aka the Kratom King), it was great to share how I have no problems and that is my only problem these days. Then my husband came home in a mood! We had planned a night out to dinner and I didn’t realize the extent of his mood until xy and z. I will spare the details for my husband’s sake.
It didn’t ruin my date with him though because I had discussed my solid marriage with Joey hours before and processed these types of moods my hubbie sometimes gets in. Instead of fighting with him, I held space instead, offering compassion, a listening ear and also a free analysis of why he hates his life sometimes. I would like to say that it got him in a much better mood, it did help him to talk some as did his many beers, but the evening didn’t end in a fight when quite frankly he was being pisssy as we waited at the bar for our table. This is a success in my books!
After getting home, I was out of my usual night routine so instead I ended up doing some yoga with Adrienne on her FWFG channel which I signed up for this morning for her free trial. I finally got on the mat, which is the hardest part of yoga for me and many, and followed Adrienne for some of it and improvised my own routine also because I have been experiencing terrible arthritic pain in my hands and knees and can’t do all the poses. It was exactly what I needed tonight to end the day besides this blog.
The last sequence I found myself laying down on my back and with my hands in the praying position, touched my thumbs to my forehead (or third eye if one believes in that) and we were supposed to say something kind to ourselves. The practice was about compassion with our bodies and also about how to check in with our energy. Without blinking my eyes, I said to myself right away, “You are loved”. I was a little surprised at this being my first thought and I am so happy and at peace and off to bed soon.
My whole life I have doubted to a large degree if anybody truly loved me. When I used to get suicidal, my daughter would have to remind me that I was loved by her and many people; mainly, because I would forget because of all the suffering I endured for 16 years with Schizophrenia and prior to that growing up and also when I was first married. This really sucks for those that love me.
So tonight, I offer this hope to people who are suicidal or who are loved ones of someone who is suicidal~ Remind them or yourself that “You are loved”. I have love for all you readers and hope that somehow all the work I do on here is helpful for all who visit.
Thank you for being a part of my journey in my recovery from Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder! And thank you Wordy Spirit for the recognition for all who suffer with a difficult mental health diagnosis that we are some of the bravest and courageous people in life!
Good night all!