“Everybody hurts sometimes”

This realization struck me close to home tonight. Tears, song by REM Everybody Hurts on repeat, uncomfortable feelings, sadness and pain accompany me tonight. But at the same time I also realize that all people go through sad times in their lives, especially people with serious mental health disorders like Schizophrenia. When I was suffering with Schizophrenia, I know I was in constant pain and distress, even on medication. There would be moments of reprieve but overall, I suffered terribly for 16 years during my psychotic periods, which was frequent.

I can empathize with people with this disorder, who are not yet diagnosed, who are treatment resistant, and those who are on meds like I was and still not ok. It’s weird now though to no longer suffer and to be able to deal with difficult topics and emotions. This was my day today with a few hours in between while I have been resting and quite frankly a little bored with my inactive life and still my knee pain continues…

I wrote recently that I would much rather be mentally sound over physical pain and I still feel this way. It’s also funny that today I suffered terribly because of my mom. You see, I am adopted as are my siblings all from different parents. And although we were raised by a neurotic mother (sorry dad in heaven), she is still my mom with all that I am. I had to tell her this an hour ago and I am still reeling with pain.

She is my mom, but she has also caused me so much pain throughout my life that its a wonder I am ok, which I am tonight, but my go to is to blog when I am suffering, and tonight was no different even adding some comfort food (scrambled eggs with sharp cheddar cheese cooked slowly, cinnamon toast with extra butter and orange juice on ice) and plans to seek out my life coach this week if I still need to process today’s and my whole life pain caused by my mom.

So rather than listing off my day’s emotional ups and downs, with more downs than ups, I would like to list off why I love my mom~

My father really wanted kids (my mom did not but gave in at his insistence). I’m actually stuck at trying to find good things to say about her. She did teach me how to write coherently so for that I am ever grateful for and it’s funny but I still make the same sentence structure mistakes I did 40 years ago haha:)

So I will follow her bit of advice when I was young and that I remember very well. “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it”. Thanks mom for my writing skills, for consenting to my dad to have us kids and for teaching me not to speak ill of the dead or living.

Sorry if this blog was a let down. I never know which direction this blog will go as I begin to write, but it helps me process what is going on in my mind so thank you tonight dear readers, for reading along with my personal recovery from Schizophrenia and the work of my mom, my mom, my mom!

Coming this week I have a lot of plans for blogging!

And if you are suffering tonight please know that it will hopefully pass soon. While happiness doesn’t remain, neither does suffering. I am living proof of that!

For me getting Schizophrenia full force at the age of 36 was the hardest thing to live through. I do not wish it on the most terrible person in the world. It is awful for the person suffering and all those around them. My daughter stepped up to be my main support at age 12 until last year at age 28 when I freed her from this burden. This is my main regret if I had to do things differently. I do not recommend anyone ever relying on their kids for emotional and mental support. Find a therapist if possible to lean on and get support.

I am going to schedule that appointment with my life coach right now rather than burden the only family that I know I could go to- my aunt and uncle (my dad’s twin) or any friends I have left. I will pray and trust and get to a better place. This wound which has reopened today is a familiar one, one that the scab grew thick, but the scar remains and thank God that I haven’t had to deal with this sort of difficulty for over 16 years.

Tonight I got to reassure my mom that she was my mom and no one else. And I told her i loved her, which I do. And we’ll leave it at that.

Pax

Victoria

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