Schizophrenia symptoms stopped thanks to meds but…

So all signs of psychosis have stopped in their tracks but so has my optimistic attitude, sadly.

I have been in an awesome mood for the past 4 months or so on kratom with my anti-psychotics so hoping this will too pass but I find myself back on drugs to be apathetic and irritable. Glad that I have my appointment coming up in August with my psychiatrist. If I feel unstable I can see him sooner as he always makes time for me but I am ok, just kind of down.

This past tussle with danger of becoming psychotic again, reminded me of the days I was UN-medicated. Even though I was still taking the other anti-psychotic, I was starting to unravel in a matter of days, unbeknownst to me except for the pressure in my head which led to the ER and a few other ramifications.

I am never dangerous when I get like this it is important to note. And while the drugs help immensely they also stop much of my intuition to a certain degree. Tonight they are affecting my creativity and for that I apologize for a sort of down blog tonight, but wish to share a few things I have observed.

In going off one of my psych meds, I knew the chance of a relapse was entirely possible. I took the tapering very slow and if the stress of having Covid and stress caring for my asthmatic daughter with Covid didn’t bring it on, I’m not sure how I would be without the Latuda (a newer anti-psychotic). I thought I was free from the grips of what I believed to be harmful to me, if I didn’t need it. And it may be that I don’t need the full dose, but will be making notes to discuss with my pdoc. Anyway around this week the timing was terrible to get covid the day after stopping Latuda.

I made the mistake of researching online about the effects of anti-psychotics and it wasn’t pretty. It was downright scary and I have been on them for 14 years faithfully not missing one dose. In researching their damage I was hopeful to reduce one but alas it is not to be. Although, I was experiencing some extra-pyramidal symptoms a few months ago, which was why me and my pdoc decided to test the waters, so to say, again.

The last time I tried was in 2013 and it’s amazing my ability to recognize when things are going awry and I have to let my pdoc that I do indeed still need them. I will need them for the rest of my life, to keep away psychosis and all that entails for me. This time it was an urgent need to email a company I buy from that if they didn’t refund me for a product that didn’t work out, I would give them a bad review on here. I still may but I withdrew my threat as it seemed unkind and due to my almost psychotic state. I always want to be kind.. But I’m not perfect so it doesn’t always happen but it is good to have a goal.

I am also very confused about my labeling myself with a diagnosis due to doing some reading on Quora. I don’t let it define me by any means but is it ok to say that I have Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder or that I have symptoms of such disorders? I’m not sure after reading a compelling argument that I posted here about a week ago.

I know I do like definitions though, as they help me to understand the world better so although having a diagnosis like this can be debilitating in itself it does not affect me as such. It is just a fact, a part of me that I have to deal with but beyond that it is no matter to me or my loved ones.

It is good though to get other’s opinions on heavy matters such as these but I’m done researching this part of my Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. I have it. So what. I am still me. I take medication and kratom and together I am in remission. I should be happy and I will get there again.

I am a fighter! I will not give up being the very best version of me!

Pax

Victoria

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