Article on my experience with suicidal ideation;

As I finished this late tonight and submit it to online magazine Edge of Humanity, I’m at a quiet inn in California with my dog; I am blessed with much peace and serenity despite much drama of my mind in between the quiet moments seeking a solution to a certain situation which has caused me much angst recent months. Feel free to comment and use search feature beneath article for more of my blogs, ramblings and everything in between since starting this blog in 2013.

Peace be with you all:) V

The Ocean calls to me often~

Not always in a suicidal way like times in past, no it calls to me with its beauty and power and vastness…

As I attempt to transcend my experience, may yours become one of acceptance, too.

I have been suicidal much in my life; from my teenage years with a death wish to my time when I was first psychotic, and times in between, until recently.  Thinking I would be better off dead was a much easier way to survive in my mad and unusual existence on the planet earth.

What is it that causes so much angst and wishes to be done with this life?  Death seems the better option than to live in agony, caused by me, circumstances and even my loved ones.  But then I think, and this is the only thing that has truly prevented me, how much more grief I would cause the people in my life if I were to kill myself.  Yet, if others in my life knew the suffering I often feel and have felt since 8th grade (52 now), I think they would be glad for me to be at peace and no longer a part of this world. 

I don’t feel this way right now gladly for being suicidal is a sad state to be in; dying seems better at the time than living.  And the pain does not cease until some sort of intervention occurs to help me want to try to live again.  Hospitalizations, medicine and intense therapy along with deep introspection are all my elixirs leading to not only survival but also a very rich happiness to be alive. 

Many failures in this life lead me down the familiar road of wanting to die. 

But people, good people have come to my aid, again and again and so I continue to breathe life into these words to anyone considering it.  It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem I have been told; it is a coping skill, I learned of recent months.  It is not the answer for me but it has been the answer for so many that I choose to dwell on this idea, this right, this choice to die at my own hands.

Can’t I get a new life?  I often wonder, which is unrealistic, naturally, so I run anywhere else instead, hoping to get new perspective on my existence.  I have stopped running now for I feel safe, safe in my marriage of 30 years and safe in my state of life- being on disability because of my schizoaffective disorder, and unable to work outside the home, despite having a Master’s degree earned post-diagnosis.  But watching and helping others in my life succeed in the workplace is hard at times.

I choose instead to find purpose in my writing.  Not to give hope to others for hope is overrated when one is suicidal, but to learn acceptance with the cards that have been dealt and make the best of it.  For the gifts we possess might just be hidden from us, or unrealized, un-profited for some.

I went to the ocean today and this time was at peace and appreciated its beauty, power and vastness and I chose life over death, consciously.   

#humancondition #suicidal #beautypowervastnessofocean #suicide #suicidalideation #acceptance

If the sun don’t shine on me tonight…

A poem dedicated to anyone who needs it

I accept it all

The good, the bad, the unspoken

The yearning for a different life

because this one has fallen short

I chose this path and must not admit defeat

For anything

Sobriety is right below my belief in God

and it is what I hold dear

there is nothing to fear

only that as more trials come

I may one day fall and not get back up

The hurt, the love, the wisdom gained

by each and every friendship I have been engaged

I will not try again, for this one brought too many tears

and along with it the absolute power of God above

who holds us in His hands

giving life

only He knows when it will end

So tonight I will try to sleep and not dream

of a different life, that much I know

that much I hope

That is all my friends

I bid you adieu

and ask myself, what would Jesus do?

The end and beginning of my new chapter of my life of madness…

Still looking up but down in spirit today…

I have apologized again, for what I am not sure, for my disorder is so often at play. Basically, I don’t trust myself anymore and am having a hard time trusting God too.

This is what I know:

I am sober and clean since 2021, July 14th but have been in recovery for many years of on an off again sobriety.

I have a Higher Power that is greater than me but I don’t understand why I am sometimes tricked into doing things that hurt others, and me too.

I have no desire to return to drugs or alcohol to deal with these feelings bordering on despair

Worship music sometimes helps, but not always

I have a mental disorder and will need medication the rest of my life

I am married to the love of my life 30 years now and we became grandparents last October!

I love my family and select friends.

Blogging helps me to stay sane so today this is an effort to stay sane by sharing the things that I know are real.

The rest can all go in the mystery column and there it shall stay. I have forgotten things luckily and hope to forget my recent situation that caused so much pain in my life, my husband’s and others.

My prayer is to be in God’s will by taking the next right step into the direction of recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder with a new med and therapy, and also in my recovery from weed and alcohol addiction. I signed up for classes in both areas and will keep going. Glad I am not suicidal today because that is the worst coping skill, to feel as if I am better off dead than to cause more pain in those I love.

I am still looking up and taking each day as it comes! God knows everything and allows me to mistrust Him right now.

I need tangible evidence I am doing the right thing for me. No decisions to be made today but no more number coincidences, orbs, messages, or the supernatural way of life do I seek. I do not need proof of God, I just need God to help me now. He is awesome and our ways are not His ways. That much I know…

peace love light and joy as I rest in the tangible, which God is, because He has touched down so many times in my life.

I do feel better writing this afterwards. It is a heartfelt prayer and will surely be honored. Off I go to work on the roses, such as is life for there is no beauty without the thorns, and our lives which are all so important to God is filled with thorns and roses… I will garden with this analogy in mind and earn another sober and sane day. That is what I desire and nothing more.

Godspeed

Upcoming March 2022 news…

After much reflection upon the happenings of 2021/2022 I feel led to revamp this site.

Be ready for some major and minor changes in content, appearance, addition of guest bloggers tab, and more.

I’m down sick for the night, but not down in spirit anymore.

The Universe rhythm has answered my prayers and I am no longer suffering of the mind.

It is amazing how resilient the mind is seriously.

One minute in despair and then comes the understanding… through the rhythm of the Universe I am at peace with all in my life.

Some of it is still uncomfortable but God has led me to believe that He/She/It has their hand in all of it!

Amen, So be it.

So get ready blogging world for when God wants something it will not be denied.

My main focus for starters will be how to advocate for your mental wellness especially when one is in a fragile state. I had to do this recently and after many exchanges with my psychiatrist who I have been with since my diagnosis in 2008, has finally heeded my pleas to change my meds. I will be starting Invega 6mg Monday as I taper off of Risperdal. I have great hope for this new antipsychotic in my system for many reasons. But of course I understand it will not be the cure all, just the start.

I do have new hope and thank you to any of you who liked my previous blog, “Is it ok to be mad at God?” and to those who sent prayers and love my way. They were felt and are returned.

The way I went around getting my meds changed was a bit sneaky and manipulative but necessary and I didn’t plan it that way. I have invited one of our guest bloggers to write about advocating for ones’ mental and physical health as I suffer both to varying degrees. There’s got to be a better way than the path I took but I got the results I desired and is it possible that the medicine I will be starting actually is the only FDA approved medicine for Schizoaffective Disorder? And that it came out in 2006, the year I received the gift of schizophrenia, finetuned to schizoaffective disorder in the same year?

I see these happenings a lot. New businesses opening the year I need them and closing down once I don’t need them anymore or at least no longer being relevant in my humble yet mad existence?

I also want to focus on affirmations in my blogging and plan an affirmation each day or week as I am able to muster.

Today I want all of you with a mental disorder to say right now out loud or in your mind this affirmation~

I am brave. I am brave. I am brave.

Brave because we haven’t given up

Brave because we haven’t lost hope ( because if you are still with me on my ramblings you have much hope even if it doesn’t feel like it some days or even most days)

and brave because you and I are uniquely special, loved, and meant for something greater than now in this life. Also though must be grateful for this very moment where we are right now, right where our feet are.

So be happy dear reader. Be happy in your braveness to face whatever next obstacle, problem or gift you receive from the Universe because some situations are there to teach us to love ourselves fully.

Never forget that we are brave for having made it thus far….never forget that please.

In service, peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Is it ok to be mad at God?

This is where I’m at this week

I have some anger at God but right now at peace balancing the whole thing

Any feedback is appreciated 🙏😊🌹

My life has not been an easy one and I did sign up for some of it but didn’t mean all of this

It seems sometimes that God is playing tricks with my mind and emotions

I did pray to be able to suffer for God back in 2005 under the direction of my spiritual advisor

He said to always keep my eyes on Him, God that is. And not to put my faith in others and I’m trying but my mental and physical health are precarious now and last few months…

I’m heading to the urgent care right now to deal with an infection in my tooth.

Thanks for any prayers you all can spare

I’m tired of hurting people and the other night I called the Suicide hot line because I felt strongly I would be better off dead than continue to lose friends and the confusion in my mind and emotions. learned it was just a coping mechanism rather than dangerous as I had no plans to harm myself but just so exhausted of mental health problems

I’m grateful for much right now though, namely that I have one friend to process things with, a new promising therapist and all my family, also my husband and our strong marriage.

Thanks for reading. I say a prayer for all of you now, blessings to you all as we navigate many difficulties in life right now

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

I won’t give up…

The Universe is at work and play still in my strange existence upon this earth 🌍

But I have learned that I am brave to not give up ever despite all the hardships I have faced recently and through the years.

I keep looking up for answers because that is all I can do. Be brave with me and always remember that crying is not a sign of weakness but rather that we are brave!

If you are reading this know you are loved by the One who made you in your inquisite wonderfulness. Forget all the diagnostic crap for just a second and feel the love. From me those around you and for the Creator of all that is good for us in this life and the next! Trust the process and you will do well now and ever!

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

finding the answer in the most unlikely places…

Dear readers old and new,

Tonight I am blogging about how we never know when or where our help will come from.
First allow me to backup to the start of my day and last night, I have been dealing with a very difficult situation in my family of nucleus. I won’t go into details but basically there is strife, hurt feelings, taking sides, 🖤 emotional outbursts, demands for apologizing where no apology was due, lack of response when apologizing wasn’t recognized and I hope you get it so far but lack of compassion and understanding with differing belief systems within my family.

There have also been son cutting off father and sisters on both sides of the situation. I’m in there somewhere but it doesn’t matter; all that matters is that I was perplexed today and last night and didn’t get much sleep. Searching my phone for who I could talk to. Tried many people of all walks of faith to no avail. My answer was yet to come from the most unlikely place in someone who is not spiritual.  But unlike the people of faith who I have leaned on before with good results today none of them measured up. But my secular friend did. I have prayed very hard about this situation and although it hasn’t been resolved to anybodys’ liking, I Am at peace with what to do. To let time be the healer the miracle I need. And to have compassion to all in the family. I still may not know what to do so I will do nothing.  There is no easy answer here. 
Shifting now away from the situation at hand to my belief system. After this kind friend said the words I needed to hear I kinda wish I could be secular too but alas as a bird can’t be but a bird I know today that God has touched down in my life in little and big ways. It is how I was raised and my schizophrenic mind delights in the many miracles of God. 
So I will stay my spiritual course and be happy to have secular friends to check in with when it is quiet from heaven. 
Wishing you all peace love light and joy 🥲 Victoria 

Hope for the New Year

Dear readers,

Victoria here with late night blogging clean and sober…

I have taken another break from blogging as I had suspected since last post…

There has been ups (much time with my new granddaughter and daughter in law) and downs (this continued pandemic killing and dividing families) and lots in between…

but I have hope tonight after much prayer tonight, pray, hope and don’t worry says St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina. Easier said than done. Sometimes I think I will stop praying and then my late father and God remind me to never give up in prayer. I was reminded tonight as I have given up on my brother lately for various reasons which I shall not share here.

I, myself, am doing quite well in recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder/Schizophrenia. Happy to have recovered from DID disorder this year and for my dad’s timely passing into eternal life and his funeral/memorial finally taking place last week. I ended up giving the eulogy which I was very pleased with and of which many shared that I gave a very apt description of my dad, my hero. He is ever with me in spirit though and I have photos to prove it.

Orbs, stars, and lights all celebrate the life he now enjoys with God and those who have gone before him in death to this physical life. Precious moments of grieving my loss of his physical presence on earth but excited every day to see how he will present himself to me in gentle and not so gentle reminders of his ever presence in my life and those who loved him.

Birds, bats, the moon, ice cubes, music and more all make me think of him. I don’t spend the whole day on his memories anymore as I did the first few months since his passing. Sometimes when I hold my granddaughter I can feel his presence the most and for that I am very grateful to God almighty.

My birthday is October 16th, my granddaughter’s is October 17th and my dad”s and his twin brother’s is October 18th… Is this another strange coincidence or a sign of answered prayers of mine and my dad’s before his passing? I think and hope the latter. She is so precious to me and her mom, dad and the whole family on both sides. We all get along so famously!

Now that I am living again and living clean and sober I find myself happy to be alive once again.

Recovery is possible for those with this dastard disorder. I take my meds, exercise, eat healthy, pray, asking God for guidance and my dad too. And it is working…

But I must thank those who have made it possible to be here so grateful tonight. My husband, my children especially my daughter, my select friends, Safe Haven peers especially Jordan who I miss our talks and their understanding comforting words of encouragement. I have lost friends and family this year, and gained new ones. Life is the never changing circle of life.

I might be content tonight but my life has been plagued by many problems arising from the most unlikely places. For example the awaited glorious birth of my granddaughter followed the next night by the terrible accident of my youngest son (age 22), he’s ok but suffering still. The beautiful memory of my dad’s funeral/memorial preceded by half the family either getting covid or getting exposed to it and unable to come. The passing of my dad in my hometown in Ca while we were landing in Hawaii with the gift of one week of grieving in my favorite place on earth other than my hometown in Ca.

Life is bittersweet and this year has proven it.

But grateful that I am no longer suffering with this disorder because I have found the right med cocktail, discovered helpful supplements, and given exercise a chance to improve my physical and mental state. I have put in great effort to get here and I hope to be sharing more on Sundays.

So stick around and follow me if you please. Sundays are my rest day. And Sunday just ended here so with that I will bid you all adieu and wish you love, peace, light and joy today and every day and hoping to check in more often on here my new life as a gramma, momma, wife, child of God, sister, friend and more.

Pax

Victoria

Welcome back me…

It’s been a little while since I have blogged because I have been very busy working on me, being a new gramma, and just keeping busy with some very cool stuff.

I’m doing really well this past season, very focused, very helpful and lots of me time.

Tonight picked up dinner so have a little extra time to share my thoughts on here.

I have been very touched to receive likes on many of my past posts and when I do I read my own words in the blog and am amazed how much things have changed over the last year! It’s weird but it really helps me a lot. But I have decided to get back into blogging to free my mind and share how having a very organized life can really help one with this dastard disorder.

I have been clean and sober for almost 6 months now and it feels great to not be using drugs and alcohol to cope with my feelings of sadness over my dad’s passing in September and happy to be free of it all to be there for my granddaughter. Being fully present with her makes me feel proud for all my hard work.

I got clean with the help of 12 step programs, and got a sponsor right away and am currently on step 6. It is good to have someone to share my ups and downs with and to be very honest I have rare cravings to return to a life of weed and alcohol. It’s such a different life but one that I am embracing fully.

I still rely on coffee and cigarettes but am working on that too and have learned that I can go a long time without a cig. because I never smoke when I am with my granddaughter and that is a lot lately.

My husband bought me a 2014 suv to safely take her on her appointments so it is nice to finally have a reliable clean and safe vehicle. I don’t work still and have no plans to because of my Schizoaffective Disorder so it was not imperative until recently to get a new used car. It is beautful with all the bells and whistles.

I must also mention that I have finally found a trusted therapist who is helping me to deal with my traumatic upbringing and is teaching me ways I can check my own reality through journaling and stepping outside of the situation that may be causing me angst to see if my feelings are valid or if I am just running on self will run riot. It’s expensive but we are making tremendous progress so going to continue as long as we see fit. It is amazing how one can heal with the right therapist. He asks me questions often that I think about through the week and it is helping me greatly.

I have also stopped using my dear daughter for emotional support. This is huge and I do feel guilty that I used her for so long since getting this disorder in 2006 when she was only 12 years old. I shared way to much with her and she grew up fast supporting her mom, me, all these years. She is 27 now and we get to have adult conversations where I am supporting her instead of the norm of the past 15 years. I had no one else, but now I do, and since my epiphany realized through therapy I get to just be her mother which is wonderful. I try not to focus albeit hard not to do on the way things have been but instead am very careful how much I share with her. This came about through my therapy.

It has been quite the year for me and for many. I would like to recap briefly.

If you are still with me, thanks for reading this far. For those of you who are new, some of this may be surreal to imagine how this year has unfolded but it is not fiction. I couldn’t dream of making it up.

2021

January got out of credit card debt

February found out I was going to be a gramma! Elated naturally but this made me want to improve my habits to be the best grammy I can be

Some time after that, realized I had not only Schizoaffective Disorder but also DID disorder, which is dissasociation through having different identities ( I had 15). Once I realized this I worked very hard to self integrate and become one again. I was successful albeit painful almost through sheer will, research, and lots of prayer. One gets this disorder often through trauma in childhood and I certainly qualified. I did see a therapist briefly but decided to self integrate because I knew I couldn’t possibly care for a baby while suffering this condition. I am one now and although still dealing with the trauma of childhood and beyond am happy I no longer suffer this condition.

Soon after self integrating I got sober and then clean off of my daily habit of vaping weed. This was hard yet simple with the help of 12 step programs.

My father who has been sick for 5 long years passed on 9-11-21. Again a very hard thing to go through when he finally passed.

A month later my granddaughter was born the day after my birthday, the day before what would have been my late father’s birthday. A very special trio of days to celebrate, 10/16, 10/17 and 10/18.

My heavy grieving for my father ceased the night my granddaughter was born as I was so full of joy.

Soon after her birth I started therapy to cope with the grief and to learn boundaries, communication and how to do my own reality checks. It is a learning curve but I know I am on the right path.

All caught up for now!

Wishing you all a wonderful Thanksgiving if in Usa and if from a different country peace love light and joy.

I hope to blog more frequently in the upcoming months but no promises I cannot keep.

God bless and keep you all!

Comments are always welcome!

Michelle

Guest article on dealing with debt…

Thank you Ed Carter again for a wonderful post addressing many ways to manage one’s money, applicable to all debt but especially targeted to those going to school.

Ed has been a regular contributor to this blog and receives no compensation for his time of writing wonderful applicable pieces. He is also open to suggestions on anything financial and dealing with mental illness.

Email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com if you have any ideas.

Image via Pexels

How to Keep Long-Term Debt Manageable When Going to College

If you are recovering from or living with a mental health disability, how you shape your everyday life is critical. And that includes your career. Perhaps you’re already in a job that brings you fulfillment and purpose. But if not, consider evaluating your career and pursuing something more.

Unless you already have the knowledge, skills, and credentials necessary to excel in your chosen field, going back to school might be a strong step toward laying the foundation necessary. It’s no secret that college can be expensive and saddle you with debt that follows you around for many years after graduation. However, following these tips from MyPersonalRecoveryfromSchizophrenia.com can go a long way in helping you minimize long-term debt as you pursue a degree:

Opt for online.

If possible, take online classes. They are often more affordable than in-person programs, and they typically offer a more flexible schedule. You can complete your degree at your own pace which means that you can more easily fit other obligations into your life such as work, family, and downtime.

For instance, if you pursue a bachelor of science and education, it can open doors for you to teach preschoolers and elementary-aged kids, and you can still live a fulfilled life along the way.

Submit a FAFSA.

This is a must. The Free Application of Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) can be easily accessed at studentaid.gov. By completing and submitting this application, you can quickly find out which grants, student loans, and work-study programs you qualify for.

Your main focus should be on grants, as they won’t require you to pay any money back. As far as loans are concerned, you will likely receive a more favorable interest rate through federal loans as opposed to private loans, and they often come with more flexible payment terms as well. Work-study programs will give you the opportunity to work off some of your tuition costs.

Apply for a lot of scholarships.

Similar to grants, scholarships are essentially free money for students. And you can apply to as many as you want. Research the variety of scholarships instituted by universities, businesses, organizations, and individuals throughout the country. The more scholarships you apply for, the more money you will get; it is that simple. If you really want to improve your chances of being rewarded, treat scholarship applications like a part-time job.

Assess each loan.  

Maybe you will get all the grants and scholarships necessary to pay for all of your college expenses. But you will most likely need to take on one or more loans. Pay close attention to the terms of each loan that you consider. This means looking at all the interest rates, APR, repayment options, and duration of the loans. If you need to pursue a loan from the private sector (e.g., credit unions, banks, other lenders), compare the terms to choose the most favorable ones possible.

Borrow less.

Just because you qualify for a certain maximum loan amount doesn’t mean you should accept it. Go through your budget and evaluate your goals to determine how much money you will actually need to get through college and earn your degree. Don’t borrow any more than you need.

One way that you can minimize the amount you will need to borrow is to put yourself in a more stable financial situation. For example, consider getting a part-time job if you don’t already have one so that you can earn income to offset some of the costs of living and school, and live as frugally as you can while you’re taking classes.

If you feel like it is time to improve your career prospects, pursuing a degree in your desired field could be a strong step in the right direction. Remember to thoroughly research schools before deciding where to go, and go for an online degree if possible. Also, be sure to file a FAFSA, apply for as many scholarships as you can, and evaluate each loan you consider. Lastly, strengthen your financial standing, and only borrow the money you need so that you can put yourself in a better long-term financial situation.

If you found this article helpful, you can read more content on mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia.com!