The importance of a support team…

Ten oclock here and it has been a rough day, week on many levels. When I do not blog it is because I just cannot share my pain here even or I am traveling, which is usually planned.

I am struggling again and I do not know why. I begged the heavens for help. Already met with my therapist for another matter and then something else in family sprung up. The sister of my husband suffered an episode this week and had to be hospitalized. Thank God she is getting help but I have not been ok this week so as I was trying to help my husband get her help I was like to myself that I need help too! But I cannot share with him when I am like this so even though he asked I said I was fine. I dont want to burden anybody ever. I try not to have drama…

An angel came to my aid today in the form of my daughter again. She still lives with me but will be moving out soon which is good but will miss her happy presence all day as she works from home mostly. I waited until she got done with work and said those words to her that I have been saying to myself. ~I am not ok and havent been for several days. She knew what to do and offered suggestions.

I have not been exercising this week because life has been so crazy. I exercised and felt better soon after. I did not reach for the bottle but did eat some sugar. I ran out of my chocolate stash this week and was craving wine. Wine does not help when I am not ok and my daughter reminded me.

This took courage to reach out to somebody and I am giving myself props for leaning on my support team. If things dont get better soon will reach out to my pdoc but for now am going to not let life get in the way of exercise. I read somewhere that you should spend at least 20 minutes outdoors a day and on busy days at least an hour. Getting outside and exercising for just 10 minutes lifted my mood and was able to do some housework and finally blog all this off my chest…

I wonder sometimes if I want to know the future especially when I have hard days coming. I do not but need to be better prepared for when I am not feeling ok…

peace love light and joy to all of you

Victoria

Cant say how I really feel…

Oh I can rant and rave how much mental health disorders suck and tell it to fuck off, but I will not.

I choose joy…

I choose life over death…

I choose to take my meds every day no matter what…

I choose therapy when I have no one else to turn to…

This is how I manage my mental health disorder. I try things out and when they do not work out I switch gears and try from another angle or choose to do something different. It is all about trial and error really. What may work for me may not work for another; or it may. This is why I blog~

I blog because it is a release of my pent up thoughts which are ever with me. My mind has a disorder but I am able to lift myself out of it sometimes briefly sometimes longer and do things that are hard, painful and things that will not be written about here.

Yesterday was a different sort of day. I got a massage in the morning, a mothers day gift from my dear daughter, had a health lunch out, watched a softball game and hung out with my family after talking about future plans for all and then late night talks with hubbie. I forgot I had a disorder at all during those wonderful moments. But then wake up and here I am again musing my life and trying to do my best.

Although yesterday was a wonderful day in many ways there was also some grief. But I choose joy. I do not choose drama but may be causing some soon…haha a story for a different life.

I will not give up!

peace love light and joy

Victoria

I choose my future…

Again music comes to my aid.

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Sarah Bareilles feat Elton John

This song speaks to me tonight as I ponder my future and that of my loved ones. I have to be ok bottom line. There are bad people out there and I cannot protect the world. I have tried. My God knows.

I am fighting depression even deeper than before. But I choose to end the suffering, the angst, the powerlessness. I choose to fight for good in any way I can. I wont apologize. I wont even think. I will just do it. Unrepentant.

Fighting for my mental health during May Mental Health Awareness Month during a very strange time in this world. Where fear meets its enemy, hope.

I have hope now. I have hope for better days. I have hope for my family and all my loved ones and the world. Most importantly I have hope for myself. I can choose to let thoughts about what I cannot control not consume me. I choose to fight for myself and my loved ones. Something needs to change and I am ready. I don’t want to know the future. I am glad I dont.

Computer is acting up!

More tomorrow

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Pain is deep…

Parsley, Rosemary and thyme~Simon and Garfunkel

I haven’t blogged all week because the pain is so deep of what I have gone through.

I had to cancel my assessment for the second time so taking that as a sign from the universe to stop trying with her.

An incident from 20 years ago came back to haunt me on my trip down south. It was traumatic and unfortunately involving one of my children. I have to protect a new family the predator is now involved with but don’t know how. Been trying to figure it out on my own but my sister (God bless her) had heard about it and called me so I did have someone to talk to about it yesterday.

Why are mental health problems so fucking hard? My brain has a disorder and right now I am fighting to breathe air… Big things like this really set me off down a spiral staircase to only God knows where.

I am experimenting with my gingko intake. Wondering if it is causing me to hyperfocus on the bad and negativity of every situation?

I am home alone with my thoughts and music and comforts. Hubbie had to go back down south to pick up my car after it got fixed, which broke down on our travels. Usually this would be great but the impending situation at my hands is before my mind and all I can think about.

Might garden a bit as the weather is perfect.

I am postponing all other activities until I am able to warn this unsuspecting woman with grandchildren.

Pleasee helppp me God to find her and share what is so painful to even mention to myself. Lots of tears this week.

Hope all of you are doing well. I’m still fighting and not giving up but it is fuckinng harder than ever to figure it out.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Quote of the day… —

I love getting these quotes in my email every day. I always have to look at the pic below and often imagine my favorite quotes above my sofa… This one means a lot to me. Robin Williams in I forget the movie (help someone) encourages his students with this phrase in such an impactful way. It brings tears to my eyes or might be from seeing my dad today. Thinking about those who have passed or may in the near future. Makes me want to hold all my loved ones close…Not suicidal happy to report and house to myself tonight! Going to garden, clean and write! pax Victoria

Quote of the day… —

May Joys…

There is so much joy in the month of May for me. I enjoy being in my garden late in the day with my doggies at my side relaxing and enjoying the hard work of me and my daughter with a full veggie section and planting the flower part tomorrow!

I am working on the depression piece for May series 2021 but I’m not gonna lie it’s kind of depressing to write about depression especially when one finds themselves situationally depressed although I am coming out of it because I found my therapist after 3 consults. The consults themselves wiped me out so I took a long bath tonight and am choosing to write about things that bring me joy.

Be back in a sec…

Because I choose to be like Scarlett O’hara and think about tomorrow tomorrow…

I am taking a lot of me time. Realizing huge gaps in my memory about my childhood because of what it was like for an empath to grow up feeling unloved due to heavy criticism and some verbal abuse from my mother. I sought love everywhere, other families would sort of adopt me, I enjoyed spending time with the elderly and I excelled in school although not to my full potential but I did damn good.

May is not only Mental Health Awareness Month but it is also the month of Mary! I have a Mary garden and it is blooming nicely just for her. Ivy has grown around her statuette and the rose bush is blooming partially.

I am forcing myself to keep positive right now. As I type I think of all the things wrong in any given topic with my life, gardens hell life. Yet I choose because I want to to look on the bright side. I’m not all about rainbows and butterflies but I do try to keep it real and that is why I love blogging…

But as for tomorrow, we, my mom and I, are going to visit my dad, which we always know may be the last time…

I have the morning planned out to get shit done and then the afternoon to just chill and go to bed as early as I want! The house is prepped today, there is food ready to eat in the fridge and all is well.

I know that finding a therapist that I can connect with and who has expertise in both DID and Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder is bringing much relief. She did question my diagnosis as DID and Schizophrenia can be confused but in DID one dissociates (which I have since an early age) and Schizophrenia (no dissociatinng). I am already learning from her and I like her. But I know I have both and am seeking integration of all my different parts.

So taking a break after the visit with my mom and dad tomorrow and have my grief therapist on Friday afternoon. If I feel up to it I am going to volunteer that morning at Growing Grounds a farm that supports the mental health program I am involvevd in. But only if I can get to bed early…

What are some things that bring you joy in May?

peace, love and light and joy

Victoria

Tips on Preparing for a mental health appointment…

I am set tomorrow to see my psychiatrist about my noted recent mental health concerns at 7am. I don’ t get up till 9am usually, so this preparation is already starting with my caffeine intake and plans to get to bed by 11. I do not do well without sleep as do most of us so this is important. I can always go back to bed if needed I suppose so we shall see.

Last night I wrote out my brief points I wish to discuss with my psychiatrist tomorrow. I only get 15-20 minutes for the appointment and there is much to cover so although when I am doing well I don’t always do this, I felt it was extremely important to write things down for this and past crucial appointments. I included past times of dissociation prior to being diagnosed with Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder and when others had noticed it.

I also have had to think much about my privacy at that time as my husband is scheduled to leave for a trip around 6am so hopefully he will be gone and everyone else will still be asleep. I do have a plan B though to just go on my phone in my car if others are around. I do miss in person appointments with the safety of being in his office. I have tested all my new equipment and it is all working.

Wonderful today I received a message from my psychiatrist to complete a specific how I am doing the past two weeks assessment, which I did. This made me very happy as it shows that he is prepping as well for this appointment. I have been with the same psychiatrist for the past 13 years so we know each other well and the best part is that I feel heard when I speak to him of my concerns and never judged. He values my insight into my conditions and is very respectful of wherever I am at. So high hopes tomorrow!

Will blog tomorrw hopefully and give an update.

Wishing you all a wonderful day and weekend ahead:)

peace love light and joy

Victoria

Late night musings…

Welcome to my mind where drama still exists maybe more than others, maybe less but for me it is not always a safe place. I get myself into trouble, not police haha. But around 2pm-3pm every day I get really anxious. I’m pretty good at figuring things out so am going to tackle this as well. Maybe some cbd oil, hate to take more anxiety meds but never abuse it so I will try cbd oil first and then if that doesn’t help take a half a klonapin. It really sucks. I’ll be having a great day and then wham I don’t know what to do.

I have tried various measures like planning my day out the night before and it has helped me to be more productive and organized but I am lost at that time. Anybody else experience a time of day like this of restlessness?

Anyway, today was a beautiful day in sunny California. Gardened with my daughter in the evening when it cooled down. It was actually 82 degrees here today!

Didn’t feel like writing my book today but still waiting for my editor to proof the rough draft but still much to do.

I am getting ready for Easter dinner for family on Sunday so much to do! I love having my close family over and especially with my pregnant daughter in law not able to entertain so it falls on me for now. I don’t mind. I have some flowers I need to buy and plant in a half wine barrel my hubbie found somewhere hehe. And I am painting my kitchen cabinets white with new black knobs. Red tulips on my black and white checkered tablecloth. I love order!

Another windfall of money came my way. I can’t believe it but put it straight in savings except for flowers! I have manifested this with and without hard work. I am now trying to manifest more connection with my kids. It’s working. I don’t care about money but do care about my loved ones. Going to make a donation to my favorite charity CureSZ and start a mutual fund for my future grandchild like my mom did for mine!

Balance is my mindset right now with everything. No more extremes I’m really gonna try. Today was great and terrible. Tomorrow I’m going for even keel.

Starting my new mental health program tomorrow on loss. We shall see!

Hope ya’ll have a great night.

peace, love light and joy

Victoria

Found an amazing program…

Good morning all!

I have to share a new program I will be trying out that is local to my area. I did not even know about this opportunity. They have classes for anxiety and depression, dual diagnosis, creative expression, peer to peer, and more. Even have a walking group in person but other than that it is all virtual. I will let you know how it goes as usual but wondering if every state/province/country has mental help services like this one in your area. Where I live it is 211 (USA) to find out about such resources. Not sure in various countries but good to check out.

In the past I have not been interested in joining groups but I feel I want to at least give it a try. Wish me well!

April hopes…

Gardening! Started today and it felt great except for the splinters I got in my finger…minor intrusion but dealt with it. My hope for April is to garden every day. Wake up and get out there. Feel the dirt in my fingers, spreading roots, watering, compost tea, cleaning up my potting bench and weeding, weeding, weeding! Without out the weeds it would present no challenge so I take this challenge and tomorrow will wear gloves. But seriously I want to have an awesome veggie and flower garden this year!

Eating more salads and veggies mixed in with favorites. Veggies won’t be ready for a while from my garden but planning to visit farmer’s markets and buy locally grown. More produce, no processed except rare and whole foods as much as possible. Limiting high calorie drinks and drinking mainly water with the occasional cup of joe.

Finish my first book! It is closer after much work this weekend. Submit very rough draft to my editor and hoping for some more movement on my part too. I’m liking it so far though so must take advantage of the times when the iron is hot and strike!

Walking! Must use treadmill or go on walk a half an hour a day for physical and more importantly mental or brain health. Spring is here so must take advantage of good weather and nice days:)

These are just some of my thoughts tonight about starting a new month before it even started. Ha ha. I love new beginnings if you can’t tell.

With the money that has befallen me recently, I am getting new glasses, seeing the dentist, making minor home improvements and saving the rest for a rainy day for surely it will come. Money sure goes fast! I am also keeping the search feature for this blog so be sure to check it out as many readers have been having fun at least I hope so:)

peace love light and joy

Victoria