Down my little street…much to ponder

This is a different type of post today for with new beginnings there is much to consider in my life with choices before me that have never existed until now. I happen to live at the end of a cul de sac so hence the title and it is where I spend most of my time with occasional excursions as my mood hits and errands necesitate.

I believe in manifestation according to desire. I desire balance between body, mind and spirit…

My Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder is well managed right now but I’m holding out for more than I have now. I am looking and researching some new supplements to help with the negative symptoms I still suffer from- which are mainly lack of energy/motivation and a less than optimistic outlook about my life and that of others from my loved ones to my readers on here to the stranger on the street.

I want to be the best version of me possible and I now set out to the Universe to God to the Divine all my wishes to have not just a mundane existence, but one of much progress of which I know I am already doing…

It is possible and it is not talked about enough. We just settle for the side effects of medicine for our disorder and I refuse to accept it any longer! Will be sharing my new supplement regimen after a month. I have been able to find the right medication cocktail to help me be in remission from Schizophrenia and now I look to Mother Earth for wise answers to overcome all that is still lacking in my center. If anyone else has any tips please do share!

Secondly, welcome to any new readers and followers:) I have opened up some new outlets to gain a wider readership and appreciate every like, comment and follow. I try not to let interactions to guide my blogging because if I did I would have given up by now.

Blogging helps me to get my thoughts out to the Universe in a sometimes radical, sometimes mundane and sometimes a resonating way. I often read through my old blog posts which date back to 2013 and have hopes to add more categories with organization to help others find some of my posts that I feel are helpful to me and all of you. So watch for changes as I find the time to do so…

And third, currently among my many projects that keep me happy, busy and entertained, I hope to manifest guidance from above. For wherever we put our energy there it will grow and while I don’t watch tv at all or am on any social media I spend much of my day listening to music, which I love but want to also balance that with my activities. My current obsession is Taylor Swift! Ha ha, and I’m 52 years young. Her music is great for studying, reading and writing. A very talented artist to say the least!

I like to read blogs and quotes, listen to podcasts and sometimes just sit while I eat. But often I get so engrossed that I wonder where does the time go? I also like to stay up late and read and interesting suggestion on a recent blog to get proper rest by staying in bed for 8 hours even if not asleep. I have been doing this the last few days and I do take an occasional nap or at least lie down and watch the trees blow in the wind from my master bedroom. It is good to sometimes do nothing but to rest our bodies and while the results aren’t in yet will be taking note of the days I do so and check energy levels.

So those are my three areas I am focusing on for improvement. Supplements, A Welcome and where to spend my energy. It is now midday and I’m not sure what I will be doing with the rest of my day. Many of my loved ones are sick right now, so probably focus on taking care of them along with cleaning and if the wind dies down gardening, which has been lacking this year. My houseplants are all doing great though, which is my way to spend some time in nature indoors.

I will also be working on my Nature Thought Journal which I hope to publish once it is done. I am looking for a few of my readers to review it so if you have the time, send me your email and I will share it with you hoping for feedback. I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com . I have myself not found a journal that is satisfactory for my purposes so am constructing one that I’m really proud of so far. Feel free to comment what you like about a good journal. Have a spectacular day and thanks for reading if you made it to the end.

Peace

Victoria

Blood moon Solar Eclipse meaning to me…

First off before the deep stuff~ Pepperoni Pizza ha ha, my son is even picking it up.

And then to observe nature in the dusk hours in its finest display in the sky

Cloudiness may interfere with its observance

But that’s ok because just as I know that ___ is there always as a fish has water all around it yet fails to know of water, the eclipse means new beginnings to me, not a new start, no rather an opening to greater things…of the body(somatic), mind(psyche) and spirit(logos)…

Body- stretching and flexing my muscles as I have been but now with increased weights

Not walking much, but perhaps swimming, this is due to an injury which I feel is no coincidence

Mind- stretching my mind to new levels

of most importance is writing the biography/memoir of a dear family member’s late husband

next it is dare I say it, learning SEO, Search Engine Optimization, to expand my readership

as I embark upon new ideas stirring within to blog and write about in depth as if my life depended on it

And philosophy- I have finally found a podcast called Philosiphize This you can find here. I became a patreon and will be emailing the podcaster, stephen west, to introduce myself and share some of my writing pertaining to his podcast and my own conclusions of which I don’t always agree with, but first going to listen to more podcast for perhaps the answer is not yet revealed?? Fun though to spar, not trying to win but to actually be able to communicate with a philosopher I don’t find boring at all!

Spirit- embracing what resonates with me

and leaving all the rest aside

choosing my own moral principles which align with that of what I have found beneficial from many religions

but releasing the baggage that has been a part of my spirit, which I will write tonight in my journal and burn tonight, and setting my intention for this new start…

And embracing my twin flame in spirit

AND LOTS OF YOGA!!!

PRAYER TO GOD ALMIGHTY!!!

AND MUCH THINKING ABOUT IMPORTANT THINGS…

Feeling within me…

I’ve been at a loss this week in many ways. Too many to write here. There’s been a lot of good too but today is hard.

My daughter is sick, I’m her caregiver when she gets sick 🤒 even though she is 28. and others in my life are not doing great right now so like usual I’m allowing other’s stress to affect me which I’m fighting with all that I am.

I just want to escape from it all. But am choosing instead to blog about it.

And then clean up the kitchen because I made an awesome dinner tonight which nobody except me ate.

I’m the one in recovery from schizophrenia but all those around me are falling apart. I’m not sure how to pick myself back up. I need a new day and am going to use my coping skills to manage my schizophrenia.

Cleaning and healthy smoothie are old favorites which worked tonight 😊

My schizophrenia has been under control thanks to God and my hard work that I put into every day.

So looking on the bright side of things as my dad taught me today was a very productive day despite all the lack of control I have over the people in my life…

I walked 3 miles, cleaned my house, took care of my daughter and pups 🐶. And took care of me! I also didn’t buy anything when I went to my favorite store to pick up an order. Progress!

I was thinking of trying to work again but know that the reason why I am doing so well right now is because I don’t work outside the home. But it’s hard to accept some days when I have so much to offer. That’s why I’m not going to pursue my doctorate. What is the point if I can’t work.

I will continue to write and blog because that helps me greatly. I forgot to mention that I also couldn’t use my laptop today the way I’m used to. It’s being funky and won’t go online. Which meant I couldn’t work on my Nature Thought Journal I started in Maui a few weeks ago. It’s coming along nicely so another frustration in my day.

I won’t give up is my mantra in all that I do.

I won’t give up on finding meaning in my life despite my diagnosis. It’s hard to believe that I earned my Masters degree in psychology post diagnosis! But I find meaning in helping others so feel free to drop me an email at Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I answer all emails and have met some great friends on here. Also feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my experience with schizophrenia and check out my May series 2020 and 2022 above this blog. Tomorrow will be working more on May series 2022 and the mind, body spirit connection in psychiatry and psychotherapy.

I Truly feel a more holistic approach is needed to treat this disorder for people to recover.

Pax

Victoria

May 2020 Series~

mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia

Welcome to this series, which may be the first of many. I am doing extremely well during this pandemic; been working on my mental, physical and spiritual health to a great degree. I wanted to share with all of you how my life has changed during these most difficult times. I look forward to each day and although I am mainly very focused, I still have my moments of difficulty but am symptom free.

Prior to this pandemic, I would just sit for hours all day long and maybe get the dishes done. But now, sitting isn’t what I want to do anymore. Ironically, writing about all these topics of what has benefited me, has been beneficial.

Here are the topics for the May series. Feel free to click on the link to go to the page. Any comments are welcome!

View original post 38 more words

How does it feel?

A poem of sorts today after hearing a sad story of addiction at its worst, an od (overdose)

How does it feel to be dead inside of you?

So dead that drugs overcome you

an empty searching for nothing that will truly help

Only bringing pain and loss and pain to those that love you …

Death comes welcomed to those who are dead inside

Hope is elusive

Hope is in an afterlife

Hope is in relief from the pain of living in addiction

Hope is all I have tonight that I will never use drugs again

Hope in God, Hope In me and mankind and all that is good in my life and this world

Hope that I can pursue my dreams and even when I fail, Hope that I will try again and again and again

Peace to all

RIP dear drug addict who might die tonight and all those who have already died of drug addiction

There but for the grace of God go I

V

Happy Mental Health month! Upcoming

Great to be back home after a nice vacation and a relaxing weekend!

My usual series for May is in the works!

I will be exploring the body, mind and spirit connection focusing on the work of Viktor Frankl’s insight on how man is unity yet multiplicity. And how taking it beyond that can affect the world benefiting us and others.

My self study on philosophical ideas is causing me to turn this blog into a little different posts.

Hope will also be an ongoing theme for my writing and all it encompasses. Without Hope we are dead inside. Hope keeps us going and when it is lacking reading and writing and mindful activities provide it.

May you all have much hope today and every day, to live your best lives and embrace your humanity!

Forget any diagnosis for now but keep taking your meds as I do or keep trying to find the best cocktail for you! We are all different yet the same in many ways.

Peace love hope and joy be with you all!

Victoria

Feeling every emotion today…

Back from vacation day one. Stayed sober by the grace of God, not even a desire as my companions drank beer and mai Thais all day and night. Could have got a contact high from the locals at the park but ran the other way!

I like being sober but today I think it all caught up with me.

I felt every emotion I used to drink and get high over. Anger at the atm, cursing at it because it wasn’t accepting deposits, really? I’m still pissed.

Sadness over my dad’s passing and how he was the only person alive who truly supported me!!! I miss him so much and can’t wait to die and be with him again.

Confusion much with the time lag. Too many examples to share. but at one point some dude honked at me because my gas cover was open all the way lol after leaving a crowded gas station that after much waiting had parked on wrong side to put gasoline in. Left without closing cap.

Anger again at my husband but I got some shopping money out of it so there’s that!

And lastly love and joy because of my children, mainly my daughter. They are who I missed most on my vacation And of course my granddaughter ❤️

🖤🖤🖤

Grateful today to be in a place where I can be emotional 😭 😌🥰 and sober and not psychotic.

I studied quite a bit on vacation as well and excited to once again be in learning mode with Viktor Frankl’s books. So many new words and all very resonating with my mind, body and spirit!

Rest In Peace my new favorite author 🙏🙏🙏

Paz

Victoria

Rainbows 🌈 abounding today…

After a difficult day yesterday here in Maui today was a breath of fresh air and rainbows 🌈. I was proactive with my choice of music 🎶 and what I spent my energy on.

It worked!

I relaxed in the morning with my husband and then we went snorkeling 🤿! It was the best day yet on vacation.

I was out in the ocean 🌊 and there was a turtle 🐢 swimming nearby but as hard as I tried and prayed I couldn’t find it. I finally decided that if I was supposed to find it I would and stopped obsessing over it. I stumbled upon a underwater reef with a plethora of fish, some exotic and some schools of fish 🐠 . It was glorious!

I learned a valuable lesson in this to continue to trust the process. I didn’t get to swim with the turtle 🐢 but found something else spectacular.

I also walked 4 miles today! I’m feeling great and hope to go snorkeling 🤿 again tomorrow and the next day and then home.

I was homesick yesterday, tired and cranky. Today I don’t want it to end. Finally ok without my kids here and enjoyed the sunset tonight along with rainbows 🌈 and Hawaiian music.

It’s funny because when I feel disconnected from God and myself I revert to old patterns that do not serve me well. Music is a huge part of my day and night.

It has been hard to be around my sister and husband with their constant need for alcohol but at least today got to enjoy a beach view while they drank. Has anyone else ever gotten a contact buzz just being around people who are drinking? It happens to me all the time! I have fun mostly.

Some days will be hard but then a new day comes and I get grateful again. Grateful for God, my marriage my sobriety and everything God wants me to experience. I’m learning you can’t have fun all the time but I’ll take it as often as I can.

Peace

V

Deep pain…

Yes, I’m on vacation in Maui but missing my home and all my kids and granddaughter.

I’m here with my husband and sister but their drinking matches are getting boring.

Today a wreckless stranger attacked 2 gay men right on front street in my favorite town in Maui. This upset me very much. They were defenseless in his beating them up. It hit me right now how those two men are feeling tonight. Nobody stepped in to help is the worst part. I didn’t watch but saw everyone run over to witness this unprovoked random act of violence.

The world isn’t safe and there is nothing I can do about it.

Last night I was in heaven working on a new writing project after a wonderful day and today I find myself at a loss for many reasons.

My pain is heavy tonight. One of my readers just wrote about pain and how we must know our own pain before we can be empathetic to others.

I agree and still have my deepest darkest secret which I only share with my therapist. I actually wrote a long essay about it and will discuss it in our next session.

This pain leaves me at times but tonight every part of my body and mind feels it.

Perhaps because of the attack, feelings of low self worth, and some new physical problems which I seriously would rather have than mental health problems. I’m currently in remission of my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder on meds.

It is wonderful but this secret doesn’t help. I haven’t killed anyone or anything like that but not feeling very spiritual today.

I pray now for those who were attacked and the attacker and those who could have helped but didn’t…

And I pray for me too, for what I’m not sure but for release of whatever is bringing me pain.

Peace and love

Victoria

Maui vibes

This is me taking in the aloha spirit of Maui, my heaven on earth. Never have I felt such peace and tranquillity to my very core as on this island.

It is a different vacation here this time…

I’m content and blessed to be surrounded by my sister and husband, enjoying nature and all that my God wishes me to experience.

Last time I was here in September it was a different story which I will not tell tonight.

I am at the best place mentally, spiritually and accepting my physicality limitations but embracing every part of me.

It is times like this that I imagine myself doing great things here and when I get back home. But also a lot of rest and recreation.

I’m planning to compose a journal with daily writing prompts among other writing adventures. I have been remiss to find one that is inspirational for my personal use so will try my hand at writing my own.

I’m also inspired to finally create a secret Japanese garden where I usually plant a veggie garden. I weeded before leaving for Maui so all I need is plants, stones and some type of bridge or small pagoda.

Off to take a bath and relax some more.

Aloha and mahalo for joining me in spirit to be open to new possibilities in life.

Victoria