Feeling within me…

I’ve been at a loss this week in many ways. Too many to write here. There’s been a lot of good too but today is hard.

My daughter is sick, I’m her caregiver when she gets sick 🤒 even though she is 28. and others in my life are not doing great right now so like usual I’m allowing other’s stress to affect me which I’m fighting with all that I am.

I just want to escape from it all. But am choosing instead to blog about it.

And then clean up the kitchen because I made an awesome dinner tonight which nobody except me ate.

I’m the one in recovery from schizophrenia but all those around me are falling apart. I’m not sure how to pick myself back up. I need a new day and am going to use my coping skills to manage my schizophrenia.

Cleaning and healthy smoothie are old favorites which worked tonight 😊

My schizophrenia has been under control thanks to God and my hard work that I put into every day.

So looking on the bright side of things as my dad taught me today was a very productive day despite all the lack of control I have over the people in my life…

I walked 3 miles, cleaned my house, took care of my daughter and pups 🐶. And took care of me! I also didn’t buy anything when I went to my favorite store to pick up an order. Progress!

I was thinking of trying to work again but know that the reason why I am doing so well right now is because I don’t work outside the home. But it’s hard to accept some days when I have so much to offer. That’s why I’m not going to pursue my doctorate. What is the point if I can’t work.

I will continue to write and blog because that helps me greatly. I forgot to mention that I also couldn’t use my laptop today the way I’m used to. It’s being funky and won’t go online. Which meant I couldn’t work on my Nature Thought Journal I started in Maui a few weeks ago. It’s coming along nicely so another frustration in my day.

I won’t give up is my mantra in all that I do.

I won’t give up on finding meaning in my life despite my diagnosis. It’s hard to believe that I earned my Masters degree in psychology post diagnosis! But I find meaning in helping others so feel free to drop me an email at Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I answer all emails and have met some great friends on here. Also feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my experience with schizophrenia and check out my May series 2020 and 2022 above this blog. Tomorrow will be working more on May series 2022 and the mind, body spirit connection in psychiatry and psychotherapy.

I Truly feel a more holistic approach is needed to treat this disorder for people to recover.

Pax

Victoria

Venice Beach tonight..

Enjoying being out and about at Santa Monica pier and Venice Beach in California.

Last night was a night to fully grieve for my dad who passed away last September. Many tears, realizations and emptiness inside after some journaling.

Wednesday I read the eulogy I gave at my dads funeral in December to my therapist. It was received well. My therapist understands better now the kind man my father was to me. And that my dad is still a huge part of my life from heaven above.

Every time I see a plane which often happens when I need it, some ethereal moment in my day confirmed by a plane or any time I bite an ice cube 🧊! Orbs in pictures still or videos along with his gentle guidance.

I will ask him a question and wait and often I know exactly what he would want or have a new thought or word come into my head.

The grief is no longer unbearable but still miss him very much. I read my journal from last year and I read my own words that when my father died a part of me would die inside too. It is true even though I have him in a different way now.

Tears 😭

I am very happy tonight though to be on the right cocktail of meds so my disorder remains at bay. And my life coach has given me new homework on how to protect myself from negative energies. Already used one today at the beach where there were so many people.

When I get back home tomorrow will be continuing to work on my new article about the symbolic meaning of the lotus flower 🌸 and how its sacredness and inner wisdom is helping me to heal as a sometimes dark empath.

My past few months of angst are behind me and I find comfort in music from Iceland 🇮🇸. Piano and string instruments along with one woman’s deep enthralling voice of exactly where I am at.

Peaceful tonight and wishing you all peace as well as having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is only brought to my mind anymore when I am taking my meds.

I feel I am emerging as a new person with some pain but no longer delusional and emotionally stable which I see continuing as long as I stay on the safe path.

Back to my title, Venice, my husband and I drove the coast down highway 1 aka pch pacific coast highway and he drove so I got to fully appreciate the beauty and powerful waves of the Pacific Ocean. Was perfect!

We got lost but avoided an accident several times along the way. We sat in our car and listened to kroq and punk rock music 🎶 from times of old and just enjoyed the day. He people watched and I stared at the Ferris wheel 🎡 in picture wishing I could go on it or at least the merry go round. I didn’t because there were so many people but pretended which I am good at.

Tomorrow attending a celebration of life for my husband’s cousin who dropped dead at age 41 a few weeks ago. So sad 😞 as he left behind two young daughters and a wife who is strong but must be hard. Will be a day with his family. But today was good to spend all day with my husband ❤️

V

I’m holding out for more than I have now…

I’m dreaming big tonight!

My past is behind me, no more looking back.

I’m in the now and the now is pretty damn good. The future will come and I will deal with it one success, one failure at a time.

Writing ✍️ is my passion as is taking care of my mind, body and spirit. Also learning how to control if possible my empathic abilities or deep intuition at times as I embrace my sober existence.

Livingtd- living the dream I could never have thought up if I tried. I am figuring out who I want to be at many levels; as myself first, daughter, wife, mother and gramma ❤️

Today wasn’t perfect but my mindset is as I say yes to life and thrive in most of what I do.

More coming soon as I prepare for a getaway with my love of my life.

Peace be with you all!

Embrace peace and harmony and never stop trying to figure things out!

Victoria

Marriage and solitude…

I have the perfect marriage I just realized!

I have a husband with many friends and Vw buddies, who works long hours and who is often absent by alcohol or tiredness.

Me on the other hand loves solitude and only has a couple of close friends and those 2 friends are busy with work and their families. So I have lots of time for reflection, writing and doing whatever I wish.

Oh I have the mundane chores naturally and I prefer it that way because I enjoy keeping up with the house and use that time to think too. About life, about death and everything in between.

It’s the perfect scenario. We don’t even sleep in the same bed but that’s ok too because he snores and I’m a night owl.

Feeling blessed indeed!

We do spend time together but it isn’t all the time. I like deep meaningful conversations and lately we’ve had a few. I feel closer to him than ever because he gives me space as he gets so much out of hanging out with the guys.

My disorder is at bay and I expect it will be now that things are in place for our future. After a chaotic few months things are looking up and even though I’m having a tooth extracted tomorrow I am at peace tonight and just a bit nervous they might put me under.

Found a new blog of philosophy I’m obsessed with and it’s giving me much to ponder about for my next article.

Peace be with you all

Victoria

Poverty at its lowest and finest…

I am not poor today but have been in my life many times.

Poor in mind, poor in spirit, poor in body and lastly but not least poor in finances.

Tonight I soar with the light being free from the most unusual situation I have alluded to on here. Telepathic situation of feeling another’s hold on my mind. A controlling well meaning being but burned that bridge completely and tonight I am at peace which has not been the case for months. It affected my mind and heart. Content tonight.

So being at my finest today until I learn to control my empathic abilities. Much to learn but have good guidance now and I don’t question my existence anymore. Prior to tonight I was walking with my hands bound into this person’s garden. Shame and all the emotions that go with that were my constant state of confusion and best friend. no more.

Poor in body. I guess I am that now but don’t wish to focus on that tonight hoping that the infection in my root of my tooth will be taken care of Tuesday with expensive extraction and implant after. Knee problems, hip bursitis, thyroid disorder (Hashimoto’s thyroiditis) and more. But somehow I walked 5 miles today and got much done despite lack of sleep which is both mental and physical connection.

I’ll keep going until I die! None of my issues are life threatening though at the moment so there’s good in that. I’ve always had physical health issues since childhood so I’m used to it. I try not to complain; Hope I’m not now.

Poor in spirit I am not. Rituals surround me and try to do good in all I do for me, my family and friends and the world. Since I was a child, I have always helped others except when I was using drugs and alcohol. Coming up on 9 months of recovery and have now a new focus for my days. I’m sometimes religious but not tonight . All religions interest me until they don’t make sense so tonight I claim no particular faith.

It is good for some and I stand in no judgment for those who choose it or who don’t. One of my dearest friends is secular and from them I glean much insight into whatever problem presents itself in my life.

I just try to live my life to the fullest every day I can and I believe that is all any of us can ever really do. When I see a need and it is in my power to help, I do.

Poor in finances is actually what I wish to focus on for many in this world are fighting to survive and support their families. I can only share my experience with this. My adult daughter calls it luck but I prefer to call it something else entirely. Some would say faith others fate and me well im not really sure why but I have been poor and happier than when I’ve had much and been disordered like now.

Being poor requires a certain discipline, a constant decision of what is most necessary for me to be ok. I don’t need much to be happy except love and I am blessed with that as well. My parents scrimped and saved and we often went without. But we were happy for Saturday night’s when we got to eat a frozen pizza sometimes.

Contentment is not found in things despite what the world teaches us.

But having a house and car is a certain security that many do not have. I’ve walked my share of miles in dirty sneakers with holes being without a home or car and still been happy. Wanting more at those times in my life always created discontentment so I made due and pretended I had more when I was cold and hungry. In the end I always got exactly what I needed and that hasn’t ever stopped happening yet.

For I believe our happiness does not rest in our material possessions although I do take comfort in my cozy bed but I have been just as content sleeping on a bench or the floor. Just can’t stand the cold.

Can anyone relate to my musings tonight?

What can you not live without?

For me it is love that is the glue to my existence and I just recently found that out.

So if you are loved by anyone feel grateful even if it is a fur friend. For love is truly all that matters in the end.

Peace

Victoria

Midnight musings…

My soul is at peace tonight

God is good 😊

I miss the drama though and there has been much this week but also a healing of sorts in my life.

I am back in recovery mode and am enjoying my meetings again although sometimes it still hurts to work the steps honestly and thoroughly. But it is all good 😊

I learned this week how to make a proper amends . To say sorry for whatever is needed and then no buts after. And then move on in my recovery from addiction. A painful process but that is why I am at peace tonight.

I’m still having many physical problems but learning how to navigate them as well. Next week I have 5 or 6 appointments for mental and physical health issues. All will be well I feel because there is a reason for each and every one of them.

I’m therapy I’m learning how to be present for every moment in my day and it is much easier being sober to do so. Monday will be 8 months off of weed and yesterday was 7 months since my dad passed away. But even though these two events coincided it is good to ponder tonight how blessed I am.

I’m blessed because I am loved 🥰 by so many, blessed because I am alive and blessed because life is mostly wonderful. And when the hard times come again I will still say God is good 😊

For I did not ask for an easy life so how can I ever complain about anything?

Wishing you all much peace and joy no matter what life serves you. Just keep looking up ⬆️ and all will work out.

Out of my hands 🙌🏻

Aahhh! Life is so strange often…

But I’m doing the best with all that is on my plate as my dad would say quite often… I like quoting him. He had great wisdom. Thanks dad!

While I recover from my recent psychotic episode and deal with thyroid issues I have more time on my hands and feel inclined to blog.

Upcoming is a guest article on how to help someone who is suicidal, it’s wonderful and well written and will be posting it soon. Also I am going to be sharing more stories of my crazy teenage life and how a lie from my dad when I was living on the streets of New York City circa 1988 saved my life from drug addiction! I just found out about the lie he told from my mom! Thanks mom♥️

This blog is going in a different direction I feel inclined to write about addiction and recovery because that’s where I’m at. And that’s what I’ve always done since starting this blog in 2013!

I just celebrated 6 months off weed and 7 months off alcohol! A miracle from God or my Higher Power I prefer the term nowadays. Life is much better off the drugs for sure.

Peace love and light to all ♥️

Michelle aka Victoria

Still looking up…

Hard week on many levels. But it’s over and moving forward with as much excitement as I can muster.

No one supports my new healthy lifestyle. This is a big surprise to me! But I must do it for me then and no one else. Must find my footing once again.

I didn’t write this week. Nor blog . Nor journal. I am afraid of what I will find I suppose. Writing does this for me. It is a reflection of my state of my soul.

Any way around it I refuse to feel guilty but accept this time of rest and quiet reflection.

On the other hand I feel I am exactly where I am supposed to be…

I won’t stay away anyway. I must write my ups and downs and it was a down week!

I emit to the universe all my needs and wants and help me to know what that is!!!

Peace love light and joy

Victoria

Worldwide blogging, that’s what I’m talking about…

I feel like I travel around the world 🌎 when I check my stats and see so many different countries… it’s wonderful really and I feel connected to each person reading or sharing this blog.

I am back at aa and have a tuff sponsor. Stopping drinking isn’t the problem but staying stopped is. I am also seeing a new doctor who is not a psychiatrist but has experience with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. We shall see!

Rough start and late afternoon difficult conversation with someone dear to me. Please say a prayer for this person 🙏

Thanks and peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

Power, love, and synchronicity…

Power because we are not powerless. We have to strive for better days than most this year.

I welcome you to search this blog for a few more days any topic you are interested in. I may have blogged about it. Search symbol is at top left. Only will be there a few more days because I can’t afford it.

Back to power. We do have power with our choices. We can make better choices by reading and researching problematic issues in our lives. Do not let the power go.

One example is that I was very cold and my heater is broke so I decided to dance to George Michael (don’t tell Jason mraz please) and warm up! It worked! I used my power to change how I felt.

Change isn’t easy but one good choice leads to another and so on. If needed get a new perspective from a good friend or therapist. Change things up! Get crazy!

Love

Love is all I have right now. I love a lot and am loved too. This is important to recognize because sometimes I forget and gets sad. Growing up I felt unloved and unwanted. But it wasn’t that bad I am just extremely sensitive. I don’t hate this anymore.

Had a hard day today but love is carrying me through.

Synchronicity

Sometimes things work out so perfectly and other times not. Troubled waters are here again due to varying factors but I am still looking up to Him who made heaven and earth 🌍.

Today I read a great quote that went something like this – Lord why do you lead me through troubled waters? He replied that is because it is there your enemies can’t swim.

Still thinking about that one a while…

Peace love light and joy

Pax

Victoria