Poverty at its lowest and finest…

I am not poor today but have been in my life many times.

Poor in mind, poor in spirit, poor in body and lastly but not least poor in finances.

Tonight I soar with the light being free from the most unusual situation I have alluded to on here. Telepathic situation of feeling another’s hold on my mind. A controlling well meaning being but burned that bridge completely and tonight I am at peace which has not been the case for months. It affected my mind and heart. Content tonight.

So being at my finest today until I learn to control my empathic abilities. Much to learn but have good guidance now and I don’t question my existence anymore. Prior to tonight I was walking with my hands bound into this person’s garden. Shame and all the emotions that go with that were my constant state of confusion and best friend. no more.

Poor in body. I guess I am that now but don’t wish to focus on that tonight hoping that the infection in my root of my tooth will be taken care of Tuesday with expensive extraction and implant after. Knee problems, hip bursitis, thyroid disorder (Hashimoto’s thyroiditis) and more. But somehow I walked 5 miles today and got much done despite lack of sleep which is both mental and physical connection.

I’ll keep going until I die! None of my issues are life threatening though at the moment so there’s good in that. I’ve always had physical health issues since childhood so I’m used to it. I try not to complain; Hope I’m not now.

Poor in spirit I am not. Rituals surround me and try to do good in all I do for me, my family and friends and the world. Since I was a child, I have always helped others except when I was using drugs and alcohol. Coming up on 9 months of recovery and have now a new focus for my days. I’m sometimes religious but not tonight . All religions interest me until they don’t make sense so tonight I claim no particular faith.

It is good for some and I stand in no judgment for those who choose it or who don’t. One of my dearest friends is secular and from them I glean much insight into whatever problem presents itself in my life.

I just try to live my life to the fullest every day I can and I believe that is all any of us can ever really do. When I see a need and it is in my power to help, I do.

Poor in finances is actually what I wish to focus on for many in this world are fighting to survive and support their families. I can only share my experience with this. My adult daughter calls it luck but I prefer to call it something else entirely. Some would say faith others fate and me well im not really sure why but I have been poor and happier than when I’ve had much and been disordered like now.

Being poor requires a certain discipline, a constant decision of what is most necessary for me to be ok. I don’t need much to be happy except love and I am blessed with that as well. My parents scrimped and saved and we often went without. But we were happy for Saturday night’s when we got to eat a frozen pizza sometimes.

Contentment is not found in things despite what the world teaches us.

But having a house and car is a certain security that many do not have. I’ve walked my share of miles in dirty sneakers with holes being without a home or car and still been happy. Wanting more at those times in my life always created discontentment so I made due and pretended I had more when I was cold and hungry. In the end I always got exactly what I needed and that hasn’t ever stopped happening yet.

For I believe our happiness does not rest in our material possessions although I do take comfort in my cozy bed but I have been just as content sleeping on a bench or the floor. Just can’t stand the cold.

Can anyone relate to my musings tonight?

What can you not live without?

For me it is love that is the glue to my existence and I just recently found that out.

So if you are loved by anyone feel grateful even if it is a fur friend. For love is truly all that matters in the end.

Peace

Victoria

Worldwide blogging, that’s what I’m talking about…

I feel like I travel around the world 🌎 when I check my stats and see so many different countries… it’s wonderful really and I feel connected to each person reading or sharing this blog.

I am back at aa and have a tuff sponsor. Stopping drinking isn’t the problem but staying stopped is. I am also seeing a new doctor who is not a psychiatrist but has experience with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder. We shall see!

Rough start and late afternoon difficult conversation with someone dear to me. Please say a prayer for this person 🙏

Thanks and peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

Is there a number able to count?

I have relapsed several times, some psychotic breaks, some anxiety attacks, some depression and the list goes on…

And each time I have relapsed I have gotten weaker in my ability to recover….

But I don’t give up.  I listen to Jason Mraz I won’t give up and I sing along.

Even though these relapses are behind me, they still affect me greatly.

Pax

Victoria

I will be reentering the workforce!

So after a month of interviewing with this one mattress store, after my third interview, I got the call that I got the job!  I was ecstatic to say the least.  I start right away and it will be 40 hours a week.

So this means I am giving up on permanent disability for now and really trying to see if I can make it at a less stressful job.  I think it will be fine because I did work for several years at a stressful job and going to work everyday wasn’t the problem, it was the stressful clients.  This job will be much less stress and I should make some pretty good money.

We celebrated naturally last night and went to a steakhouse with my immediate family although my dear daughter wasn’t there nor my youngest son (sad face) but my eldest was there with his girlfriend and my husband so it was pretty cool.

The sad part is that I will not get to see my dad as much working full time but I know I will still go.  My visits with him have gotten shorter anyway because he really is not with it and he doesn’t talk at all except occasionally.  I am doing well with his eminent death.  From the stages of grief I think I am in the acceptance stage.  I love him dearly and don’t want him to die but I know it will happen sooner or later.  It is my mom I worry about more because she is so frail and not doing well but I will still help her out on my days off and be there for her as much as possible.

All in all it will be a good thing that I am working, for the money, for my sanity, to feel productive, to force myself to get out of my house….  My pdoc is ok with it so that is cool!

I still have some days when I don’t feel like I can handle life very well.  One day last week it was super hot and I had a major anxiety attack at Church.  But we left early and I went home and felt better.

Has the heat ever caused any of you to have an anxiety attack like that?

Well that is enough rambling about me.  Will keep you all posted on how work goes!  I start Saturday so that will be great and one word for you ladies!  I need work clothes so…

SHOPPING!!!! lol

Pax

Victoria

 

It’s a new beautiful day

Sometimes life just gets hard.  It is hard to know the right thing to do especially when one suffers from mental illness.  I am dually diagnosed, I suffer from addiction along with Schizoaffective disorder.  I fight it though and am happy to say that today I am clean and sober and taking my mental illness meds as prescribed.  It is not every day that I can say that, but I have hope for many more days like today to come, one day at a time.

I have new hope that God will carry me through when I cannot lift myself up even in prayer.

The great part is that there are these really good people in my life today who help me to see the positive side of things.  Negative people have a very small place in my life.  If I could I would eliminate them altogether but when they are immediate family it is very hard.  I try to be positive with them, always pointing out the good in every situation and lately there have been some situations which just suck!  But I do my best and I think I am doing a really great job with what life has given me.

I will leave you with this prayer which I try to live each day.  It really helps me to get through everything with grace and dignity.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (you),

the courage to change the things I can (me)

and the wisdom to know the difference”

Amen

Pax

Victoria

A new passion in life is always good!

 

I have recently started hiking again and it has really helped my mood.  Getting out in nature with my hiking boots on, sunscreen applied and a hat to boot makes for a great day.  The best part is I found a hiking partner so I don’t have to always hike alone!

The air is usually warm these days and the views are spectacular.  I hike in the mountains, by the beach and on local trails that have pretty plants.

When one has this disorder it is a really good thing to find something to be passionate about again post diagnosis.  Finding joy in life is just one more step in the right direction of recovering from this dastard disorder!

If you are newly diagnosed spend some time trying out new things to get passionate about and your life will improve!  Trust me.  I have tried many things and some of them I like and others I can do without.

Gardening is another hobby I have which really soothes the demons inside; watching new vegetables appear seemingly overnight is a wonder in itself and supplies me with much gratitude to God for giving us such an ability to help plants grow and produce.

I am grateful today for many things, my family, my friends, my dogs, my garden, the days I get to hike and for finally eating a healthy balanced diet.  These things are important to me and help me on this road to recovery.

Even though I can’t work, I can do more to help myself.  I study Spanish daily, write, read challenging books and articles, try different workouts on Sparkpeople, and cook and eat healthy.  I get enough sleep and practice prayer and meditation every day.

I have a good outlook on life and it is thanks to God and the desire I have to be the best me diagnosis and all!

Pax

Victoria

We are not our diagnosis, no we are much more

I read that somewhere on line one day and the thought has really stuck with me.  That is one reason why I usually say I have a disorder not that I am mentally ill.  The brain misfires I understand and causes us to hear, see and believe strange things to be true.  It is not a sickness like a cold.  It is kind of like if we have a broken arm; our brains don’t work properly but with medicine they can.

So when people refer to people with Schizophrenia as schizo or schizophrenic I just cringe.  I have Schizophrenia but am so much more.  I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a friend, a sister etc…  To define me by my diagnosis is simply unfair.  But life is not fair; life has taught me that.  Some people will always judge us as incomplete or ill but I choose my words to describe my disorder carefully and share with a select few.

I choose as Mahatma Gandhi taught to: ‘Be the change that you wish to see in the world.’

Pax

Victoria