How does it feel?

A poem of sorts today after hearing a sad story of addiction at its worst, an od (overdose)

How does it feel to be dead inside of you?

So dead that drugs overcome you

an empty searching for nothing that will truly help

Only bringing pain and loss and pain to those that love you …

Death comes welcomed to those who are dead inside

Hope is elusive

Hope is in an afterlife

Hope is in relief from the pain of living in addiction

Hope is all I have tonight that I will never use drugs again

Hope in God, Hope In me and mankind and all that is good in my life and this world

Hope that I can pursue my dreams and even when I fail, Hope that I will try again and again and again

Peace to all

RIP dear drug addict who might die tonight and all those who have already died of drug addiction

There but for the grace of God go I

V

My evil side…

Deception, manipulation among others lurk at my lowest moments…

If I’m not hiding it, I’m internally a wreck, even while doing so. Did that just make sense? I hope you get the jist.

But I attempt to embrace these parts of myself in some form of shadow work. I am alive even though at times I feel so lost and am not always in touch with my emotions.

How do you feel? How ya doing?

I like when people who care ask me that, heck I like it when my fitbit asks me that in the morning some days. It makes me stop, pause, and think, how am I doing? Tonight, at peace, always sad because of my dad and now the loss of my brother in law…

Time may heal but the loss is huge and stays with me part of every day. My dad is my hero and I look to him still for much comfort, which comes often despite his current paralyzed state. 4 and a half years since his stroke and he keeps going. I think what I like the most besides his stories when I was little is how he notices things still. That is all I will say about my dad tonight.

I’m good though, content, happy to be with my family as the nation goes back into lock down mode. At least where I live. There will be lots of chess games with my son and walks with my daughter and extracurricular activities with my husband as we continue to work through 3 refinances and much paperwork for his new business and managing the properties. We have fun to though but more often we are working together on our projects that are never ending.

Thoughts about getting some drugs yesterday after finding out about a friend’s daughter in law tried to OD the other night. I did a lot of crazy drugs in my day; lsd, pcp, cools, cocaine, mj, crystal meth, and any pill I could try. I still have an attracting to getting messed up but deny this impulse and keep things cool.

It’s a good night anyway so will leave you now with positive thoughts and vibes and wish you all a wonderful week.

pax

Victoria