Does anyone else see defeat as feedback?

Like the fact that I can’t work because of my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder? Yet there is always enough money… and more even?

To do as I wish along with my duties and much joy even as I relax tonight with restful yoga and my dog at my feet. I’m doing a 30 day challenge for yoga 🧘‍♀️. I’ve done 4 out of 8 days which before was 0 out of 4!

I’m learning how to love myself as I am, learning what I enjoy, need and figure out how to be.

This is feedback my friends. This is real. If I was working I wouldn’t have time to reflect on all of this. Music is always my companion. As I look into myself for answers within placed there by the rhythm of the Universe, some of it love, and some assurance I am in Gods Will.

When I speak of love I do not mean attachment to people but rather obliteration of self and all beliefs that do not serve me well in this moment…

That is all;that is enough

Stay tuned for our next guest article I have requested a specific subject of interest for those with mental health disorders. We shall see 😊

Midnight musings…

My soul is at peace tonight

God is good 😊

I miss the drama though and there has been much this week but also a healing of sorts in my life.

I am back in recovery mode and am enjoying my meetings again although sometimes it still hurts to work the steps honestly and thoroughly. But it is all good 😊

I learned this week how to make a proper amends . To say sorry for whatever is needed and then no buts after. And then move on in my recovery from addiction. A painful process but that is why I am at peace tonight.

I’m still having many physical problems but learning how to navigate them as well. Next week I have 5 or 6 appointments for mental and physical health issues. All will be well I feel because there is a reason for each and every one of them.

I’m therapy I’m learning how to be present for every moment in my day and it is much easier being sober to do so. Monday will be 8 months off of weed and yesterday was 7 months since my dad passed away. But even though these two events coincided it is good to ponder tonight how blessed I am.

I’m blessed because I am loved 🥰 by so many, blessed because I am alive and blessed because life is mostly wonderful. And when the hard times come again I will still say God is good 😊

For I did not ask for an easy life so how can I ever complain about anything?

Wishing you all much peace and joy no matter what life serves you. Just keep looking up ⬆️ and all will work out.

The fever came again and now to tempt fate or ignore the messages??

I wrote Sunday that I won’t give up when the fever comes again…

The fever came shortly after blogging…

I didn’t give up!

But now I am faced with a choice in the next 8 minutes and can’t decide whether to have compassion on myself or another soul.

I am not in angst over the decision.

I trust in God to lead me as I have prayed for His will be done.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my therapist to discuss fate. Light subject. 7 minutes to decide.

And then another therapy apt. the next day to discuss more on whatever the heck is on my mind. 6 minutes away. Who will win the clock will soon tell.

The fever that came was in the form of food poisoning, a drunk husband, financial woes. And if that wasn’t enough (5 minutes) I woke up the next morning and doubled up accidentally on one of my many meds that does not help anxiety. I have none right now so perhaps it is ok to meet fate. 3 minutes away.

So yesterday was a write off. I was still recovering from the food poisoning, my husband’s irritations about ??? and finances once again being what they are. 2 minutes. I had to call poison control, the doctor and the pharmacy in the reverse order. One minute!!!!!!!!!!

Divine intervention has won

I will just say this about meeting fate. There are still gentlemen in this world 🌎

And a thank you to the gentleman who honored my space tonight.

Perfect peace tonight except for a stomach ache, 3 nights in a row now??? Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to folklorico with my daughter so hoping it goes away.

I gotta get it together, mind and body but spirit is good. Thanks God for a good productive day. Not perfect but satisfying…

The angels 👼 surround us always…

That is who you are

Even if we don’t believe that there are many angels 😇 here now~ I can feel them and tonight my late father who was never late on earth and tonight was right on time from heaven above 👆

But let me tell the story before the beautiful ending which is for me a renewed joy and beginning once again!

I have recently lost another friend, who was my support in recovery ❤️‍🩹, my confidant my favorite person to share my disorder with. I miss the friendship very much but still see this person in my recovery group. They shared tonight that they are getting used to change…

I had a good day, great actually. My dog doesn’t need surgery after 3 weeks or more of not knowing. After the vet, I visited my mom who is back in my life in a way we have never known before. There was even a time up till 3 weeks ago when I couldn’t even have a picture of her without my late dad! But today we took my pup on a stroll and just enjoying the day, the beautiful weather, the well doggie 🐶 and each other.

We never know when a healing will take place or when more suffering will come.

I am not indifferent these days like I was when I was using weed and alcohol to numb out from all my pain. I feel things strongly now which can be good or bad. I am grateful today that I can feel!

So after my time with my mom♥️, I attended my recovery meeting where I got clean off weed 7 months and 14 days ago. The meeting was on something about change and I shared as did the recovery friend I was close to. I left the meeting right after thanking the host.

The next 2 hours I spent mad at God. But I must trust that He/She knows best for me in all situations, but during that two hour pity party the thought of taking a drink did cross my mind but didn’t entertain it and had a burnt cookie 🍪 instead. Did I mention I am trying to quit all forms of sugar starting today? The cookie helped and during this time I realized something.

That was that it is my twin dogs 🐕 birthday tonight at midnight 🕛 because they are leap year puppies and are ten years old in about an hour. I decided to celebrate and brushed them both and put pretty bows on them and danced around and gave them treats! Sent pictures to a few who care about me and my dogs 🐶!

Did some chores and finally sat down listening to the end of my favorite new worship album. I looked at my Fitbit and it was 10:18 which is my dad’s birthday on earth 🌍. I kissed my watch and checked it again and lo and behold it was 10:19.

I knew it was a message from my dad, the best dad ever comforting me from heaven. Tears 😭 streamed down my face and I knew that there were many angels 👼 surrounding me, one of them my dad in heaven.

Thanks for reading this far. God blessings to you all and may we always trust in God’s will for us now and always ♥️🙏😊🐶

Sober another 24 hours and grateful for all those in my life and those who have passed on and all who have helped me be who I am today…

I won’t give up…

The Universe is at work and play still in my strange existence upon this earth 🌍

But I have learned that I am brave to not give up ever despite all the hardships I have faced recently and through the years.

I keep looking up for answers because that is all I can do. Be brave with me and always remember that crying is not a sign of weakness but rather that we are brave!

If you are reading this know you are loved by the One who made you in your inquisite wonderfulness. Forget all the diagnostic crap for just a second and feel the love. From me those around you and for the Creator of all that is good for us in this life and the next! Trust the process and you will do well now and ever!

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria

Out of my hands 🙌🏻

Aahhh! Life is so strange often…

But I’m doing the best with all that is on my plate as my dad would say quite often… I like quoting him. He had great wisdom. Thanks dad!

While I recover from my recent psychotic episode and deal with thyroid issues I have more time on my hands and feel inclined to blog.

Upcoming is a guest article on how to help someone who is suicidal, it’s wonderful and well written and will be posting it soon. Also I am going to be sharing more stories of my crazy teenage life and how a lie from my dad when I was living on the streets of New York City circa 1988 saved my life from drug addiction! I just found out about the lie he told from my mom! Thanks mom♥️

This blog is going in a different direction I feel inclined to write about addiction and recovery because that’s where I’m at. And that’s what I’ve always done since starting this blog in 2013!

I just celebrated 6 months off weed and 7 months off alcohol! A miracle from God or my Higher Power I prefer the term nowadays. Life is much better off the drugs for sure.

Peace love and light to all ♥️

Michelle aka Victoria

esoteric moments…

we are all rare, who share this disorder, schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or any serious brain health disorder.

and now i speak for me, i do not know what the future holds for me or any of you all. i am not a saint nor enlightened. i am confused about much but yet not unsettled about anything. most importantly I am not psychotic nor a danger to myself or others…

why do i write this? because i have some decisions to be made today, now, in this hour or maybe I should just take a nap like yesterday and never get those 4 hours back…

I needed the sleep so do not regret it but had to reschedule an appointment for taxes.

So much change I don’t know which way is up. As I find my feet for the ground, I must share that my psychiatrist appointment that cost $300 was well worth it if only I can take his advisement. oh if it were that simple. how i struggle right now for now knowing what to do…

peace love light and joy

Victoria

The remedy at least for me…

I asked God today for direction and guidance. I have done this before and been amazed at the results. It’s a simple quiet prayer asking to know His will…

Interesting what comes up, do more of this, less of that and so on. Today a dear friend is coming over. It will be fun! I lit some candles and tidied the front room. I don’t have many visitors. Maybe one for 500 of my husbands. He has famous barbecues every week and lots of car buddies. I am content like this as I have my family with me and you never know when things will get hectic.

My husband is off for 2 weeks! Creativity at many levels. Again without the vices that lower my vibration. Must is a word I have found helpful. Must be sober, must write more, must exercise. Why? Because it helps me to live up to my innermost desires, which I believe are not too lofty.

I have always searched for the truth…justifications, excuses, distractions prevent me from living it, but sometimes like yesterday it was the perfect balance of activity, rest and relaxation. It’s the little things sometimes that make my day. Like last night, I went to be with clean sheets and blankets and took a long shower so clean me, clean bed. Went to bed at a decent hour and now ready for the day.

The choices we make today reflect our tomorrows!

So I choose good things again and again.

Have to lose 20 pounds! Bummer but I got this.

peace love light and joy

pax

Victoria

My mission statement at last…

Victoria here!  Greetings to all as I begin a new leg of my journey through recovery from Schizoaffective Disorder.

My mission statement was prompted as homework for my therapist and it was easy to choose my mantra,

“To do no harm to others or myself”

I’ve published a book recently call “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is available through Amazon and I plead if this book touches you in any way to please write a review and help more people learn about living with Schizophrenia and what it means to them, me and others not yet reached around the world.

I am currently doing well, but may change medications again shortly because the side effects of Clozapine are so numerous, weight gain, tremors in my hands, pain in my hands and other various parts of my body depending on the day, and tiredness which I combat with Nivigil but still am sleeping 12 hours a day or more.

I am also still awaiting a decision from permanent disability for the second time around this merry-go-round.  Filling up papers, asking others to write on my behalf and countless days still waiting for some good news on the home front.

I am trying to figure out how to generate some income through this site but am not sure how to go about it yet so must be patient.

I apologize for my lack of presence on the web  this past year…

Short recap~

My dad had a stroke July 2, 2016 which he almost died, then had another stroke later on and almost died again.  This all contributed to a major decline in my mental health and led to the abuse of alcohol and marijuana and cigarettes until my husband got very frustrated and kicked me out for my disease of addiction.

I prayed to God and ended up in the 12 step rooms and am happy to report I am now clean and sober and not even smoking cigarettes anymore.  Haven’t given up on sugar for now and unfortunately have gained some weight and love living a sober life.

My medications currently are helping with the delusions but I still believe some of them and have personally seen the hand of God move in my life when I am not in His will.

I am able to get much done recently mainly due to the fact that my middle child, my nana, moved home to help mom and even though she works two jobs I get to spend a lot of time with her which is always good.  I am grateful for all my three children though as each one of them helps in their personal way.

Recovery can be elusive at times and sometimes I feel like I am doing worse than before and the opposite at other times.  Life has its ups and downs so even though it feels like I am on a roller coaster at times I trust in God’s good will for me and all of creation!

God bless and take care,

Pax

Victoria