Beautiful day and evening last night…

This is me today. Just a trickle of water at a water fall an hour away! Took the drive by myself so I could come and go as I wish from husband’s Vw car show! 303 Volkswagens from as far as Washington to here in California! With a tribute to last year’s winner of oldest driver of a Vw being 92 who passed away this last year ❤️. Families with dogs and kids abounded with glee at all the different types of Volkswagens present.

But me not impressed with cars hiked upwards to the falls. It got colder as I moved my legs and snapped this photo to remember the exhilarating feeling of success. I said hello to several fellow hikers and made friends with one dog. It was a good day with 3 miles in total.

I’m tired tonight.

Yesterday was recovery from the previous days of angst . I’m telling my story backwards though so bear with me as I start at the beginning.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He was out with his best friend and I had the house to myself all night. It was glorious!

I attended two recovery meetings and was of service on accident lol and shared at both meetings. It was good and I’m grateful once again for my sobriety!

After I journaled, took a lovely bath and did short yoga 🧘‍♀️ stretching. Then I stayed up late researching the internet for a situation that baffles me. It helped especially since it had to do with psychology and love. Didn’t find the answer but ruled out quite a bit of confusion in my mind.

Woke up early today and was at peace. Found a new obsession of an app called Blinkist that gives snippets of books and the main ideas of much information I am interested in. Listened to 5 summaries and read 3.

Then I headed out for my adventure. I don’t have any close friends so I decided to call it my solo adventure. It was grand! I like me and enjoyed my own company very much. I stopped when and where I wanted to and listened to my music and thought a lot about the past month and a half.

Progress not perfection as we say it in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I will sleep well tonight, that is after editing my writing ✍️ piece on suicidal thinking. It’s called “The ocean calls to me often “ and if all goes well I will be posting it tomorrow.

It is sad with dare I call it hope but the truth of my mad existence.

So stay tuned and wishing all my readers some peaceful days amongst the hard ones!

How do I keep busy while I await….

I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…

I have applied for a job which I might get…

But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.

I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.

Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours.  I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.

I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on.  I also just bought a windchime for the front.  Not windy right now though.

I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations.  This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January.  It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year.  I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to.  Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?

I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts.  I enjoy giving.  IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.

I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication.  Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently.  I have candles burning for different requests.  One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones.  To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!

I do not have much anxiety right now which is good.  I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.

I have a certain sadness because of my dad.  Hoping he makes it another Christmas…

Pax

Victoria

Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.

Pax

Victoria

Exercise, my dear dad and art oh my!

Now that exercise has become a daily habit it seems like I am not even disordered anymore.  New muscles seem to pop up as I vary my workouts daily to keep my body guessing.  Today I went on a 4 mile uphill downhill hike.  My feet are very tired but I feel good from the hike and know I will sleep good tonight like usual.

Thank you to all of you who shared what exercises you are doing to stay mentally fit.  I just love life these days, with each new day presenting a new opportunity to feel great through exercise.  I joined two hiking clubs, one is silent meditation hiking and the other one is more social and fast paced.  I like the silent hikes better.  I believe talking is overrated.  I would much rather pray and observe nature in silence…. That being said I did receive a thought while on one of the silent meditation hikes in thinking a lot about my father and when he will die.  The thought was that death is not a separation…  This gives me hope that after he passes I will still feel connected to him although his body will no longer be present.  But for now he is still with us and I enjoy every minute I get to spend with him.  Today as I was leaving he was making oogly faces when I told him I was going to bring him more ressus peanut butter cup ice cream.  He just loved it!  These small moments leave me so happy!

The next time I see my pdoc in April I am going to discuss with him how to check if I still need the anti-anxiety meds  and what is the best way to try going without, to taper down or just skip a dosage.  I always check with my pdoc before changing any medication.

Can’t remember if I shared on here about taking an art class working with pewter but my art class is fun too and is very social.  I am so picky when it comes to people but I really enjoy this small community of artists.  I have made one good friend within the group, which I find as I get older is more rare than common.  My “creation” piece is almost outlined and then I will start embossing certain areas.  I will post a pic of it when it is done.  I will still need to mount the pewter to wood and add finishing touches.  I don’t work on it every day but only when I am in the mood and then it is therapeutic.  If I work on it when I am not in the mood it feels forced and isn’t enjoyable but more of a chore.

As I continue to branch out and get involved in the community I have more hope.  I still may work again but that remains to be seen so I am not worried about it right now.  Still waiting on my permanent disability hearing.  It has been a year but my lawyers say it may take 18 months now:(

Pax

Victoria

 

A new passion in life is always good!

 

I have recently started hiking again and it has really helped my mood.  Getting out in nature with my hiking boots on, sunscreen applied and a hat to boot makes for a great day.  The best part is I found a hiking partner so I don’t have to always hike alone!

The air is usually warm these days and the views are spectacular.  I hike in the mountains, by the beach and on local trails that have pretty plants.

When one has this disorder it is a really good thing to find something to be passionate about again post diagnosis.  Finding joy in life is just one more step in the right direction of recovering from this dastard disorder!

If you are newly diagnosed spend some time trying out new things to get passionate about and your life will improve!  Trust me.  I have tried many things and some of them I like and others I can do without.

Gardening is another hobby I have which really soothes the demons inside; watching new vegetables appear seemingly overnight is a wonder in itself and supplies me with much gratitude to God for giving us such an ability to help plants grow and produce.

I am grateful today for many things, my family, my friends, my dogs, my garden, the days I get to hike and for finally eating a healthy balanced diet.  These things are important to me and help me on this road to recovery.

Even though I can’t work, I can do more to help myself.  I study Spanish daily, write, read challenging books and articles, try different workouts on Sparkpeople, and cook and eat healthy.  I get enough sleep and practice prayer and meditation every day.

I have a good outlook on life and it is thanks to God and the desire I have to be the best me diagnosis and all!

Pax

Victoria