Shifted my priorities…feeling happy 😃

Today has been a good day. Haven’t been wasting my time on things that make no sense.

Lots of gardening 👩‍🌾, podcasts on nutrition for brain health, studying supplements and making some good observations, and organizing my blog. I updated my about on the top menu and added a contact page.

Much chaos in my house because my husband is off with many projects and literally every room and the backyard is a mess lol but I’ll work on it later. Right now I’m finishing planting my flowers 💐 in my side garden happy today…

I also started a new gratitude practice which has nothing to do with making lists or journaling! It’s narrative but can be done mentally once one gets the idea.

So in simple words- choose a time in your life when there was a struggle, the outcome and how you felt about it emotionally 🖤. Positive story of your own or from reading about something that moved you positively.

I wrote it out the first time but it’s basically your brain appreciating someone thanking you for something helpful you or another did. Does that all make sense?

I’m basically summarizing an hour long podcast In just a few words. So I’ll provide an example…

A promising female student in Africa got pregnant and feared her sponsors and the school would force her to quit school and basically not use her many scientific gifts.

After much worries she decided to be honest with all and they encouraged her to finish school and she is now raising her daughter and received the reward student of the year.

They also because of her situation, began a new program for girls to learn about reproductive health.

This makes me appreciate everyone for not letting one mistake ruin her life and that much good came out of it. Makes me feel grateful and gives me hope for people to be more forgiving and open to new help for others.

This gratitude practice can take a minute or more and it is good to practice it any time of day , 3 or more days a week. Returning to the same story that made you feel grateful is good but also be open to new narratives.

Today one of my followers made me feel grateful for a poem she wrote that felt like was meant for me after my hard day yesterday. I may never know if it was God blessing me or if she wrote with that intention. But it helped lighten my day!

Off to gardening now!

Peace

Victoria

I won’t give up…or worry

Much angst today telling my woes through writing about ___…

I’m depleted of my good energy but I’m still looking up and bought some beautiful flowers 🌸 at our local nursery. Will plant them this evening…

I also prayed for Divine Will in my life and all I do after praying for all my loved ones and the world 🌎

I have peace once again and I don’t intend to lose it again…

I have come so far! I have overcome so much! I will not be defeated in spirit!

My mind and body might be tired but I took a Power Nap exactly 2:39-3:39 (my Fitbit keeps track) and all the numbers I see are in perfect order for me to move forward…

Learning what I am and what I’m not is an important lesson. I have new philosophical connections and even a publisher who might be interested in my writing on Logotherapy and it’s connection to schizophrenia.

This is a radical shift. Without… in my life I am progressing. This is how it ought to be. This is how it is. This is how it will be.

I have an important date coming up in 3 days with an intriguing decision to make. I will not worry about it. I will know what to do that day. God will lead me.

Sending love 💕

Victoria

Fought with God and lost but I’m the lucky one…

God has spoken, not a voice but another situation has led me to believe that I cannot think about working or pursuing my doctorate. I accept.

My time will be devoted to writing for free to give others and myself hope and meaning in this sometimes hard life…

That is all for tonight.

God is good and I truly feel I am not psychotic but the lucky one!

I accept my limitations and embrace my future…

Because I am strong, brave, willing and as honest as one can be given any situation.

good night

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Embarking on the path to doctorate in Philosophy…

Yesterday, the stars aligned for me. I finally found a University that has everything I want in my next step in life. CIIS came to my attention and found the perfect degree that interests and excites me. I didn’t know it even existed. That’s how life can be…

One minute you can think this is all I am going to get out of life, and the next new doors are opened with a glimpse of what I never thought possible~ to get my doctorate in Philosophy, Cosmology and Consciousness at CIIS.

My best friend recently got her doctorate there in Transpersonal Psychology. I wasn’t even looking for a school, nor even dreamed it possible. Then yesterday at our brunch to celebrate life, I shared with her how I almost got scammed with a worthless doctorate from a stuffy school. She proffered why I didn’t consider her University. She mentioned a doctorate in Anthropology and I was immediately interested. But after we parted ways after a lovely time together, which is not often because best friends don’t need to spend every minute together I have learned, I actually found my niche degree.

On further research, I learned a degree in Anthropology would be about politics, which is not my interest. I wish to write about things that matter to me and to the world in a way I can make an impact, a profound contribution to mankind. So I looked at the 25 degrees they offered and found my match. Allow me to break it down in a minute. After I found my degree which makes perfect sense to me I signed up for a introduction session on May 17th. They sent me a link to a video which speaks on my degree and I was so excited that I decided to sign up for entry Spring 2023! I am now emitting to the Universe the means to either get a full scholarship or the money to pay for it outright. I feel if it is meant to be it will all come together.

Breaking down my degree:

Doctorate in Philosophy, Cosmology and Consciousness~

Philosophy- the study of the fundamental nature of knowledge, reality, and existence.

Cosmology- field of study that brings together the natural sciences, particularly astronomy and physics, in a joint effort to understand the physical universe as a unified whole.

And last but not least-

Consciousness- the quality or state of being aware especially of something within oneself.

This all fits nicely with what my May series is about this year. And how man is unity despite multiplicity, one human being with 3 aspects, mind, body and spirit. I don’t have words to describe how I see my future in studying these 3 areas of my doctorate. It’s like too perfect to be true.

Even if I don’t get a job, for that is not my ultimate goal in getting this degree but my brain craves learning about all 3 parts of this degree. I will continue to blog and write but pardon me for my focus is now learning more about how I can apply this new knowledge in a way that gives meaning to my life and that of others. I am beyond ecstatic about the possibilities this all means. It will be a transformative experience that only God and me knows where it will go and I don’t know for sure, because I can’t grasp it yet but more will be revealed.

Now that my Schizoaffective disorder is in remission, I can get on with my life and although I may never work for money, I can achieve my dreams of writing about all things that matter and this degree is the catalyst into a future with meaning.

Thanks if you read this far in my blog. Only one person in my life will understand better what I am writing about, my youngest son, who is actually taking me to Mother’s Day lunch tomorrow. I know he will get it because he is my philosopher and it is my hopes that we will work together one day. But if nothing else he will be the one I can bounce ideas off of and who will understand much of what I have already been studying excitedly about.

Today was a perfect day though in many ways, went on a hike by the beach with my dear daughter and spent the afternoon and evening with my mom, my oldest son and daughter in law, my granddaughter, my sister, daughter with her soon to be fiance, and my husband. It was a wonderful evening full of fun, food and good memories.

Happy Mother’s day to all my readers, even if you aren’t a mom in the sense of what we know of the word, all women should be celebrated today for I know many women who don’t have kids but yet their spirit is immeasurable in how they speak to others in care and concern and that is being motherly.

I have been blessed with 4 children and one granddaughter and I celebrate with all women, for while I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams, I am also fine when I am not with them especially getting lost in my studies and personal transformation. I will never give up being the best version of myself for me first, then my family and then the world. Hope I hold dear and hope I wish to spread to all, to one, to many. Blessed be…

pax

V

How does it feel?

A poem of sorts today after hearing a sad story of addiction at its worst, an od (overdose)

How does it feel to be dead inside of you?

So dead that drugs overcome you

an empty searching for nothing that will truly help

Only bringing pain and loss and pain to those that love you …

Death comes welcomed to those who are dead inside

Hope is elusive

Hope is in an afterlife

Hope is in relief from the pain of living in addiction

Hope is all I have tonight that I will never use drugs again

Hope in God, Hope In me and mankind and all that is good in my life and this world

Hope that I can pursue my dreams and even when I fail, Hope that I will try again and again and again

Peace to all

RIP dear drug addict who might die tonight and all those who have already died of drug addiction

There but for the grace of God go I

V

Happy Mental Health month! Upcoming

Great to be back home after a nice vacation and a relaxing weekend!

My usual series for May is in the works!

I will be exploring the body, mind and spirit connection focusing on the work of Viktor Frankl’s insight on how man is unity yet multiplicity. And how taking it beyond that can affect the world benefiting us and others.

My self study on philosophical ideas is causing me to turn this blog into a little different posts.

Hope will also be an ongoing theme for my writing and all it encompasses. Without Hope we are dead inside. Hope keeps us going and when it is lacking reading and writing and mindful activities provide it.

May you all have much hope today and every day, to live your best lives and embrace your humanity!

Forget any diagnosis for now but keep taking your meds as I do or keep trying to find the best cocktail for you! We are all different yet the same in many ways.

Peace love hope and joy be with you all!

Victoria

What if I don’t want to be cured of my Schizophrenia?

Today is a special day for me; it is the 16 year anniversary of receiving the gift of Schizophrenia.

The year was 2006. I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and He answered me in giving me the gift of Schizophrenia during Easter Vigil Mass in Our Lady of Guadalupe Church in Guadalupe Ca. A Gift of confusion of the mind, messages, voices and much distress. I remember it all vividly. And it has brought me to a life of not being able to work, but being able to help many, through my blog, through my family, friends and strangers.

In some cultures people are revered if they have Schizophrenia. Well I don’t want to be revered but I have certain abilities that are at times unexpressed fully because of my Schizophrenia.

Today I awoke early and without much direction. I decided to read more of Yes to Life by Viktor Frankl. This was after I wrote in my journal asking God what He wished of me. I found much meaning in Frankl’s treatise on illness and suffering.

I could be in remission with the ketogenic diet if I chose. But I know that in my heart I am meant to have this disorder and must embrace it fully on meds. The suffering has eased much with my cocktail of meds just right but I still have lingering delusions which have lessened even more being on a ketogenic diet.

Some may call me peculiar that I would choose a life of Schizophrenia over a life without. II even do. But I know today with absolute certainty that I am supposed to embrace this gift and not reject it.

So this blog will continue with me having Schizophrenia and being on meds. For even though the meds stop the constant messages and voices, they do not eliminate when God wants to touch down and for that I am grateful.

But others who do not see it as a gift should seriously check out ketogenic eating to be put in remission from Schizophrenia.

I have meaning in my life today with my mad existence and I choose life over death again and again.

Off I go to eat some carbs. Off I go to make preparations for a wonderful Easter celebration tomorrow. And who knows I might even go to Holy Mass tonight just to see if there are any more gifts for me.

I believe in God, the father almighty who reigns over heaven and earth. But that is just me.

I will also be re-blogging my post on the gift and how I received it if I can find it. I am also in the process of revamping this blog to make it more user friendly. Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey. For those of you who have Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder and have been silent know that I pray for you much through the years of my blogging. Having this disorder is not always fun so feel free to write to me at my private email, as many of you have, who suffer with this disorder or any loved ones at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

God bless and keep you all!

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Venice Beach tonight..

Enjoying being out and about at Santa Monica pier and Venice Beach in California.

Last night was a night to fully grieve for my dad who passed away last September. Many tears, realizations and emptiness inside after some journaling.

Wednesday I read the eulogy I gave at my dads funeral in December to my therapist. It was received well. My therapist understands better now the kind man my father was to me. And that my dad is still a huge part of my life from heaven above.

Every time I see a plane which often happens when I need it, some ethereal moment in my day confirmed by a plane or any time I bite an ice cube 🧊! Orbs in pictures still or videos along with his gentle guidance.

I will ask him a question and wait and often I know exactly what he would want or have a new thought or word come into my head.

The grief is no longer unbearable but still miss him very much. I read my journal from last year and I read my own words that when my father died a part of me would die inside too. It is true even though I have him in a different way now.

Tears 😭

I am very happy tonight though to be on the right cocktail of meds so my disorder remains at bay. And my life coach has given me new homework on how to protect myself from negative energies. Already used one today at the beach where there were so many people.

When I get back home tomorrow will be continuing to work on my new article about the symbolic meaning of the lotus flower 🌸 and how its sacredness and inner wisdom is helping me to heal as a sometimes dark empath.

My past few months of angst are behind me and I find comfort in music from Iceland 🇮🇸. Piano and string instruments along with one woman’s deep enthralling voice of exactly where I am at.

Peaceful tonight and wishing you all peace as well as having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is only brought to my mind anymore when I am taking my meds.

I feel I am emerging as a new person with some pain but no longer delusional and emotionally stable which I see continuing as long as I stay on the safe path.

Back to my title, Venice, my husband and I drove the coast down highway 1 aka pch pacific coast highway and he drove so I got to fully appreciate the beauty and powerful waves of the Pacific Ocean. Was perfect!

We got lost but avoided an accident several times along the way. We sat in our car and listened to kroq and punk rock music 🎶 from times of old and just enjoyed the day. He people watched and I stared at the Ferris wheel 🎡 in picture wishing I could go on it or at least the merry go round. I didn’t because there were so many people but pretended which I am good at.

Tomorrow attending a celebration of life for my husband’s cousin who dropped dead at age 41 a few weeks ago. So sad 😞 as he left behind two young daughters and a wife who is strong but must be hard. Will be a day with his family. But today was good to spend all day with my husband ❤️

V

I’m holding out for more than I have now…

I’m dreaming big tonight!

My past is behind me, no more looking back.

I’m in the now and the now is pretty damn good. The future will come and I will deal with it one success, one failure at a time.

Writing ✍️ is my passion as is taking care of my mind, body and spirit. Also learning how to control if possible my empathic abilities or deep intuition at times as I embrace my sober existence.

Livingtd- living the dream I could never have thought up if I tried. I am figuring out who I want to be at many levels; as myself first, daughter, wife, mother and gramma ❤️

Today wasn’t perfect but my mindset is as I say yes to life and thrive in most of what I do.

More coming soon as I prepare for a getaway with my love of my life.

Peace be with you all!

Embrace peace and harmony and never stop trying to figure things out!

Victoria

Poverty at its lowest and finest…

I am not poor today but have been in my life many times.

Poor in mind, poor in spirit, poor in body and lastly but not least poor in finances.

Tonight I soar with the light being free from the most unusual situation I have alluded to on here. Telepathic situation of feeling another’s hold on my mind. A controlling well meaning being but burned that bridge completely and tonight I am at peace which has not been the case for months. It affected my mind and heart. Content tonight.

So being at my finest today until I learn to control my empathic abilities. Much to learn but have good guidance now and I don’t question my existence anymore. Prior to tonight I was walking with my hands bound into this person’s garden. Shame and all the emotions that go with that were my constant state of confusion and best friend. no more.

Poor in body. I guess I am that now but don’t wish to focus on that tonight hoping that the infection in my root of my tooth will be taken care of Tuesday with expensive extraction and implant after. Knee problems, hip bursitis, thyroid disorder (Hashimoto’s thyroiditis) and more. But somehow I walked 5 miles today and got much done despite lack of sleep which is both mental and physical connection.

I’ll keep going until I die! None of my issues are life threatening though at the moment so there’s good in that. I’ve always had physical health issues since childhood so I’m used to it. I try not to complain; Hope I’m not now.

Poor in spirit I am not. Rituals surround me and try to do good in all I do for me, my family and friends and the world. Since I was a child, I have always helped others except when I was using drugs and alcohol. Coming up on 9 months of recovery and have now a new focus for my days. I’m sometimes religious but not tonight . All religions interest me until they don’t make sense so tonight I claim no particular faith.

It is good for some and I stand in no judgment for those who choose it or who don’t. One of my dearest friends is secular and from them I glean much insight into whatever problem presents itself in my life.

I just try to live my life to the fullest every day I can and I believe that is all any of us can ever really do. When I see a need and it is in my power to help, I do.

Poor in finances is actually what I wish to focus on for many in this world are fighting to survive and support their families. I can only share my experience with this. My adult daughter calls it luck but I prefer to call it something else entirely. Some would say faith others fate and me well im not really sure why but I have been poor and happier than when I’ve had much and been disordered like now.

Being poor requires a certain discipline, a constant decision of what is most necessary for me to be ok. I don’t need much to be happy except love and I am blessed with that as well. My parents scrimped and saved and we often went without. But we were happy for Saturday night’s when we got to eat a frozen pizza sometimes.

Contentment is not found in things despite what the world teaches us.

But having a house and car is a certain security that many do not have. I’ve walked my share of miles in dirty sneakers with holes being without a home or car and still been happy. Wanting more at those times in my life always created discontentment so I made due and pretended I had more when I was cold and hungry. In the end I always got exactly what I needed and that hasn’t ever stopped happening yet.

For I believe our happiness does not rest in our material possessions although I do take comfort in my cozy bed but I have been just as content sleeping on a bench or the floor. Just can’t stand the cold.

Can anyone relate to my musings tonight?

What can you not live without?

For me it is love that is the glue to my existence and I just recently found that out.

So if you are loved by anyone feel grateful even if it is a fur friend. For love is truly all that matters in the end.

Peace

Victoria