I won’t give up…or worry

Much angst today telling my woes through writing about ___…

I’m depleted of my good energy but I’m still looking up and bought some beautiful flowers 🌸 at our local nursery. Will plant them this evening…

I also prayed for Divine Will in my life and all I do after praying for all my loved ones and the world 🌎

I have peace once again and I don’t intend to lose it again…

I have come so far! I have overcome so much! I will not be defeated in spirit!

My mind and body might be tired but I took a Power Nap exactly 2:39-3:39 (my Fitbit keeps track) and all the numbers I see are in perfect order for me to move forward…

Learning what I am and what I’m not is an important lesson. I have new philosophical connections and even a publisher who might be interested in my writing on Logotherapy and it’s connection to schizophrenia.

This is a radical shift. Without… in my life I am progressing. This is how it ought to be. This is how it is. This is how it will be.

I have an important date coming up in 3 days with an intriguing decision to make. I will not worry about it. I will know what to do that day. God will lead me.

Sending love 💕

Victoria

Feeling within me…

I’ve been at a loss this week in many ways. Too many to write here. There’s been a lot of good too but today is hard.

My daughter is sick, I’m her caregiver when she gets sick 🤒 even though she is 28. and others in my life are not doing great right now so like usual I’m allowing other’s stress to affect me which I’m fighting with all that I am.

I just want to escape from it all. But am choosing instead to blog about it.

And then clean up the kitchen because I made an awesome dinner tonight which nobody except me ate.

I’m the one in recovery from schizophrenia but all those around me are falling apart. I’m not sure how to pick myself back up. I need a new day and am going to use my coping skills to manage my schizophrenia.

Cleaning and healthy smoothie are old favorites which worked tonight 😊

My schizophrenia has been under control thanks to God and my hard work that I put into every day.

So looking on the bright side of things as my dad taught me today was a very productive day despite all the lack of control I have over the people in my life…

I walked 3 miles, cleaned my house, took care of my daughter and pups 🐶. And took care of me! I also didn’t buy anything when I went to my favorite store to pick up an order. Progress!

I was thinking of trying to work again but know that the reason why I am doing so well right now is because I don’t work outside the home. But it’s hard to accept some days when I have so much to offer. That’s why I’m not going to pursue my doctorate. What is the point if I can’t work.

I will continue to write and blog because that helps me greatly. I forgot to mention that I also couldn’t use my laptop today the way I’m used to. It’s being funky and won’t go online. Which meant I couldn’t work on my Nature Thought Journal I started in Maui a few weeks ago. It’s coming along nicely so another frustration in my day.

I won’t give up is my mantra in all that I do.

I won’t give up on finding meaning in my life despite my diagnosis. It’s hard to believe that I earned my Masters degree in psychology post diagnosis! But I find meaning in helping others so feel free to drop me an email at Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I answer all emails and have met some great friends on here. Also feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my experience with schizophrenia and check out my May series 2020 and 2022 above this blog. Tomorrow will be working more on May series 2022 and the mind, body spirit connection in psychiatry and psychotherapy.

I Truly feel a more holistic approach is needed to treat this disorder for people to recover.

Pax

Victoria

How does it feel?

A poem of sorts today after hearing a sad story of addiction at its worst, an od (overdose)

How does it feel to be dead inside of you?

So dead that drugs overcome you

an empty searching for nothing that will truly help

Only bringing pain and loss and pain to those that love you …

Death comes welcomed to those who are dead inside

Hope is elusive

Hope is in an afterlife

Hope is in relief from the pain of living in addiction

Hope is all I have tonight that I will never use drugs again

Hope in God, Hope In me and mankind and all that is good in my life and this world

Hope that I can pursue my dreams and even when I fail, Hope that I will try again and again and again

Peace to all

RIP dear drug addict who might die tonight and all those who have already died of drug addiction

There but for the grace of God go I

V

The peace didn’t last…

Well I had two days of peace so there’s that.

Tonight I am fighting for my sanity and fear I am at a loss.

Started in the morning. Shared on a public forum I have schizophrenia. Big mistake. I shared a piece of my experience with a trusted friend who has helped me in so many ways. Who knows what they think of me now. Doesn’t really matter except to me.

I don’t like people I know personally to know how much I suffer with this disorder.

It’s not shame but rather that they may pity me which is the last thing I ever want. I want to pretend that all is well. But it is not, peace may come at times but this disorder is a bastard. My mind is my worst enemy and other times my best friend.

I always find the darkest place to go.

Yesterday I was of relief and tonight the chickens in my mind are tearing each other apart which is why I have music on pretty much all day. Tonight it isn’t even working.

There was much good in today though. Last night I wrote an article for my new platform and got feedback from a trusted friend and the feedback was insightful and positive. The part that I feared wasn’t going to be well received was their favorite part. This gives me hope to finish it tonight although it is late.

Off I go and this article I will be sharing on here as well. It is on what it is like to be suicidal and I only wrote it to help loved ones to understand a little bit about it in my own experience. So follow me if interested.

Peace ✌️

Victoria

“Optimism is a perfectly legitimate response to failure “

This quote by Stephen king speaks perfectly to me today!

I have many failures in my mad existence but this blog I started nervously in 2013 is not one of them…

It is a success at many levels and I thank my followers and readers from around the world for being a part of my journey through healing .

Last night I wrote being excited about the many possibilities before me with no clear direction. This morning my wishes were granted with my decision to start writing for a new platform. I can write about my life and observations of other’s lives.

This answer was the direct result of my blogging last night. I manifested it because I need purpose to carry on. Not a job but to be able to write passionately about the dark, the light and much in between.

I have already begun today despite putting on a successful St. Patrick’s Day family dinner for 8. It was perfect. I got to spend time with my granddaughter, children, husband and my sister ❤️😊

What is your passion?

Excitement at many possibilities tonight…

The world is my oyster and I’m not giving up on finding my pearls! Pearls of wisdom, pearls of opportunity and pearls of embracing my sober and clean life!

I’m starting to trust myself again. At long last this person (me) is eager to continue on my healing journey from this disorder, intense emotional pain and the stress of every day life.

I will not hold my head in shame for another second. I refuse to be defined by my many labels of negative things. I am alive and able to do many things. All I have to do is start dreaming 💭 again and the sky is the limit.

I have many hours in my day to do whatever I like or love. I don’t need to work outside the home but I might just to have a routine again. Or I might write more or ??? I know my gardening is going to take off again but I want to do more in this life than that.

I want to do good and this realization is the jumping off point into the unknown!

I have had much disappointment in my life but much good too! Now seeking for balance and the answer lies within.

But the really cool thing is that I know what I don’t want to do. The list is long and doesn’t need to take up space here tonight.

I’m heading back to Maui in April my heaven on earth to figure this all out if I don’t before that. Last time there I was grieving the loss of my dad who passed away in September and it was perfect to be in Hawaii during this time but now I’m going back with my husband and sister and getting excited!

I’ll keep you all updated and thanks for the recent interest in my past blogging. The changes I had hoped to make on here have not come about so please feel free to use the search feature below and still accepting guest bloggers and ideas for another series. Feel free to comment or contact me at:

Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Midnight musings…

My soul is at peace tonight

God is good 😊

I miss the drama though and there has been much this week but also a healing of sorts in my life.

I am back in recovery mode and am enjoying my meetings again although sometimes it still hurts to work the steps honestly and thoroughly. But it is all good 😊

I learned this week how to make a proper amends . To say sorry for whatever is needed and then no buts after. And then move on in my recovery from addiction. A painful process but that is why I am at peace tonight.

I’m still having many physical problems but learning how to navigate them as well. Next week I have 5 or 6 appointments for mental and physical health issues. All will be well I feel because there is a reason for each and every one of them.

I’m therapy I’m learning how to be present for every moment in my day and it is much easier being sober to do so. Monday will be 8 months off of weed and yesterday was 7 months since my dad passed away. But even though these two events coincided it is good to ponder tonight how blessed I am.

I’m blessed because I am loved 🥰 by so many, blessed because I am alive and blessed because life is mostly wonderful. And when the hard times come again I will still say God is good 😊

For I did not ask for an easy life so how can I ever complain about anything?

Wishing you all much peace and joy no matter what life serves you. Just keep looking up ⬆️ and all will work out.

The fever came again and now to tempt fate or ignore the messages??

I wrote Sunday that I won’t give up when the fever comes again…

The fever came shortly after blogging…

I didn’t give up!

But now I am faced with a choice in the next 8 minutes and can’t decide whether to have compassion on myself or another soul.

I am not in angst over the decision.

I trust in God to lead me as I have prayed for His will be done.

Tomorrow I am meeting with my therapist to discuss fate. Light subject. 7 minutes to decide.

And then another therapy apt. the next day to discuss more on whatever the heck is on my mind. 6 minutes away. Who will win the clock will soon tell.

The fever that came was in the form of food poisoning, a drunk husband, financial woes. And if that wasn’t enough (5 minutes) I woke up the next morning and doubled up accidentally on one of my many meds that does not help anxiety. I have none right now so perhaps it is ok to meet fate. 3 minutes away.

So yesterday was a write off. I was still recovering from the food poisoning, my husband’s irritations about ??? and finances once again being what they are. 2 minutes. I had to call poison control, the doctor and the pharmacy in the reverse order. One minute!!!!!!!!!!

Divine intervention has won

I will just say this about meeting fate. There are still gentlemen in this world 🌎

And a thank you to the gentleman who honored my space tonight.

Perfect peace tonight except for a stomach ache, 3 nights in a row now??? Tomorrow I’m supposed to go to folklorico with my daughter so hoping it goes away.

I gotta get it together, mind and body but spirit is good. Thanks God for a good productive day. Not perfect but satisfying…

The angels 👼 surround us always…

That is who you are

Even if we don’t believe that there are many angels 😇 here now~ I can feel them and tonight my late father who was never late on earth and tonight was right on time from heaven above 👆

But let me tell the story before the beautiful ending which is for me a renewed joy and beginning once again!

I have recently lost another friend, who was my support in recovery ❤️‍🩹, my confidant my favorite person to share my disorder with. I miss the friendship very much but still see this person in my recovery group. They shared tonight that they are getting used to change…

I had a good day, great actually. My dog doesn’t need surgery after 3 weeks or more of not knowing. After the vet, I visited my mom who is back in my life in a way we have never known before. There was even a time up till 3 weeks ago when I couldn’t even have a picture of her without my late dad! But today we took my pup on a stroll and just enjoying the day, the beautiful weather, the well doggie 🐶 and each other.

We never know when a healing will take place or when more suffering will come.

I am not indifferent these days like I was when I was using weed and alcohol to numb out from all my pain. I feel things strongly now which can be good or bad. I am grateful today that I can feel!

So after my time with my mom♥️, I attended my recovery meeting where I got clean off weed 7 months and 14 days ago. The meeting was on something about change and I shared as did the recovery friend I was close to. I left the meeting right after thanking the host.

The next 2 hours I spent mad at God. But I must trust that He/She knows best for me in all situations, but during that two hour pity party the thought of taking a drink did cross my mind but didn’t entertain it and had a burnt cookie 🍪 instead. Did I mention I am trying to quit all forms of sugar starting today? The cookie helped and during this time I realized something.

That was that it is my twin dogs 🐕 birthday tonight at midnight 🕛 because they are leap year puppies and are ten years old in about an hour. I decided to celebrate and brushed them both and put pretty bows on them and danced around and gave them treats! Sent pictures to a few who care about me and my dogs 🐶!

Did some chores and finally sat down listening to the end of my favorite new worship album. I looked at my Fitbit and it was 10:18 which is my dad’s birthday on earth 🌍. I kissed my watch and checked it again and lo and behold it was 10:19.

I knew it was a message from my dad, the best dad ever comforting me from heaven. Tears 😭 streamed down my face and I knew that there were many angels 👼 surrounding me, one of them my dad in heaven.

Thanks for reading this far. God blessings to you all and may we always trust in God’s will for us now and always ♥️🙏😊🐶

Sober another 24 hours and grateful for all those in my life and those who have passed on and all who have helped me be who I am today…

I won’t give up…

The Universe is at work and play still in my strange existence upon this earth 🌍

But I have learned that I am brave to not give up ever despite all the hardships I have faced recently and through the years.

I keep looking up for answers because that is all I can do. Be brave with me and always remember that crying is not a sign of weakness but rather that we are brave!

If you are reading this know you are loved by the One who made you in your inquisite wonderfulness. Forget all the diagnostic crap for just a second and feel the love. From me those around you and for the Creator of all that is good for us in this life and the next! Trust the process and you will do well now and ever!

Peace love light and joy 🥲

Victoria