I won’t give up…or worry

Much angst today telling my woes through writing about ___…

I’m depleted of my good energy but I’m still looking up and bought some beautiful flowers 🌸 at our local nursery. Will plant them this evening…

I also prayed for Divine Will in my life and all I do after praying for all my loved ones and the world 🌎

I have peace once again and I don’t intend to lose it again…

I have come so far! I have overcome so much! I will not be defeated in spirit!

My mind and body might be tired but I took a Power Nap exactly 2:39-3:39 (my Fitbit keeps track) and all the numbers I see are in perfect order for me to move forward…

Learning what I am and what I’m not is an important lesson. I have new philosophical connections and even a publisher who might be interested in my writing on Logotherapy and it’s connection to schizophrenia.

This is a radical shift. Without… in my life I am progressing. This is how it ought to be. This is how it is. This is how it will be.

I have an important date coming up in 3 days with an intriguing decision to make. I will not worry about it. I will know what to do that day. God will lead me.

Sending love 💕

Victoria

Wrapped your love around me like a chain…

Love is all that matters!

I am in Maui with my husband and sister; my sister is a recent widow whose husband passed away November 7, 2020 and today is their wedding anniversary a very special occasion for her.

We never know when our spouse will move into the next realm.

Last night I spent the evening with my husband talking about death. We both are not afraid of it. That is good but makes me appreciate him all the more.

I’m recent months our marriage has come under attack but I choose him again and again. I wrap his love around me like a chain. I want us to continue in our life on earth in awe of our love and life together. Nothing can be taken for granted…

I actually have a sort of ministry for widows. I am blessed today to be in Hawaii with my sister on her special day and listen to her many stories about her late husband that I never tire of hearing. My thinking 🤔 is that quite often widows need to talk about their late husband fully and that it helps them greatly.

So off I go to her room to be present for her.

There’s a thousand things I could write about her late husband Jim but the one thing I wish to share is his spirituality. He is a very spiritual man and I’m finding myself following in his footsteps. He was not religious but deeply moved by the kindness of mankind and had much beliefs in God.

There have been many signs that he is still with us. I like to think that he is guiding my spirituality as I find much peace and contentment in nature and the love of my husband, sister and family and the occasional stranger.

Here’s to you jimmy. Happy anniversary in heaven and may you guide me today to be the best sister I can for my sister who misses you so much ❤️❤️❤️☺️

Venice Beach tonight..

Enjoying being out and about at Santa Monica pier and Venice Beach in California.

Last night was a night to fully grieve for my dad who passed away last September. Many tears, realizations and emptiness inside after some journaling.

Wednesday I read the eulogy I gave at my dads funeral in December to my therapist. It was received well. My therapist understands better now the kind man my father was to me. And that my dad is still a huge part of my life from heaven above.

Every time I see a plane which often happens when I need it, some ethereal moment in my day confirmed by a plane or any time I bite an ice cube 🧊! Orbs in pictures still or videos along with his gentle guidance.

I will ask him a question and wait and often I know exactly what he would want or have a new thought or word come into my head.

The grief is no longer unbearable but still miss him very much. I read my journal from last year and I read my own words that when my father died a part of me would die inside too. It is true even though I have him in a different way now.

Tears 😭

I am very happy tonight though to be on the right cocktail of meds so my disorder remains at bay. And my life coach has given me new homework on how to protect myself from negative energies. Already used one today at the beach where there were so many people.

When I get back home tomorrow will be continuing to work on my new article about the symbolic meaning of the lotus flower 🌸 and how its sacredness and inner wisdom is helping me to heal as a sometimes dark empath.

My past few months of angst are behind me and I find comfort in music from Iceland 🇮🇸. Piano and string instruments along with one woman’s deep enthralling voice of exactly where I am at.

Peaceful tonight and wishing you all peace as well as having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is only brought to my mind anymore when I am taking my meds.

I feel I am emerging as a new person with some pain but no longer delusional and emotionally stable which I see continuing as long as I stay on the safe path.

Back to my title, Venice, my husband and I drove the coast down highway 1 aka pch pacific coast highway and he drove so I got to fully appreciate the beauty and powerful waves of the Pacific Ocean. Was perfect!

We got lost but avoided an accident several times along the way. We sat in our car and listened to kroq and punk rock music 🎶 from times of old and just enjoyed the day. He people watched and I stared at the Ferris wheel 🎡 in picture wishing I could go on it or at least the merry go round. I didn’t because there were so many people but pretended which I am good at.

Tomorrow attending a celebration of life for my husband’s cousin who dropped dead at age 41 a few weeks ago. So sad 😞 as he left behind two young daughters and a wife who is strong but must be hard. Will be a day with his family. But today was good to spend all day with my husband ❤️

V

I’m holding out for more than I have now…

I’m dreaming big tonight!

My past is behind me, no more looking back.

I’m in the now and the now is pretty damn good. The future will come and I will deal with it one success, one failure at a time.

Writing ✍️ is my passion as is taking care of my mind, body and spirit. Also learning how to control if possible my empathic abilities or deep intuition at times as I embrace my sober existence.

Livingtd- living the dream I could never have thought up if I tried. I am figuring out who I want to be at many levels; as myself first, daughter, wife, mother and gramma ❤️

Today wasn’t perfect but my mindset is as I say yes to life and thrive in most of what I do.

More coming soon as I prepare for a getaway with my love of my life.

Peace be with you all!

Embrace peace and harmony and never stop trying to figure things out!

Victoria

Poverty at its lowest and finest…

I am not poor today but have been in my life many times.

Poor in mind, poor in spirit, poor in body and lastly but not least poor in finances.

Tonight I soar with the light being free from the most unusual situation I have alluded to on here. Telepathic situation of feeling another’s hold on my mind. A controlling well meaning being but burned that bridge completely and tonight I am at peace which has not been the case for months. It affected my mind and heart. Content tonight.

So being at my finest today until I learn to control my empathic abilities. Much to learn but have good guidance now and I don’t question my existence anymore. Prior to tonight I was walking with my hands bound into this person’s garden. Shame and all the emotions that go with that were my constant state of confusion and best friend. no more.

Poor in body. I guess I am that now but don’t wish to focus on that tonight hoping that the infection in my root of my tooth will be taken care of Tuesday with expensive extraction and implant after. Knee problems, hip bursitis, thyroid disorder (Hashimoto’s thyroiditis) and more. But somehow I walked 5 miles today and got much done despite lack of sleep which is both mental and physical connection.

I’ll keep going until I die! None of my issues are life threatening though at the moment so there’s good in that. I’ve always had physical health issues since childhood so I’m used to it. I try not to complain; Hope I’m not now.

Poor in spirit I am not. Rituals surround me and try to do good in all I do for me, my family and friends and the world. Since I was a child, I have always helped others except when I was using drugs and alcohol. Coming up on 9 months of recovery and have now a new focus for my days. I’m sometimes religious but not tonight . All religions interest me until they don’t make sense so tonight I claim no particular faith.

It is good for some and I stand in no judgment for those who choose it or who don’t. One of my dearest friends is secular and from them I glean much insight into whatever problem presents itself in my life.

I just try to live my life to the fullest every day I can and I believe that is all any of us can ever really do. When I see a need and it is in my power to help, I do.

Poor in finances is actually what I wish to focus on for many in this world are fighting to survive and support their families. I can only share my experience with this. My adult daughter calls it luck but I prefer to call it something else entirely. Some would say faith others fate and me well im not really sure why but I have been poor and happier than when I’ve had much and been disordered like now.

Being poor requires a certain discipline, a constant decision of what is most necessary for me to be ok. I don’t need much to be happy except love and I am blessed with that as well. My parents scrimped and saved and we often went without. But we were happy for Saturday night’s when we got to eat a frozen pizza sometimes.

Contentment is not found in things despite what the world teaches us.

But having a house and car is a certain security that many do not have. I’ve walked my share of miles in dirty sneakers with holes being without a home or car and still been happy. Wanting more at those times in my life always created discontentment so I made due and pretended I had more when I was cold and hungry. In the end I always got exactly what I needed and that hasn’t ever stopped happening yet.

For I believe our happiness does not rest in our material possessions although I do take comfort in my cozy bed but I have been just as content sleeping on a bench or the floor. Just can’t stand the cold.

Can anyone relate to my musings tonight?

What can you not live without?

For me it is love that is the glue to my existence and I just recently found that out.

So if you are loved by anyone feel grateful even if it is a fur friend. For love is truly all that matters in the end.

Peace

Victoria

Beautiful day and evening last night…

This is me today. Just a trickle of water at a water fall an hour away! Took the drive by myself so I could come and go as I wish from husband’s Vw car show! 303 Volkswagens from as far as Washington to here in California! With a tribute to last year’s winner of oldest driver of a Vw being 92 who passed away this last year ❤️. Families with dogs and kids abounded with glee at all the different types of Volkswagens present.

But me not impressed with cars hiked upwards to the falls. It got colder as I moved my legs and snapped this photo to remember the exhilarating feeling of success. I said hello to several fellow hikers and made friends with one dog. It was a good day with 3 miles in total.

I’m tired tonight.

Yesterday was recovery from the previous days of angst . I’m telling my story backwards though so bear with me as I start at the beginning.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He was out with his best friend and I had the house to myself all night. It was glorious!

I attended two recovery meetings and was of service on accident lol and shared at both meetings. It was good and I’m grateful once again for my sobriety!

After I journaled, took a lovely bath and did short yoga 🧘‍♀️ stretching. Then I stayed up late researching the internet for a situation that baffles me. It helped especially since it had to do with psychology and love. Didn’t find the answer but ruled out quite a bit of confusion in my mind.

Woke up early today and was at peace. Found a new obsession of an app called Blinkist that gives snippets of books and the main ideas of much information I am interested in. Listened to 5 summaries and read 3.

Then I headed out for my adventure. I don’t have any close friends so I decided to call it my solo adventure. It was grand! I like me and enjoyed my own company very much. I stopped when and where I wanted to and listened to my music and thought a lot about the past month and a half.

Progress not perfection as we say it in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I will sleep well tonight, that is after editing my writing ✍️ piece on suicidal thinking. It’s called “The ocean calls to me often “ and if all goes well I will be posting it tomorrow.

It is sad with dare I call it hope but the truth of my mad existence.

So stay tuned and wishing all my readers some peaceful days amongst the hard ones!

Enjoying peace tonight…

New music is in my ears past week and I think it is helping me to be in a better place.

I was listening to the same music for the past few years and it is nice to be obsessed with a new band~Brandi Carlile and the twins. Her concerts and interviews are mesmerizing. See my favorite concert of hers down at bottom. The first song is especially meaningful to me.

I am not a political following person; I don’t watch the news nor tv. But today I read a recent writing of a speech of Zulinsky the president of the Ukraine. I am proud of him and his words of hope for the Ukranian people as they fend off their attackers. That is all I will say about that as I continue to pray for peace in the world.

In regards to my personal life of which I share a lot on here that is cryptic and unusual because of who I am, not just my disorder, I am at peace mostly with the arrangement of my life. It is different than most and I am not ashamed of who I am anymore. I am a strong woman with lots of people in my life who admire me and love me and for this I am very blessed indeed.

I take the hard way often because when I see an underdog losing, I give them help in any way I can. I don’t just sit back and pray for the world and my family. I am a helper in the ways I can be and am very proud of my giving to my children, husband and granddaughter mostly but also my mom and others who are important to me and my survival on this planet in this universe.

Life is quiet lately and I will take the peace as it comes…

I am no longer tormented by my thoughts just a bit uncomfortable at times but not the angst I went through in recent months. Acceptance of who I am is the main reason for this. I accept my feelings now and my fate. I believe my writing is important but not sure why, I don’t ask anymore, just write as I feel led and tonight going to work some on a new project that is yet unknown to me. Everything inspires me lately and get the creative juices flowing once again. My house is clean, the houseplants are watered and I have 2 hours for a new writing project.

My emotions are balanced with love, joy, sadness over the state of the world and understanding of the human condition as it is. While there is much evil in the world, I do not let it enter my life; no, I seek protection at many levels and feel like I have the right formula at last.

It is not that things are going my way all the time. I have many medical problems but I don’t worry just go see doctors and specialists and feel thankful when I have energy to do much like today. Yesterday was a different day but mentally good so any minor annoyance or new expensive procedure coming up in April is just that, something to deal with one step, one antibiotic, one phone call or ten. Not worrying about things is freeing. I trust the rhythm of the Universe these days. And I have found that the more I give the more I receive so I keep on giving and will not stop until I die.

Wishing you all well and thank you for reading through my past blogs when life was not this quiet for my life has been a lot of drama these past years as my faithful followers have read as I can share my life with the world. The many lessons that I have learned having this disorder have been many and I don’t let it define me when it acts up; nor do I ignore it when it is at bay like right now; I respect it just like my many addictions. I don’t stop my meds for I know they help me and therapy is good too now that I have a therapist I trust. Hope you all have that too, good professionals in your life who care and guide you into the right cocktail of meds as more is revealed about your disorder. For no two cases of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder are ever alike.

Feel free to write me anytime at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with comments, questions, or topics to write about on here. I answer every email but now have learned to check my trash mail as sometimes it gets sent there I have discovered sadly. Please feel free to use the search feature below to peruse my past blogging dating back to 2013, the year I began this blog.

Here’s that concert as promised of Brandi Carlile! Enjoy:)

peace

V

Disorder at bay…

My mind and spirit are stronger than ever before but physically that is another story for another day…

I met with my therapist today and it was perfect. It was better than good to meet with this psychologist again after a two week break due to his injury. I shared my deepest darkest secret today and it was safe with him. So I am relieved today that he was able to hold my space in non judgment. Quite the drama really but at peace ☮️ to share it.

I’m back on my old regimen of meds and doing very well. I’m there for my 4 children and husband and my newest love my granddaughter. She adores me! 5 months old now and 6 months since my dad passed away but is still a huge part of my life…

My next appointment of therapy I am going to read my eulogy I gave at my dads funeral. I am still grieving his physical presence but I can feel him with me In spirit. Every time an airplane flies overhead; every time I eat an ice cube, I think of him which is often because I live under the airport path and I eat ice all day. And his song to me that I rarely hear anymore by Izzy had me in tears 😭 this morning. He is the best dad ever I always told him the last 30 years of his life.

He warned me when we got close again after some time apart during my teenage years that he would die soon and I would get mad at him for saying that because he knew till the end how much I love him. He lived another 30 years.

I guess tonight’s blog is about how we never know when we will be called home so hug or call your mom and dad if they are still alive. Don’t wait till they are gone to miss them…

My husband’s cousin dropped dead Saturday at the age of 41 with a wife and two small children. So death is on my mind as I process this. I feel I have only lived half my life so far and I’m 52 and a half.

I do have good news though! I was published on that new platform writing about my time in New York. Felt good to write it and be accepted. It is an online magazine called Edge of Humanity. Isn’t that an incredible name? I will write more for them but the sadness of the war and my physical health is preventing me currently.

I have time though and while I recuperate I think of my many blessings of family and friends I have known, the material blessings I have gotten used to although I lead a very minimalist life. I have no needs except my ice coffee and cream and one last vice, not drugs anymore, but helps me to cope with my days. Quiet day today…

Maui in April I have to look forward to. Wishing you all aloha❤️

Excitement at many possibilities tonight…

The world is my oyster and I’m not giving up on finding my pearls! Pearls of wisdom, pearls of opportunity and pearls of embracing my sober and clean life!

I’m starting to trust myself again. At long last this person (me) is eager to continue on my healing journey from this disorder, intense emotional pain and the stress of every day life.

I will not hold my head in shame for another second. I refuse to be defined by my many labels of negative things. I am alive and able to do many things. All I have to do is start dreaming 💭 again and the sky is the limit.

I have many hours in my day to do whatever I like or love. I don’t need to work outside the home but I might just to have a routine again. Or I might write more or ??? I know my gardening is going to take off again but I want to do more in this life than that.

I want to do good and this realization is the jumping off point into the unknown!

I have had much disappointment in my life but much good too! Now seeking for balance and the answer lies within.

But the really cool thing is that I know what I don’t want to do. The list is long and doesn’t need to take up space here tonight.

I’m heading back to Maui in April my heaven on earth to figure this all out if I don’t before that. Last time there I was grieving the loss of my dad who passed away in September and it was perfect to be in Hawaii during this time but now I’m going back with my husband and sister and getting excited!

I’ll keep you all updated and thanks for the recent interest in my past blogging. The changes I had hoped to make on here have not come about so please feel free to use the search feature below and still accepting guest bloggers and ideas for another series. Feel free to comment or contact me at:

Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Altruism~can it be defined today?

Doing good only for the sake of doing good; no benefits, even deeper no hidden motive, nothing in it for them not even coincidental pleasure.

Does this exist anywhere?

I aspire to be so. But then I would achieve a goal and that wouldn’t be true altruism, unless I find no satisfaction in it. For how can one not feel joy when others are being helped?

Humble are they? To achieve this state and know it not.

Heavy thoughts today as I ponder my existence.

Thinking about doing another series on ???

Welcome all countries from amongst the world 🌎 we are united in the hope of finding relief from this disorder.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

For any ideas on a topic of interest that has not been done before. Use the search feature below to find blogs on coping tools, stress, Jason mraz, or any mental health interests having to do with schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder. One good place to start is negative symptoms.

Also any guest bloggers who would like to write on here let’s have some fun. Specifically inviting gracefuladdict on recovery. Look her up if interested in daily life blogging on recovery.