Wrapped your love around me like a chain…

Love is all that matters!

I am in Maui with my husband and sister; my sister is a recent widow whose husband passed away November 7, 2020 and today is their wedding anniversary a very special occasion for her.

We never know when our spouse will move into the next realm.

Last night I spent the evening with my husband talking about death. We both are not afraid of it. That is good but makes me appreciate him all the more.

I’m recent months our marriage has come under attack but I choose him again and again. I wrap his love around me like a chain. I want us to continue in our life on earth in awe of our love and life together. Nothing can be taken for granted…

I actually have a sort of ministry for widows. I am blessed today to be in Hawaii with my sister on her special day and listen to her many stories about her late husband that I never tire of hearing. My thinking 🤔 is that quite often widows need to talk about their late husband fully and that it helps them greatly.

So off I go to her room to be present for her.

There’s a thousand things I could write about her late husband Jim but the one thing I wish to share is his spirituality. He is a very spiritual man and I’m finding myself following in his footsteps. He was not religious but deeply moved by the kindness of mankind and had much beliefs in God.

There have been many signs that he is still with us. I like to think that he is guiding my spirituality as I find much peace and contentment in nature and the love of my husband, sister and family and the occasional stranger.

Here’s to you jimmy. Happy anniversary in heaven and may you guide me today to be the best sister I can for my sister who misses you so much ❤️❤️❤️☺️

Marriage and schizophrenia

I’ve been married for 30 years and it has definitely been the hardest and best thing to ever happen to me/us. As I listen on loop to Ed Sheeran/Taylor Swift song, The Joker and the Queen, I am reminded how much we have been through. From humble beginnings, I was a waitress working night shift, he was my boss, the night manager. If I had known when I met him the first time, I would have been different somehow. But the clenching time came a year later when he crashed his motorcycle, which he got rid of after, I nursed him back to health and fell in love with his caring yet gruff nature and soul…

The hard times have made the good times even more rich. Right now it is a rich time of trips, time at home and exploration of much.

He doesn’t understand my disorder but accepts me for all of it and sometimes it can get pretty rough. Dealing with me psychotic, meeting with a team of doctors at UCLA in 2008, not knowing then how hard the next 16 years would be. Meeting with therapists, learning through experience that we are meant to be together with our quirks, mine more than him haha.

Now that I am stable in mind, body, spirit and our finances, it is even better. Last night and this morning were perfect examples of our unbreakable union.

We don’t sleep in the same bed for various reasons, his snoring, my late night habits etc.. it works for us. But most nights we spend time together in our marriage bed with me massaging him as he falls asleep. We talk about our day and the next, make jokes, make fun of ourselves and discuss our children and granddaughter. It is a good practice we have done for years. He has tried to massage me but he’s too strong and i’m too sensitve so I don’t mind giving him this gift most nights. He says it helps him sleep better:)

So last night we just held each other for an hour with our heads together on the same pillow. I enjoyed this very much. He fell asleep with me in his arms and I started to doze off too but hadn’t taken my night meds so ended up getting up at midnight as he wakes up at the disturbance and asks “where are you going? I love this, he didn’t want me to go away even after an hour of us just being together in embrace. I might have slept there but must have my meds to help me sleep. But the fact that I was tempted to stay was a good feeling.

His energy can be very strong and critical and me being an empath as well makes it difficult and strange at times, wonderful and pure bliss at others. He is also a big softie sometimes and acts like a big baby with many needs which I sometimes meet happily most of the time.

Then at 6:30 in the morning he’s running around the house waking everyone up because he thought there was an earthquake. I remembered that there was a shuttle taking off from Vandenberg airforce base taking off this weekend in the am so he checked on the two adult children who live with us still and went back to bed. In less than 5 minutes he was back to our side of our small home because there was another loud noise. By this time I was awake and got up with only 5 1/2 hours sleep:( He’s back in his bed snoring away undisturbed by anything.

Once I wake up I cannot go back to sleep so I’m like trying to figure out what to do. I journaled about him and now chose to blog about marriage and schizophrenia.

We don’t discuss my disorder much. But he knows when I need my space and when I need to be with him or others. But when I am at my worst, he wishes it all away sometimes with unkind words like- just pick yourself up by your bootstraps, ignore it, you’re fine, don’t think as much. These words are not helpful at all and make me try very hard to be stable at all times, at least as much as possible.

I can write about it now that I am doing well but in the midst of the chaos of my mind, things have never looked bleaker…

That is all I wish to share about marriage and schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder except for the wonderful newest development in our marriage~ he has accepted that I cannot work and I am at peace in knowing this.

Peace

Victoria

I’m holding out for more than I have now…

I’m dreaming big tonight!

My past is behind me, no more looking back.

I’m in the now and the now is pretty damn good. The future will come and I will deal with it one success, one failure at a time.

Writing ✍️ is my passion as is taking care of my mind, body and spirit. Also learning how to control if possible my empathic abilities or deep intuition at times as I embrace my sober existence.

Livingtd- living the dream I could never have thought up if I tried. I am figuring out who I want to be at many levels; as myself first, daughter, wife, mother and gramma ❤️

Today wasn’t perfect but my mindset is as I say yes to life and thrive in most of what I do.

More coming soon as I prepare for a getaway with my love of my life.

Peace be with you all!

Embrace peace and harmony and never stop trying to figure things out!

Victoria

Marriage and solitude…

I have the perfect marriage I just realized!

I have a husband with many friends and Vw buddies, who works long hours and who is often absent by alcohol or tiredness.

Me on the other hand loves solitude and only has a couple of close friends and those 2 friends are busy with work and their families. So I have lots of time for reflection, writing and doing whatever I wish.

Oh I have the mundane chores naturally and I prefer it that way because I enjoy keeping up with the house and use that time to think too. About life, about death and everything in between.

It’s the perfect scenario. We don’t even sleep in the same bed but that’s ok too because he snores and I’m a night owl.

Feeling blessed indeed!

We do spend time together but it isn’t all the time. I like deep meaningful conversations and lately we’ve had a few. I feel closer to him than ever because he gives me space as he gets so much out of hanging out with the guys.

My disorder is at bay and I expect it will be now that things are in place for our future. After a chaotic few months things are looking up and even though I’m having a tooth extracted tomorrow I am at peace tonight and just a bit nervous they might put me under.

Found a new blog of philosophy I’m obsessed with and it’s giving me much to ponder about for my next article.

Peace be with you all

Victoria

Pondering much tonight…

As I finally began my writing work I find it hard now to tell my stories. I am writing two; one of a very dark time in my life and another about the symbolism of the lotus flower. I need both to balance the writing I am doing.

It is good to be working again with no deadlines to pressure me. I have also been thinking about returning to theater 🎭. That was a very fun time in my life. I watched west side story last night and have been dancing around the house today to the soundtrack for la la land.

I know my life is changing before my very eyes. What is most stable though is my marriage which I am so grateful for! We watched the best part of Liar Liar and laughter arose as we watched the irreverence of Jim Carey 😂

Then we both parted our ways him heading out late to his weekly Friday bbq with his Volks buddies and me to spend a quiet night to do with as I wish. He does bring me ribs and steak throughout the night as he did now.

In fact more along the marriage thread, the other night as we lay in bed and had been talking quite a bit about many topics of which I had been asking him my deepest questions feeling safe in his strength in answering of them. He was falling asleep and I asked him if I could ask him one last question 🙋‍♀️. He said yes and I asked him “what is the meaning of life “ he got mad for a second then realized I was messing with him.

Ah marriage to the right man can be so satisfying. Then I went to sleep in the meditation room because he snores and tosses and turns all night! We’ve been sleeping separately for years and are quite content. But we spend almost every night lying down together close to his bedtime. I stay up much later because that is when I come alive.

Off to work on my writing some more hoping it will flow this time…

Question of the day to be or not to be answered but I ask it anyway because I’m curious. How do you all find a balance in life? amongst work, play, rest and for most of us recovery from anything really.

Best

V

Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.

Pax

Victoria

A very stressful day but made it, glad for a new day though…

Yesterday was very hard and long for me.  My mom had knee replacement surgery and had to be there at 5:45 am, I didn’t sleep much the night before in fact stayed up late to hang out with my 18 yr old son….

So the day was spent waiting for her to come out of surgery and she is frail mind you so there was that scare.  But she did better than fine.  The surgery was three hours though and had to wait a while to see her in recovery.  Some other stressful things to help her get settled but I got through it and went to bed at 9:00pm last night and slept in till 9.

Today is a new day and I am happy to report she is walking around a little with little pain and a very cheery countenance!

I am glad for new days especially after a hard day like yesterday.  Makes me appreciate things more.  Little things like my ice water and lavendar scents make me happy.  Gardened a little today, watering and prepping for new fall plants.

I have my other hobbies as well such as cleaning my house in depth.  Got my list and getting through it one project at a time.  Even painted some indoors to spruce things up.

My other hobbies (goat soap making and other natural products) and collaging are there too when I get done with the deep cleaning of my house and the gardening and yuck weeding out front.

We might be having a party over here in October so my husband is doing his part getting the yards looking good and getting rid of trash and junk!  We have been married 25 years and although he doesn’t really understand my mental disorder, he is there for me in other ways like leaving me be yesterday for the most part when I was just done with the day!

Hope everyone has a good end of September as October is right around the corner, birthday time soon!  48 years young!!!

Pax

Victoria