Feeling within me…

I’ve been at a loss this week in many ways. Too many to write here. There’s been a lot of good too but today is hard.

My daughter is sick, I’m her caregiver when she gets sick 🤒 even though she is 28. and others in my life are not doing great right now so like usual I’m allowing other’s stress to affect me which I’m fighting with all that I am.

I just want to escape from it all. But am choosing instead to blog about it.

And then clean up the kitchen because I made an awesome dinner tonight which nobody except me ate.

I’m the one in recovery from schizophrenia but all those around me are falling apart. I’m not sure how to pick myself back up. I need a new day and am going to use my coping skills to manage my schizophrenia.

Cleaning and healthy smoothie are old favorites which worked tonight 😊

My schizophrenia has been under control thanks to God and my hard work that I put into every day.

So looking on the bright side of things as my dad taught me today was a very productive day despite all the lack of control I have over the people in my life…

I walked 3 miles, cleaned my house, took care of my daughter and pups 🐶. And took care of me! I also didn’t buy anything when I went to my favorite store to pick up an order. Progress!

I was thinking of trying to work again but know that the reason why I am doing so well right now is because I don’t work outside the home. But it’s hard to accept some days when I have so much to offer. That’s why I’m not going to pursue my doctorate. What is the point if I can’t work.

I will continue to write and blog because that helps me greatly. I forgot to mention that I also couldn’t use my laptop today the way I’m used to. It’s being funky and won’t go online. Which meant I couldn’t work on my Nature Thought Journal I started in Maui a few weeks ago. It’s coming along nicely so another frustration in my day.

I won’t give up is my mantra in all that I do.

I won’t give up on finding meaning in my life despite my diagnosis. It’s hard to believe that I earned my Masters degree in psychology post diagnosis! But I find meaning in helping others so feel free to drop me an email at Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I answer all emails and have met some great friends on here. Also feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my experience with schizophrenia and check out my May series 2020 and 2022 above this blog. Tomorrow will be working more on May series 2022 and the mind, body spirit connection in psychiatry and psychotherapy.

I Truly feel a more holistic approach is needed to treat this disorder for people to recover.

Pax

Victoria

Fought with God and lost but I’m the lucky one…

God has spoken, not a voice but another situation has led me to believe that I cannot think about working or pursuing my doctorate. I accept.

My time will be devoted to writing for free to give others and myself hope and meaning in this sometimes hard life…

That is all for tonight.

God is good and I truly feel I am not psychotic but the lucky one!

I accept my limitations and embrace my future…

Because I am strong, brave, willing and as honest as one can be given any situation.

good night

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Happy Mental Health month! Upcoming

Great to be back home after a nice vacation and a relaxing weekend!

My usual series for May is in the works!

I will be exploring the body, mind and spirit connection focusing on the work of Viktor Frankl’s insight on how man is unity yet multiplicity. And how taking it beyond that can affect the world benefiting us and others.

My self study on philosophical ideas is causing me to turn this blog into a little different posts.

Hope will also be an ongoing theme for my writing and all it encompasses. Without Hope we are dead inside. Hope keeps us going and when it is lacking reading and writing and mindful activities provide it.

May you all have much hope today and every day, to live your best lives and embrace your humanity!

Forget any diagnosis for now but keep taking your meds as I do or keep trying to find the best cocktail for you! We are all different yet the same in many ways.

Peace love hope and joy be with you all!

Victoria

Schizophrenia and Logotherapy

Upcoming blog post on looking at Logotherapy in terms of Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder.

Studying Viktor Frankl’s books on vacation, mainly Man’s Search for Meaning and The Will to Meaning. Light topics on Frankl’s theory and practice of Logotherapy he wrote from his experience in Auschwitz’s concentration camps.

He wrote Man’s Search for Meaning in ten days and its ways of giving meaning to the other prisoners who had lost hope is just incredible.

I would like to briefly interpret it in terms of Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder or any heavy mental health diagnosis.

There are 3 stages to explore. The first stage is shock, disgust and delusions of reprieve. The second stage is acceptance, apathy and routine and the third, which is where I am, is freedom, release and liberation.

I have been examining my stages and the hardest one was the shock I realized I was first diagnosed in 2008. It was a turbulent time of recognizing that my mental health was and continued to be precarious up until recently.

The second stage of routine, apathy and acceptance was the longest by far. I felt like a robot and that this was how it was going to be forever on heavy antipsychotic meds, many hospital stays and an apathetic existence.

Now that I’m in the third phase of release, freedom and liberation, I can use my experience to write about it. I can easily revert back to old patterns though with stress, lack of sleep and/or exercise and poor nutrition.

More to come in May as we prepare to celebrate mental health awareness month.

“If man has a why to live for he can bear almost any why” Nietzsche

Aloha

Victoria

Venice Beach tonight..

Enjoying being out and about at Santa Monica pier and Venice Beach in California.

Last night was a night to fully grieve for my dad who passed away last September. Many tears, realizations and emptiness inside after some journaling.

Wednesday I read the eulogy I gave at my dads funeral in December to my therapist. It was received well. My therapist understands better now the kind man my father was to me. And that my dad is still a huge part of my life from heaven above.

Every time I see a plane which often happens when I need it, some ethereal moment in my day confirmed by a plane or any time I bite an ice cube 🧊! Orbs in pictures still or videos along with his gentle guidance.

I will ask him a question and wait and often I know exactly what he would want or have a new thought or word come into my head.

The grief is no longer unbearable but still miss him very much. I read my journal from last year and I read my own words that when my father died a part of me would die inside too. It is true even though I have him in a different way now.

Tears 😭

I am very happy tonight though to be on the right cocktail of meds so my disorder remains at bay. And my life coach has given me new homework on how to protect myself from negative energies. Already used one today at the beach where there were so many people.

When I get back home tomorrow will be continuing to work on my new article about the symbolic meaning of the lotus flower 🌸 and how its sacredness and inner wisdom is helping me to heal as a sometimes dark empath.

My past few months of angst are behind me and I find comfort in music from Iceland 🇮🇸. Piano and string instruments along with one woman’s deep enthralling voice of exactly where I am at.

Peaceful tonight and wishing you all peace as well as having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is only brought to my mind anymore when I am taking my meds.

I feel I am emerging as a new person with some pain but no longer delusional and emotionally stable which I see continuing as long as I stay on the safe path.

Back to my title, Venice, my husband and I drove the coast down highway 1 aka pch pacific coast highway and he drove so I got to fully appreciate the beauty and powerful waves of the Pacific Ocean. Was perfect!

We got lost but avoided an accident several times along the way. We sat in our car and listened to kroq and punk rock music 🎶 from times of old and just enjoyed the day. He people watched and I stared at the Ferris wheel 🎡 in picture wishing I could go on it or at least the merry go round. I didn’t because there were so many people but pretended which I am good at.

Tomorrow attending a celebration of life for my husband’s cousin who dropped dead at age 41 a few weeks ago. So sad 😞 as he left behind two young daughters and a wife who is strong but must be hard. Will be a day with his family. But today was good to spend all day with my husband ❤️

V

Musings of the day…

No gardening this week at any level! I hope that my overrun garden isn’t a sign of my spiritual condition.

Still doing nothing but study altruism today. I find all sources to be lacking so far of what I seek and wish to study. Altruism is the art of giving with no benefit. Sitting around talking about our accomplishments isn’t my idea of doing good. So I ask it again~ Is altruism possible in this day and age? For to give with no benefit is really hard to do. When I gave to a family in the Ukraine I was giddy with excitement. That isn’t altruism but I couldn’t help it and then I got a thank you from the family for they wished to express their thanks fully. But instead of helping me feel good about my good deed it made me feel worse.

But I will keep on keeping on, blogging and writing articles for Edge of Humanity and other magazines I hope to find where my articles can be read and perhaps help a soul or two or many.

I have much freedom today to do as I wish, to buy whatever I need, to exercise and eat healthy but I ask again the question, how can I enjoy my comfortable life when others are in great need and in despair over war, poor health and the unthinkable? I can’t really, I must do more.

My new life coach has helped me greatly to design a life vision board which includes addressing my addiction to drugs, alcohol and _ _ _ by giving much thought to my mind, body and spirit activities. I have created an online vision board using a free site called Canva. For detailed instructions go here. It is easy to use and although I did sign up for the free premier trial to get the design that I wanted of muted colors and the perfect layout, you don’t have to and it is likely I will cancel it before getting charged monthly but enjoy it in the meantime. I downloaded my copy and saved it as my screensaver. This is mine. Not sure why there’s a black line in center crossing my mom’s name out lol subconscious message perhaps.

It is a great help in my holistic approach to recovery from the addiction of the day. Those of you who are addicts will understand that. I am an addict and freely admit I am powerless over many addictions. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. So I stay on the safe side and avoid them like the plague. I have to think like this for my sanity, for my recovery.

Although my thinking is hot or cold, black or white, I am finding with this new approach in my recovery that I am discovering a lot of grey areas and I like the color grey very much.

No more meetings right now for me and no desire to use or return to poor choices that leave me depleted but instead an exciting journey into myself, especially finding yoga daily to be beneficial!

I will leave you all tonight with my favorite quote of the year.

I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual.
— Henry David Thoreau

peace, V

Beautiful day and evening last night…

This is me today. Just a trickle of water at a water fall an hour away! Took the drive by myself so I could come and go as I wish from husband’s Vw car show! 303 Volkswagens from as far as Washington to here in California! With a tribute to last year’s winner of oldest driver of a Vw being 92 who passed away this last year ❤️. Families with dogs and kids abounded with glee at all the different types of Volkswagens present.

But me not impressed with cars hiked upwards to the falls. It got colder as I moved my legs and snapped this photo to remember the exhilarating feeling of success. I said hello to several fellow hikers and made friends with one dog. It was a good day with 3 miles in total.

I’m tired tonight.

Yesterday was recovery from the previous days of angst . I’m telling my story backwards though so bear with me as I start at the beginning.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He was out with his best friend and I had the house to myself all night. It was glorious!

I attended two recovery meetings and was of service on accident lol and shared at both meetings. It was good and I’m grateful once again for my sobriety!

After I journaled, took a lovely bath and did short yoga 🧘‍♀️ stretching. Then I stayed up late researching the internet for a situation that baffles me. It helped especially since it had to do with psychology and love. Didn’t find the answer but ruled out quite a bit of confusion in my mind.

Woke up early today and was at peace. Found a new obsession of an app called Blinkist that gives snippets of books and the main ideas of much information I am interested in. Listened to 5 summaries and read 3.

Then I headed out for my adventure. I don’t have any close friends so I decided to call it my solo adventure. It was grand! I like me and enjoyed my own company very much. I stopped when and where I wanted to and listened to my music and thought a lot about the past month and a half.

Progress not perfection as we say it in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I will sleep well tonight, that is after editing my writing ✍️ piece on suicidal thinking. It’s called “The ocean calls to me often “ and if all goes well I will be posting it tomorrow.

It is sad with dare I call it hope but the truth of my mad existence.

So stay tuned and wishing all my readers some peaceful days amongst the hard ones!

The peace didn’t last…

Well I had two days of peace so there’s that.

Tonight I am fighting for my sanity and fear I am at a loss.

Started in the morning. Shared on a public forum I have schizophrenia. Big mistake. I shared a piece of my experience with a trusted friend who has helped me in so many ways. Who knows what they think of me now. Doesn’t really matter except to me.

I don’t like people I know personally to know how much I suffer with this disorder.

It’s not shame but rather that they may pity me which is the last thing I ever want. I want to pretend that all is well. But it is not, peace may come at times but this disorder is a bastard. My mind is my worst enemy and other times my best friend.

I always find the darkest place to go.

Yesterday I was of relief and tonight the chickens in my mind are tearing each other apart which is why I have music on pretty much all day. Tonight it isn’t even working.

There was much good in today though. Last night I wrote an article for my new platform and got feedback from a trusted friend and the feedback was insightful and positive. The part that I feared wasn’t going to be well received was their favorite part. This gives me hope to finish it tonight although it is late.

Off I go and this article I will be sharing on here as well. It is on what it is like to be suicidal and I only wrote it to help loved ones to understand a little bit about it in my own experience. So follow me if interested.

Peace ✌️

Victoria

Enjoying peace tonight…

New music is in my ears past week and I think it is helping me to be in a better place.

I was listening to the same music for the past few years and it is nice to be obsessed with a new band~Brandi Carlile and the twins. Her concerts and interviews are mesmerizing. See my favorite concert of hers down at bottom. The first song is especially meaningful to me.

I am not a political following person; I don’t watch the news nor tv. But today I read a recent writing of a speech of Zulinsky the president of the Ukraine. I am proud of him and his words of hope for the Ukranian people as they fend off their attackers. That is all I will say about that as I continue to pray for peace in the world.

In regards to my personal life of which I share a lot on here that is cryptic and unusual because of who I am, not just my disorder, I am at peace mostly with the arrangement of my life. It is different than most and I am not ashamed of who I am anymore. I am a strong woman with lots of people in my life who admire me and love me and for this I am very blessed indeed.

I take the hard way often because when I see an underdog losing, I give them help in any way I can. I don’t just sit back and pray for the world and my family. I am a helper in the ways I can be and am very proud of my giving to my children, husband and granddaughter mostly but also my mom and others who are important to me and my survival on this planet in this universe.

Life is quiet lately and I will take the peace as it comes…

I am no longer tormented by my thoughts just a bit uncomfortable at times but not the angst I went through in recent months. Acceptance of who I am is the main reason for this. I accept my feelings now and my fate. I believe my writing is important but not sure why, I don’t ask anymore, just write as I feel led and tonight going to work some on a new project that is yet unknown to me. Everything inspires me lately and get the creative juices flowing once again. My house is clean, the houseplants are watered and I have 2 hours for a new writing project.

My emotions are balanced with love, joy, sadness over the state of the world and understanding of the human condition as it is. While there is much evil in the world, I do not let it enter my life; no, I seek protection at many levels and feel like I have the right formula at last.

It is not that things are going my way all the time. I have many medical problems but I don’t worry just go see doctors and specialists and feel thankful when I have energy to do much like today. Yesterday was a different day but mentally good so any minor annoyance or new expensive procedure coming up in April is just that, something to deal with one step, one antibiotic, one phone call or ten. Not worrying about things is freeing. I trust the rhythm of the Universe these days. And I have found that the more I give the more I receive so I keep on giving and will not stop until I die.

Wishing you all well and thank you for reading through my past blogs when life was not this quiet for my life has been a lot of drama these past years as my faithful followers have read as I can share my life with the world. The many lessons that I have learned having this disorder have been many and I don’t let it define me when it acts up; nor do I ignore it when it is at bay like right now; I respect it just like my many addictions. I don’t stop my meds for I know they help me and therapy is good too now that I have a therapist I trust. Hope you all have that too, good professionals in your life who care and guide you into the right cocktail of meds as more is revealed about your disorder. For no two cases of schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder are ever alike.

Feel free to write me anytime at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with comments, questions, or topics to write about on here. I answer every email but now have learned to check my trash mail as sometimes it gets sent there I have discovered sadly. Please feel free to use the search feature below to peruse my past blogging dating back to 2013, the year I began this blog.

Here’s that concert as promised of Brandi Carlile! Enjoy:)

peace

V

Disorder at bay…

My mind and spirit are stronger than ever before but physically that is another story for another day…

I met with my therapist today and it was perfect. It was better than good to meet with this psychologist again after a two week break due to his injury. I shared my deepest darkest secret today and it was safe with him. So I am relieved today that he was able to hold my space in non judgment. Quite the drama really but at peace ☮️ to share it.

I’m back on my old regimen of meds and doing very well. I’m there for my 4 children and husband and my newest love my granddaughter. She adores me! 5 months old now and 6 months since my dad passed away but is still a huge part of my life…

My next appointment of therapy I am going to read my eulogy I gave at my dads funeral. I am still grieving his physical presence but I can feel him with me In spirit. Every time an airplane flies overhead; every time I eat an ice cube, I think of him which is often because I live under the airport path and I eat ice all day. And his song to me that I rarely hear anymore by Izzy had me in tears 😭 this morning. He is the best dad ever I always told him the last 30 years of his life.

He warned me when we got close again after some time apart during my teenage years that he would die soon and I would get mad at him for saying that because he knew till the end how much I love him. He lived another 30 years.

I guess tonight’s blog is about how we never know when we will be called home so hug or call your mom and dad if they are still alive. Don’t wait till they are gone to miss them…

My husband’s cousin dropped dead Saturday at the age of 41 with a wife and two small children. So death is on my mind as I process this. I feel I have only lived half my life so far and I’m 52 and a half.

I do have good news though! I was published on that new platform writing about my time in New York. Felt good to write it and be accepted. It is an online magazine called Edge of Humanity. Isn’t that an incredible name? I will write more for them but the sadness of the war and my physical health is preventing me currently.

I have time though and while I recuperate I think of my many blessings of family and friends I have known, the material blessings I have gotten used to although I lead a very minimalist life. I have no needs except my ice coffee and cream and one last vice, not drugs anymore, but helps me to cope with my days. Quiet day today…

Maui in April I have to look forward to. Wishing you all aloha❤️