I won’t give up…or worry

Much angst today telling my woes through writing about ___…

I’m depleted of my good energy but I’m still looking up and bought some beautiful flowers 🌸 at our local nursery. Will plant them this evening…

I also prayed for Divine Will in my life and all I do after praying for all my loved ones and the world 🌎

I have peace once again and I don’t intend to lose it again…

I have come so far! I have overcome so much! I will not be defeated in spirit!

My mind and body might be tired but I took a Power Nap exactly 2:39-3:39 (my Fitbit keeps track) and all the numbers I see are in perfect order for me to move forward…

Learning what I am and what I’m not is an important lesson. I have new philosophical connections and even a publisher who might be interested in my writing on Logotherapy and it’s connection to schizophrenia.

This is a radical shift. Without… in my life I am progressing. This is how it ought to be. This is how it is. This is how it will be.

I have an important date coming up in 3 days with an intriguing decision to make. I will not worry about it. I will know what to do that day. God will lead me.

Sending love 💕

Victoria

May Series 2022~Inspiration in Nature…

But first a little brief housekeeping!

Thank you to those who are reviewing my nature thought journal!

And I want to share that mypersonalrecoveryfromschizophrenia has been rated as one of the top 20 Schizophrenia blogs by Feedspot! I manifested more readership and it is happening! Thanks Feedspot!

And for any of you with schizophrenia blogs like this one, feel free to apply as well. Good job! Good job me! ha ha link is right here for Feedspot…

Now for my current Nature obsession!

As any of you who have been with me a while now know that, I, like many people with schizophrenia have OCD qualities which can be good or bad depending on the type of reader you are and interest in the topic of my obsession. So I have been blogging in May Series 2022 about the body, mind and spirit connection that is lacking in most psychiatric and psychotherapy care. My blog on Logotherapy and Schizophrenia addresses this deficiency in current mental health care, which is part of how Logotherapy was born. I wish I knew now what I have been learning about with Viktor Frankl’s books, Man’s Search for Meaning and Will to Meaning and how when one has meaning in their life, they can stop being suicidal and not only survive and thrive, as I have begun to do. I might have even become a logotherapist…

It is all interconnected through our body, mind and spirit…

So where does Nature fall? To me it is found in all three. Man is unity despite multipliicity- paraphrased by Frankl. I am one person with 3 aspects of me.

So in nature, one can find inner strength through exercise (ie.. walking, sports, yoga and I might even try my strength training next workout), which raises our dopamine levels and helps the mind to be more balanced and even euphoric if enough energy is exerted! This happy sweet spot, which is different for each of us, leads us to thank our Creator for all the beauty and awe inspiring nature spots; that can even be found inside our house (see photo for my favorite houseplant), in our front or back yard, at our favorite park and even far away places like Maui! We are able to connect at a deeper level to the Divine when our body and minds’ needs are met but also if we aren’t quite there yet with an exercise routine, we can appreciate the delightful display’s of God’s goodness at its finest.

Last night I was appreciating the stars and moon. Here’s a borrowed thought- what if the stars only came out once every thousand years? We would all be out there on that night in amazement and awe. Yet we have the starry sky every evening and how many of us get out there to appreciate it. I know I am not always out there but go in spurts according to my interests.

Nature is everywhere! Where is your favorite local or vacation destination spot? Please feel free to share in the comments.

There has been much study about the wonderful benefits of spending at least 20 minutes a day in nature surroundings. I do pretty good most days…

Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better. —Albert Einstein

Becoming whole by addressing our body, mind and spirit connection may just be the future of mental health!

Have an awesome day!

pax

Victoria

Feeling within me…

I’ve been at a loss this week in many ways. Too many to write here. There’s been a lot of good too but today is hard.

My daughter is sick, I’m her caregiver when she gets sick 🤒 even though she is 28. and others in my life are not doing great right now so like usual I’m allowing other’s stress to affect me which I’m fighting with all that I am.

I just want to escape from it all. But am choosing instead to blog about it.

And then clean up the kitchen because I made an awesome dinner tonight which nobody except me ate.

I’m the one in recovery from schizophrenia but all those around me are falling apart. I’m not sure how to pick myself back up. I need a new day and am going to use my coping skills to manage my schizophrenia.

Cleaning and healthy smoothie are old favorites which worked tonight 😊

My schizophrenia has been under control thanks to God and my hard work that I put into every day.

So looking on the bright side of things as my dad taught me today was a very productive day despite all the lack of control I have over the people in my life…

I walked 3 miles, cleaned my house, took care of my daughter and pups 🐶. And took care of me! I also didn’t buy anything when I went to my favorite store to pick up an order. Progress!

I was thinking of trying to work again but know that the reason why I am doing so well right now is because I don’t work outside the home. But it’s hard to accept some days when I have so much to offer. That’s why I’m not going to pursue my doctorate. What is the point if I can’t work.

I will continue to write and blog because that helps me greatly. I forgot to mention that I also couldn’t use my laptop today the way I’m used to. It’s being funky and won’t go online. Which meant I couldn’t work on my Nature Thought Journal I started in Maui a few weeks ago. It’s coming along nicely so another frustration in my day.

I won’t give up is my mantra in all that I do.

I won’t give up on finding meaning in my life despite my diagnosis. It’s hard to believe that I earned my Masters degree in psychology post diagnosis! But I find meaning in helping others so feel free to drop me an email at Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I answer all emails and have met some great friends on here. Also feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my experience with schizophrenia and check out my May series 2020 and 2022 above this blog. Tomorrow will be working more on May series 2022 and the mind, body spirit connection in psychiatry and psychotherapy.

I Truly feel a more holistic approach is needed to treat this disorder for people to recover.

Pax

Victoria

Fought with God and lost but I’m the lucky one…

God has spoken, not a voice but another situation has led me to believe that I cannot think about working or pursuing my doctorate. I accept.

My time will be devoted to writing for free to give others and myself hope and meaning in this sometimes hard life…

That is all for tonight.

God is good and I truly feel I am not psychotic but the lucky one!

I accept my limitations and embrace my future…

Because I am strong, brave, willing and as honest as one can be given any situation.

good night

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Happy Mental Health month! Upcoming

Great to be back home after a nice vacation and a relaxing weekend!

My usual series for May is in the works!

I will be exploring the body, mind and spirit connection focusing on the work of Viktor Frankl’s insight on how man is unity yet multiplicity. And how taking it beyond that can affect the world benefiting us and others.

My self study on philosophical ideas is causing me to turn this blog into a little different posts.

Hope will also be an ongoing theme for my writing and all it encompasses. Without Hope we are dead inside. Hope keeps us going and when it is lacking reading and writing and mindful activities provide it.

May you all have much hope today and every day, to live your best lives and embrace your humanity!

Forget any diagnosis for now but keep taking your meds as I do or keep trying to find the best cocktail for you! We are all different yet the same in many ways.

Peace love hope and joy be with you all!

Victoria

Schizophrenia and Logotherapy

Upcoming blog post on looking at Logotherapy in terms of Schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder.

Studying Viktor Frankl’s books on vacation, mainly Man’s Search for Meaning and The Will to Meaning. Light topics on Frankl’s theory and practice of Logotherapy he wrote from his experience in Auschwitz’s concentration camps.

He wrote Man’s Search for Meaning in ten days and its ways of giving meaning to the other prisoners who had lost hope is just incredible.

I would like to briefly interpret it in terms of Schizophrenia and Schizoaffective Disorder or any heavy mental health diagnosis.

There are 3 stages to explore. The first stage is shock, disgust and delusions of reprieve. The second stage is acceptance, apathy and routine and the third, which is where I am, is freedom, release and liberation.

I have been examining my stages and the hardest one was the shock I realized I was first diagnosed in 2008. It was a turbulent time of recognizing that my mental health was and continued to be precarious up until recently.

The second stage of routine, apathy and acceptance was the longest by far. I felt like a robot and that this was how it was going to be forever on heavy antipsychotic meds, many hospital stays and an apathetic existence.

Now that I’m in the third phase of release, freedom and liberation, I can use my experience to write about it. I can easily revert back to old patterns though with stress, lack of sleep and/or exercise and poor nutrition.

More to come in May as we prepare to celebrate mental health awareness month.

“If man has a why to live for he can bear almost any why” Nietzsche

Aloha

Victoria

Venice Beach tonight..

Enjoying being out and about at Santa Monica pier and Venice Beach in California.

Last night was a night to fully grieve for my dad who passed away last September. Many tears, realizations and emptiness inside after some journaling.

Wednesday I read the eulogy I gave at my dads funeral in December to my therapist. It was received well. My therapist understands better now the kind man my father was to me. And that my dad is still a huge part of my life from heaven above.

Every time I see a plane which often happens when I need it, some ethereal moment in my day confirmed by a plane or any time I bite an ice cube 🧊! Orbs in pictures still or videos along with his gentle guidance.

I will ask him a question and wait and often I know exactly what he would want or have a new thought or word come into my head.

The grief is no longer unbearable but still miss him very much. I read my journal from last year and I read my own words that when my father died a part of me would die inside too. It is true even though I have him in a different way now.

Tears 😭

I am very happy tonight though to be on the right cocktail of meds so my disorder remains at bay. And my life coach has given me new homework on how to protect myself from negative energies. Already used one today at the beach where there were so many people.

When I get back home tomorrow will be continuing to work on my new article about the symbolic meaning of the lotus flower 🌸 and how its sacredness and inner wisdom is helping me to heal as a sometimes dark empath.

My past few months of angst are behind me and I find comfort in music from Iceland 🇮🇸. Piano and string instruments along with one woman’s deep enthralling voice of exactly where I am at.

Peaceful tonight and wishing you all peace as well as having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is only brought to my mind anymore when I am taking my meds.

I feel I am emerging as a new person with some pain but no longer delusional and emotionally stable which I see continuing as long as I stay on the safe path.

Back to my title, Venice, my husband and I drove the coast down highway 1 aka pch pacific coast highway and he drove so I got to fully appreciate the beauty and powerful waves of the Pacific Ocean. Was perfect!

We got lost but avoided an accident several times along the way. We sat in our car and listened to kroq and punk rock music 🎶 from times of old and just enjoyed the day. He people watched and I stared at the Ferris wheel 🎡 in picture wishing I could go on it or at least the merry go round. I didn’t because there were so many people but pretended which I am good at.

Tomorrow attending a celebration of life for my husband’s cousin who dropped dead at age 41 a few weeks ago. So sad 😞 as he left behind two young daughters and a wife who is strong but must be hard. Will be a day with his family. But today was good to spend all day with my husband ❤️

V

Musings of the day…

No gardening this week at any level! I hope that my overrun garden isn’t a sign of my spiritual condition.

Still doing nothing but study altruism today. I find all sources to be lacking so far of what I seek and wish to study. Altruism is the art of giving with no benefit. Sitting around talking about our accomplishments isn’t my idea of doing good. So I ask it again~ Is altruism possible in this day and age? For to give with no benefit is really hard to do. When I gave to a family in the Ukraine I was giddy with excitement. That isn’t altruism but I couldn’t help it and then I got a thank you from the family for they wished to express their thanks fully. But instead of helping me feel good about my good deed it made me feel worse.

But I will keep on keeping on, blogging and writing articles for Edge of Humanity and other magazines I hope to find where my articles can be read and perhaps help a soul or two or many.

I have much freedom today to do as I wish, to buy whatever I need, to exercise and eat healthy but I ask again the question, how can I enjoy my comfortable life when others are in great need and in despair over war, poor health and the unthinkable? I can’t really, I must do more.

My new life coach has helped me greatly to design a life vision board which includes addressing my addiction to drugs, alcohol and _ _ _ by giving much thought to my mind, body and spirit activities. I have created an online vision board using a free site called Canva. For detailed instructions go here. It is easy to use and although I did sign up for the free premier trial to get the design that I wanted of muted colors and the perfect layout, you don’t have to and it is likely I will cancel it before getting charged monthly but enjoy it in the meantime. I downloaded my copy and saved it as my screensaver. This is mine. Not sure why there’s a black line in center crossing my mom’s name out lol subconscious message perhaps.

It is a great help in my holistic approach to recovery from the addiction of the day. Those of you who are addicts will understand that. I am an addict and freely admit I am powerless over many addictions. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. So I stay on the safe side and avoid them like the plague. I have to think like this for my sanity, for my recovery.

Although my thinking is hot or cold, black or white, I am finding with this new approach in my recovery that I am discovering a lot of grey areas and I like the color grey very much.

No more meetings right now for me and no desire to use or return to poor choices that leave me depleted but instead an exciting journey into myself, especially finding yoga daily to be beneficial!

I will leave you all tonight with my favorite quote of the year.

I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual.
— Henry David Thoreau

peace, V

Beautiful day and evening last night…

This is me today. Just a trickle of water at a water fall an hour away! Took the drive by myself so I could come and go as I wish from husband’s Vw car show! 303 Volkswagens from as far as Washington to here in California! With a tribute to last year’s winner of oldest driver of a Vw being 92 who passed away this last year ❤️. Families with dogs and kids abounded with glee at all the different types of Volkswagens present.

But me not impressed with cars hiked upwards to the falls. It got colder as I moved my legs and snapped this photo to remember the exhilarating feeling of success. I said hello to several fellow hikers and made friends with one dog. It was a good day with 3 miles in total.

I’m tired tonight.

Yesterday was recovery from the previous days of angst . I’m telling my story backwards though so bear with me as I start at the beginning.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He was out with his best friend and I had the house to myself all night. It was glorious!

I attended two recovery meetings and was of service on accident lol and shared at both meetings. It was good and I’m grateful once again for my sobriety!

After I journaled, took a lovely bath and did short yoga 🧘‍♀️ stretching. Then I stayed up late researching the internet for a situation that baffles me. It helped especially since it had to do with psychology and love. Didn’t find the answer but ruled out quite a bit of confusion in my mind.

Woke up early today and was at peace. Found a new obsession of an app called Blinkist that gives snippets of books and the main ideas of much information I am interested in. Listened to 5 summaries and read 3.

Then I headed out for my adventure. I don’t have any close friends so I decided to call it my solo adventure. It was grand! I like me and enjoyed my own company very much. I stopped when and where I wanted to and listened to my music and thought a lot about the past month and a half.

Progress not perfection as we say it in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I will sleep well tonight, that is after editing my writing ✍️ piece on suicidal thinking. It’s called “The ocean calls to me often “ and if all goes well I will be posting it tomorrow.

It is sad with dare I call it hope but the truth of my mad existence.

So stay tuned and wishing all my readers some peaceful days amongst the hard ones!

The peace didn’t last…

Well I had two days of peace so there’s that.

Tonight I am fighting for my sanity and fear I am at a loss.

Started in the morning. Shared on a public forum I have schizophrenia. Big mistake. I shared a piece of my experience with a trusted friend who has helped me in so many ways. Who knows what they think of me now. Doesn’t really matter except to me.

I don’t like people I know personally to know how much I suffer with this disorder.

It’s not shame but rather that they may pity me which is the last thing I ever want. I want to pretend that all is well. But it is not, peace may come at times but this disorder is a bastard. My mind is my worst enemy and other times my best friend.

I always find the darkest place to go.

Yesterday I was of relief and tonight the chickens in my mind are tearing each other apart which is why I have music on pretty much all day. Tonight it isn’t even working.

There was much good in today though. Last night I wrote an article for my new platform and got feedback from a trusted friend and the feedback was insightful and positive. The part that I feared wasn’t going to be well received was their favorite part. This gives me hope to finish it tonight although it is late.

Off I go and this article I will be sharing on here as well. It is on what it is like to be suicidal and I only wrote it to help loved ones to understand a little bit about it in my own experience. So follow me if interested.

Peace ✌️

Victoria