Beautiful day and evening last night…

This is me today. Just a trickle of water at a water fall an hour away! Took the drive by myself so I could come and go as I wish from husband’s Vw car show! 303 Volkswagens from as far as Washington to here in California! With a tribute to last year’s winner of oldest driver of a Vw being 92 who passed away this last year ❤️. Families with dogs and kids abounded with glee at all the different types of Volkswagens present.

But me not impressed with cars hiked upwards to the falls. It got colder as I moved my legs and snapped this photo to remember the exhilarating feeling of success. I said hello to several fellow hikers and made friends with one dog. It was a good day with 3 miles in total.

I’m tired tonight.

Yesterday was recovery from the previous days of angst . I’m telling my story backwards though so bear with me as I start at the beginning.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He was out with his best friend and I had the house to myself all night. It was glorious!

I attended two recovery meetings and was of service on accident lol and shared at both meetings. It was good and I’m grateful once again for my sobriety!

After I journaled, took a lovely bath and did short yoga 🧘‍♀️ stretching. Then I stayed up late researching the internet for a situation that baffles me. It helped especially since it had to do with psychology and love. Didn’t find the answer but ruled out quite a bit of confusion in my mind.

Woke up early today and was at peace. Found a new obsession of an app called Blinkist that gives snippets of books and the main ideas of much information I am interested in. Listened to 5 summaries and read 3.

Then I headed out for my adventure. I don’t have any close friends so I decided to call it my solo adventure. It was grand! I like me and enjoyed my own company very much. I stopped when and where I wanted to and listened to my music and thought a lot about the past month and a half.

Progress not perfection as we say it in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I will sleep well tonight, that is after editing my writing ✍️ piece on suicidal thinking. It’s called “The ocean calls to me often “ and if all goes well I will be posting it tomorrow.

It is sad with dare I call it hope but the truth of my mad existence.

So stay tuned and wishing all my readers some peaceful days amongst the hard ones!

Pondering much tonight…

As I finally began my writing work I find it hard now to tell my stories. I am writing two; one of a very dark time in my life and another about the symbolism of the lotus flower. I need both to balance the writing I am doing.

It is good to be working again with no deadlines to pressure me. I have also been thinking about returning to theater 🎭. That was a very fun time in my life. I watched west side story last night and have been dancing around the house today to the soundtrack for la la land.

I know my life is changing before my very eyes. What is most stable though is my marriage which I am so grateful for! We watched the best part of Liar Liar and laughter arose as we watched the irreverence of Jim Carey 😂

Then we both parted our ways him heading out late to his weekly Friday bbq with his Volks buddies and me to spend a quiet night to do with as I wish. He does bring me ribs and steak throughout the night as he did now.

In fact more along the marriage thread, the other night as we lay in bed and had been talking quite a bit about many topics of which I had been asking him my deepest questions feeling safe in his strength in answering of them. He was falling asleep and I asked him if I could ask him one last question 🙋‍♀️. He said yes and I asked him “what is the meaning of life “ he got mad for a second then realized I was messing with him.

Ah marriage to the right man can be so satisfying. Then I went to sleep in the meditation room because he snores and tosses and turns all night! We’ve been sleeping separately for years and are quite content. But we spend almost every night lying down together close to his bedtime. I stay up much later because that is when I come alive.

Off to work on my writing some more hoping it will flow this time…

Question of the day to be or not to be answered but I ask it anyway because I’m curious. How do you all find a balance in life? amongst work, play, rest and for most of us recovery from anything really.

Best

V

Does anyone else see defeat as feedback?

Like the fact that I can’t work because of my schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder? Yet there is always enough money… and more even?

To do as I wish along with my duties and much joy even as I relax tonight with restful yoga and my dog at my feet. I’m doing a 30 day challenge for yoga 🧘‍♀️. I’ve done 4 out of 8 days which before was 0 out of 4!

I’m learning how to love myself as I am, learning what I enjoy, need and figure out how to be.

This is feedback my friends. This is real. If I was working I wouldn’t have time to reflect on all of this. Music is always my companion. As I look into myself for answers within placed there by the rhythm of the Universe, some of it love, and some assurance I am in Gods Will.

When I speak of love I do not mean attachment to people but rather obliteration of self and all beliefs that do not serve me well in this moment…

That is all;that is enough

Stay tuned for our next guest article I have requested a specific subject of interest for those with mental health disorders. We shall see 😊

Late night blog…

Hot tea, incense burning, lavender oil on pillow, and hand lotion, music so pretty, winding down for the night but it has been a crazy sort of day…

Melt down, recovering still, must be gentle with myself…

My best friend knows and is praying 🙏

No voices no messages and grateful for that!

I toy with danger at times and last night I got too close to the flames 🔥

Tonight it’s a 180’ turn

Much better and not bored

Good night 💤

Peace love light and joy

Pax

Victoria

May series cont…Music~

Music has always been a part of my life…

It speaks to my soul at times and other times it is just a distraction…

Music used strategically can be a great motivator.  Listen to a favorite relaxing or jamming song after you accomplish a task, new or one you have been putting  off.  And then walk or dance or just sit in a comfortable chair or lay on your bed and listen away…

It also is fun when others enjoy your music with you.  I love listening to Simple Man with my husband as it is his favorite and I enjoy it more because of that… or listening to Jason Mraz, I won’t give up or Sarah Bareilles, She used to be mine or 1000 things.

I love almost all music from gospel with Elvis Presley to Heavy Metal Metallica or Pearl Jam.  The only music I don’t have a taste for is jazz but I appreciate people who are into it, and country on a limited basis of a handful of artist,  Keith Urban or Shania Twain.  Can’t forget Johnny Cash, Elton John and George Michael.

The last talented artist I will address is Justin Bieber.  I am a huge fan of this artist because of his dedication to others who suffer like him, giving them hope when he himself has seen the darkness depression enslaves…  giving away so much through his music, documentaries and interviews.  Thank you to all!

Pax

Victoria

 

With a mother’s heart…

I wish all of you a Happy Mother’s Day!  All woman need to be celebrated today I believe…

Jason Mraz has a new song called Wise Woman which is here just in time for Mother’s Day.  Beautiful rhythm and melody and the words capture many woman in my life.  For we are not mothers because we give birth to a child, no we are mothers when we care for another needs; albeit a pet, spouse or anyone in our life that we may touch.

I have 3 mothers. I am very blessed.  I have my mother in heaven, Mary, who helps me at every turn.  I have my adoptive mother who means the world to me because she chose me and loves me so.  And I have my birth mom, who is amazing and I wish I could get to be in her life more but alas it is not to be.

And I am a mother of 4 (3 still living) and was very blessed by them all weekend.

More gardening tomorrow.

God bless you all!  Especially moms who either have schizophrenia or are moms of children who have schizophrenia.

Pax

Victoria

 

May 2020 Series~

Flashback Tuesday!

Welcome to this series, which I published during the pandemic in 2020.

Here are the topics for the May 2020 series. Feel free to click on the link to go to the page. Enjoy!

As usual I can be reached at my private email: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

Peace to all of you

pax

Victoria

Over productivity side affects…

Greetings to all!

I have been busier than usual this weekend and today…

But I’m still looking for that safe place to land…

Feeling off despite being physically active.  Took my cbd oil and have been taking my supplements but I’m just a little off.  Listening to heavy metal music right now.  It’s my mood.  Off to Nether nether land, boom!

It’s great to have projects to be doing and all the while keeping up with house and bills.  I have a friend who is not mentally disordered who told me today that she quit from her job as maid and cook.  I was like wow, how do you do that?  Haven’t heard back.  Problems in the union I suppose but it made me grateful that I am not feeling like quitting but it would be nice to get a day off.

I do a lot in a day most days lately but I take a lot of breaks.  Still vaping unfortunately but it is an addiction and not one easy to break.  One day…

My unit family at home with me are all pitching in to make the yard better.  This is a miracle.  We have weeds everywhere, well not anymore, and it is great to be buying plants.  Today my husband wanted an orange tree so off I went!  Son will dig hole and plant it and I will take care of it.

I have a side garden where I like to relax with my doggies and it has been overgrown with weeds for over a year.  I am physically limited on how much I can do.  I am not in great shape for gardening but am trying.  My daughter did all the weeding on the side garden!  She worked hard and I am so grateful.

May series starts soon!  It has been a challenge to write the blogs in a word document that really addresses my guessing at what types of readers read this blog.  I don’t get much feedback and always target the Schizophrenia population as that is where my heart lies.  So the aim of this series will be around how some of these activities can be helpful to people with Schizophrenia.  But they are also helpful for people with other mental health disorders or anybody right now with this pandemic.  Off I go to write day 2!

Still open to suggestions.  Feel free to email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com and let me know your interests and struggles.  This is my personal email and will not be seen by anybody but me.

So to conclude.  I am off mentally today but that is ok.  I am not going to be 100 percent every day.  And although I am being over productive I find it is hard for me to rest now that I have gotten a taste of what activities can do for me.  But am going to lay down and take a nap because that is the next thing on my list then it is back to the gardens!

God bless and stay safe.

Pax

Victoria

 

 

How are we doing?…

These are weird times and I wonder how my followers and new readers are doing.  I know not many will answer but I care so am asking.  And if you don’t know here is the checklist I use to check in with myself.

  • Am I keeping my appointments with my psychiatrist, therapist, friends I check in with, touching in with family? Yes.
  • How is my anxiety?  Good.  What do I need right now?  A bath, incense, relaxing activities…Do I need to take a deep breath in and out a few times? yes.  Is my body tense in some areas? No. Do I need to stretch or do some yoga for a bit? yes but not going too because it’s too late.  Take my cbd oil? yes Drink a glass of water?  drinking one right now.  Wash my hands, again? no
  • Have I exercised or at least moved my body?  yes.
  • Have I gotten outside for some sunshine and fresh air? yes.
  • How are my delusions?  Today not so bad, not feeling very special which is great!
  • am I hearing voices or sounds?  nah, haven’t for many years except for the occasional humming in my ear.
  • Am I taking my medicine?  yes, just did, never miss a dose
  • have I gotten my favorite music in mainly Jason Mraz?  Yes and yes, found a new band, Music, travel, love.  Very relaxing…
  • Have I connected with God?  I ask this question last not least and my answer is yes but no messages, thank you God!

These are just some of my questions I ask myself.  So my answer about how I am doing is pretty good tonight.  Off to bed, meant to write about my crazy day but alas this came out instead.

God bless you all,

pax

Victoria

Upcoming guest article on financial planning for my readers and me too!

Gracefully, I was contacted by a gentleman who wanted to bring his knowledge of financial planning to my blog.  Happily I accepted and it will be released soon coming up hopefully by this weekend.  It’s good advice for anyone but especially people who suffer from Schizophrenia or other mental health disorders (I still refuse to call myself sick).

So watch for it with the # financial planning for the mentally disordered or follow my blog.  You can also contact me as usual at: victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com with any questions or suggestions.

I have never had a guest blogger so am pretty excited to share his blog with you.  Thank you ahead Ed!

As far as my quarantined life I am doing pretty good actually.  Been keeping myself busy with various cooking, cleaning, gardening and blogging projects.  Which by the way leads to my next topic.

May 1, 2020 I will be releasing a series of blogs throughout May with various topics daily hopefully.  My first blog will be on the benefits of…. your choice or mine?  Any suggestions see email above and put in title, topic request.

Some that I am thinking of are music, gardening, yoga, eating healthy etc.  But am open.

I am also awaiting my new acoustic guitar to arrive!!!  Should my first song be “I won’t give up” by my favorite musician Jason Mraz?  For those of you who have been with me for a while know my mantra has been through my hardest times, ‘still not giving up’ based on Jason’s song.  So it will be a tribute of some sort to him.  My son plans to learn it too and is also excited  But I am staying sane and healthy at home for now with my other projects.

Hope this blog finds all of you with peace and love in your hearts,

pax

Victoria