The angels 👼 surround us always…

That is who you are

Even if we don’t believe that there are many angels 😇 here now~ I can feel them and tonight my late father who was never late on earth and tonight was right on time from heaven above 👆

But let me tell the story before the beautiful ending which is for me a renewed joy and beginning once again!

I have recently lost another friend, who was my support in recovery ❤️‍🩹, my confidant my favorite person to share my disorder with. I miss the friendship very much but still see this person in my recovery group. They shared tonight that they are getting used to change…

I had a good day, great actually. My dog doesn’t need surgery after 3 weeks or more of not knowing. After the vet, I visited my mom who is back in my life in a way we have never known before. There was even a time up till 3 weeks ago when I couldn’t even have a picture of her without my late dad! But today we took my pup on a stroll and just enjoying the day, the beautiful weather, the well doggie 🐶 and each other.

We never know when a healing will take place or when more suffering will come.

I am not indifferent these days like I was when I was using weed and alcohol to numb out from all my pain. I feel things strongly now which can be good or bad. I am grateful today that I can feel!

So after my time with my mom♥️, I attended my recovery meeting where I got clean off weed 7 months and 14 days ago. The meeting was on something about change and I shared as did the recovery friend I was close to. I left the meeting right after thanking the host.

The next 2 hours I spent mad at God. But I must trust that He/She knows best for me in all situations, but during that two hour pity party the thought of taking a drink did cross my mind but didn’t entertain it and had a burnt cookie 🍪 instead. Did I mention I am trying to quit all forms of sugar starting today? The cookie helped and during this time I realized something.

That was that it is my twin dogs 🐕 birthday tonight at midnight 🕛 because they are leap year puppies and are ten years old in about an hour. I decided to celebrate and brushed them both and put pretty bows on them and danced around and gave them treats! Sent pictures to a few who care about me and my dogs 🐶!

Did some chores and finally sat down listening to the end of my favorite new worship album. I looked at my Fitbit and it was 10:18 which is my dad’s birthday on earth 🌍. I kissed my watch and checked it again and lo and behold it was 10:19.

I knew it was a message from my dad, the best dad ever comforting me from heaven. Tears 😭 streamed down my face and I knew that there were many angels 👼 surrounding me, one of them my dad in heaven.

Thanks for reading this far. God blessings to you all and may we always trust in God’s will for us now and always ♥️🙏😊🐶

Sober another 24 hours and grateful for all those in my life and those who have passed on and all who have helped me be who I am today…

God is love…

And love is everything. In our love for the source of all that is good! Love must permeate my every action and belief.

I believe in an equal world 🌎 for all nations, genders, sexuality or lack thereof, religions, religious and atheists too! And to all who believe in communicating with the dead and God.

Bless you all! Every country, all people!

Namaste peace love light and joy



The benefits of having a spiritual practice…

Victoria here!  Peace be with all of you in these distressing times.  But I’m glad you stopped in to check out the second blog of the May series.  If spiritual talk makes you uncomfortable, I used to be atheist so you never know where you will end up.

Anyway, without further ado here it is.~

The benefits of having a spiritual practice

Often, when I remember I pray an Our Father to God for His will to be done before I decide what to do next.  It helps.  Christ before me, Christ around me, Christ above me, Christ in all things be His Glory.

I used to be an atheist many years ago.  It was the emptiest time of my life.  I took off to New York City when I was 18 to become a famous actress/singer.  Well I was too busy panhandling, doing drugs, squatting in an abandoned apartment building, and God knows what else.  I came back after one winter there, broken.  I started rehab with my parents help and started going to NA meetings.  This is where I found God, or He found me.  God is not lost; we are.

So I took very seriously the steps of this program.  I was asked in my recovery to find a higher power that was greater than myself.  Well, I was compliant and one day I was at the beach and I chose the ocean because of its vastness, power and beauty.

A few days later it struck me that something had made that ocean.  I came to believe in God that easy.  Later, I accepted Jesus in my heart as my personal Lord and Savior and eventually reverted back to the Catholic Church my childhood religion which I practiced for 20 years.  I became attracted to the teachings of the Buddha although I am not Buddhist.  The open teachings of the Buddha took me on my continued spiritual path.  I’m not sure what I am now, but believe it doesn’t matter.  I do believe in Christ and much of the wisdom of Buddha and do still consider myself a Catholic although not practicing.

My favorite saying by the Buddha is to “Do no harm”.  And I try to live by that principle.

I am going to share with you my very personal spiritual practice.  I used to be way more religious prior to receiving the gift of schizophrenia in 2006 and then for a year and a half when I was psychotic and thought I was receiving messages from God.

Then nothingness… for many years.  The meds stopped it all, the voices and messages.  Emptiness, silence, and peace at last from the demanding messages.  It was a bittersweet period for several reasons.  But eventually I wrote a book, which is no longer available, about some of my spiritual beliefs.  I do have a few copies if anyone wants one though.

It is called, “Loving God, suffering and being in His will for all”.  It is a blend of my first book and has a book in it.  I’m complicated with no apologies though because at the time I felt inspired by God to write and finish it and it took a lot of years to do so.

We have a thousand and one choices every day and if I don’t take care of my spirit, all else doesn’t matter.  If I do a good deed, I try to keep it quiet only sharing when I hope it will inspire others to think of other people as well.  There is just so much need right now and we can’t do it without the power from above, under and around us.  Can’t see the wind but it’s there.  Same with God.  I can’t feel Him but believe in His loving presence in every aspect of my life.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

I start my day with prayer, Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be.  Then I read the Church teachings.  I meditate throughout the day and offer up all my suffering to God .  I pray my rosary at least a few decades daily and love the Memore.

I think the point I want to get across is that whatever your belief system it is good to have a routine of some sort.  Starting my day with prayer enables me to look up to heaven and place my requests before God for the day.  But your routine might not look anything like that.

Some sort of Higher Power, without sounding too NA, in your life will really help you to take care of your spirit.

For those non-believers who have made it this far, God only knows your reasons for not believing in Him or something greater than yourself, don’t fret.  Stressing will not lead you down a good path.  Just relax and offer up an intention in the wind for some sort of belief in the unknown.

Only when we die will we know the truth and I don’t believe it stops there but I will repeat what I have heard many times in my life.  I would rather err on the side of caution and if the day I die there is nothing everlasting it won’t matter but if I do believe in something then wham! life everlasting in heaven, nirvana or endless bliss for all our suffering on earth and despite our misdeeds will be rewarded for an act of kindness.  So go do one good deed and let your intention be to believe in something, anything.

I don’t always have faith but I believe despite how I feel.

Many people with Schizophrenia suffer from religious obsession; but then can’t connect with God once on medication.  I feel for you and I have no answers beyond that although we do not know why this has happened to us, it has and many people have it worse.  If you are reading this blog and are in this category start with yoga and meditation, which is the next topic in this series.  Relax and take it easy.  Don’t be hard on God for He gives to those He loves the most the hardest sufferings and having Schizophrenia is indeed a huge suffering.

Where I feel I could improve is to do my chores with an intention while doing them, or to remember to set one before starting long or short mundane tasks.

Peace be with you, in Christ,




In the best mental health space in a while…

Dear readers, old and new, followers, purusers, and the like from around the world.

I am doing really well right now happy to report.  I have Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder since 2006 and the road has had many ups and downs with several relapses due to the stress of working mainly.  I don’t work anymore and haven’t for many years, on permanent disability which is great right now because my husband gladly isn’t working.

But how am I doing so well?  I am surrounded by my husband, adult daughter and son and my pups!  I have so much to be grateful for, God, my family, loved ones, first responders and those who work every day to help the first responders like my other son and daughter in law.  Can’t minimize the importance of their valuable contribution to society in these most difficult times.

Because I don’t work I am used to a lot of alone time and having most of my family with me right now really helps.  We rotate around the house and each of us give the others the space we need.  Here are the ways each of us are dealing with this global crisis.  We all have our own way to deal so thought to share how my family is getting on.

My husband has the tv (with the news) on most of the time so I have my ear buds in with relaxing music (current fave is the Staves, make it holy), then he watches something else or the other day he watched comedians for three hours.  It was great to hear him laugh.  When he needs to, he goes out to his big garage he built a few years ago and listens to loud music and drinks beer and calls his friends.

My daughter is working from home for the moment although her job may become obsolete soon.  So I see her in spurts throughout the day.  When she is not working she is face-timing friends and coworkers and watching shows.  She wants to work out but it isn’t a priority i guess but I think it would really help her…

My 21 year old baby son sleeps until 2 or 3 every day because he stays up late playing his games and catching up on the news.  He gets his anger about the situation out by cursing at the monitor… but he is trying to work out at least several days a week and last night encouraged us to play a game of Yahtzee which he won.  I was surprised by how he had his strategy down.

For the most part I do all the cooking and clean up with occasional help from my daughter.  I don’t mind because anything I do right now to stay busy keeps my mind off all the fears I’m sure we all have.  And cooking creatively right now and sitting down together as a family should is really really nice.  Hope it continues past this time…

Why else am I doing so well?

I am really keeping up with my supplement routine.  I take my Goterpy Cbd oil full spectrum two or three times a day which really helps with stress, mental clarity by Shaklee helps me to be focused and remember things, vitamins D and B (sublingual for energy) and I have elderberry syrup on the way to support the immune system.

I am also staying very active, walking, gardening, cleaning and then cleaning some more, yoga and dancing.  I am aware of the news through a trusted local source and another but I don’t spend much time if any on social media.

I just know right now many of us are suffering with the way the world is turning but having a routine every day and sticking to it is paramount to our mental health.  It might be just one thing extra other than taking your meds and taking care of your mental and physical health that you set out to do each day.

I was feeling better one day, so made a huge list of things I wanted to get done.  Well at the end of the day I crumpled up the list because I did nothing on the list.  Then I started putting one thing to accomplish outside of my regular routine on each day of my planner for the week and voila!  The magic of not having the pressure of a bunch of things helped me so much mentally that I actually did much much more than I had set out.

I went to bed with a cleaner house, tired body and mental and physical satisfaction that it had been a good productive day.  But I know not every day will be like that so acceptance of that fact is important to setting realistic goals each day in this time of the unknown when we don’t know when things will get back to normal.

I also am really trying not to go to the store right now.  I have to go tomorrow to pick up my meds for the month so will pick up some essentials.  If I use the food in my cupboards, fridge and freezer I will save money and not expose myself extra to this virus.  I challenge you to do so too!  If more Americans and the rest of the world would practice this the pandemic would halt to a slow and we will be able to get back to some normalcy.

Hope this longer than usual blog is helpful at some levels.

Praying for all of you and the whole world.

I can be reached at for anything…



Things that stress me out…


and how I cope with a mental disorder.

  1. Money, although there always is some but yet wham, the unexpected or balloon payment is due like say for your taxes.  Mine are due in October.  Think of something else.  Don’t spend a dime.  Save if one can, even pennies add up to dollars.  I have definitely gotten better at saving this year.  I stopped shopping for everything on Amazon and am being more frugal about going to the store for every little item.  My husband was supposed to take over the bills because of my disorder but it hasn’t happened and never will probably.

I don’t work so I have more time to find coupons and deals when we do spend.  He makes a decent income so if I am careful I can really tuck some money away if I’m careful.

I know I am blessed.  I can’t imagine being single and having to rely on my disability income which I get $1,000 a month.

2. Sickness and getting older.  I am not as fit as I used to be but am getting back on track.  But I have been dealing for the past two weeks with a new medical problem surrounding digestive issues and am really trying to avoid going to the doctor right now because of lack of insurance (see #3) at least until October 1.

To combat this stress I try to eat healthy all the time with the occasional goodie.  I also am now exercising 4x a week on average.  I am gardening, walking and doing yoga throughout the week.  This helps my getting in better shape and also helps mental alertness and health.  Today was a rest day and all I wanted to do was to rest but I am in the middle of several projects around the house and rose garden so it was actually harder than I thought it would be to take a day off but my body needed the rest.  So back at it tomorrow!

Although this can stress me out a lot I am learning that the key to my happiness is acceptance.

Now i am much more motivated to do the healthy things that I am doing.  Which in the past it has really been problematic to just sit all day and do nothing, now I do rest in the mornings but do get busier later in the day.  So it is good that I am treating my body better because I have really been sick a lot and it has caused me to make sure I do all I can to be healthy.

I might go to the doctor this week.  We shall see how things go but this relates to #1 the money stress with doctor bills and testing they might want to do.

3.  My parents.  I accept they will not always be around but my dad is paralyzed on his left half of his body and my mom is a fighter but is still very frail yet tough as a bird!

How I combat this stress is by spending as much time with them as I can and appreciating every moment.

4.  Kids and husband.  Kids is easy to combat.  All the work I put in when they were growing up has paid off and although I might not agree with all their decisions I am very proud of the 3 of them.  Interestingly enough, my disorder did not kick in until I was 38 and I was only lost to the world for a year of being psychotic.  Husband is one of my kids ha ha so ditto for him.

I also stress over the unexpected busy day, making sure I take all my meds, doing all I can for my family and friends even when an interruption comes at an inconvenient time.  I used to turn off my phone, which I still do, but I do take calls when I can as needed to be a good friend!

Well that is the main stuff.  What are some things that stress you out and how do you cope?  Comment below or email me at

Bless you all!  Of  course I pray a lot too and try to trust what God is doing.  But it isn’t always easy to do.




Checking in sorry not as promised…

Dear readers,

I don’t blog much these days but life has been crazy.

I am learning what works for me, what motivates me and how to deal with some difficult emotions found around those I love, tears, smiles and a lot more.  But for the most part I am doing really well despite this difficult diagnosis.

Some of the things I do to stay well is to every day do the following:

Deep breaths


read my bible

self care

garden (ok not every day)

Keep my house up

take care of my doggies

take care of the bills, taxes, cars, houses and paperwork

read inspirational books and articles or watch Tedtalks

exercise several times a week (yoga, walking, cleaning house, and going to start interval running.

and last but not least I listen to inspirational music mainly Jason Mraz (ok I am obsessed with him and his music ha ha)

Life is pretty good right now except for some minor anxiety.  I also take a few supplements NAC, CBD oil full spectrum (because of taking this oil I am no longer delusional) and magnesium.  I also take my anti-psychotic meds every day no matter how I feel.

I don’t feel the need to blog as much as I used to because the delusions are gone.  Come to find out the book I wrote I was delusional while writing it.  When I reread it (which is rare) I find that I don’t remember even writing it.  I remember my delusions and although I am free of them it’s nice to be free!

Hope all of you are doing well!





How do I keep busy while I await….

I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…

I have applied for a job which I might get…

But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.

I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.

Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours.  I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.

I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on.  I also just bought a windchime for the front.  Not windy right now though.

I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations.  This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January.  It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year.  I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to.  Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?

I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts.  I enjoy giving.  IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.

I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication.  Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently.  I have candles burning for different requests.  One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones.  To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!

I do not have much anxiety right now which is good.  I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.

I have a certain sadness because of my dad.  Hoping he makes it another Christmas…



Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.



A very stressful day but made it, glad for a new day though…

Yesterday was very hard and long for me.  My mom had knee replacement surgery and had to be there at 5:45 am, I didn’t sleep much the night before in fact stayed up late to hang out with my 18 yr old son….

So the day was spent waiting for her to come out of surgery and she is frail mind you so there was that scare.  But she did better than fine.  The surgery was three hours though and had to wait a while to see her in recovery.  Some other stressful things to help her get settled but I got through it and went to bed at 9:00pm last night and slept in till 9.

Today is a new day and I am happy to report she is walking around a little with little pain and a very cheery countenance!

I am glad for new days especially after a hard day like yesterday.  Makes me appreciate things more.  Little things like my ice water and lavendar scents make me happy.  Gardened a little today, watering and prepping for new fall plants.

I have my other hobbies as well such as cleaning my house in depth.  Got my list and getting through it one project at a time.  Even painted some indoors to spruce things up.

My other hobbies (goat soap making and other natural products) and collaging are there too when I get done with the deep cleaning of my house and the gardening and yuck weeding out front.

We might be having a party over here in October so my husband is doing his part getting the yards looking good and getting rid of trash and junk!  We have been married 25 years and although he doesn’t really understand my mental disorder, he is there for me in other ways like leaving me be yesterday for the most part when I was just done with the day!

Hope everyone has a good end of September as October is right around the corner, birthday time soon!  48 years young!!!




Essential oils brighten my day:)

I bought a pack of essential oils with lemon, rosemary, cedarwood, eucalyptus, orange, peppermint, lavender, stress relief and more…

I have been using them in various recipes that I got out of eat dirt by Dr. Josh Axe.  Today I made deodorant with coconut oil, baking soda and rosemary.  Put it in an old container and have cheap good smelling deodorant!

Tomorrow it is going to be my favorite activity with lavender.  I am making goat soap the easy way and even adding color and lavender dried flowers to them.

Today was a good day.  I painted my kitchen cabinets and the kitchen is so much brighter now!  Feels clean!  Scrubbed my countertops too and got rid of what I don’t use that was taking up space mainly cds.  I am obsessed with Jason MrAz house shows.

I am not always motivated to do jobs around the house or in the gardens so I take the motivation when it comes… and lately because of the CBD oil and other herbal remedies plus the essential oils my motivation level is quite high.

I even applied to two jobs this week that won’t affect my disability if I get it working retail at department stores.  Seems chill.  Not much pay but right now anything helps!

Today is Padre Pio Feast Day September 23 and he answered a novena prayer I was saying with my daughter in a big way!  God is so good!

My disorder is in check right now.  I still take my medicines twice a day faithfully and everything else I do on top of it is just supplementation not instead of.  I have resigned to the fact that I will be taking Risperdal and Latuda along with Lexapro and my anti-anxiety drugs every day for the rest of my life.

Finding creative ways to make life pleasureable is half the fun, the other half is living my life with a purpose!

Still waiting for several things to happen, my second book should be published 2018, and I will find out hopefully this month if I qualify for permanent disablility or not.

My mom is also having surgery for a knee replacement this next week so appreciate any prayers anyone can muster!

Life is good!  Doesn’t have to be a pity party even when I am unmotivated….