I won’t give up when the fever comes again…

It’s bound to happen

that much is sure

how can I best prepare

for the next torture

of the mind, body or spirit

for which one I am not sure

But I do know this much

My anchor is God, Jesus

I cannot deny Him anymore

I am at peace today after many weeks of torture or fever [psychosis?]

Today is my day of reflection focusing on my relationships I hold dear

Prayer, journaling, candles, yoga to my own beat and rhythm, fetch with the pups and waiting on God for miracles, in me, those I love and now you all!

My life is never boring, even on a day like this. I have decided to learn piano and took steps today to begin. I dream one day of playing Moonlight Sonata and making myself cry.

I do not work outside the home due to my disability, Schizoaffective Disorder; I capitalize it because I have great respect for my disorder these days. For it is always with me although does not define me by any means. I am learning my strengths, limitations and to always trust in my Higher Power.

My connection with my Higher Power is no longer messages but gentle guidance in pretty cool ways. I could not begin to describe the ways God intervenes, guides and blesses me in this life.

I do not hate having this disorder, most of the time that is! Some days are harder than others but today my mind is quiet and I appreciate this break. When the fever comes I am so stressed. People who have this disorder understand my words even if the experience isn’t close to being the same. I have a self-care plan now and use it but it doesn’t always work when the fever returns.

When I am psychotic or receiving messages from the unknown, but what I perceive as God, I get so easily out of whack. Some of my family know this about me; others have no clue the torture I endure because of this disorder. Medicine helps greatly and I take it faithfully every day, 3 times a day to be exact. It keeps me from having the fever all the time.

But when God wants to touch down in my life and that of others, nothing can stop Him!

I believe that God does wish the best for each and every one of us. And I am glad to be sober for 9 months today, just realizing it, and clean off weed for almost 8 months. Escaping from life behind a bottle or joint or drug is not the way I cope anymore. I medicate instead with daily quotes, reading again, journaling, obviously blogging and many more coping tools I have learned through the years. I invite you to read my May 2020 coping skills unlimited, see the tab above or search for it in the search bar I will add below. I’m going to give it another read after posting this because I am starting all over again and need to read about the pleasures of many activities that help to keep the fever away.

Peace be with you all!

p.s. The spotify episode at the top is my very first recording of one of my blogs with my own shaking voice. Thanks for reading or listening…

The circle of life


My circle of life has come round full circle today, yes it is my birthday but I don’t wish for happy birthdays or congratulations.  Instead I am taking quiet moments by myself to think and ponder on the greatness of life and what my mental illness means to me.

It means so much…When I was psychotic I was on a different plane of existence.  It was beautiful, awesome and scary all at the same time.  Now that I am on medication the symptoms are managed but I have awakened spiritually since that first encounter in 2008, 8 years ago.  I am much more in tuned with God and feel at peace being on medication.

I was supposed to work today but God had other plans.  I felt sick and got out of work, came home and took a 3 hour nap and now am just relaxing before I go out to dinner with my loving family.  I watched a Ted talk on spirituality vs psychosis and found it to be very interesting.  I would be revered in certain cultures and encouraged to be psychotic or spiritually attuned.  The stigma of mental illness would not follow me, instead I would be mentored by someone else who had undergone the same sorts of experiences.

Wow! That is an amazing thought to have on my birthday!

Yet, I know that I will never go off my medication as there are no cultures here that support this type of life.

But in the same breath I can say that my spiritual life is very good right now.  I pray upon awakening and throughout the day and before retiring at night.  I believe in God the Father Almighty who made heaven and earth!

May the God of our understanding comfort you all in all your trials and experiences whether medicated or not.  We each have our own path and walk it the best we can.  For me it is what it is and I don’t regret it.