I won’t give up…or worry

Much angst today telling my woes through writing about ___…

I’m depleted of my good energy but I’m still looking up and bought some beautiful flowers 🌸 at our local nursery. Will plant them this evening…

I also prayed for Divine Will in my life and all I do after praying for all my loved ones and the world 🌎

I have peace once again and I don’t intend to lose it again…

I have come so far! I have overcome so much! I will not be defeated in spirit!

My mind and body might be tired but I took a Power Nap exactly 2:39-3:39 (my Fitbit keeps track) and all the numbers I see are in perfect order for me to move forward…

Learning what I am and what I’m not is an important lesson. I have new philosophical connections and even a publisher who might be interested in my writing on Logotherapy and it’s connection to schizophrenia.

This is a radical shift. Without… in my life I am progressing. This is how it ought to be. This is how it is. This is how it will be.

I have an important date coming up in 3 days with an intriguing decision to make. I will not worry about it. I will know what to do that day. God will lead me.

Sending love 💕

Victoria

Feeling within me…

I’ve been at a loss this week in many ways. Too many to write here. There’s been a lot of good too but today is hard.

My daughter is sick, I’m her caregiver when she gets sick 🤒 even though she is 28. and others in my life are not doing great right now so like usual I’m allowing other’s stress to affect me which I’m fighting with all that I am.

I just want to escape from it all. But am choosing instead to blog about it.

And then clean up the kitchen because I made an awesome dinner tonight which nobody except me ate.

I’m the one in recovery from schizophrenia but all those around me are falling apart. I’m not sure how to pick myself back up. I need a new day and am going to use my coping skills to manage my schizophrenia.

Cleaning and healthy smoothie are old favorites which worked tonight 😊

My schizophrenia has been under control thanks to God and my hard work that I put into every day.

So looking on the bright side of things as my dad taught me today was a very productive day despite all the lack of control I have over the people in my life…

I walked 3 miles, cleaned my house, took care of my daughter and pups 🐶. And took care of me! I also didn’t buy anything when I went to my favorite store to pick up an order. Progress!

I was thinking of trying to work again but know that the reason why I am doing so well right now is because I don’t work outside the home. But it’s hard to accept some days when I have so much to offer. That’s why I’m not going to pursue my doctorate. What is the point if I can’t work.

I will continue to write and blog because that helps me greatly. I forgot to mention that I also couldn’t use my laptop today the way I’m used to. It’s being funky and won’t go online. Which meant I couldn’t work on my Nature Thought Journal I started in Maui a few weeks ago. It’s coming along nicely so another frustration in my day.

I won’t give up is my mantra in all that I do.

I won’t give up on finding meaning in my life despite my diagnosis. It’s hard to believe that I earned my Masters degree in psychology post diagnosis! But I find meaning in helping others so feel free to drop me an email at Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I answer all emails and have met some great friends on here. Also feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my experience with schizophrenia and check out my May series 2020 and 2022 above this blog. Tomorrow will be working more on May series 2022 and the mind, body spirit connection in psychiatry and psychotherapy.

I Truly feel a more holistic approach is needed to treat this disorder for people to recover.

Pax

Victoria

Fought with God and lost but I’m the lucky one…

God has spoken, not a voice but another situation has led me to believe that I cannot think about working or pursuing my doctorate. I accept.

My time will be devoted to writing for free to give others and myself hope and meaning in this sometimes hard life…

That is all for tonight.

God is good and I truly feel I am not psychotic but the lucky one!

I accept my limitations and embrace my future…

Because I am strong, brave, willing and as honest as one can be given any situation.

good night

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

How does it feel?

A poem of sorts today after hearing a sad story of addiction at its worst, an od (overdose)

How does it feel to be dead inside of you?

So dead that drugs overcome you

an empty searching for nothing that will truly help

Only bringing pain and loss and pain to those that love you …

Death comes welcomed to those who are dead inside

Hope is elusive

Hope is in an afterlife

Hope is in relief from the pain of living in addiction

Hope is all I have tonight that I will never use drugs again

Hope in God, Hope In me and mankind and all that is good in my life and this world

Hope that I can pursue my dreams and even when I fail, Hope that I will try again and again and again

Peace to all

RIP dear drug addict who might die tonight and all those who have already died of drug addiction

There but for the grace of God go I

V

Happy Mental Health month! Upcoming

Great to be back home after a nice vacation and a relaxing weekend!

My usual series for May is in the works!

I will be exploring the body, mind and spirit connection focusing on the work of Viktor Frankl’s insight on how man is unity yet multiplicity. And how taking it beyond that can affect the world benefiting us and others.

My self study on philosophical ideas is causing me to turn this blog into a little different posts.

Hope will also be an ongoing theme for my writing and all it encompasses. Without Hope we are dead inside. Hope keeps us going and when it is lacking reading and writing and mindful activities provide it.

May you all have much hope today and every day, to live your best lives and embrace your humanity!

Forget any diagnosis for now but keep taking your meds as I do or keep trying to find the best cocktail for you! We are all different yet the same in many ways.

Peace love hope and joy be with you all!

Victoria

This is who I am today…

A human being

in recovery from many addictions

A daughter

A wife

A mother

A gramma:)

A friend

A helper

What do I believe in? God for sure, but beyond that don’t really know…

Who do I want to be? Someone who makes God proud…

Am I close? I will never know until I die but will keep trying

It no longer plagues me but still in a dark space at times

today I was melancholy and that is honestly my least favorite place to be

I want to live my life as if today is my last day not just be blah…

I’d rather be caught up in drama or sad to say psychotic or so depressed that I curl up in a ball and have no energy.

I do not have a lot of drama currently but the past few months has caused me much angst over ____

I even thought for a brief moment like getting high but I know I cannot go back that route because when I get high I want to do it all day and that is not good at any level for anyone.

So I had a bit of chocolate and took a bath and called a few people.

Sober another day!

Yes, I have Schizoaffective disorder but my meds are working wonderfully right now.

Didn’t mention I decided to go strict keto diet a few days ago and gave up sugar. I will adapt and the bit of chocolate got me through a rough patch.

Heading to Maui next week, so a bit of pre-vacation eagerness. I love my home but Maui has the best vibe to me in the world. On aloha time there is no hurry, pure beauty, warm ocean and time with my sister and husband. They drink a loooot. but it doesn’t bother me. I’m way more fun sober and they all agree!

I have been reading a lot lately and awaiting a response from a family member if she will take on my offer to write the biography of her recently passed husband. His life was amazing and I offered to write about it. So all my life is on hold currently and I have never been known as a patient person. Waiting for things has always been hard for me as is keeping secrets. I do have one I may write about though. but time will tell.

v

Venice Beach tonight..

Enjoying being out and about at Santa Monica pier and Venice Beach in California.

Last night was a night to fully grieve for my dad who passed away last September. Many tears, realizations and emptiness inside after some journaling.

Wednesday I read the eulogy I gave at my dads funeral in December to my therapist. It was received well. My therapist understands better now the kind man my father was to me. And that my dad is still a huge part of my life from heaven above.

Every time I see a plane which often happens when I need it, some ethereal moment in my day confirmed by a plane or any time I bite an ice cube 🧊! Orbs in pictures still or videos along with his gentle guidance.

I will ask him a question and wait and often I know exactly what he would want or have a new thought or word come into my head.

The grief is no longer unbearable but still miss him very much. I read my journal from last year and I read my own words that when my father died a part of me would die inside too. It is true even though I have him in a different way now.

Tears 😭

I am very happy tonight though to be on the right cocktail of meds so my disorder remains at bay. And my life coach has given me new homework on how to protect myself from negative energies. Already used one today at the beach where there were so many people.

When I get back home tomorrow will be continuing to work on my new article about the symbolic meaning of the lotus flower 🌸 and how its sacredness and inner wisdom is helping me to heal as a sometimes dark empath.

My past few months of angst are behind me and I find comfort in music from Iceland 🇮🇸. Piano and string instruments along with one woman’s deep enthralling voice of exactly where I am at.

Peaceful tonight and wishing you all peace as well as having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is only brought to my mind anymore when I am taking my meds.

I feel I am emerging as a new person with some pain but no longer delusional and emotionally stable which I see continuing as long as I stay on the safe path.

Back to my title, Venice, my husband and I drove the coast down highway 1 aka pch pacific coast highway and he drove so I got to fully appreciate the beauty and powerful waves of the Pacific Ocean. Was perfect!

We got lost but avoided an accident several times along the way. We sat in our car and listened to kroq and punk rock music 🎶 from times of old and just enjoyed the day. He people watched and I stared at the Ferris wheel 🎡 in picture wishing I could go on it or at least the merry go round. I didn’t because there were so many people but pretended which I am good at.

Tomorrow attending a celebration of life for my husband’s cousin who dropped dead at age 41 a few weeks ago. So sad 😞 as he left behind two young daughters and a wife who is strong but must be hard. Will be a day with his family. But today was good to spend all day with my husband ❤️

V

I’m holding out for more than I have now…

I’m dreaming big tonight!

My past is behind me, no more looking back.

I’m in the now and the now is pretty damn good. The future will come and I will deal with it one success, one failure at a time.

Writing ✍️ is my passion as is taking care of my mind, body and spirit. Also learning how to control if possible my empathic abilities or deep intuition at times as I embrace my sober existence.

Livingtd- living the dream I could never have thought up if I tried. I am figuring out who I want to be at many levels; as myself first, daughter, wife, mother and gramma ❤️

Today wasn’t perfect but my mindset is as I say yes to life and thrive in most of what I do.

More coming soon as I prepare for a getaway with my love of my life.

Peace be with you all!

Embrace peace and harmony and never stop trying to figure things out!

Victoria

Musings of the day…

No gardening this week at any level! I hope that my overrun garden isn’t a sign of my spiritual condition.

Still doing nothing but study altruism today. I find all sources to be lacking so far of what I seek and wish to study. Altruism is the art of giving with no benefit. Sitting around talking about our accomplishments isn’t my idea of doing good. So I ask it again~ Is altruism possible in this day and age? For to give with no benefit is really hard to do. When I gave to a family in the Ukraine I was giddy with excitement. That isn’t altruism but I couldn’t help it and then I got a thank you from the family for they wished to express their thanks fully. But instead of helping me feel good about my good deed it made me feel worse.

But I will keep on keeping on, blogging and writing articles for Edge of Humanity and other magazines I hope to find where my articles can be read and perhaps help a soul or two or many.

I have much freedom today to do as I wish, to buy whatever I need, to exercise and eat healthy but I ask again the question, how can I enjoy my comfortable life when others are in great need and in despair over war, poor health and the unthinkable? I can’t really, I must do more.

My new life coach has helped me greatly to design a life vision board which includes addressing my addiction to drugs, alcohol and _ _ _ by giving much thought to my mind, body and spirit activities. I have created an online vision board using a free site called Canva. For detailed instructions go here. It is easy to use and although I did sign up for the free premier trial to get the design that I wanted of muted colors and the perfect layout, you don’t have to and it is likely I will cancel it before getting charged monthly but enjoy it in the meantime. I downloaded my copy and saved it as my screensaver. This is mine. Not sure why there’s a black line in center crossing my mom’s name out lol subconscious message perhaps.

It is a great help in my holistic approach to recovery from the addiction of the day. Those of you who are addicts will understand that. I am an addict and freely admit I am powerless over many addictions. One is too many and a thousand is never enough. So I stay on the safe side and avoid them like the plague. I have to think like this for my sanity, for my recovery.

Although my thinking is hot or cold, black or white, I am finding with this new approach in my recovery that I am discovering a lot of grey areas and I like the color grey very much.

No more meetings right now for me and no desire to use or return to poor choices that leave me depleted but instead an exciting journey into myself, especially finding yoga daily to be beneficial!

I will leave you all tonight with my favorite quote of the year.

I am grateful for what I am and have. My thanksgiving is perpetual.
— Henry David Thoreau

peace, V

The Art of doing nothing…

I’m supposed to be resting today after oral surgery this morning which went well.

But it is very hard for me to do ….nothing.

I am no longer lazy thanks to my wonderful team of support, my own gumption and finally finding my passion in life- writing ✍️ and much more really.

My life is rich and full. Not so much with financial ease but with a lovely husband, 4 kids, a granddaughter, friends, and my team of support especially my newest member a wonderful life coach who has helped me in so many ways by giving me homework that makes me think.

I love to think but tonight I must do nothing. I’m wondering if blogging and thinking counts as doing nothing. Probably do so good night all.

How can one do nothing when there is so much to do in life? I am never bored anymore because sobriety agrees with me.

I can truly say that I’m living the dream!

Pax