What is Schizophrenia like?…

Now that my days of suffering from Schizophrenia are behind me hopefully, I would like to share with those interested what suffering from Schizophrenia is like before I forget.

My mind was overactive in imaginings that everything related to me. I actually believed that the pandemic was because of me and that God wanted me to be at home rather than out and about. Seems silly now and untrue. It is nice now to go on a pleasant walk and not believe that everything that crosses my path is because of me. This has just stopped recently. Delusional thinking in every area of my life.

Back in 2006, prior to medication I was receiving messages from what I believed to be God. I also wrote prolifically in a journal my bizzare thinking. I heard voices a few times, again all very positive and all about how I was the most special person to ever live and to accept it. I do not believe this anymore thanks to my new supplement. My body was tired all the time, small things exhausted me. The only time I had relief was when I was asleep.

After being diagnosed in 2008 and going on medication, the messages ceased to exist. It was great but then I was in such a fog from the anti-psychotics that my days were very hard in a new way. I read recently that a psychiatrist, to see how the medication made his patients feel, took some Haldol. It was the worst experience of his life as it blocked all his dopamine and he was in a very sad state for several days. That’s what anti-psychotics did to me up until recently. Oh sure I got used to it and thought that was forever.

Now that I am taking new supplements on a schedule, my life has a new meaning, an excitement to live, a feeling that I have not felt in a long time, if ever. I believe (now) that I have suffered from Prodromal Schizophrenia all my life since 8th grade. Starting things and never finishing them, disorganized in my thoughts and judgements. Difficulties in relationships, super sensitive to criticism to a debilitating level and more.

I am also considering going off of disability and starting slowly to earn my own income. One of my delusions was that I was not to work ever again. I call myself a retired writer. I will give it some time but do feel I am capable of working. We shall see:) I am a good student and somehow got my Master’s Degree in Psychology post diagnosis in 2012. Worked in the mental health field for 5 years until stress took me out. Wrote a few books while I was psychotic. Now I’m working on completing a Nature Thought Journal, which I hope to self-publiish that has gotten great feedback. Before I never asked for feedback because I couldn’t stand criticism. Now I welcome it.

Those are just a few ways my mind was disordered. It’s shocking to me how my life has changed once again these past 2 months. I’m like a new person and excited to see what my future holds for me. I am self studying many things right now, working on several writing projects, have gotten my home in order at last, and now the gardens are left to create and manage. But I want to do more and I believe I shall. It just remains to be seen what I will do. If I can make an income from writing so be it.

Hope you all are well, welcome to any new readers, check out my early blogs from 2013 to 2021 for much drama of mind if interested. I wish my psychiatrist was on board with me and my new supplement routine but the thing is that not enough studies have been done on the supplement I am taking, which has gotten me to this life of recovery from Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder. So I don’t blame him for his lack of enthusiasm.

Pax

Victoria