Beautiful day and evening last night…

This is me today. Just a trickle of water at a water fall an hour away! Took the drive by myself so I could come and go as I wish from husband’s Vw car show! 303 Volkswagens from as far as Washington to here in California! With a tribute to last year’s winner of oldest driver of a Vw being 92 who passed away this last year ❤️. Families with dogs and kids abounded with glee at all the different types of Volkswagens present.

But me not impressed with cars hiked upwards to the falls. It got colder as I moved my legs and snapped this photo to remember the exhilarating feeling of success. I said hello to several fellow hikers and made friends with one dog. It was a good day with 3 miles in total.

I’m tired tonight.

Yesterday was recovery from the previous days of angst . I’m telling my story backwards though so bear with me as I start at the beginning.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He was out with his best friend and I had the house to myself all night. It was glorious!

I attended two recovery meetings and was of service on accident lol and shared at both meetings. It was good and I’m grateful once again for my sobriety!

After I journaled, took a lovely bath and did short yoga 🧘‍♀️ stretching. Then I stayed up late researching the internet for a situation that baffles me. It helped especially since it had to do with psychology and love. Didn’t find the answer but ruled out quite a bit of confusion in my mind.

Woke up early today and was at peace. Found a new obsession of an app called Blinkist that gives snippets of books and the main ideas of much information I am interested in. Listened to 5 summaries and read 3.

Then I headed out for my adventure. I don’t have any close friends so I decided to call it my solo adventure. It was grand! I like me and enjoyed my own company very much. I stopped when and where I wanted to and listened to my music and thought a lot about the past month and a half.

Progress not perfection as we say it in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I will sleep well tonight, that is after editing my writing ✍️ piece on suicidal thinking. It’s called “The ocean calls to me often “ and if all goes well I will be posting it tomorrow.

It is sad with dare I call it hope but the truth of my mad existence.

So stay tuned and wishing all my readers some peaceful days amongst the hard ones!

Disorder at bay…

My mind and spirit are stronger than ever before but physically that is another story for another day…

I met with my therapist today and it was perfect. It was better than good to meet with this psychologist again after a two week break due to his injury. I shared my deepest darkest secret today and it was safe with him. So I am relieved today that he was able to hold my space in non judgment. Quite the drama really but at peace ☮️ to share it.

I’m back on my old regimen of meds and doing very well. I’m there for my 4 children and husband and my newest love my granddaughter. She adores me! 5 months old now and 6 months since my dad passed away but is still a huge part of my life…

My next appointment of therapy I am going to read my eulogy I gave at my dads funeral. I am still grieving his physical presence but I can feel him with me In spirit. Every time an airplane flies overhead; every time I eat an ice cube, I think of him which is often because I live under the airport path and I eat ice all day. And his song to me that I rarely hear anymore by Izzy had me in tears 😭 this morning. He is the best dad ever I always told him the last 30 years of his life.

He warned me when we got close again after some time apart during my teenage years that he would die soon and I would get mad at him for saying that because he knew till the end how much I love him. He lived another 30 years.

I guess tonight’s blog is about how we never know when we will be called home so hug or call your mom and dad if they are still alive. Don’t wait till they are gone to miss them…

My husband’s cousin dropped dead Saturday at the age of 41 with a wife and two small children. So death is on my mind as I process this. I feel I have only lived half my life so far and I’m 52 and a half.

I do have good news though! I was published on that new platform writing about my time in New York. Felt good to write it and be accepted. It is an online magazine called Edge of Humanity. Isn’t that an incredible name? I will write more for them but the sadness of the war and my physical health is preventing me currently.

I have time though and while I recuperate I think of my many blessings of family and friends I have known, the material blessings I have gotten used to although I lead a very minimalist life. I have no needs except my ice coffee and cream and one last vice, not drugs anymore, but helps me to cope with my days. Quiet day today…

Maui in April I have to look forward to. Wishing you all aloha❤️

The angels 👼 surround us always…

That is who you are

Even if we don’t believe that there are many angels 😇 here now~ I can feel them and tonight my late father who was never late on earth and tonight was right on time from heaven above 👆

But let me tell the story before the beautiful ending which is for me a renewed joy and beginning once again!

I have recently lost another friend, who was my support in recovery ❤️‍🩹, my confidant my favorite person to share my disorder with. I miss the friendship very much but still see this person in my recovery group. They shared tonight that they are getting used to change…

I had a good day, great actually. My dog doesn’t need surgery after 3 weeks or more of not knowing. After the vet, I visited my mom who is back in my life in a way we have never known before. There was even a time up till 3 weeks ago when I couldn’t even have a picture of her without my late dad! But today we took my pup on a stroll and just enjoying the day, the beautiful weather, the well doggie 🐶 and each other.

We never know when a healing will take place or when more suffering will come.

I am not indifferent these days like I was when I was using weed and alcohol to numb out from all my pain. I feel things strongly now which can be good or bad. I am grateful today that I can feel!

So after my time with my mom♥️, I attended my recovery meeting where I got clean off weed 7 months and 14 days ago. The meeting was on something about change and I shared as did the recovery friend I was close to. I left the meeting right after thanking the host.

The next 2 hours I spent mad at God. But I must trust that He/She knows best for me in all situations, but during that two hour pity party the thought of taking a drink did cross my mind but didn’t entertain it and had a burnt cookie 🍪 instead. Did I mention I am trying to quit all forms of sugar starting today? The cookie helped and during this time I realized something.

That was that it is my twin dogs 🐕 birthday tonight at midnight 🕛 because they are leap year puppies and are ten years old in about an hour. I decided to celebrate and brushed them both and put pretty bows on them and danced around and gave them treats! Sent pictures to a few who care about me and my dogs 🐶!

Did some chores and finally sat down listening to the end of my favorite new worship album. I looked at my Fitbit and it was 10:18 which is my dad’s birthday on earth 🌍. I kissed my watch and checked it again and lo and behold it was 10:19.

I knew it was a message from my dad, the best dad ever comforting me from heaven. Tears 😭 streamed down my face and I knew that there were many angels 👼 surrounding me, one of them my dad in heaven.

Thanks for reading this far. God blessings to you all and may we always trust in God’s will for us now and always ♥️🙏😊🐶

Sober another 24 hours and grateful for all those in my life and those who have passed on and all who have helped me be who I am today…

On pause…even this disorder lies in waiting…

This world 🌎 is so strange right now…my dad is dying, any moment now, and covid has changed everything! Zoom instead of people coming over. Ah so what? We were still together. Covid cannot stop love ❤️

I am avoiding many things right now: driving, social media, certain family and wine. In that order, but making sure I take care of myself. Sleep, food, water! Exercise is minimal but don’t feel like doing much.

I’m being gentle with myself the best I can ! Today is my baby boy s 22 birthday 🎂! My daughter and I made it special and even just helped him make a wonderful meal. Clean up is done and my dad didn’t pass on his birthday!

God is good! I am also taking a break from blogging the next part of the series negative and cognitive symptoms. But if you want to read past blogs about anything including the fore mentioned. Just use the search bar to the left of this pages title.

Will still check in but so overcome by grief I don’t know if this makes sense but even my disorder waits on hold . Very clear thinking about much but still some confusion too. No positive symptoms not even delusional. Going to start some new projects once life continues.

For now thank you for holding this space with me! Peace love light and joy 🥲

Pax

Victoria

How do I keep busy while I await….

I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…

I have applied for a job which I might get…

But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.

I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.

Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours.  I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.

I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on.  I also just bought a windchime for the front.  Not windy right now though.

I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations.  This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January.  It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year.  I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to.  Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?

I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts.  I enjoy giving.  IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.

I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication.  Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently.  I have candles burning for different requests.  One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones.  To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!

I do not have much anxiety right now which is good.  I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.

I have a certain sadness because of my dad.  Hoping he makes it another Christmas…

Pax

Victoria

Update: getting used to deep emotions and finding a good balance on new medicine…

Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine.  Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being.  I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.

Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…

Closer to God than ever.  I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning.  Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.

I am willing to continue this new life.  I have been connecting with family too which is awesome.  Family is everything to me.  My friends are right there too though.  It is good to have both really.

Life is so wonderful!  I feel more like my old self every day.  Hate to go to bed lol.

Pax

Victoria

Today was a good and bad day of sorts…

The day started off all right, went to my women’s aa meeting, spoke with a dear friend, ate healthy, got my sleep, got some resources to help my depressed mother, visited her and she was doing poorly, visited my dad who had a stroke in July and is in a care facility, got some good coffee, visited my son at work, and then it hit…

A panic or sadness attack of some sort.  I remembered later that I didn’t take my attivan in the morning because I have been doing so well.  I felt like I shouldn’t drive.  It crept up on me when I visited my son at work I was thought I was picking him up and was going to ask him to drive home because I was beginning to feel unwell but he had to work late and had secured a ride so I decided to go for a walk on a local trail.  I was praying the rosary and saw a bench in the shade.  So I sat for a while and waited for whatever it was to pass.  I was texting my daughter about my visit with my dad and didn’t want to bother her with how I was feeling but did share with her later.

I don’t really know what it was or why I don’t let people know when I am not doing so well at the time I am not doing well???  This confuses me, my disorder confuses me, my moments that can last up to a couple of hours confuses me.

I don’t see my therapist until a week and a half and will surely share with him this day.  I do have lots of support.  I talked to my aa sponsor soon after I finally drove home which helped.  I made a nice dinner for my husband and hung out with him for the evening then just finished a relaxing hot bath.  I didn’t work out today and that’s ok on days like this.  I know when I feel this way that even a workout won’t help me feel better.

I guess the best way to describe it is as being mentally unwell.  I am under a lot of stress with caring for my parents so I need to be sure to take my meds every day.  My psychiatrist told me I only had to take the attivan as needed.  I guess I need it!  Ha ha.  If that was all that it was then that’s good news.  I am glad I didn’t drive when I felt that way.  I guess there is a lot to be grateful for!

Hoping for a better day tomorrow, I am going shopping with my mom so that will be good for both of us.

Pax

Victoria

Quality reading and experiencing psychotic symptoms again

I have been doing a lot of reading lately and it is wonderful to be reading some of the greatest classics and uplifting books out there!  I am reading the autobiography of Mahatma Gandhi, The Book of Joy by the Dali Lama and Archbishop Tutu, the Portable Thoreau and the Imitation of Mary.  Most of what I read really resonates with my spirit and helps me to understand myself better.

For instance, on sadness, the Book of Joy offers much insight into how it can really help us be better people causing us to be more compassionate towards others.  I have deep sadness right now because of what has happened with my father. He will never be the same, yet continues to live which I am grateful to God for.  But his bane existence wipes me out almost every time I see him.  He often doesn’t make much sense although at times he makes perfect sense.  I take what I can and leave the rest to God to sort out.

On another note, I am slightly psychotic right now again.  I am not sure how this has happened and I have plans to call my pdoc in the morning and I don’t know how I feel about this.  I was doing so well with no psychotic symptoms for years and now that I am again I am just hopeful my pdoc will know what to do.

I am experiencing thought insertion, no voices this time.  It is amazing that I can read right now although I am only absorbing about 25% of what I read and retaining even less than that.  But I have had a virus with much free time on my hands so I read anyway and do my best to not obsess over these unwanted thoughts.

After this gets settled, I plan to continue the job search for a low stress job that will allow me to continue to receive permanent disability.  I had a dream last night that I had a job at a local diner as a waitress which I did for many years before getting my degree.  Perhaps I will do that.  Who knows what the future holds.  Not I, nor do I want to know the future.

Well that is all for now.  It is hard to focus my thoughts so I hope this post made sense.

Pax

Victoria