I won’t give up…or worry

Much angst today telling my woes through writing about ___…

I’m depleted of my good energy but I’m still looking up and bought some beautiful flowers 🌸 at our local nursery. Will plant them this evening…

I also prayed for Divine Will in my life and all I do after praying for all my loved ones and the world 🌎

I have peace once again and I don’t intend to lose it again…

I have come so far! I have overcome so much! I will not be defeated in spirit!

My mind and body might be tired but I took a Power Nap exactly 2:39-3:39 (my Fitbit keeps track) and all the numbers I see are in perfect order for me to move forward…

Learning what I am and what I’m not is an important lesson. I have new philosophical connections and even a publisher who might be interested in my writing on Logotherapy and it’s connection to schizophrenia.

This is a radical shift. Without… in my life I am progressing. This is how it ought to be. This is how it is. This is how it will be.

I have an important date coming up in 3 days with an intriguing decision to make. I will not worry about it. I will know what to do that day. God will lead me.

Sending love 💕

Victoria

Feeling within me…

I’ve been at a loss this week in many ways. Too many to write here. There’s been a lot of good too but today is hard.

My daughter is sick, I’m her caregiver when she gets sick 🤒 even though she is 28. and others in my life are not doing great right now so like usual I’m allowing other’s stress to affect me which I’m fighting with all that I am.

I just want to escape from it all. But am choosing instead to blog about it.

And then clean up the kitchen because I made an awesome dinner tonight which nobody except me ate.

I’m the one in recovery from schizophrenia but all those around me are falling apart. I’m not sure how to pick myself back up. I need a new day and am going to use my coping skills to manage my schizophrenia.

Cleaning and healthy smoothie are old favorites which worked tonight 😊

My schizophrenia has been under control thanks to God and my hard work that I put into every day.

So looking on the bright side of things as my dad taught me today was a very productive day despite all the lack of control I have over the people in my life…

I walked 3 miles, cleaned my house, took care of my daughter and pups 🐶. And took care of me! I also didn’t buy anything when I went to my favorite store to pick up an order. Progress!

I was thinking of trying to work again but know that the reason why I am doing so well right now is because I don’t work outside the home. But it’s hard to accept some days when I have so much to offer. That’s why I’m not going to pursue my doctorate. What is the point if I can’t work.

I will continue to write and blog because that helps me greatly. I forgot to mention that I also couldn’t use my laptop today the way I’m used to. It’s being funky and won’t go online. Which meant I couldn’t work on my Nature Thought Journal I started in Maui a few weeks ago. It’s coming along nicely so another frustration in my day.

I won’t give up is my mantra in all that I do.

I won’t give up on finding meaning in my life despite my diagnosis. It’s hard to believe that I earned my Masters degree in psychology post diagnosis! But I find meaning in helping others so feel free to drop me an email at Victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

I answer all emails and have met some great friends on here. Also feel free to ask me any questions you may have about my experience with schizophrenia and check out my May series 2020 and 2022 above this blog. Tomorrow will be working more on May series 2022 and the mind, body spirit connection in psychiatry and psychotherapy.

I Truly feel a more holistic approach is needed to treat this disorder for people to recover.

Pax

Victoria

Fought with God and lost but I’m the lucky one…

God has spoken, not a voice but another situation has led me to believe that I cannot think about working or pursuing my doctorate. I accept.

My time will be devoted to writing for free to give others and myself hope and meaning in this sometimes hard life…

That is all for tonight.

God is good and I truly feel I am not psychotic but the lucky one!

I accept my limitations and embrace my future…

Because I am strong, brave, willing and as honest as one can be given any situation.

good night

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Happy Mental Health month! Upcoming

Great to be back home after a nice vacation and a relaxing weekend!

My usual series for May is in the works!

I will be exploring the body, mind and spirit connection focusing on the work of Viktor Frankl’s insight on how man is unity yet multiplicity. And how taking it beyond that can affect the world benefiting us and others.

My self study on philosophical ideas is causing me to turn this blog into a little different posts.

Hope will also be an ongoing theme for my writing and all it encompasses. Without Hope we are dead inside. Hope keeps us going and when it is lacking reading and writing and mindful activities provide it.

May you all have much hope today and every day, to live your best lives and embrace your humanity!

Forget any diagnosis for now but keep taking your meds as I do or keep trying to find the best cocktail for you! We are all different yet the same in many ways.

Peace love hope and joy be with you all!

Victoria

Feeling every emotion today…

Back from vacation day one. Stayed sober by the grace of God, not even a desire as my companions drank beer and mai Thais all day and night. Could have got a contact high from the locals at the park but ran the other way!

I like being sober but today I think it all caught up with me.

I felt every emotion I used to drink and get high over. Anger at the atm, cursing at it because it wasn’t accepting deposits, really? I’m still pissed.

Sadness over my dad’s passing and how he was the only person alive who truly supported me!!! I miss him so much and can’t wait to die and be with him again.

Confusion much with the time lag. Too many examples to share. but at one point some dude honked at me because my gas cover was open all the way lol after leaving a crowded gas station that after much waiting had parked on wrong side to put gasoline in. Left without closing cap.

Anger again at my husband but I got some shopping money out of it so there’s that!

And lastly love and joy because of my children, mainly my daughter. They are who I missed most on my vacation And of course my granddaughter ❤️

🖤🖤🖤

Grateful today to be in a place where I can be emotional 😭 😌🥰 and sober and not psychotic.

I studied quite a bit on vacation as well and excited to once again be in learning mode with Viktor Frankl’s books. So many new words and all very resonating with my mind, body and spirit!

Rest In Peace my new favorite author 🙏🙏🙏

Paz

Victoria

Marriage and schizophrenia

I’ve been married for 30 years and it has definitely been the hardest and best thing to ever happen to me/us. As I listen on loop to Ed Sheeran/Taylor Swift song, The Joker and the Queen, I am reminded how much we have been through. From humble beginnings, I was a waitress working night shift, he was my boss, the night manager. If I had known when I met him the first time, I would have been different somehow. But the clenching time came a year later when he crashed his motorcycle, which he got rid of after, I nursed him back to health and fell in love with his caring yet gruff nature and soul…

The hard times have made the good times even more rich. Right now it is a rich time of trips, time at home and exploration of much.

He doesn’t understand my disorder but accepts me for all of it and sometimes it can get pretty rough. Dealing with me psychotic, meeting with a team of doctors at UCLA in 2008, not knowing then how hard the next 16 years would be. Meeting with therapists, learning through experience that we are meant to be together with our quirks, mine more than him haha.

Now that I am stable in mind, body, spirit and our finances, it is even better. Last night and this morning were perfect examples of our unbreakable union.

We don’t sleep in the same bed for various reasons, his snoring, my late night habits etc.. it works for us. But most nights we spend time together in our marriage bed with me massaging him as he falls asleep. We talk about our day and the next, make jokes, make fun of ourselves and discuss our children and granddaughter. It is a good practice we have done for years. He has tried to massage me but he’s too strong and i’m too sensitve so I don’t mind giving him this gift most nights. He says it helps him sleep better:)

So last night we just held each other for an hour with our heads together on the same pillow. I enjoyed this very much. He fell asleep with me in his arms and I started to doze off too but hadn’t taken my night meds so ended up getting up at midnight as he wakes up at the disturbance and asks “where are you going? I love this, he didn’t want me to go away even after an hour of us just being together in embrace. I might have slept there but must have my meds to help me sleep. But the fact that I was tempted to stay was a good feeling.

His energy can be very strong and critical and me being an empath as well makes it difficult and strange at times, wonderful and pure bliss at others. He is also a big softie sometimes and acts like a big baby with many needs which I sometimes meet happily most of the time.

Then at 6:30 in the morning he’s running around the house waking everyone up because he thought there was an earthquake. I remembered that there was a shuttle taking off from Vandenberg airforce base taking off this weekend in the am so he checked on the two adult children who live with us still and went back to bed. In less than 5 minutes he was back to our side of our small home because there was another loud noise. By this time I was awake and got up with only 5 1/2 hours sleep:( He’s back in his bed snoring away undisturbed by anything.

Once I wake up I cannot go back to sleep so I’m like trying to figure out what to do. I journaled about him and now chose to blog about marriage and schizophrenia.

We don’t discuss my disorder much. But he knows when I need my space and when I need to be with him or others. But when I am at my worst, he wishes it all away sometimes with unkind words like- just pick yourself up by your bootstraps, ignore it, you’re fine, don’t think as much. These words are not helpful at all and make me try very hard to be stable at all times, at least as much as possible.

I can write about it now that I am doing well but in the midst of the chaos of my mind, things have never looked bleaker…

That is all I wish to share about marriage and schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder except for the wonderful newest development in our marriage~ he has accepted that I cannot work and I am at peace in knowing this.

Peace

Victoria

What if I don’t want to be cured of my Schizophrenia?

Today is a special day for me; it is the 16 year anniversary of receiving the gift of Schizophrenia.

The year was 2006. I had prayed to be able to suffer for God and He answered me in giving me the gift of Schizophrenia during Easter Vigil Mass in Our Lady of Guadalupe Church in Guadalupe Ca. A Gift of confusion of the mind, messages, voices and much distress. I remember it all vividly. And it has brought me to a life of not being able to work, but being able to help many, through my blog, through my family, friends and strangers.

In some cultures people are revered if they have Schizophrenia. Well I don’t want to be revered but I have certain abilities that are at times unexpressed fully because of my Schizophrenia.

Today I awoke early and without much direction. I decided to read more of Yes to Life by Viktor Frankl. This was after I wrote in my journal asking God what He wished of me. I found much meaning in Frankl’s treatise on illness and suffering.

I could be in remission with the ketogenic diet if I chose. But I know that in my heart I am meant to have this disorder and must embrace it fully on meds. The suffering has eased much with my cocktail of meds just right but I still have lingering delusions which have lessened even more being on a ketogenic diet.

Some may call me peculiar that I would choose a life of Schizophrenia over a life without. II even do. But I know today with absolute certainty that I am supposed to embrace this gift and not reject it.

So this blog will continue with me having Schizophrenia and being on meds. For even though the meds stop the constant messages and voices, they do not eliminate when God wants to touch down and for that I am grateful.

But others who do not see it as a gift should seriously check out ketogenic eating to be put in remission from Schizophrenia.

I have meaning in my life today with my mad existence and I choose life over death again and again.

Off I go to eat some carbs. Off I go to make preparations for a wonderful Easter celebration tomorrow. And who knows I might even go to Holy Mass tonight just to see if there are any more gifts for me.

I believe in God, the father almighty who reigns over heaven and earth. But that is just me.

I will also be re-blogging my post on the gift and how I received it if I can find it. I am also in the process of revamping this blog to make it more user friendly. Thank you for reading and being a part of my journey. For those of you who have Schizophrenia/Schizoaffective Disorder and have been silent know that I pray for you much through the years of my blogging. Having this disorder is not always fun so feel free to write to me at my private email, as many of you have, who suffer with this disorder or any loved ones at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com

God bless and keep you all!

peace, love, light and joy

Victoria

Venice Beach tonight..

Enjoying being out and about at Santa Monica pier and Venice Beach in California.

Last night was a night to fully grieve for my dad who passed away last September. Many tears, realizations and emptiness inside after some journaling.

Wednesday I read the eulogy I gave at my dads funeral in December to my therapist. It was received well. My therapist understands better now the kind man my father was to me. And that my dad is still a huge part of my life from heaven above.

Every time I see a plane which often happens when I need it, some ethereal moment in my day confirmed by a plane or any time I bite an ice cube 🧊! Orbs in pictures still or videos along with his gentle guidance.

I will ask him a question and wait and often I know exactly what he would want or have a new thought or word come into my head.

The grief is no longer unbearable but still miss him very much. I read my journal from last year and I read my own words that when my father died a part of me would die inside too. It is true even though I have him in a different way now.

Tears 😭

I am very happy tonight though to be on the right cocktail of meds so my disorder remains at bay. And my life coach has given me new homework on how to protect myself from negative energies. Already used one today at the beach where there were so many people.

When I get back home tomorrow will be continuing to work on my new article about the symbolic meaning of the lotus flower 🌸 and how its sacredness and inner wisdom is helping me to heal as a sometimes dark empath.

My past few months of angst are behind me and I find comfort in music from Iceland 🇮🇸. Piano and string instruments along with one woman’s deep enthralling voice of exactly where I am at.

Peaceful tonight and wishing you all peace as well as having schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder is only brought to my mind anymore when I am taking my meds.

I feel I am emerging as a new person with some pain but no longer delusional and emotionally stable which I see continuing as long as I stay on the safe path.

Back to my title, Venice, my husband and I drove the coast down highway 1 aka pch pacific coast highway and he drove so I got to fully appreciate the beauty and powerful waves of the Pacific Ocean. Was perfect!

We got lost but avoided an accident several times along the way. We sat in our car and listened to kroq and punk rock music 🎶 from times of old and just enjoyed the day. He people watched and I stared at the Ferris wheel 🎡 in picture wishing I could go on it or at least the merry go round. I didn’t because there were so many people but pretended which I am good at.

Tomorrow attending a celebration of life for my husband’s cousin who dropped dead at age 41 a few weeks ago. So sad 😞 as he left behind two young daughters and a wife who is strong but must be hard. Will be a day with his family. But today was good to spend all day with my husband ❤️

V

Article on my experience with suicidal ideation;

As I finished this late tonight and submit it to online magazine Edge of Humanity, I’m at a quiet inn in California with my dog; I am blessed with much peace and serenity despite much drama of my mind in between the quiet moments seeking a solution to a certain situation which has caused me much angst recent months. Feel free to comment and use search feature beneath article for more of my blogs, ramblings and everything in between since starting this blog in 2013.

Peace be with you all:) V

The Ocean calls to me often~

Not always in a suicidal way like times in past, no it calls to me with its beauty and power and vastness…

As I attempt to transcend my experience, may yours become one of acceptance, too.

I have been suicidal much in my life; from my teenage years with a death wish to my time when I was first psychotic, and times in between, until recently.  Thinking I would be better off dead was a much easier way to survive in my mad and unusual existence on the planet earth.

What is it that causes so much angst and wishes to be done with this life?  Death seems the better option than to live in agony, caused by me, circumstances and even my loved ones.  But then I think, and this is the only thing that has truly prevented me, how much more grief I would cause the people in my life if I were to kill myself.  Yet, if others in my life knew the suffering I often feel and have felt since 8th grade (52 now), I think they would be glad for me to be at peace and no longer a part of this world. 

I don’t feel this way right now gladly for being suicidal is a sad state to be in; dying seems better at the time than living.  And the pain does not cease until some sort of intervention occurs to help me want to try to live again.  Hospitalizations, medicine and intense therapy along with deep introspection are all my elixirs leading to not only survival but also a very rich happiness to be alive. 

Many failures in this life lead me down the familiar road of wanting to die. 

But people, good people have come to my aid, again and again and so I continue to breathe life into these words to anyone considering it.  It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem I have been told; it is a coping skill, I learned of recent months.  It is not the answer for me but it has been the answer for so many that I choose to dwell on this idea, this right, this choice to die at my own hands.

Can’t I get a new life?  I often wonder, which is unrealistic, naturally, so I run anywhere else instead, hoping to get new perspective on my existence.  I have stopped running now for I feel safe, safe in my marriage of 30 years and safe in my state of life- being on disability because of my schizoaffective disorder, and unable to work outside the home, despite having a Master’s degree earned post-diagnosis.  But watching and helping others in my life succeed in the workplace is hard at times.

I choose instead to find purpose in my writing.  Not to give hope to others for hope is overrated when one is suicidal, but to learn acceptance with the cards that have been dealt and make the best of it.  For the gifts we possess might just be hidden from us, or unrealized, un-profited for some.

I went to the ocean today and this time was at peace and appreciated its beauty, power and vastness and I chose life over death, consciously.   

#humancondition #suicidal #beautypowervastnessofocean #suicide #suicidalideation #acceptance

Beautiful day and evening last night…

This is me today. Just a trickle of water at a water fall an hour away! Took the drive by myself so I could come and go as I wish from husband’s Vw car show! 303 Volkswagens from as far as Washington to here in California! With a tribute to last year’s winner of oldest driver of a Vw being 92 who passed away this last year ❤️. Families with dogs and kids abounded with glee at all the different types of Volkswagens present.

But me not impressed with cars hiked upwards to the falls. It got colder as I moved my legs and snapped this photo to remember the exhilarating feeling of success. I said hello to several fellow hikers and made friends with one dog. It was a good day with 3 miles in total.

I’m tired tonight.

Yesterday was recovery from the previous days of angst . I’m telling my story backwards though so bear with me as I start at the beginning.

Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. He was out with his best friend and I had the house to myself all night. It was glorious!

I attended two recovery meetings and was of service on accident lol and shared at both meetings. It was good and I’m grateful once again for my sobriety!

After I journaled, took a lovely bath and did short yoga 🧘‍♀️ stretching. Then I stayed up late researching the internet for a situation that baffles me. It helped especially since it had to do with psychology and love. Didn’t find the answer but ruled out quite a bit of confusion in my mind.

Woke up early today and was at peace. Found a new obsession of an app called Blinkist that gives snippets of books and the main ideas of much information I am interested in. Listened to 5 summaries and read 3.

Then I headed out for my adventure. I don’t have any close friends so I decided to call it my solo adventure. It was grand! I like me and enjoyed my own company very much. I stopped when and where I wanted to and listened to my music and thought a lot about the past month and a half.

Progress not perfection as we say it in recovery ❤️‍🩹

I will sleep well tonight, that is after editing my writing ✍️ piece on suicidal thinking. It’s called “The ocean calls to me often “ and if all goes well I will be posting it tomorrow.

It is sad with dare I call it hope but the truth of my mad existence.

So stay tuned and wishing all my readers some peaceful days amongst the hard ones!