Article on my experience with suicidal ideation;

As I finished this late tonight and submit it to online magazine Edge of Humanity, I’m at a quiet inn in California with my dog; I am blessed with much peace and serenity despite much drama of my mind in between the quiet moments seeking a solution to a certain situation which has caused me much angst recent months. Feel free to comment and use search feature beneath article for more of my blogs, ramblings and everything in between since starting this blog in 2013.

Peace be with you all:) V

The Ocean calls to me often~

Not always in a suicidal way like times in past, no it calls to me with its beauty and power and vastness…

As I attempt to transcend my experience, may yours become one of acceptance, too.

I have been suicidal much in my life; from my teenage years with a death wish to my time when I was first psychotic, and times in between, until recently.  Thinking I would be better off dead was a much easier way to survive in my mad and unusual existence on the planet earth.

What is it that causes so much angst and wishes to be done with this life?  Death seems the better option than to live in agony, caused by me, circumstances and even my loved ones.  But then I think, and this is the only thing that has truly prevented me, how much more grief I would cause the people in my life if I were to kill myself.  Yet, if others in my life knew the suffering I often feel and have felt since 8th grade (52 now), I think they would be glad for me to be at peace and no longer a part of this world. 

I don’t feel this way right now gladly for being suicidal is a sad state to be in; dying seems better at the time than living.  And the pain does not cease until some sort of intervention occurs to help me want to try to live again.  Hospitalizations, medicine and intense therapy along with deep introspection are all my elixirs leading to not only survival but also a very rich happiness to be alive. 

Many failures in this life lead me down the familiar road of wanting to die. 

But people, good people have come to my aid, again and again and so I continue to breathe life into these words to anyone considering it.  It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem I have been told; it is a coping skill, I learned of recent months.  It is not the answer for me but it has been the answer for so many that I choose to dwell on this idea, this right, this choice to die at my own hands.

Can’t I get a new life?  I often wonder, which is unrealistic, naturally, so I run anywhere else instead, hoping to get new perspective on my existence.  I have stopped running now for I feel safe, safe in my marriage of 30 years and safe in my state of life- being on disability because of my schizoaffective disorder, and unable to work outside the home, despite having a Master’s degree earned post-diagnosis.  But watching and helping others in my life succeed in the workplace is hard at times.

I choose instead to find purpose in my writing.  Not to give hope to others for hope is overrated when one is suicidal, but to learn acceptance with the cards that have been dealt and make the best of it.  For the gifts we possess might just be hidden from us, or unrealized, un-profited for some.

I went to the ocean today and this time was at peace and appreciated its beauty, power and vastness and I chose life over death, consciously.   

#humancondition #suicidal #beautypowervastnessofocean #suicide #suicidalideation #acceptance

Let’s talk about suicide…

Many of us have been there, some of us are there now, contemplating a life ending the suffering that seems so unbearable at times…

Protective factors help, these are your reasons to live such as children or pets. Mine are strong but they do not always help me when I am at my wit’s end thinking about taking my own life.

I have a disorder (schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder) and the odds are not in our favor concerning suicide rates. Do I let that statistic bring me down or fight?

I’m a fighting woman! I will not give up because life is a gift and we don’t know the day that gift will be taken away to move onto the spiritual world.

Depression can cause these thoughts too and situations which are temporary. I am currently depressed but being proactive about my mental health because I cannot let myself go again and go down that deep spiral of a staircase into the land of the dark and ugly, which would be to actually to take my own life.

I woke up today and went to bed last night thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened to me this week. There were a lot of highlights and I am now in the habit of making some more.

It is hard right now because we can’t do things we normally would have done. But somehow we can find a way to improve our situation and want to live again.

I have written this blog since 2013 and was diagnosed in 2008. 14 years since receiving this gift that can also be a curse. I am planning on cleaning up this site over the next few days and really trying to get in some good content again.

My life has fallen apart with the death of my brother in law but he would not want me to be somber and teary eyed all the time but I f#$%#ing miss him.

Today is a new day and my mantra once again is I won’t give up! Even better I won’t give up and I will give life my all, starting last night when I deep cleaned the kitchen. There is always something to do but I don’t always feel like doing it.

Yesterday was different. I didn’t feel like doing anything albeit there was much to be done so I played hooky. I went to my best friend’s house and we hung out and drank some wine and sang, cried, laughed and had a grand time! I cam home and because I took a 5 hour break to have some fun I was able to come home and focus on my house and paperwork.

It was easy because I did the fun thing first. Kind of like eating dessert first before the entree. The entree will still be there as will the work and drudgery so might as well enjoy ahead because truly we don’t know if we will even get to the dessert right? So dig in, enjoy what makes you happy or at least not so sad.

Peace love light and joy to all of you.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com for any questions or comments. My email has been active again and I like that. I don’t have all the answers but I have just a bit of understanding and love to share.

Pax

Victoria

Acceptance

 

Dear readers,

Thank you for being patient with me while I took a needed break from blogging.  I just got out of the hospital today after severe depression set in with suicidal ideation.  Medication and excercise have been key to my recovery along with prayer and awesome doctors!  I am also thinking about “coming out” at my workplace with my diagnosis.  I have heard this can be exhilarating!  But we shall not make any hasty decisions in this regard.  Well, it has been a long but good day.  I wish you all the very best.  This disorder can kick one in the ass.  I will write more soon about my hospital experience.

Happy to be home with family for the holidays!

Pax

Victoria