Article on my experience with suicidal ideation;

As I finished this late tonight and submit it to online magazine Edge of Humanity, I’m at a quiet inn in California with my dog; I am blessed with much peace and serenity despite much drama of my mind in between the quiet moments seeking a solution to a certain situation which has caused me much angst recent months. Feel free to comment and use search feature beneath article for more of my blogs, ramblings and everything in between since starting this blog in 2013.

Peace be with you all:) V

The Ocean calls to me often~

Not always in a suicidal way like times in past, no it calls to me with its beauty and power and vastness…

As I attempt to transcend my experience, may yours become one of acceptance, too.

I have been suicidal much in my life; from my teenage years with a death wish to my time when I was first psychotic, and times in between, until recently.  Thinking I would be better off dead was a much easier way to survive in my mad and unusual existence on the planet earth.

What is it that causes so much angst and wishes to be done with this life?  Death seems the better option than to live in agony, caused by me, circumstances and even my loved ones.  But then I think, and this is the only thing that has truly prevented me, how much more grief I would cause the people in my life if I were to kill myself.  Yet, if others in my life knew the suffering I often feel and have felt since 8th grade (52 now), I think they would be glad for me to be at peace and no longer a part of this world. 

I don’t feel this way right now gladly for being suicidal is a sad state to be in; dying seems better at the time than living.  And the pain does not cease until some sort of intervention occurs to help me want to try to live again.  Hospitalizations, medicine and intense therapy along with deep introspection are all my elixirs leading to not only survival but also a very rich happiness to be alive. 

Many failures in this life lead me down the familiar road of wanting to die. 

But people, good people have come to my aid, again and again and so I continue to breathe life into these words to anyone considering it.  It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem I have been told; it is a coping skill, I learned of recent months.  It is not the answer for me but it has been the answer for so many that I choose to dwell on this idea, this right, this choice to die at my own hands.

Can’t I get a new life?  I often wonder, which is unrealistic, naturally, so I run anywhere else instead, hoping to get new perspective on my existence.  I have stopped running now for I feel safe, safe in my marriage of 30 years and safe in my state of life- being on disability because of my schizoaffective disorder, and unable to work outside the home, despite having a Master’s degree earned post-diagnosis.  But watching and helping others in my life succeed in the workplace is hard at times.

I choose instead to find purpose in my writing.  Not to give hope to others for hope is overrated when one is suicidal, but to learn acceptance with the cards that have been dealt and make the best of it.  For the gifts we possess might just be hidden from us, or unrealized, un-profited for some.

I went to the ocean today and this time was at peace and appreciated its beauty, power and vastness and I chose life over death, consciously.   

#humancondition #suicidal #beautypowervastnessofocean #suicide #suicidalideation #acceptance

Out of my hands 🙌🏻

Aahhh! Life is so strange often…

But I’m doing the best with all that is on my plate as my dad would say quite often… I like quoting him. He had great wisdom. Thanks dad!

While I recover from my recent psychotic episode and deal with thyroid issues I have more time on my hands and feel inclined to blog.

Upcoming is a guest article on how to help someone who is suicidal, it’s wonderful and well written and will be posting it soon. Also I am going to be sharing more stories of my crazy teenage life and how a lie from my dad when I was living on the streets of New York City circa 1988 saved my life from drug addiction! I just found out about the lie he told from my mom! Thanks mom♥️

This blog is going in a different direction I feel inclined to write about addiction and recovery because that’s where I’m at. And that’s what I’ve always done since starting this blog in 2013!

I just celebrated 6 months off weed and 7 months off alcohol! A miracle from God or my Higher Power I prefer the term nowadays. Life is much better off the drugs for sure.

Peace love and light to all ♥️

Michelle aka Victoria

Let’s talk about suicide…

Many of us have been there, some of us are there now, contemplating a life ending the suffering that seems so unbearable at times…

Protective factors help, these are your reasons to live such as children or pets. Mine are strong but they do not always help me when I am at my wit’s end thinking about taking my own life.

I have a disorder (schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder) and the odds are not in our favor concerning suicide rates. Do I let that statistic bring me down or fight?

I’m a fighting woman! I will not give up because life is a gift and we don’t know the day that gift will be taken away to move onto the spiritual world.

Depression can cause these thoughts too and situations which are temporary. I am currently depressed but being proactive about my mental health because I cannot let myself go again and go down that deep spiral of a staircase into the land of the dark and ugly, which would be to actually to take my own life.

I woke up today and went to bed last night thinking about all the wonderful things that have happened to me this week. There were a lot of highlights and I am now in the habit of making some more.

It is hard right now because we can’t do things we normally would have done. But somehow we can find a way to improve our situation and want to live again.

I have written this blog since 2013 and was diagnosed in 2008. 14 years since receiving this gift that can also be a curse. I am planning on cleaning up this site over the next few days and really trying to get in some good content again.

My life has fallen apart with the death of my brother in law but he would not want me to be somber and teary eyed all the time but I f#$%#ing miss him.

Today is a new day and my mantra once again is I won’t give up! Even better I won’t give up and I will give life my all, starting last night when I deep cleaned the kitchen. There is always something to do but I don’t always feel like doing it.

Yesterday was different. I didn’t feel like doing anything albeit there was much to be done so I played hooky. I went to my best friend’s house and we hung out and drank some wine and sang, cried, laughed and had a grand time! I cam home and because I took a 5 hour break to have some fun I was able to come home and focus on my house and paperwork.

It was easy because I did the fun thing first. Kind of like eating dessert first before the entree. The entree will still be there as will the work and drudgery so might as well enjoy ahead because truly we don’t know if we will even get to the dessert right? So dig in, enjoy what makes you happy or at least not so sad.

Peace love light and joy to all of you.

I can be reached at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com for any questions or comments. My email has been active again and I like that. I don’t have all the answers but I have just a bit of understanding and love to share.

Pax

Victoria

R.I.P. JAMES 11-7-2020

Jimmy was a magnanimous man, big guy, full of love and heart, who loved my sister with all that he was…

He was always full of antics whether it was falling in the pool from the upper rock and everyone yelling SHAMOO, egging him on, and he would mostly happily oblige and get everybody and everything all wet. and then do it again. God I loved that antic.

There were more too. Always making funny sounds with my sister’s and his funny language. They were something else how much they would dote on each other. I don’t ever remember which one of them who would dote on the other more. They took care of each other, watched out for each other. They were soulmates.

How my sister will go on without him I am not sure but she is one tough bitch if needed so hopefully she will let us all know. I hope we get closer but don’t like the way that this might come about. I didn’t want him to die. No I offered my life for his but too late me thinks. I offered more too, we shall see if God accepts my offering.

It’s funny though as I sat in vigil the past two or 3 days at my house with candles lit and incense, just praying, while my sister sat at her house next to Jimmy. Either last night or this morning I felt the knowledge that “it is over, it is over”. I checked facebook this morning and there was a post there from his daughter , a tribute to her dad. And that was how I found out but I already knew. My sis in law called shortly after and in shock all day.

Took a trip around town with my dear daughter. Brought the pup and it was good. We laughed and cried and got starbucks with a puppercinno for my dog Butter. and i sang for her a sarah bareilles song…bittersweet moments with my favorite people on earth. Told my sons. hugged one of them for five minutes…

Hoping that by getting some of these thoughts out on here I will process my grief faster. It takes me three days to get over bad news. My husband said don’t grieve too much. I said how much is too much? he said he didn’t know. so I am fighting between the tears and lack of movement. And it is a cold day plus our heater broke! ordered one on amazon but it hasn’t arrived yet.

I have found my mission I believe, we shall see how the planets align. I want to spread a message of hope for all those with schizophrenia to fight the statistic that stands against us. I don’t want to die by suicide but still at times suicide does cross my mind. I don’t want to ever put my kids through this or my husband or family so I am going to take the next month to really research ways to fight this statistic. Does anybody know how high it is for people with schizophrenia?

let the research begin…

peace, love and light and joy to all

pax

Victoria

Goodbye Yellow Brick Road…

When are you coming down?

When are you going to land?

Not every day can be perfect and today was one of them.  It is only now after relaxing by myself for a bit and processing my day with a spiritual friend that I am able to write.

I am not going to share my day though!  Hah that would be too boring…

Just the end.

I caught the sunset and have been doing so for the last few weeks.  I can see it from my meditation room and the few quiet moments tonight as it was descending this song came on.  Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Sarah Bareilles.  Again music comes to my aid to enhance an experience.  And the answer to those questions is that my future lies beyond the yellow brick road.  For me that song had great significance in my recovery from schizophrenia.  As I said goodbye to my delusions I would sing with Sarah.  Oh how grande!

So what else do I have to say goodbye to?

Life as we once knew it, which is now riddled with fear and chaos.

To giving up.  I will never ever give up!  I can’t, I won’t.

Please if you are reading this don’t give up hope.  You can always reach out to me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com which is a private email closely monitored.  Thank you to the numbers of people who have written to me sharing their pain.  Some of them I have lost touch with others are still in my life.  The important thing  is to reach out if you are hurting to family, friends, therapists, psychiatrists and 911 if needed…

The hard way out would be to commit suicide but I would hurt too many people so it would be safe to say that I have many protective factors on my side.  Not all are so fortunate.  If you fall in this category, please know that I care about you.  I pray for my readers all the time…

I would like to say goodbye to my non productive days like today was.  My lowest point was lying on the master bed, which I had just made at 5pm, with a pile of clean clothes in my arms curled up in the fetal position.  I was just trying so hard to be productive and what I really needed was just a  good old fashioned lie down.  I proceeded to fold the clothes while laying down which I do not recommend if you want your clothes to be folded properly (hehe).

I realized soon after that my blood sugar was low after I ate a delicious chocolate m n m cookie and felt much better.  And drank my water after my umpteenth cup of coffee.

Well that is all for the night.

Working on my walking blog for the May series.  Hopefully will finish and post tonight.

Do you all like when I put pictures?

Seriously, email me at victoriamariealonso@yahoo.com as my email in-box has been quiet this week ha ha.  It helps me to listen to you and is safe.  And in this lock down a good idea to at least call, text, facetime, or email someone in your life, if not me, who has been a support or may be.  People, especially me, are not perfect but human connection is needed now more than ever so reach out.  Go and may God bless you!

Pax

Victoria