As I finally began my writing work I find it hard now to tell my stories. I am writing two; one of a very dark time in my life and another about the symbolism of the lotus flower. I need both to balance the writing I am doing.
It is good to be working again with no deadlines to pressure me. I have also been thinking about returning to theater 🎭. That was a very fun time in my life. I watched west side story last night and have been dancing around the house today to the soundtrack for la la land.
I know my life is changing before my very eyes. What is most stable though is my marriage which I am so grateful for! We watched the best part of Liar Liar and laughter arose as we watched the irreverence of Jim Carey 😂
Then we both parted our ways him heading out late to his weekly Friday bbq with his Volks buddies and me to spend a quiet night to do with as I wish. He does bring me ribs and steak throughout the night as he did now.
In fact more along the marriage thread, the other night as we lay in bed and had been talking quite a bit about many topics of which I had been asking him my deepest questions feeling safe in his strength in answering of them. He was falling asleep and I asked him if I could ask him one last question 🙋♀️. He said yes and I asked him “what is the meaning of life “ he got mad for a second then realized I was messing with him.
Ah marriage to the right man can be so satisfying. Then I went to sleep in the meditation room because he snores and tosses and turns all night! We’ve been sleeping separately for years and are quite content. But we spend almost every night lying down together close to his bedtime. I stay up much later because that is when I come alive.
Off to work on my writing some more hoping it will flow this time…
Question of the day to be or not to be answered but I ask it anyway because I’m curious. How do you all find a balance in life? amongst work, play, rest and for most of us recovery from anything really.
The world is my oyster and I’m not giving up on finding my pearls! Pearls of wisdom, pearls of opportunity and pearls of embracing my sober and clean life!
I’m starting to trust myself again. At long last this person (me) is eager to continue on my healing journey from this disorder, intense emotional pain and the stress of every day life.
I will not hold my head in shame for another second. I refuse to be defined by my many labels of negative things. I am alive and able to do many things. All I have to do is start dreaming 💭 again and the sky is the limit.
I have many hours in my day to do whatever I like or love. I don’t need to work outside the home but I might just to have a routine again. Or I might write more or ??? I know my gardening is going to take off again but I want to do more in this life than that.
I want to do good and this realization is the jumping off point into the unknown!
I have had much disappointment in my life but much good too! Now seeking for balance and the answer lies within.
But the really cool thing is that I know what I don’t want to do. The list is long and doesn’t need to take up space here tonight.
I’m heading back to Maui in April my heaven on earth to figure this all out if I don’t before that. Last time there I was grieving the loss of my dad who passed away in September and it was perfect to be in Hawaii during this time but now I’m going back with my husband and sister and getting excited!
I’ll keep you all updated and thanks for the recent interest in my past blogging. The changes I had hoped to make on here have not come about so please feel free to use the search feature below and still accepting guest bloggers and ideas for another series. Feel free to comment or contact me at:
I am currently at 100 mg of clozapine, and despite the tiredness I feel pretty good hopeful and keeping up with everything for the most part…
I have applied for a job which I might get…
But in the meantime I keep myself busy with light tasks and fun hobbies.
I make bath diy products, soap, hand sanitizer, lotion, bath bombs and use my quite nice collection of essential oils, which I have been collecting the last few months.
Lavender is my favorite for night or when I am chilling, jasmine and yiang yiang during the day hours. I not only have an room diffuser but I also wear a necklace made of lava rocks which diffuse the oils too that I am enjoying.
I also garden when it is nicer and enjoy my flowers throughout the areas I have been working on. I also just bought a windchime for the front. Not windy right now though.
I busy myself also with making DIY Christmas decorations. This year will be a sad year because my daughter isn’t coming home but will be here in January. It is because of this that I am doing Christmas very different this year. I sent a few important cards but not to everyone I usually send to. Why is it that only at Christmas we remember certain people?
I have been celebrating Christmas for weeks now giving away the bath products I made and little well meaning gifts. I enjoy giving. IT’s fun to bless someone that isn’t expecting it.
I have much serenity these days as I adjust to my new medication. Prayer is at the forefront of every day, and I see answered prayer among my day quite frequently. I have candles burning for different requests. One for my dad and mom, one for my daughter and a dear friend for their future spouses, one for Mike my husbands friend who tried to kill himself but didn’t succeed but is left in a poor state, one for all my family and loved ones. To God do I burn these candles and trust my prayers are being heard by heaven!
I do not have much anxiety right now which is good. I have so much love and joy and am experiencing these wonderful emotions while I wait for what I do not know what the future will bring.
I have a certain sadness because of my dad. Hoping he makes it another Christmas…
I was diagnosed in 2008 with this dastartd affliction and not a day has gone by that I have felt normal but on this new medicine I have such high hopes. Sure the blood tests weekly suck but it is worth it.
I just came off Risperdal which I have been on since 2008. It kept the voices away but I believe there is more and I want all that is due me. If it is a life of misery then I accept it but I feel it is going to be so much more.
Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate. I over ate today in celebration of the occasion. Didn’t feel well much of the day due to either a tummy bug or withdrawl from the Risperdal. Hopefully will feel better tomorrow.
To anyone newly diagnosed, seriously check out Clozapine. I have hopes I will be able to work again soon and that is very exciting. I get bored sometimes being home a lot and often go for drives by myself just to listen to my music and chill…..
Unfolding before me is a new lease on life thanks to Clozapine. Since increasing my dosage to 50 mg I have had an increased sense of balance and well being. I see my psychiatrist next week and am so glad to have a good report.
Getting used to my feelings without drowning them in vices…
Closer to God than ever. I pray the rosary every day and even now it has new meaning. Time with God and Mary and all the wonderful saints.
I am willing to continue this new life. I have been connecting with family too which is awesome. Family is everything to me. My friends are right there too though. It is good to have both really.
Life is so wonderful! I feel more like my old self every day. Hate to go to bed lol.
Yesterday was very hard and long for me. My mom had knee replacement surgery and had to be there at 5:45 am, I didn’t sleep much the night before in fact stayed up late to hang out with my 18 yr old son….
So the day was spent waiting for her to come out of surgery and she is frail mind you so there was that scare. But she did better than fine. The surgery was three hours though and had to wait a while to see her in recovery. Some other stressful things to help her get settled but I got through it and went to bed at 9:00pm last night and slept in till 9.
Today is a new day and I am happy to report she is walking around a little with little pain and a very cheery countenance!
I am glad for new days especially after a hard day like yesterday. Makes me appreciate things more. Little things like my ice water and lavendar scents make me happy. Gardened a little today, watering and prepping for new fall plants.
I have my other hobbies as well such as cleaning my house in depth. Got my list and getting through it one project at a time. Even painted some indoors to spruce things up.
My other hobbies (goat soap making and other natural products) and collaging are there too when I get done with the deep cleaning of my house and the gardening and yuck weeding out front.
We might be having a party over here in October so my husband is doing his part getting the yards looking good and getting rid of trash and junk! We have been married 25 years and although he doesn’t really understand my mental disorder, he is there for me in other ways like leaving me be yesterday for the most part when I was just done with the day!
Hope everyone has a good end of September as October is right around the corner, birthday time soon! 48 years young!!!
I had a fleeting thought today that I could work again…
I used to do so much at my old jobs.
It would seem as if post diagnosis with Schizophrenia since 2008 I have gotten progressively worse off. With each failure, whether it was quitting, going on disability, or getting fired, I have each time digressed to a lower level of functioning ability.
This last time when I got fired, I now suffer from anxiety much worse than before. I take two anti-anxiety medicines plus heavy mindfulness and I am ok if I do all that. Exercising helps too, can’t forget that. Today I didn’t exercise much but did some heavy housecleaning so got my heartbeat up.
It just seems as if my life is not getting better at least work-wise. But I will look for a job after the holidays. After my dear daughter comes home for a week. She is my biggest supporter and really helps me sort things out on our long walks everywhere.
At least I can manage my home, bills, pets, teenage son, spontaneous husband and 2 aging parents. I am not their caregiver but do help them throughout the week sometimes daily.
I am blessed to be alive. I wanted to be dead at one point but no more. No, I want to live my life fully and I am grateful for every day I can do that.
Victoria here and happy to say that work is going awesome so far! The people are great and I love the company I work for so far. Very fair and honesty is their mantra.
That being said, I must say that I was more productive this past week than most of the year I was off on disability. I kept up with my house, cooked some great meals and enjoyed time with friends. On my days off, Thursday and Friday, I relaxed one day pretty much and was bored on Thursday but today, Friday, I made a long list and actually accomplished 95% of it. I was a little stressed because there was so much I needed to do to make my work week go smooth but shouldn’t have worried because everything went well.
I even got to spend time with my dying father. We drank coffee and told each other that we loved each other which we he hasn’t said it for a while (he has been in the hospital since early July). He even added after he said he loved me that he loved the kids too!!! Wow, it was bittersweet of course because he is not getting better but I was overjoyed that he still thinks of us and his love for us.
Well it is back to work tomorrow and I have my lunch packed and ready to go. I am so glad my husband insisted on my working especially for this company. It is sales so there will be ups and downs but I will make good money and hopefully have more productive weeks like this one.
I see my pdoc next week and can’t wait to share the good progress report. My mental health is pretty good, no time to sit at my computer and stare anyway ha ha seriously that was much of my day when I wasn’t working I am ashamed to admit. Knowing I have to be at work I have to be very careful with my time although I still play around and goof off on the computer just in smaller increments.
It is New Year’s Eve and I thought I would take a minute to let everyone know how I am doing after my most recent hospitalization. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he wants me to be out on disability for another month while the increase in medication takes effect. This was devastating news as I really want to get back to the working world. I miss my clients and wonder how they are doing. But I must heed my doctor’s recommendations to take a month off work and not even think about it. I am a very high functioning person with SA so it is hard when one is told to stop and see a therapist twice a week and even join an outpatient program for at least the next month. I also saw my new therapist today and she has assigned me quite a bit of homework. In addition to seeing her twice a week (I am glad I feel comfortable with her), I have to keep a daily mood journal and make sure to exercise to beat this depression that is often encompassing my soul. After leaving the doctorate program I began to lose hope that I have a special purpose in this life but my hope is being instilled slowly that I can continue at my current job in February and do what I love, work with children and their families. There is just so much to this disorder, if I am not psychotic I am depressed and vice versa. I do think the depression is worse than being psychotic but I don’t wish either on anyone. The best part of my journey is that I have an awesome support team which includeds my amazing daughter, other family and some good friends along with my therapist who I feel I can shared almost everything. So I will practice what I preach and aim for peace to return while I do my assignments and trust the healing process.
Happy New Year to all my readers, old and new! Here is to a better 2015 one filled with hope, happiness and life!